I'm Evidently a Dreamboat

Say, who's this handsome devil?

Why, it's none other than me, as envisioned by fellow blogger (and arch-villain) Captain Koma, over in the Heroes United forums! It's stunning, no? I'm not currently in the market for a new costume, Captain, but if I ever turn to the dark side -- and contract conjuctivitis -- I'll definitely consider this look! Hot damn but I'd look fetching! Observe, if you will, the lush red beard, the dashing eye-patch, the marvelously masculine segmented shoulder-pads! I'm a hunk! I mean, I'd jump this guy's bones in a nano-second! And he's me! ...Okay, so that image is a trifle too "out there" even for yours truly.

My apologies.

Well, this is as good a time as any to give you all a little flavor of my life as it stands right now. My massive, rampant, uncut celebrity is starting to sag a little. I no longer get mobbed by hoards of nearly-naked hover-bikers. Dang it. Still, I have enough clout that I worked out a deal with my good friend Eyeful Ethel: to help restore confidence in her stockholders, her company is now officially called "The Eyeful Ethel Detective Agency, Featuring Blockade Boy." I don't think she resents it too much.

Ethel tried to lure Dentata Damsel away from that voiceover gig she'd taken with Paramount-Universo. It turned out that the folks at Paramount-Universo had never even heard of Dentata Damsel. We later discovered, she'd been living with Tusker in some twisted "Beauty and the Beast" (TV show) scenario, and, in her words, "platonically banging" him. They're both in counseling right now.

Still no sign of Nightmare Boy.

Ethel hired two new detectives: Compass Kid and Bad Apple Boy. The first is a mildly-powered Braalian with an uncanny sense of direction; the second is a Rimborean poseur with souped-up Chlorophyl Kid powers. (You'd be surprised how many toddlers have fallen into vats of mutagenic hydroponic solutions. It's a national tragedy!) I'll write some more about these two next week.

Storm Boy has regained some of the weight he'd lost, but it actually looks good on him. I guess it's because he's still working out. So he's kind of "husky" now. The important thing is, his upper arms are finally thicker than his forearms. Which is great, because the whole "Popeye" thing had been freaking me out.

Oh, and I still have enough name recognition (and raw, blistering sexiness) that I've been invited to enter a holo-vid reality show contest! It's sort of a biathlon, where the contestants have to master both complicated sexual positions and complicated ballroom routines. The show is called "Schtupp It Up and Dance." (And for me, the first part should be a breeze.)

Blockade Boy Presents!

Brian "So Super Duper" Andersen likes my drawings of his characters so much, he's going to publish them in his next comic! Sweet! He even wanted a drawing of me introducing them! So here's a new pic of me in my Silvercat Designer Original, in Genial Presenter Mode. I'm suitable for any holovision documentary or awards spacecast! And I only had to redraw the head about thirty times! Also, my right thumb was supposed to be hooked over my belt but I completely forgot about that when it came time to ink th' dang thing! Because I'm a doofus! Unless...! *desperately tries to think of a way to blame this on Storm Boy, fails*

Nope, I'm a doofus, alright.

I'm also providing Brian with this lovely assortment of Blockade Boy heads, in which I display the full gamut of emotions (from "A" to "D").

Let's see... clockwise from upper left the emotions are:

• Trying to charm a clerk at Old Space Navy into ringing up my purchase without sales tax
• Enjoying a pleasant daydream and/or blowjob
• Fielding yet another request by some old rich lady to tell her where I bought "those fetching fur-covered opera gloves" (i.e. my arms and hands)
• Catching Storm Boy dancing to "Papa Loves Mambo"

At least, I think that's what I'm trying to convey. What do these Blockade Boy heads symbolize for you?

Extreme Blockadeover: This is the Champion, My Friends

Congratulations, Lydean "Silvercat" Kind!

After much anguished, heart-rending, beard-tugging deliberation, I've chosen your submission to be my new costume! Yours came out on top because I liked the pure superhero vibe of it, combined with the castle-shaped cutout to show off my intimidating crop of chest hair. It's genius, and something your standard (i.e. "straight") male superhero would never wear in a million years. (Power Boy doesn't count, because he waxes his chest, and also because he's not exactly a good guy.) Also, I've been thinking about getting more into the superhero/adventurer side of things in some capacity, so this will be a perfect look for me. And it helps that when I was scouting locations for my tent sale in the Rimbor Black Mega-Market this morning, I bought these KEWL bracers that shoot brick-wall-shaped forcefields that can knock my foes on their asses!

(Hey, Storm Boy... think fast! *SHPA-PAANNNGGG!!!* Aw, too slow, buddy! ...Heh, heh...)

So anyway, there's the offensive capability I need to be a proper superhero, and it fits my name and my personality! I mean, as most of my former lovers will tell you, I'm all about the blunt-force trauma.

For your prize, I'd be happy to send you the original artwork for the action shot I posted up there. Or I can do something else if you like. It's no trouble at all! Just e-mail me with your request. If you'd rather not give out your mailing address, I can send the art to a P.O. box or even another person on your behalf. Just let me know!

Extreme Blockadeover: the Contenders

CLANG!

That's the sound of the deadline crashing down on my contest to discover my next great costume! Thank you, everybody who sent me an entry... even the obvious joke ones, which were uniformly hilarious. Now I have to sort through my "maybe" pile. Let's see...

Going in chronological order, there's Jonathan Munroe's 'stache-tastic steampunk aviator design...

...Chawunky's design is sophisticated-sexy with the briefest bolero jacket I've ever laid eyes on...

...Philip Rice's gold-trimmed leather suit takes me from business casual to a night on the prowl by just zipping down the jacket and giving every guy an eyeful of my fantastic fur...

...After one of my trademark tongue-lashings, MaGnUs roared into the "maybe" pile with this smart, unpretentious Musketeer look... okay, so maybe the facial hair is pretentious, but that's the way I likes it!...

...Justin Garrett Blum rocked my world with this Ditko-esque fantasy barbarian look (even if I've got about 150 pounds more muscle than the model he used)...

...MaGnUs reworked a gimpy "no thanks" into a take-charge "maybe" with this design that's like a John Romita, Jr. X-Men costume, only tasteful...

...Lydean "Silvercat" Kind devised this classically bad-ass fortress-themed look...

...Here's Nicolas M.'s sleek, prismatic suit with appropriately close-cropped hair and beard...

...And finally, we have Dr. Tectonic's dashing "rainbow warrior"... he's proud and out -- to kick your ass!

They're all great designs, in different ways. I'm going to have a tough time deciding on one! I'd better do it quick, though, because I want to look cool for my Brigadier Blockade Blowout Event on Rimbor today! (Everything must go! All sales are final! No "window shopping" allowed! I'm serious! Don't make me mess you up!)

How I dress is especially important now that I have to look for a new job. And I don't even know what I want to apply for! Say, maybe the costume I choose will inspire me! Well, no matter what I decide to do, at least I know I'll look cool doin' it...

Extreme Blockadeover: Phillip Ginder, Part Two

Phillip sent me a late entry, but since I'm not a total hard-ass I'm considering it anyway.

Phillip writes:

It's late, and I can't draw with a mouse (or a pencil, or a pen...) but here you go. The gloves might be a little too floppy, maybe. This is pretty much what I was thinking of, but now that I see it it looks... well, gay. In my mind it was butcher, somehow. I think I might have to re-evaluate my own wardrobe, now...

Aw...! I'm the one who might be wearing it, so I'll decide if it's not butch enough, Phillip.

Yeah, that's not butch enough.

I think the problem might be that there's too much crenelation. (Isn't that always the way--?) And maybe it's the scale of it, but it looks delicate, like a bric-a-brac trim from some grandma-infested fabric store.

I'll take, oh, around 30% of the responsibility for it not looking butch enough, though, because of the way I drew that blank form... I mean, the cocked hip, the eye-rolling... I might as well have drawn in a big speech balloon that said "HEL-LOOOO!!!" That's what I get for having Storm Boy model for me!

Extreme Chamber of Blockadeover Horrors

I'm working on those redesigns for some of the female characters in "So Super Duper" and I'll post 'em either tonight or tomorrow. Right now, I have a terrifying e-mail to share with you all, from my most prolific commenter, "Anonymous."

Yes, the guy who comments (and therefore loves) me most is Anonymous. Sorry, MaGnUs, but this guy's got you beat. Not only does he comment multiple times on the same post, but he even adopts different "voices", conflicting opinions, and on occasion even signs his Anonymous posts with the names of different people. I don't know where he finds the time!

This morning I received a message from the gentleman behind the Anonymous mask. Yup, now I know his real name! I made a solemn promise to never reveal it, though... and that's just as well, since the abomination I'm about to show you might inspire some of my more rabid fans to hunt him down with a torch and a pitchfork, like in an old Frankenstein movie. Rest assured, dear readers, this revolting abortion of high-tech fabric and otherworldly technology was instantly banned from the now-legendary "maybe" pile the nanosecond I laid eyes upon it, and I shall do everything in my power to keep it from coming to pass in my own universe.

Now, steel yourselves, my friends... for THIS!

*ULP*... *HORK*... Hang on... *wipes dribble of vomit from corner of mouth*

Okay, I feel a little better now. How's everyone holding up? Anybody faint? They did? Crap. Somebody grab the smelling salts. ...We good to go now? Okay.

Anonymous has a blood curdling tale to accompany this nightmarish costume design:

So, it's like 5am here, and there's a knock at the door. I stumble across the place in my footie pajamas, wiping my eyes and hoping it's another supermodel with a flat tire or millionaire looking for someplace safe to hide his cash. I open the door, and there's a horrific flash of color.

No, wait. It's just two jerks in loud costumes. This had better be damn good.

One, all in yellow and blue looks normal enough, except that his skin, eyes, hair, and goatee are all colored to match. The other is wearing what looks like a loincloth made of oranges and violets and has the worst skin condition I ever did see. Chalk-white. Maybe he's had a scare. Or maybe he's a zombie. There's a Native burial site just down...well, you don't want to hear about that.

The duo invite themselves in and the goateed guy starts making waffles.
Turns out I own a waffle iron. Hm.

Anyway, they start telling their story. Goatee is Barricade Brat of Earth-3, as it turns out, and he's been on a roadtrip with Bizarro-Blockade-Boy. Scanning wi-fi signals as they drove through my neighborhood, they caught me reading your blog and decided they want in.

Wow. These waffles are awful. But one of these guys is evil and the other is eating my television remote, so I'm humoring them as well as I can.

"We wish to help our Blockade Bro'," BBrat (so he insists I call him) explains. There was also talk about their own formerly robotic dingi, keeping them as souvenirs-slash-weapons, and...well, it was too early for that, especially with the waffles trying to make an escape, so I cut that talk short and tried to hurry them to the point.

"Me and Bratty-cade am designing costume," BBB shouts as I shoo him away from my cat. "Me am sad it am so ugly." Then there was a quick argument over whether the Bizarro conjugation of "beautiful" should be "ugly" in that context, but I'll spare you.

I present you with what they described, mostly because they're threatening to make me walk the plank, and I really don't want to find out how they'll force the issue. Alas, none of us can draw worth a damn, except Bizarro-Blockade-Boy, and he only wanted to make turkey pictures after tracing our hands. And my laptop doesn't have any actual artsy software, so it was all in Microsoft Paint based on the template you provided.

Ready? Take a deep breath, because we're going in.

BBrat insisted on maintaining the classic colors, even though it made coloring the skin impossible with a palette of sixteen colors. Red and silver might have made better options, but I was overruled. By which I mean I was smacked in the head with a begonia. I don't remember owning one of those either, by the way. In any case, your hair in this scenario is dyed to orange (or silver--ouch!), and has very light muttonchops (or are those sideburns?) that sculpt up at the ends. For subtle contrast, there's also a soulpatch dyed purple. These are supposed to be a shade or two darker than the costume colors. Oh, and there's a Superboy-like spit-curl, which appears to balance out the other (facial hair) features.

The costume itself is all one piece, though a complex piece. From the capeless collar, we spread across your upper back to the sleeves. Sure, this reduces the frequency of backrubs, and sure, it's sort of an atrocity. But we're not done, yet.

"To get anywhere in life, you have to break all the rules." BBrat has a point, I guess, even if he's the worst chef ever. "He doesn't like long sleeves and bare legs? He'll change his mind when his costume is ONLY long sleeves and bare legs!" No matter how much he twirls his moustache, I'm thinking no, he/you won't. But there it is. From the collar, we go into the sleeves. They're voluminous sleeves, though it's unclear in the picture. Baggy sleeves out of Golden Age Quality Comics.
I talked them down from making it sheer, at least. The seams are done up in orange piping that gets all twisty, attach at the...I'll call it a belt for now, and then--I swear they wanted it this way, and it wasn't my idea, the damn things flow into the toes of the boots! The piping becomes the soles, and then there's another pipe across the boot rim.

BBrat said something about "liquid fabric" to explain why you weren't going to trip over them. BBB held onto a boa made of violets and made flapping motions when he tried to explain it.

The sleeves are held together in front by a tasteful (so they tell me) gold chain.

Oh, the belt? That's a super-high-tech anti-gravity apparatus, they tell me. It has kilt-like qualities, so you can feel free to wear what you like beneath, without violating the Comics Code. But it's also a holographic billboard that lets you strobe messages as you see fit.
Fighting in a library and can't banter with your foes? Program in "you're about to be Blockaded!" and make your feelings and wit known.

And there's a bench around the insite for Cootie to sit. There's also a mechanism to retract any surplus sleeve that's in your way, and feed it out when there's not enough. Oh, and there is plenty of space in case you need to carry weapons or tools with you.

Things I think I should draw your attention to, in case they're unclear given the artistic tools at hand, include the recurring "BB" motif. The pendant dangling from the chain is a gold mirroring of an Interlac B, of course. The cut-outs extending from the sleeve (following your collarbone along the top) likewise resemble the Interlac letter. We would also trim your soul patch to a simplified version of that shape, one stem, where it looks more like a 20th century T. Finally, when you stretch out your arms, the mega-sleeves will hang much as your current BB symbol does. Or not so finally. That's a pinky ring on your left hand. Gold-colored Legion flight ring, with amethyst flakes in your classic insignia. You can punch people and leave it on their foreheads like Pulp vigilantes did.

Similarly, while not to the extent that others have tried, the tops of the boots are intended to very subtly evoke tower crenelations.

Lastly, I'm asked to tell you that the belt/kilt gadget "am Bizarro-belly-shirt."

Be grateful. I talked them out of swapping the colors on one sleeve.
BBB hate asymmetry.

I'm sorry you had to go through that, Anonymous. If I ever run into these two, I'll give 'em each a punch in the 'nads on your behalf.

Extreme Blockadeover: Dr. Tectonic, Part Two

My "Extreme Blockadeover" contest ends tonight at midnight, so don't put it off any longer! Stop being tormented by the alluringly handsome image of me that haunts your every waking hour... scribble it down and e-mail it to me, before you lose your goddamn mind!

They say you always remember your first... contestant, so I was pleased as punch to get a revised costume design from none other than Dr. Tectonic! I've got fashion fever and the only prescription is a new outfit! What do you prescribe, Dr.?

Okay, you got one more out of me. Seeing what worked and didn't work for everyone else was very educational, so I decided to give it one last try. Especially since everyone has now learned the word "crenellations"!

Even reduced to a headband, the hat really wasn't working, so away it went. Kept the gloves and boots, of course, and the knee-guards; why not? The facial hair is a little exotic, but I think it's handsome. I wasn't really expecting the shirt to do what it did -- it just kinda happened -- but I'm pretty pleased with it.

And of course, you needed A CAPE because they are awesome. It looks a little dorky in the picture because I had to position a fan to blow on it so you could see the shape; the natural drape of the fabric is normally much better. Please note that I steadfastly resisted temptation and did NOT give you little round tower-tops epaulets for the attachment points. The cape is held on with buckles like the ones on the boots and gloves.

You also might not be able to see the waistline of the pants very well because THE MODEL'S HANDS ARE IN THE WAY, HELLO! It's the crenellation motif again.

Please note also that the only offensive capability you have here is your natural charm, so make sure you only go up against foes who might be, y'know, into you if you use the old masculine wiles; fortunately, in this outfit, that should work pretty well.

You forget, Dr. Tectonic, that the guys who aren't "into me" (and technically I'm "into" them, a-thank you very much) are scared shitless by my raw masculinity so I can work the hero thing from that angle as well. But that's a minor quibble. Let's see what you came up with!

I wasn't totally sure about this one, but then I realized I could drape the cape over my shoulders like you kind-of suggested, and that gave it the color balance it needed. And now I really love this design! Plus, the hair is bangin'. It's a sleek, smart costume all the way around.

Good work, buddy! This is one for the "maybe" pile!

There's Still Time to Enter!

So send me a costume design already! The deadline slams down like a steel wall at midnight tomorrow night, Central Standard Time. That's more than enough time to knock together something to knock my socks (or pants) off! My "maybe" pile is burgeoning with the potent imaginings of my readers, and they're all so good I still can't pick out a clear front-runner. Will the design you send me wind up on top of the heap? There's only one way to find out! So send me sumpin' before it's too late!

In the meantime, I wanted to share a new drawing sent to me by Jonathan Munroe -- it shows me dressed in the design he submitted, minus the aviator's helmet.

Jonathan writes:

Just because I had some extra time at work, as well as to show you what the hair looks like. Surprise! It's just as you imagined.

Here you are at the futuristic wheel of the Exquisite , shouting "Charge!" or "Arrrrrrrr!" or "Pulsar Stargraaaaaaaaaaaaave!" as you barrel through the void.

Or maybe even "Janet Pyyyyyyymmmmmmmmm!!!"

Well, I thought it was funny, anyway. And what are the odds the hairstyle looks just like I'd guessed it would? Maybe I'm part-Naltorian!

Oh, and my post about forcibly undressing Tusker has some of my readers concerned over my treatment of the big lummox, so I might as well clarify: Tusker's a great guy -- loyal like a bulldog, he is -- but if he's going to survive out here in the wilds of space he's going to have to toughen the eff up. So I sometimes find myself having to act like a really sexy drill sergeant around him. I'll get 'im there. And anyway, he knew when he signed on with me that when I tell a man to take his pants off, he'd better goddamn well take his pants off or I'll do it for him.

Hell, I even put that part in the classified ad!

Extreme Blockadeover: Phillip Ginder

Phillip Ginder sent in a quartet of designs (okay, technically it was a trio) that show off my awe-inspiring pelt to full advantage. Take it away, Phil!

Okay, I keep seeing all these costume designs on your blog, so I said, "What the hell!".

Haw!

The first two are the same with different backgrounds. Pretty simple stuff, big tough boots paired with lots of hairy flesh is a look I thought you might enjoy. I was inspired to do these by Lydean Kind's "belly shirt" design, actually. I liked the crenelations on the bottom of the shirt but not the shirt itself. What I was trying to get at with these designs was sort of the "inverse" of that; covered belly, exposed pecs, + crenelation. My artistic skills leave much to be desired and HeroMachine wasn't giving me what I wanted so it ended up as these sorta Captain America stripes.

(I decided to only show one of the first two designs he sent in, since the background was the only difference between them.)

Interesting, but the equal distribution of orange and purple makes my eyeballs itch. Also, I'm not really sure what's going on with the orange highlights on the purple shorts and boots. Is it supposed to be iridescent, kind of?

The third & fourth pics have matching gloves & belt if that sort of thing is important to you. I personally like the shorter gloves.

I dunno... the main part of the costume is so close to looking like a girdle anyway that it almost needs the bigger gloves to distract from it. Hmm.

The fourth pic is a little closer thanks to MSPaint, but really I don't like the stripes too much. I'll try and refine it and send you another one, but I think you get the idea. (Imagine solid orange w/ purple crenelation.)

This is better (and I'm looking forward to your revision) because the crenelation makes for a more interesting silhouette. Exactly how would the crenelation be purple? Would it be like a thick outline, maybe? Because the stripes/bars just ain't workin' for me. Anything else you'd like to add, Phil?

Oh yeah, the hair! The hair & beard is based on my own because I have no imagination. I actually have about 1/8th of an inch of hair on my head 'cause fully bald looks kinda crappy with my skull, but obviously you don't have that problem.:) My beard pretty much looks like this but it isn't orange.

Hope you like the designs!

-Phill (aka devojane, aka devophill)

The beard is great, and of course a dude with a beard like that would have an ever-present cigar. (Even Peter David's Aquaman had a cigar, but he could never smoke it because, y'know... he was underwater.)

I'll have to pass on this batch -- reluctantly -- but it sounds like your upcoming revision has a lot of potential.

Extreme Blockadeover: Nicolas M., Part Two

Nico was nice enough to send me a revision of his original costume design, based on my comments!

Instead of working on the many, many things I needed to get accomplished tonight, I played a little bit with the costume design keeping your advice in mind.
I got rid of the flash of bare leg because I decided that shorts would look silly with boots that high, and I wanted to keep the boots.

I couldn't decide on an appropriate logo, so I just used a simple star, cause your a star baby! (or maybe 'cause it's a pre-existing brush shape in photoshop elements and I am too tired to try for something freehand).

It's still a very simple looking design, but I like it. Thanks for having the contest. This has been fun.

Nice! I like this a whole lot better, Nico. The addition of a purple "imperial" soul patch in the middle of that close-cropped orange beard is a great little detail. And I see you managed to draw in the chest hair without a sink hole swallowing up your house or a flock of rabid canaries attacking you.

Congratulations! It's goin' in the "maybe" pile!

Extreme Blockadeover: Lydean Kind

I've been collaborating with Storm Boy on my sales pitch for the Brigadier Blockade Blowout Event at Rimbor's black mega-market this Sunday, and I think it'll be pretty sweet. I just hope my voice is booming enough. (...Aw, who am I kiddin'? Like an elephant, I am!) I'm also fitting Tusker for his new costume, and he was nervous about showing more skin, but once I explained it would make him a "babe magnet" he showed a lot more enthusiasm. I even designed a sweet new symbol for him. It's graphic and clean, and it would even look right at home on the Legion mission board, y'know, if they ever... induct -- heh! Haw! HA HA HA oh GOD I can't even SAY it without laughing HA HA oh JESUS CHRIST! Oh! *wipes tears from eyes*

Meanwhile, I have another set of costume designs to peruse! Kick-ass! These are from "Silvercat", a.k.a. a young (?) lady (?) "named" "Lydean Kind" but as you know, I trust no one at this point when it comes to names. Some quick anagramming shows that the letters "Lydean Kind" can be rearranged into:

• "LinK and dye"... some kind of advertising ploy?
• "diaL Kenny d"... hang on, I'll try it. ...Nope, he never even heard about the costume contest. Or so he claims.
• "Lend any kiD"... holy cats, it's a creepy temporary adoption scheme! Probably for celebrities, who hoist the kids on their shoulders at photo-ops and then deposit the hapless tots behind a Taco Bell somewhere. Or maybe this is a savings-and-loan for toddlers.
• andy KindLe... which is one letter away from the name of one of my favorite stand-up comics, Andy Kindler.*

Y'know what? Maybe I'm just paranoid. Okay, forget it, "Lydean." Whatever your secret is, it's safe.

She writes:

I honestly can draw, but I'm tired and my hand hurts and I'm running out of paper, so you get modified HeroMachine stuff. Sorry.

I stuck with the classic purple and orange and they're all variations. I gave you dark purple with orange accents. Some chunky technological bracers and a belt to keep all your art supplies and stuff. I probably should've played some more, but, again, tired, hand hurts, so feel free to pick and choose (like you wouldn't anyway)

On the last one I tried to give a subtle crenelated effect to the mask. Otherwise, I think they speak for themselves.

So, yeah, I have no chance of winning and you're going to let the entire internet know I'm a lazy bastard (or would be if I was a guy). Oh well.

Hmm. Sounds interesting. Let's peruse her collection!

Not bad!

Sweet!

Yikes. No thanks, I don't do the belly shirt thing. And the mask stands out too much from the rest of the outfit.

But I love the second one! It's going in the "maybe" pile, in fact! It's classic with a twist -- the castle cut-out -- which really sets it apart. And there's just enough crenelation to make it distinctive without overwhelming the eye. And of course, the beard rawks. Good job, Lydean!

*In my opinion, one of the funniest jokes Andy Kindler ever did was this: "What I hate, is when a comedian bases a joke on an incorrect premise. Like this one comic, he starts his set with 'So I was in the store the other day and I see they're selling sugarless chocolate. Who's that for?' ...IT'S FOR DIABETICS, that's who it's for! Yeah, so I was in the hospital the other day, and I saw people getting injected with insulin, what's that all about? Who's that for?"

Extreme Blockadeover: Nicolas M.

The H.M.S. Exquisite has a new, turbo-charged, eight-gazillion-cylinder nuclear engine and I've set course for Rimbor and the galaxy's largest open-air black market! Once we arrive we'll try to sell everything we can before the U.P. can show up and take my pirate's license away.

I wish there was somebody on my crew who was missing enough body parts to qualify as a replacement but no. They're all just strutting around, showboating their non-amputated arms and legs, like they're trying to piss me off on purpose, goddammit. I'd volunteer for an operation myself if I wasn't planning on quitting the space pirate game anyway. I just wish I could keep some of the great stuff I've stolen -- like this great Imskian hairbrush set that I use for grooming my eyebrows. I'm morally opposed to guys "shaping" their eyebrows through hair removal but I do like to make sure they're nice and combed. Sometimes I "set" them with a little gel.

Which brings me in a roundabout way to the latest entry in my costume design contest! It's from Nicolas "Nico" M., who was faced with major interruptions -- like power blackouts and emergency phonecalls -- every time he attempted to delineate my chest hair! It's eerie. Clearly, some diabolical force was trying to prevent him from entering my contest. Weight Wizard's ghost, perhaps?

First, Nico sent me a "joke" entry, but it's so brilliant that I'm going to share it with you all anyway.

Gah! Scary! Nico explains:

Considering that I faced power outages and other distractions the first few times I tried to work on a costume, maybe it’s not odd that I finally ended up with an outfit not for you, but rather for your evil earth-3 (or whatever their calling it these days) counterpart Barricade Boy, the hairless wonder.

He originally used his power to turn into a moderately sized chain link fence to commit petty crimes, but these days he calls himself a hairstylist. Meaning that he mugs people and threatens to zap them with his depilatory laser unless they hand over their wallet.


Sorry, a real entry should be forthcoming.

I should hope so. Hell, you should hope so, because your nightmarish imagery caused one of my billions of beard hairs to turn white, and I'm a little pissed off at you right now. *yanks out white hair and grunts, manfully*

Now, this is more like it. And don't worry, I'm picturing it with a copious pelt in all the exposed areas, not just the calves.

OK, here’s a real costume. I suspect that it may be a bit too simple for your taste, but I wanted something that didn’t distract too much from your body. With luck, the cut of the arms and chest serve to emphasize your size. The flash of skin at your legs is there mainly cause I’m a bit of a leg man.

Aw, so close! I like the combination of the close-cropped hair and beard. The neckline is perfect. And I think the gradated colors are absolutely terrific. It's striking but it's not garish, because the colors are still predominantly solid. The boots are perfect, being a solid, darker color that doesn't compete with the rest of the outfit. However, I don't care for the high-water tights. Exposed calves are cool, but I think raising the hem to just over the knee would have worked a lot better. The way it is, it almost looks like regular pants that shrunk a little. Also, with the simple silhouette of the garment, it needs a logo somewhere to focus they eye. It doesn't have to be big. It could just be on my left man-breast, like a badge, or maybe on the waist, like a buckle (you know how I like to design those belt-less buckles.) As it stands, I'm going to have to pass on it.

From your LiveJournal I get the impression you don't have a lot of time to spare for something like this, so I really appreciate that you sent me these. If you want to revamp the last one a little, that'd be awesome... but I totally understand if you're too busy.

Thanks, pal!

Extreme Blockadeover: MaGnUs, Part Four

The H.M.S. Exquisite has docked at an out-of-the-way planetoid for repairs. Since the Exquisite is a pirate spaceship I had to take the old girl to a skeezy chop-shop establishment. They're replacing the melted nuclear engine with one they "reclaimed" from a fancy U.P. battle cruiser. Already I can hear the mechanics whispering shit like "That's the famous Brigadier Blockade? I thought he was a cyborg!" and "He's got all his body parts! What's up with that? You can't be a pirate if you still got all your arms and legs!" and "The U.P.'s gonna take back his pirate's license for sure!" and (of course) "Now that's what I call a man! Do you think he'd roger me in the grease pit if I asked real nice?" (I get that last one all the time.) But yeah, word that I'm no longer officially qualified to be a pirate is going to spread pretty fast now. And I'd threaten these guys to keep 'em quiet but it sounds like they're into that. Which is fine, I don't even want to be a pirate anymore (so there!) but if the U.P. catches up to me before I've had a chance to unload my booty (so to speak) they're going to confiscate it all! So I've got to get the Exquisite up and running and off to someplace I can make a helluva deal for all my legally-stolen merchandise.

In the meantime, I've got some more mail! From MaGnUs! And he says...

So, here goes my last batch

Sure it is, buddy. Sure it is...! *thunderous-yet-congenial laughter*

This is the x-costume again, with less skin showing, and less of a gimpy feel to it. I dropped the cowl, but left the goggles, and kept the huge-ass X on the chest, as well as the textured gloves. Black bodysuit, and a belt only as a fashion accesory (like Rogue used to wear); with multi-buckled boots to match. I don't expect you to put this one on the maybe pile, but I just wanted to show you the redesign.

Well, tough shit because I am putting it on the "maybe" pile.

Just for shit and giggles: Detective Blockade goes to Reboot Era and has mutiple pouches to hold all the bullets he needs to kill people who call themselves stuff like "Apparition", "Live Wire" or "Inferno".

Heh. Cute. It's a non-starter for me, of course, because of the gray temples (which don't exactly go with "Boy") and the generic costume. Also, I kind of miss the cigar. Even though I'm more of a pipe man myself. Oh well.

Professor Blockade: Mad scientist get up, again, just for fun. Absent-minded mad scientist.

I know, but I decided to post this anyway. Because I really like the goggles, the bald head, and (especially) the walrus mustache. Koo-koo-katchoo, motherfuckers! The bow tie is a nice touch as well. Y'know, it's a shame this is mostly street clothes, or else I'd consider it for the "maybe" pile.

Kung-Fu Blockade: Just a regular kung-fu fighter outfit, with the sunglasses to give it a modern touch, and of course, a black belt.

Wow! No, thank you. Although I like the idea of showing my big, ape-like feet to all the world. On the few occasions I've walked around barefoot in public, I'd see strangers glance down at my feet and get these ridiculous scrunched-up "disgusted" faces, so then of course I had to pin them up against a wall -- with one of my feet -- and say "You know what your problem is? You just can handle how fabulous my feet are!" (Yes, I sometimes paraphrase dialog from the Whitney Houston version of "Cinderella.") And then I pimp-slap them a couple of times. With my feet.

There, won't torture you again with my designs

Oh! Well, I'm glad we've come to some sort of an understanding...

unless I get new ideas...

D'oh!

Extreme Blockadeover: Justin Garrett Blum

This next submission just materialized in the air right in front of me and hung there, floating, while I was in the middle of my morning ablutions. Tusker was so startled he dropped the scrub brush and threw himself back against the nearest wall. His big, dopey head whipped around. "Are we under attack?" he cried. I, of course, didn't even raise a bushy eyebrow. One of my sinewy arms shot out (The speed of a python, I have!) and grabbed it.

I sniffed at the envelope, paused, taking in the scent, and then I ran my nose all over it, inhaling the odor greedily with loud snorfling noises. I waved the letter at Tusker. "Magic," I said with a grim smile. "I'd recognize it anywhere."

"Plus it just appeared out of the blue and it was floating," Tusker pointed out, so of course I had to pummel him for making me look uncool. But I only slapped him around a little, because I'm always in a good mood when somebody sends me a costume design! This one is from Justin Garrett Blum, who starts out with some wholly unnecessary damage control:

Dear Blockade Boy,

Okay, before you view the image, I plead with you to bear with me just a minute. First of all, my apologies for the crappy scan and coloring job. I penciled the image pretty small and then to make it worse, I went over it with a fine-tip sharpie, which bled, so I lost some of the detail, and I couldn’t quite get the detail I wanted in any case, even in pencil. Also, I have a feeling you’re probably going to tear me a new asshole anyway, so I didn’t want to spend a whole night on it or anything. J

The one thing I wish I could go back and do over (but I’m too lazy to) is the face. I was attempting to give you sort of an ursine characteristic with the big, round beard, but I’m afraid that with the scale I was working at, I couldn’t pull it off. Also, I have no idea how to computer color somebody with so much hair. You came out looking sort of like Tygra from Thundercats. Not really bad, just not what I was really going for. But hopefully you get the idea.

Right then, apologies out of the way…

I really only had one goal with this design—and that was to keep it as simple as possible, but without sacrificing style. When I first started reading your blog over a year ago, one of the first posts I read was something you did about Doctor Strange’s kick ass robe. I remembered that—because I thought that robe was the bees knees, as well—so I knew going in that I wanted to give you something floor length and stylin’. At the same time, I wanted your outfit to be as stripped down as possible—literally. I mean, what’s the point of having all that body hair if you can’t show it off, right? With that in mind, I thought, “Let’s see, Blockade Boy is a pirate, and pirates are rough, but at the same time, he’s also a dandy.” I had to merge those two sensibilities somehow.

Then I hit upon it. The Romans. Kick ass mofos, no doubt, but also one of the most indulgent societies to ever exist. Then I was like, “What would a hard-core Roman look like if he were actually a gay fashion designer pirate from the far future?” And, well, this is what I came up with.

Here’s what I like about it: nobody’s going to mess with a dude dressed like this. You know why? Because if a person dresses like this, he’s got to have some serious balls—figuratively and literally.

Anyway, just keep an open mind. That’s all I ask. See, I even let one of your nipples peak out and everything!


Regards,

Justin

Justin, don't worry about the technical quality of your artwork. As long as it gets the basic idea across, I'm cool with it. And that's also why I decided to allow folks to elaborate on their designs with their letters. I should be able to get the gist of what you're trying to sell me with some simple artwork and a paragraph or two. Okay... *breathes deeply* ...Let's take a look at this puppy!

I have just two words for you, Justin: Kick. Ass.

What I especially love about this design is the balance of contrasts. The huge theatrical cape is juxtaposed with the daintier briefs and accessories, and the flamboyance of the costume is set against an animalistic beard and hairstyle (and, of course, my brawny, furry bod). Well done, lad. This one's headed for the finals!

Extreme Blockadeover: Ed Novak

Ah, another missive for me from the 21st Century! This one is from an "Ed Novak" but after that "Loren Lassiter" business (I'm still not convinced, "Loren") I'm treating the name of every new correspondent as a puzzle that must be solved! For example, I see that "Ed Novak" is an anagram for "Oak Vend." Huh. ...Yeah, I got nothin'. I'll have to file that one away for later. You've won this round, "Ed." Go ahead and show me your wares. Speak to me from the dusty eons of yore!

Well, seein' as MaGnUs has managed to prove that an interesting costume can be done with HeroMachine, I've decided to put my limited skills to the test. Hope you think this is as cool as I do!

Yeah. Me too.

Huh. Well, I--

Don't eliminate him yet!

How's about you don't tell me what to do, Mr. Vend or whoever you really are? *grumbles*

Your chest is mostly naked beneath the cowl, including your diamond cutters. The purple leotard ends in a sort of triangular point beneath the cape (y'know, I could probably just make a version without the cape...one sec. There we go.) I know you'd prefer your chest exposed at all times, but check this out -- you can show it off whenever you want...WITH A DRAMATIC CAPE FLIP! You'll start a fight with the menacing, cloaked appearance Batman always has, but once you start kicking ass, your rugged shoulders and manly nipples will be out there for your foes (and press) to admire! C'mon, you know that's awesome. And hey, if you want 'em on display all the time, you can just throw the cape back.

Also, the grayness of it kinda evokes the whole "moderately-sized steel wall" thing. And I thought, y'know...it looked nice.

Well, don't tell me, boy! Show me!

Uh-huh. This looks really familiar to me for some reason... where have I seen this before? I know it'll come to me. Any last words while I try to shake a memory out of my battered noggin?

Finally, you're "Blockade" now because the costume makes ya look a little older, wiser, grizzled, and more experienced. Also, it sounds much more badass without the "boy." At least I think so. Please don't hurt me.

You did not just tell me what to do again! *grabs rebuilt Electric Sousasaxotimpanibone from passing Storm Boy and smashes it to bits* Balls. Now see what you made me do. *stews for a minute*

Oh! I just remembered! About the costume... this is almost exactly what I wore to Junior Prom! (And you don't want to know where Weight Wizard wanted me to put the boutonniere.)

Okay, judgment time: I like the idea of the peekaboo cape -- very clever. However, the extreme angle of the "truss" makes it a little too reminiscent of ladies' evening gowns for my tastes. And while it's a good design in general, there's not much in it that makes it stand out to me. (The orange side-patches on the legs remind me of my earlier designs from a couple of years ago... or was it twenty? Damn sliding timeline!) So I'm going to pass on it. Thanks for playin', Oak!

P.S. About the name change... it's so crazy it just might work. I'm still kind of attached to the whole "Boy" thing, though, especially with the Legion still going by "Boy" and "Lad" and "Kid" even while they're pre-registering their kids for private schools and setting up retirement accounts. What do you think, readers? Should I drop the "Boy" from my codename?

We Are Not Amused

...Aw, who am I kiddin'? I was laughing my ass off. Gyuss Baaltar sent me this costume design, prefacing it with:

attached are my ideas for the blockadeover. I thought someone ought to show a costume both in casual and "powered on" mode.

Sorry for the crayon, they don't like us to have pens in here.

Here's the "costume" (Justice is coming, and it wears Converse All-Stars!) in my reg'lar brawling humanoid mode:

And here it is in my "wall" form:

They let this guy teach skydiving?! The man is a Coleman Francis movie just waiting to happen! (He feels real free up there, in the high blue sky...)

Of course my powers don't work like that, thank the Luck Lords. Maybe in the "Tiny Titans" universe. Man, would Blockade Tot ever rock their world...!

Extreme Blockadeover: MaGnUs, Part Three

MaGnUs closes out his latest missive with:

I hope I did better this time, if one of them doesn't even fancy you at all, don't waste time commenting it, I'll take the hint. :P

Aw! Don't fret about it, MaGnUs! While you did send me a couple of plain 20th Century street clothes ensembles, I'm going to comment on all of your designs anyway, because your work is so much improved since last time. Also, as smooth 1970's balladeer Walter Egan sang,

With you I'm not shy to show the way I feel
With you I might try my secrets to reveal
For you are a MaGnUs and I am (a) steel (wall)

...Was that weird? Hey, where are you going?! Come back!

Right out of the gate, this is scads better than anything you've sent me before.

Blockade X: This is you, if Cockrum had suffered a rejection on a costume, and reused it for the X-Men. It's inspired in Colossus'
costume, using long boots like you like to use sometimes in your designs. The headset is inspired on Colossal Boy's, and you're wearing some nice shades, plus a pimping goatee. It's all red leather, except for the insides of the shorts, of course, or that'd be very uncomfortable. For the gloves, instead of spikes, I went with some studs.

Nice. It's a solid, well-considered design. The studs on the gloves are a smart use of texture to dress up all that shiny red. I'm still passing on it, but only because I'm not fond of the detached cowl, and the feel of it is a little too masochistic for my tastes. What could have turned this into a "maybe" for me would be covered thighs (although my thighs are "magnificent", or so I've paid people to tell me) and no cowl.

Heh. You should have put him in a Hawaiian shirt and called him "MaGnUs, P.I." *stirring electric guitar theme starts up out of nowhere* ...Hang on. Storm Boy! Cut that shit out! I'm tryin' to blog! ...Sorry.

Detective TJ Blockade: This started out as a suave spy outfit, but turned into a tough cop look, in case you ever need to go to the 70s.
Check the shades, and the police-issue tashe.

This one's automatically out of the running because it's street clothes (but then you probably guessed that) but I did want to say that's one sweet 'stache, and the mirrored shades are a nice touch. Hey, maybe you could combine those two elements with a proper costume, in kind of a superhero/cop mash-up. I remember on "The Ben Stiller Show" from the early days of FOX, they'd do "COPS" parodies set in other eras, like they'd be in Salem during the witch hunts, wearing Puritan costumes, but they'd still have the mirrored sunglasses and cop 'staches.

Blockade Boy: Fashionable Lion Tamer!

Doc Blockade: Pulp time! You're ready to battle Nazi Gorilla Robot Zombie Ninjas in this outfit, complete with riding pants and boots. The purple shirt says "Blockade", and its sleeves are rolled in case you need to get your hands dirty with monkey zombie goo. The whip is a special touch for keeping Storm Boy in check, and the awesome handlebar is sure to draw attention. This is one of my favorites.

Again, this one's out for just putting me in a shirt. (And I only ever use the whip on Tusker.) But it looks great! You definitely took my advice about the use of neutrals.

What-ho! No, seriously... what?

Monsieur Le Blockade: If you ever need to go swashbuckling around 18th Century France, this is the perfect option for you. Leather gloves past the elbow, and riding boots up to your hips, plus a dashing purple tunic with a touch-of-color in the orange sash, matching the band and feather on the hat. The Imperial (I think it's called that) beard and mustache adds overall musketeer cred, and the bare chest underneath the tunic is also a personal touch. I don't think the long, flowing locks are a favorite of yours, but they go with the rest of the outfit.

Once more, great balance of color and neutrals, and bravo for not cluttering up the bottom half with some kind of freaked-out Musketeer shoes. And my problem with the long hair on the last one is that it was that curly French court poodle hair. It was too fussy. I'm going to mull this one over. I'll have an answer for you... at the end of the post.

Haw!

Muchacho Muro: Not much to say, but a straight-up Mexican Luchador outfit. Rough and mysterious, it says "Fiesta In The Ring!"

The goddamn beard is on the outside of the mask. You're a madman. A MADMAN! But in the good way. This is nuts, and I'm going to pass on it, but I admire your moxie, kid. And yet it's still a good design! I'm just knocked out by how much your stuff has improved, in so short a time.

In Soviet Russia, costume wears you!

Komrade Blockadovsky: Another favorite of mine, this is perfect for gallivanting around Soviet-dominated timelines. The straight gray of Soviet clothing is accentuated here with some red, and I even used the gloves you liked a lot from a previous outfit. In propaganda style, you sport a sickle and hammer, plus the words Blockade Boy in cyrillic-like fonts. The beard just screams "Russia!", and the hairstyle is courtesy of Stalin.

Yeah, I'm not wearing a hammer-and-sickle. Game over just on that account. Also, for my tastes this vodka-soaked confection is way too dour, with all that gray. Still, it's not a bad design.

Now about that "Blockskateer" design of yours... my only issue with it is the hat. ...Although I do own a hat like that, for flourishing at people when I bow, like Tom Wilkinson's character in "Girl With a Pearl Earring." I've mentioned it before a few times, when thanking people in the comment boxes. Anyway, I figured I wouldn't have to wear the hat every waking hour, so I did a little sketch of myself without it.

Hey, I like it! Check me out! *tiger growl* Congratulations, buddy, this one's a "maybe!" (Make Mine MaGnUs!)

Extreme Blockadeover: Loren Lassiter

More mail for me!

This one's from a "Loren Lassiter." Well, that's obviously a made-up name. Where'd you swipe it from, "Loren"? Some old "Superman" comic? Yeah, I thought so. Nothin' gets past Blockade Boy! (Unless it moves a few feet to the left or right, first. Then it's smooth sailing.)

Loren writes:

The lines are reminiscent of Dave Cockrum. You can see the Cosmic Boy influence. The two tone combination is in the style of Steve Lightle. The bracers are Hercules like to give him the air of power and strength. The Interlac "B" is of course a homage to the Superman emblem. I hope you like it, hairy body, nipples and all. Your site has provided me with a good laugh when I really needed it. I love your costume designs.

Thanks, "Loren"! (If that is indeed your real name.)

I love all the detail you put into the costume's story, and the idea of paying tribute to so many Legion fashion designers. Still, I'm sorry to say I'm going to pass on this one. It's almost there, but not quite. I like the bracers, especially combined with the bare arms. The cape is a nice touch. And I love how you played with positive and negative space, joining the sides of the emblem to the collar and to the yellow/gray shapes on the costume. I'm not so sure about the belt. Maybe if it had been larger -- and therefore bolder -- in proportion to the rest of the costume. Also, that long, broad, bright stripe of yellow needs to be broken up by a thicker shape. Stylistically, the belt needs the droopy 1970's boots to keep it from looking out of place, so it was wise to include them. My biggest objections to this costume have to do with the color scheme and the emblem itself. I think gray and yellow can look just fine together. However, when you use them in near-equal amounts, it's a good idea to make one color much darker than the other to keep them from canceling out each other's visual impact. In this case, a much darker gray would have helped. As for the emblem, the red-blue clash with all that yellow and gray, and they're not repeated anywhere else on the costume. And while I understand that you wanted to stylistically mimic the Superman emblem, it still looks kind of chunky and formal compared to the rest of the outfit. I dunno. Maybe that sort of thing only worked with (for example) Kon-El's old costumes because it was the genuine Superman emblem. That thing's become iconic, where you can slap it on anything and nobody notices if it actually looks good or not.

Man, I'm turnin' into a total hard-ass with these critiques, ain't I? I hope I don't scare off any potential contest winners!

Extreme Blockadeover: MaGnUs, Part Two

Another batch of designs from MaGnUs! Five this time! And he promises to send fifteen more! At least! Well, let's see what the industrious fellow has for me tonight.

Yow! Care to elaborate, MaGnUs?

Blockade Gaijin: This is a cyberpunk look, seeing as to how someone beat me to my all-time favorite of steampunk. In going with Shadowrun tradition, there's some Native American elements (the mohawk and the breastplate), that'd make you look like a wild warrior, with a lot of exposed skin if you don't wear the overcoat.
The coat, pants and boot add an urban flavor, while the sunglasses scream "this is what the future looked like in the 1980s". The facial hair is biker style, to go with the leathers. There's a uzi for drive-bys, a baseball bat for some legbreaking, and the obligatory cyberpunk monofilante swords.

I like the two different colors in the mohawk. And I like that one of those colors is repeated in the swords. It was smart of you to keep the other colors muted, to keep it from looking too busy. Still, it's not so much a costume as an outfit. Don't get me wrong -- it rocks 'n' all, but I'm afraid there's just not much to it. Next?

Those shoulderpads look familiar...

Neobarbarian Blockade: Since you liked the spiked shoulderpads, I decided to do something with them, only now they're more of a tarnished gold color, and the bracers no longer have spikes. I decided to go Mad Max on you, hence the combat boots and eyepatch, as well as the shotgun.

Yes, I gave you a kilt, I think it looks good on you, and the braided beard adds to the highlander effect, with the white of it and the hair probably being due to some weird acid rain. The hammer is just there because it makes you look more badass, while the kilt had (with your beloved purple and orange scheme) to go with the fur loincloth that still says "I kill stuff".

Now, this is too busy. MaGnUs, I love your enthusiasm. But dude, simplify. Yeah, I know you were going for eclecticism with this particular design, but I'm not just referring to this design. Maybe if I break down why this one doesn't ultimately work for me, you'll understand where I'm coming from.

• The shoulderpads, chain, and bracers? Excellent. You took away that knife sash and now they have more visual presence. Well done.
• The kilt? Great. I love it. It has a pattern on it, which draws the eye. This would be a problem except for a few important things. For one, the kilt is a simple shape -- no scallops or crenellation or jagged edges, just a rectangular piece of fabric. That makes the kilt's pattern more readable and therefore easier for the mind to register. Secondly, there is no other piece in this costume that has a pattern, so that limits the possibility that something would clash with it.
• Unfortunately, the greenish "tarnished gold" color of the shoulderpads and bracers do clash with it. It would have been better for you to make the shoulderpads and bracers a neutral color like a grayish silver or a bronze or copper that was chiefly brown but with a hint of red -- red being the unifying color between orange and purple.
• The loincloth. You didn't have to keep it. And you especially didn't have to layer it over the kilt. Sure, I've layered loincloths over metal leggings, but the difference there is a strong contrast in texture (smooth shiny metal/shaggy fur) and length (everything below waist covered/just the naughty bits and ass crack) -- not to mention a more striking temporal distance between the two items. If you wanted to use the loincloth's fur on a sporran -- those little pouches that hang in front of kilts on chains -- that would have worked better, because sporrans are smaller and less obtrusive, and they go with kilts anyway. The brown would also have looked better in a smaller ratio to all that orange and purple.
• The combat boots work with everything else because they are a neutral (black) and their silhouette is not complicated. You have a lot of complicated shapes and a loud, colorful pattern higher up on this design, so it's a good idea to keep some parts of the ensemble simple, so the eye isn't constantly drawn to many different parts of the body.
• White is fine for the hair and beard (up to a point, and I'll address that in a bit). Really, any natural color would have been fine, since "red" hair -- which is really closer to orange -- goes with the orange on the kilt, and most other natural colors are neutrals. Even natural blond hair (i.e. not the screaming lemon-yellow of Aquaman's or Oliver Queen's) is "neutralized" because the yellow hues in it are not pure yellow, but are mixed with brown and/or white.
• The beard is a problem for me. I'm not a tremendous fan of "pigtail beards" anyway, but where this one fails for me, design-wise, is in the way the lines of the two tails interrupt the thicker, sweeping line of the chain. It's distracting. You should have gone with either the big chain or the pigtails. And the ribbons or rubber bands or whatever in the beard are red, which is nowhere else to be found on the costume. Again, a neutral would have been better. Okay, sure, so I could just unbraid the dang thing. My problem then is the mammoth disconnect between a guy with a long white beard and his name containing the word "boy." With a beard this length, another color would ultimately have been better. (Yes, a guy with a long beard can still look young, even on your wimpy planet. Heck, if I recall my history books correctly, the winner of the natural beard category in the 2007 World Beard and Mustache Championships was twenty-three!)
• The mohawk with the long beard? Great contrast. Love it. And it helps that size-wise, it's not trying to compete.
• The eyepatch. Aaaarrgh. With everything else that's going on, it's the accessory that broke the model's back. And from a conceptual standpoint, why would I even have an eyepatch? Is it because I already poked my eye out on the previous versions of the bracers? First Phillip Rice plans on me re-contracting that techno-organic virus, and now you want to take my eye! I just want people to design a kick-ass costume for me; I don't need them to be fantasizing about me getting some horrible injury. Even if the eyepatch is meant to be an affectation, it's not very practical. I suppose I could flip it up right before I get into a fight, but then I'd look like a total phony-baloney. No thanks.

To bottom-line it... when I design a costume, I try to keep the silhouette of it fairly iconic and simple, and I try to keep the various design elements -- color, pattern, texture, etc. -- in balance so they don't become overwhelming to look at. You have a ton of energy and some good ideas -- you just need to pull it back a little. I hope you didn't find this too "serious" or "boring" for what's meant to be a fun little contest. At any rate, I won't go into that kind of detail with you again. (For one thing, it took me about an hour-and-a-half to write!)

Okay! Next slide, please!

MaGnUs says:

Blockade San: Not much to say about this one, other than it fits a time travel trip to feudal Japan. Plus, you can twirl those fu-manchus like there's no tomorrow.

Hey, I enjoy twirling fu-manchus as much as the next guy, but this just looks like a generic ol' historical costume and that's it. I can see you put a lot of time and detail in it, but I just don't get the connection to me -- my personality or my powers or anything. Sorry, dude. Remember when I went all dandy-fied in Ye Olde Weste? I didn't just put on any ol' clothes I found. I put my signature colors and a logo on my vest, and I tied into those colors with my bandanna and hatband. If you're going to dress me in a historical costume, you need to give it something to make it unique.

Let's move on!

Magnus says:

Reboot Blockade: This is my take on how you would look if you'd been part of the reboot LSH, and Tom Peyer had designed you a new outfit.
Central color line flanked by secondary color, buckled gloves, and fold-flap ankle booties. Plus, an utility belt, and random pouches everywhere. Verrrry 1990s haircut, with an awful (but fitting for the era) jawline beard. Note the very subtle BB logo on the belt.

Better! I like the detail of the big snap on the side of the glove. Because I don't see that all the time. And I like that you designed a belt-logo for me. The rest of it's a little too familiar, though, and even if it's "historical" (in an alternate universe, from my perspective) I don't care for the thigh pouches.

And finally...

MaGnUs writes:

Blockade Boy-Five Years Later: This what I think what you'd worn after the collapse of the UP. Faux-Versailles chic, with ruffles and puffy sleeves, funky shoes, and British parliament hair, along with scruffy stubble and post-apocalyptic trenchcoat.

Yeah, I've peeked into that universe (Rond, I'll never forget that night as long as I live) and I think I can safely say I wouldn't have been caught dead wearing this. This foppish frippery may have been good enough for a douche like Sun Boy but I like to think I would have rebelled against the ruffled majority by wearing something figure-hugging and sleek, like that boring cipher man of mystery, Kent Shakespeare. So no thanks.

I hope all this helps. If you remember what I said here, I'll bet you'll get a costume (or three!) into my "maybe" pile. Good luck!

Extreme Blockadeover: MaGnUs, Part One

I was just finishing the last of the fourteen raw porterhouse steaks I always have for breakfast when the e-mail alert sounded. It turned out to be the first three in what promises to be a whole passel of designs from MaGnUs! Bring it, buddy!

MaGnUs writes:

Blockade Boy a la Cockrum: So here I went with a late 60s and full 70s costume for you, with a lot of Cockrum inspiration (as you can see in the boots, belt, and gloves). The scheme is green and steel-grey; the latter because it evokes a blockade wall, and the former because it very well damn pleased me.

Half of your torso and one arm are exposed, and you are wearing steel-grey body paint, except on your nipple. The twin "Bs" back to back are in Interlac, grey on the green side, green on the grey side, matching the gloves. Mind you, the gloves and boots were originally going to be white, a la Star Boy's dazzling starfield costume; but then I settled on green and grey, and gave you a short cape as in Thom's earlier costume (yes, the fuschia one).

I gave you a He-Man kind of haircut, with a beautiful shine and body, because I figured you'd share beauty secrets with Saturn Girl and the likes. I also gave you a headdress, a la Colossal Boy, to keep your fabulous hair out of your face while you kick ass. The three-day growth of stubble is just to show that you're macho, no matter your haircut, and you're holding a cigar that you smoke from time to tome, because it wasn't politically incorrect to do so.

I see what you're going for, pal, but no thanks. I'm not fond of the color scheme, the asymmetry, or (especially) the body paint... although if I ever did indulge in painting my body, I sure as hell would leave my nipples unpainted, the better to show those babies off. And while the hair does look nice 'n' lustrous, it's also about the same shape as Marcel's from "Top Chef" season two. Also, I don't do sharply-defined bangs. I just don't. As for the stubble and cigar, while I'm not opposed to them in principle, I'm manly enough that I don't feel the need to engage in symbolic demonstrations of masculinity. *daintily wipes steak blood from lips with tips of floor-length mustache* What else ya got?

*grits teeth* MaGnUs--! Explain yourself.

Blockade Barbarian: This one started as a He-Man costume, but turned into a barabarian gladiator one. I think the gold-plated spiked shoulderpads and bracers look badass, and you've got a big-ass sword, and a pimpin' mace, as well as a half-dozen knives to throw around.

You can't see the nipples because of the chains, but man, will those chains feel great against them nipples! The fur boots loudly say "I kill stuff", and the matching loincloth is only there for vanity purposes (to match the boots and say "I also kill stuff with my crotch"); since as you can see by looking closely, you're wearing a chainmail brief.

I went with the medieval beard, and the prince valiant haircut, because it was what I wanted for the He-Man look, but decided they looked cool with the barbarian gladiator thing. The belt sports a BB emblem made from lower case Cyrillic style letters, which looks like some sort of hyborean rune.

First of all, I want to give you a jovial, bone-crushing handshake for taking your entry in a direction I haven't seen yet. Way to go! I like the shoulderpads, loincloth, boots, and the kewl weaponry... although I'm not sure about all those knives... after I'd slaughtered a tavern full of thugs I'd have to go around and locate all the knives I'd thrown. And I appreciate your telling me that the yellow parts were gold, because I was on the fence about all that yellow. Gold would look hella better. That said, I'm going to have to say "no" on this one, for three reasons:

1. The haircut. Again with the bangs, and I know it's a fantasy barbarian staple but I'm just not a fan. I can't look at a picture of Conan the Barbarian without thinking of Jennifer Connelly. That's why I always put my thumb over his head so I can drink in the rest of his body.
2. The big spikes on the gloves. Hell, any spikes on the gloves. I'd put my gorgeous eye out!
3. Chainmail briefs? What are you, trying to finish what Weight Wizard started? *points finger* Saboteur!!!

Okay, I'm done ranting. Let's see what's next...

A bottle? Well, this better be good...

Blockade Boozer: This is my rendition of you, should you decide to wear an Iron Man style armor. Of course, it snaps on like legos, and it takes pages and pages of boring sequences to put it on, but what the hell.

I went with one of your early color scheme, purple and orange, because it shocks enemies. I gave you a finned helmet and a huge-ass jetpack (which also keeps your ass warm while flying); to convey a flashgordonesque feeling to the ensemble. Plus, it allowed me to give you an open faced helmet which doesn't look as ridiculous as a fully armored, helmeted but faceplateless Tony Stark.

Like Tony, you have a dashing mustachio, and an itty bitty soul patch. Also, like Tony, you have a bottle of booze in your hand. If you zoom in, you'll see it's Dom Perignon 2097. Oh, and a straight up BB logo is on the chest.

Not bad! I look techno-debonaire! But don't go dissing orange and purple, boy. That's a classic combination. ...It's just that most of the universe hasn't figured it out yet. *scowls, i.e. "man-pouts"* I'm not a fan of the turret shapes on the jetpack (too literal, bordering on cheesy) and I'd rather have seen a tinted goggle/facemask deal on the helmet than to just have my whole face hangin' out there like that. Nice boots, though. This one's another "no", although it was close. Sorry. But I'm sure you'll have more designs for me to consider. Now get back to work!