Rubber Clown Suits Become You

A fine "bromance"! Intrepid sexual adventurers Ant-Man and Southern Cross thought it would be fun to break into Yellowjacket's house for their latest escapade. The danger makes it all seem so much more thrilling, somehow, don't you agree?* Half-hidden under a pile of blankets in the master closet, Yellowjacket was too sloshed on mojitos to join in on all the wrestling and spanking. But that's okay. He loves to just watch, too.

Starring Arch Hall, Jr. as Ant-Man! (Seriously, his head is like, 80% pompadour in this panel.)

*For realsies, though: don't actually try this, kids. Unless you're the Unbeatable Blockade Boy! I've battled my way out of many a "sticky" situation, and I have the switch-laser scars and phaser burns to prove it!

Spidey Don't Surf

Preteens drawn by John Byrne = creepy, adult-faced dwarves. But I take it the human growth hormone finally kicked in.

What's wrong What else is wrong with this picture? Well, how's about the way Cassie appears to be dropping from the ceiling onto Scott, like a monster in a horror movie? But the main thing that bugs me is that Spider-Man t-shirt. In his own universe, the general public regards Spider-Man as a dangerous vigilante at best, and a creepy villain at worst. So this is kind of like giving her a jacket with Bernie Goetz's face embroidered on the back.

Doctor Graves: Master of the Obvious

In "Baron Weirwulf's Haunted Library" #50 (Charlton, July 1980), Doctor Graves -- who is totally not Ditko ripping off his own "Doctor Strange" character -- must battle a giant "evil entity" who is bent on conquering Earth! Luckily, his astral form is capable of ballooning to enormous size. Which is kind of a rip-off of the Spectre, but what the hell.

With his white temples and painstakingly-trimmed facial hair, the natty Doctor chills in a New York home crammed with scrolls and grotesque objets d'art; fires goopy, Tinker Toy-shaped mystic blasts from his arthritically-contorted hands; traverses surreal (yet familiar) dimensions; and sends his pallid astral body flitting all over the goddamn place.

But he's not Doctor Strange--!

No sirree Bob.

Suddenly, Spider-Woman's Rogues Gallery Is Looking Pretty Gosh-Darned Intimidating

The (kind-of) original Blue Beetle -- the one who was an archaeologist and not a cop -- defended the world against such menaces as (clockwise from top left)...

• Baron Von Howdy Doody!
• Furry Conventioneer Who Can't Walk Upright Because A Couple Of Ruffians Jabbed Pool Cues In The Costume's Eyeballs Man!
• The Micronauts Bandito!
• The Red Hulk's More Flamboyant Uncle!
• Battle Roomba!
• The Living Loincloth and his atomic-powered baby bottle!
• Fellatiobot!

Okay, so that last one was a bit obvious, but c'mon. I couldn't resist!

Night of the Quaffing Dead

"He'll be sorrowful looking enough in a moment -- after he realizes he's drinking a 'Natural Ice!'"

Confession time: I kind of covet those boots. The rest of the get-up? Not so much. And that facial hair is way too tentative and delicate for my tastes -- like he could sneeze and it would gently explode and then drift away on an air current. Like a dandelion! (See also: that blond douche from "The Hills.")

(This is from "Shadow Play" #1, from the reliably boring Whitman Comics in 1982. No month given, probably because it was destined to plague the gift shops of various Stuckey's and Nickerson Farms, accreting root beer spatter and chocolate thumb-prints until it became a sticky boulder that was used by a robber to bludgeon the night manager.)