Stark F***ers

Happy turkey season, turkeys! How'd your Halloween go? Get any? Yeah, I didn't think so. Of course, the ol' Steele-Man made out like a total bandit! As a lark, I dressed in drag (the better to emphasize my brawny manliness, of course) and a couple of lite beers later I found myself in the middle of a steamy sex-pile with a passle of ladies costumed as a biker gang! The costumes were astoundingly realistic, by the way -- the only way I could tell they were women was the fact they were making out with me! And then one of them put an ether-soaked rag over my mouth and things got really freaky! Or at least, that's what I've been able to glean from the blackmail photos. But I digress. I'm here to help you, the hyposexual fanboy loser nerd. Let's see what we can learn from the example set by the jetsetting Prince of Playas, Tony "The Pony" Stark!

Nothing says "down on all fours, if it's not too much of a bother" like black silk. Incorporate black silk into your wardrobe whenever possible! As the head of a Fortune 500 company, Tony has to rock the "business casual" look, so he can't just walk around in black silk pajamas all the time. Unfortunately. But where there's a boner, there's a way! Tony merely fakes a carpal tunnel injury and voila! Black silk sling! Bonus tip: come up with a cute name for your girlfriend's vagina!

Nazi costumes are so last year. Next time you want to spice things up, try role-playing as an East German army officer! Or for maximum kinkiness, try North Korean! Do that crazy goose-step into the bedroom and your theoretical lady friend will "open her borders" for "reunification"... unless the "UN weapons inspectors" show up. Wait, what? That was one too many metaphors. And I'm not even sure I know what it means! You know what, just forget that last part.

It's brawn, not brains, that snag the babes. Here's an example: Tony apparently thinks Acapulco is a ski resort nestled somewhere in the Rocky Mountains. (Inside the briefcase: mittens, snowshoes, and one of those little knit caps with the pom-pom on top.) But I'll be darned if he doesn't score with the first passer-by he meets! Why? Because he walks with a confident stride and he has a fantastic bod. Just look at those legs! And that ass! Dude is freaking scrumptious... er, is what a woman would say.

Okay, so let's say you actually manage to land a girlfriend (unlikely, I know, but bear with me here) and you piss her off big time. Maybe she came home to her apartment and found you there, screwing her roommate, and you forgot to ask her to join the two of you for a three-way. You know you've got to make it up to her. You search for a sweet, romantic gesture. Do you give her a single red rose? Probably, but that's wrong! Dead wrong! What's better than a single rose? How 'bout a single rose petal! Yeah, you're feelin' me! It's smaller and therefore cuter (or at least that's what I tell myself). And don't forget to give the petal to your lady with a casual, lazy-eyed half-smirk. Chicks love that.

Legion Of Substitute Costumes: Polecat

Polecat is the whole reason I started redesigning the costumes of rejected Legion applicants. I've made no secret of the fact that I don't like the smelly little bugger, but I did accidentally crush him and I'm sorry for that. And I've often wondered, why don't I like him? Is he really that bad? Is it just my problem? Y'see, one of my many enchanting foibles is a tendency to overreact to things I find aesthetically displeasing, especially if they are obnoxious or tacky -- and Polecat is basically a walking fart joke! Upon deeper consideration, I've found a lot to admire about Polecat. He's very proud of his culture, which is important, and he's not afraid to be himself. It's just a damn shame he's hideously unattractive, has no taste in clothes, and has a laugh like a car alarm. So if I ever manage to get back to my specific timeline (not that I'm in a rush, mind you) I'll present him with the greatest gift I could ever give: a makeover! And maybe a gift certificate to an orthodontist.

So, here's the "before":

Law & Odor: Fashion Victims Unit! The biggest "don't" in his outfit is the pairing of bare thighs and long sleeves. He looks like a gymnast. A girl gymnast. On top of that, the design is boring with a capital bore. Black with a single racing stripe. He looks like a Camaro, only nobody wants to take him for a ride if you know what I mean. And that greasy bowl cut isn't doing him any favors.

And here's my "after":

I designed a symbol for him (stylized skunk in the shape of a "p") and, more importanly, gave him some freakin' pants. I shaved his head to show off his horns. And to show off his entire head (I know, risky) I gave him a huge fur collar and matching trim on the gloves and boots. I think it looks pretty tough, albeit in a Bob Fosse sort of way.

Rock on, stinky!

Corpulent Identity

I'm all better! The only lingering side-effect is a powerful urge to lick my own balls. ...Only now that I think about it, I had that before. So, not too long ago I showed you all Firestorm's quick-change fashion show nightmare from the back-up story in "Flash" #304 (December, 1981). The main story in that issue introduced probably the least-appealing villain design of that year (which is really saying something). It's the one-man Royal Flush Gang of Tomorrow, Colonel Computron!

I'm surprised Marvel didn't swipe this design and call it Kingpin 2099! This is how I imagine the president of Jeremy's cable provider to look, by the way. In this issue, Computron makes trouble for one Mister Willard Walter Wiggins, who previously had the genius idea of hiring his shady illegitimate son to promote his company's line of boomerangs. Writer Cary Bates is very cagey about Computron's identity, but a Len Strazewski story in the (mulleted version of) Starman comic would confirm that the villain was, indeed, a Wiggins employee, nebbishy Basil Nurblin. A few pages before this scene, Wiggins had insulted Nurblin with a measley $99.95 bonus despite his creating their company's most profitable item. And then Nurblin had to hear about it from his shewish, Agnes Moorhead-like wife. So you can't blame him for snapping. I should also add that both Nurblin is thin as a rail, so I can't account for how fleshy his face looks in that suit.

Now, about that suit: I know that computer graphics circa 1981 were pretty blocky and the "in thing" for sci-fi at the time was to make everything look like a Star Destroyer and artist Carmine Infantino had entered his Etch A Sketch Period by then but goddamn. That is one ungainly, clunky looking pile of crap. My Lord, just the beady little eyes--! It's hideous! Hey, let's see him in (flabby, lard-assed, grunting, phlegm-gurgling) action!

Don't underestimate him. Computron's fat like a sumo wrestler, but he's also strong, like a... sumo wrestler. Huh. Not my best simile. Oh, and that smudge on one of Computron's word balloons is from a Snickers bar Jeremy ate about twenty-five years ago. You know, if he was famous, that would have made the comic book more valuable, not less. Hurry up and get famous, Jeremy! Anyway, Computron must be aware of his serious figure flaw because he does what all unattractive people like to do: he surrounds himself with people (or in his case, robots) who are even uglier!

This is like the worst budoir photo I've ever seen. Also, check out the sad, forced smiles on the faces of Blip-One and Blip-Two. Look familiar? I'll give you a hint. Imagine Blip-Two on the red carpet at a movie premiere with Tom Cruise's arm around it.

Dracula: Prince Of Dorkness

...And my hair is perfect. Nope, this isn't a mask. Unfortunately. AAAARRROOOOOO! *clears throat* Sorry, I'm prone to doing that now. Anyway, take my advice: don't stand in front of the microwave at QuikTrip while you're wearing Zuunium cuff links. I'm afraid I caused quite the ruckus -- a half-dozen fashion victims mauled, and not a stick of beef jerkey left in the place. Grrrrroowwwlll AAARROOOOO! *ahem* But fear not! Such a low dosage of irradiated Zuunium should wear off by tomorrow. For now, though, I have yellow eyes, horrifying teeth, and there's so much fur on my face you can barely make out my facial features. Thank God this is Wichita, Kansas, or else I might stand out. (Halloween, hell! I could walk the streets of this redneck burg on freaking Arbor Day and not draw a crowd.) But enough about my personal problems. You came here for the costumes! Well, I'm in a Monster Mash kind of mood today, so I decided to redesign Dracula's superhero costume.

You heard me.

This is Dell Comics' Dracula. He's not a vampire, but he has ultrasonic hearing (I'm not sure how that's helpful, unless criminals communicate with one another through a series of high-pitched chirps and whistles) and he can turn into a bat and control bats. And yet he looks like a total goober. So here's how I would have dressed him:

I changed the motif from "bat" to "dragon" based on Vlad Dracul's membership in the Order of the Dragon. And since it looks a bit like a rib cage, I added designs that look a bit like bones to the arms and legs. And I replaced the dopey bat-belt with a sash to break up all the red and to add a little historical flavor. No cape, you ask? Damn skippy! My goal was to really emphasize the superhero aspect. My first sketches wound up looking too much like historical costume, with old-timey capes and leather armor and pirate boots and such. Those designs looked fantastic, naturally, but they didn't scream "superhero." That's why I based the final design around a monotone body suit, and just embellished it with the sash and the dragon/bone detailing. For just a pinch more drama, I gave him corpse-like makeup, a beard and long hair. The hair provides the motion that a cape would have, and it contrasts with the angular silhouette of the suit. And yes, I suppose he looks like the old Marvel villain, the Tarantula, but I didn't notice that until I was inking it. Swear to God.

So forget ol' bat-ears up there. This is a guy I'd let sink his teeth into me. Or vice-versa! AAAAAARRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! *ahem* Sorry.

Legion Of Substitute Costumes: Spider Girl

Here's a new addition to my burgeoning list of design challenges: recostuming anyone who was ever rejected by the Legion of Super Heroes. The idea grew from a single cartoon of Polecat that I drew while waiting with Jeremy in the DMV (he promised it would only take a minute and then when we arrived there was like, three hundred people ahead of us). So to pass the time I started sketching. Then next thing I knew, I'd devised costumes for the original roster of the Legion of Substitute Heroes and a bunch of others, besides! And here's the first one I'd like to show you. It's very nearly Halloween in your backwards, superstitious era (praise be to the Luck Lords) so in honor of that I present: Spider Girl! (Creepy!) Let's take a gander at the "before," shall we? Here's Spider Girl getting all her hopes and dreams crushed by a lame pun:



I'd feel sorry for her, but c'mon! Trying out for the Legion of Super Heroes without having even a modicum of control over your powers is like auditioning for American Idol without any singing ability. You're just asking for a snooty foreigner with huge jugs to tear you a new one. Still, Spider Girl didn't exactly put her best foot forward, now did she? First there's that nasty, dry, fly-away hair (SUNSILK!!! Sorry, I don't know what came over me) and then there's the costume. She's not exactly "dressing for success." The ultra-realistic spider web design is neither attractive nor intriguing -- it's merely gross. And the copious-yet-haphazard rusching makes her look like the world's sultriest trilobite. No sir, I don't like it. Here's how I would have attired her:



You go-go-go, Spider Girl! Except for some modishly-slicked bangs in the front, most of her hair is pulled back from her face. I also would have introduced the lady to a handy little invention called "conditioner." Now, that's the kind of hair you want to throttle you into unconsciousness. I added a mask because it's fun and mysterious, and it goes with the Halloween party feeling of the costume, and also because it's about the only thing that makes the outfit a costume and not just a dress. *nervous laughter* And what a dress! It's a charming little number in a violet-gray fabric that is slightly sheer, and worn over a darker body stocking. That way she can enjoy wearing something with a high hemline and not come off like looking like a pole dancer, Supergirl. Er, *ahem* and the entire ensemble is finished off with black silk slippers (with treads on 'em, for action!) and some fun bangles. There ya go, honey. Don't forget what I said about the conditioner.