Hippy People Need Not Apply

On this week's "America's Next Top Model": the polls have closed and the final tally has been made. It's official! Two out of five fashion designers think Cassie has a big, fat ass.

This episode was pretty boring, thanks in large part to Cassie the Bottom-Heavy Yokel. The only reason she made it this far is because Tyra can only get rid of one contestant per week. Just like last week, she spends all of this episode feeling miserable. She doesn't want to be in the contest. Her uncle back home is deathly ill. Despite her debilitating eating disorder (which she doesn't think she has), famous designers tell her she's "too hippy." None of the judges think she's photogenic. (That's true, actually.) None of the other contestants like her. She doesn't know what to make of all the drag queens who keep popping up on this show. (You're in New York, honey. Get used to it.) It's a relief when she's finally eliminated, but it's not the least bit cathartic. I didn't love Cassie or hate her. She was just there. She was just in the way, taking valuable screen time away from people who are more interesting.

Like Toccara! Toccara enjoys food so much that she keeps it piled around her bed. It's like she's sandbagging her mattress against an oncoming flood, except the sandbags all have the word "Ruffles" printed on them. She tells one of the other ladies, "My mama eat [sic] in her sleep!" And then she mimes her sainted mother tossing and turning while munching on a sandwich. Dear Lord! That's either deeply disturbing or an impressive display of time management. Toccara's confidence takes a beating after it becomes clear that haute couture designers don't keep piles of plus-size gowns on hand for the (very) odd occasion that someone weighing more than ninety-five pounds comes to visit. Still, many of the designers think Toccara has a great personality. Not they would ever, under any circumstances, want to hire her. (And speaking of personality... when Tyra informed the contestants that the designers would be partly judging them on their personalities, Cassie looked stricken. You could tell she was thinking, "My personality? Damn! I knew I left something back in Oklahoma!") All of the negative feedback puts Toccara's nerves on edge. She gets into a nasty argument with the show's stylist, her photo shoot goes poorly, and she ends up sobbing her heart out to The Divine Swami Ya Ya. Janice "May Contain Some Filler" Dickinson thinks Toccara has no place in the competition. Tyra thinks Toccara could be a pioneer and break the fashion world's weight barrier, which is like the sound barrier, but chunkier.

In the middle of the episode, the wannabe models dine on kangaroo meat at an Australian restaurant, and it makes some of them giddy and flirty -- with each other. Ann, Eva, Amanda, and Norelle pile into a hot tub. The Right Reverend Ya Ya is horrified! She and the other contestants don evening gowns and have their very own party, with wine! (The degenerate drunks.)

Next week: tarantulas!