In "Iron Man" #1, a standard-issue mad scientist named Mordius (as opposed to Biff, Ernie, or Jo-Jo) manufactures some knock-offs of Iron Man's armor.Ever go shopping for, say, a DVD player and wind up going with the Goldstar instead of the Sony because it's cheaper?
Yeah, this was kind of like that.
Other problems with the Mordius versions?
- Sound effect made by the repulsor rays: "ZACHBRAAF!"
- In some models, repulsor rays replaced by more economical but less helpful "delouser rays."
- They're padded with comfy asbestos.
- The shoulder joints utilize the finest in Snaptite technology.
- No roller skates, but a unicycle pops out of the codpiece.
- The helmets distort the wearer's voice so he sounds just like Paul Lynde.
- Due to a flaw in the electromagnetic shielding, long-term use can cause brain damage. The symptoms: addictive behavior, priapism, and suddenly turning into a complete asshole for no good reason.
- When you walk around, the segmented underwear makes a really loud "zhizzhh zhizzhh zhizzhh" noise, like corduroy pants do.
- When disassembled, they somehow manage to take up even more space than before. They can't be stored in anything smaller than a steamer trunk.
- If you have to pee, forget about it.
- Can't recharge using American outlets unless you get the special voltage converter (sold separately).
- One of the helmets stinks like rotten eggs. Probably because Mordius put an egg salad sandwich in there this one time and he forgot about it for like a week, man.
- The boots all have a sort of low-rise heel and pointy toes that make them look a bit girly in my opinion.
- Never feed them after midnight, and never get them wet.
On a personal note... since I'm from a far-flung era where all mankind lives in harmonious cooperation I don't celebrate this "Thanksgiving" everybody keeps talking about. So instead I'll be enjoying an intimate turkey supper at Clive Barker's house!
