Nude Fight!

I don't consider myself to be a petty individual, but I mightily enjoyed the subtle bitch-slapping the Wasp received in "Micronauts" #42 (June, 1982).

The set-up: Doctor Nemesis (Who? Precisely.) trains his super-shrink-ray on the Wasp's person but only manages to zap her dress into some microscopic nether region. Using her power to dwindle down to Mischa Barton-size wasp-size, she realizes that underneath the dress she wasn't wearing a costume. Or a bra. Or panties. (Oh, God, I just realized -- the Wasp is the Marvel Universe version of Tara Reid!) And to top it off, she has to deal with the stuttering, verdant horniness of alien insect-man, Bug. Who isn't nearly as creepy as this Bug. But still. I assume he's really into plastic surgery scars.

*SPROING!* Immediately after using her vast knowledge of alien erogenous zones to give Bug an instant hard-on, the Wasp takes off, smiling cruelly (panel not found, but trust me on this one). And she's wearing a cocktail napkin. Glorious. You know what might have made this even better? If it had been one of those novelty cocktail napkins with the dirty jokes on them. Ah, well. *sighs wistfully* And might I ask how she managed to get that ragged piece of paper to stick to her bulimic body? Is her perspiration wildly out-of-control, like Whitney Houston's? Is the spray-on tan not dry yet? Or did some wads of spit-out quiche inside the napkin act as a makeshift adhesive?

And now for the capper:

"One costume's as good as the next!" That's exactly right, honey, because they all suck. I also like how she realizes she's "put on a pound somewhere" and the very next panel is centered squarely on her ass. Thank you, Gil Kane!

Ticketbastards

Before we were so rudely interrupted (by Jeremy's primitive computer) I'd promised to give you my red carpet coverage from Dazzler's glitteringly horrendous concert at New York's Carnegie Hall, as seen in "Dazzler" #21 (November, 1982). And here it is!



Conveniently cropped out of the panel: the huge banner that reads "FREE HOTDOGS."

Say, who is that couple in the front with their backs turned? It can't be... is it? Holy crap, it's Ned Leeds and Betty Brant! C'mon, it has to be! Oh, I'm so proud of myself right now. I'm guessing Ned's right hand is locked in a death grip around Betty's left wrist, as he drags her deeper, deeper into the claustrophobic concert hall where she'll be forced sit perfectly still for two-and-a-half hours while she listens to the Dazzler's nasal screeching. And all the while she'll have a grotesque smile plastered on her mug, and occasionally she'll turn around to glance at Glory Grant in the seat behind her and she'll simper, "I think it's so very important to take an interest in your loved one's needs!" And Ned will squeeze her wrist even tighter because GODDAMMIT HE WAS LISTENING TO HIS MUSIC and Betty will dutifully shut most of her brain down once more.

The Fantastic Four was the first group of heroes to arrive, but they didn't wear or say anything interesting so I won't waste your time with that panel. I was afraid the night would be a total bust. But then this happened:



Oh my yes. Sure, she could hardly pry her way out of that sartorial abomination last time, but the She-Hulk somehow let the Wasp talk her into wearing it again! Then again, this may have been during She-Hulk's "pre-costume" period. Remember when she'd ditched the white rags she' always worn in her old book, and had taken to battling crime while attired as an aerobics instructor? With ankle warmers and everything? Now, that was a golden age! Meanwhile...

• Hawkeye's right arm has been horribly dislocated but that doesn't stop him from working the crowd! Sadly, nobody has any idea who he is.
• Captain America is wearing a trenchcoat so no one will figure out that he's willingly attending a Dazzler concert. Or maybe being frozen in a block of ice has given him Heat Wave's cold-phobia and the slightest draft sends him running for the coat closet. Okay, so I'm stumped. I could see him wanting to accessorize with a floor-length mink number (hey, it was 1982! Fur wasn't murder yet) but I just don't get the trench. Oh well. Just one more reason to hate him, I suppose.
• Iron Man really should get back on the treadmill or sumpin' because the man-boobs are getting entirely out of hand.
• Thor's wasted already. Of course, if I knew I was going to have to hear the Dazzler sing, I'd probably want to fortify my nerves with a little liquid courage as well.
• And the Wasp has chosen this occasion to wear one of her frumpiest costumes ever. But she threw an untied kimono over it and, if challenged, she would design an entire line of sportswear around the concept. Mind you, she's also blitzed out of her mind right now on pain pills, as the morning's dermabrasion session resulted in her nose being sandblasted right off her face.

"I'd heard so much about Dazzler's talents, I didn't want to miss the show." In other words, he'll be echolocating the hell out of her rack from just inside a janitor's closet. That billy club's getting a workout tonight! Also... earplugs? I have to admit that's a genius idea.

First panel: man, now there's a metaphor for a closeted/out relationship if ever I've seen one. "I told you, you can only call me 'Wondy" when we're at home!"

Second panel: package for Mister Quasar! And the Angel brought his "gramma." Dude, c'mon! Has it really come to that? You're a millionaire! Where'd all the money go? Gambling? Coke habit? Italian shoes? My mind is freaking out just trying to imagine the personal ad that led to this pairing. Giving commentary from behind a sawhorse is Namorita and Vance Astro! Or maybe it's the two kids from the Space Ghost cartoon. And I have to agree, Vance. One's grandmother is never worth wearing a costume for, or, y'know, a necktie.

Breathlessly, the caption boxes descend into online fanfic quality...

"Ali would've killed me!" ("Ali" being the slim young Morroccan poolboy at his country club. Ali couldn't afford a ticket but Ken promised to tell him, oh, just everything!)

If anybody ever wanted to know why the Dazzler comic never really caught on with any segment of the human population (aside from Jeremy), I'd like to present this guy as Exhibit A. For a while, he was the Dazzler's love interest. No, seriously. And that's the problem! Y'see, Dazzler's comic was, at its core, a superheroic mutation of "Millie The Model." Lancelot Steele = Clicker (the himbo), Cassandra = Chili Storm (the acid-tongued romantic rival), Vanessa = Toni Turner (the pretty friend), and Harry Osgood = Mr. Hanover (the well-meaning boss). So despite its X-pedigree, it seemed like it was targeted more at girly-girls than at tomboys. And yet Marvel handled the idea so clumsily! (Like usual.) I mean, I'm no expert, but I suspect that typical adolescent girls of 1982 didn't really go for guys with porn star mustaches, aviator-style glasses, and man-perms.

Tomorrow: inside the Dazzler concert! And before that, Jeremy will post his comments on last night's game, along with the debut of my little cartoon headshot of his balding noggin.

Stupid Moments In Fashion: Avengers #222 (Part Two)

So, the guy's sitting up there in a green metal harness, and it's only when he takes off the chauffer hat that the Wasp figures out he's not her regular driver. That can mean only one of two things: either the Wasp is frightfully stupid, or she dresses her servants in some pretty bizarre get-ups. My theory was the latter. And it was confirmed (yay, me!) when I snuck into -- er, make that visited the Van Dyne compound. Here's a list of some of the other positions in and around the Wasp's mansion, along with which Marvel Comics villains their uniforms most closely resemble:

1. Butler: Doctor Doom
2. Footmen: Annihilus
3. Valet: Ultron
4. Head Housemaid: Titania
5. Maids: the Enchantress
6. Cook: Magneto
7. Pastry Chef: the High Evolutionary
8. Wine Steward: Baron Zemo
9. Gardener: Thanos
10. Poolboy: the Wendigo (either that or he had a lot of back hair)

Hmmm.... come to think of it, this would also confirm my first theory of the Wasp being frightfully stupid. I win again!

And now, for no reason whatsoever, here's Tiger Shark enduring history's most painful beer fart:

Stupid Moments In Fashion: Avengers #222 (Part One)

Can anybody explain the Wasp's line of thinking here? The She-Hulk is around six-foot-six. How is her figure flattered by putting her in genie pants and puffy sleeves? Is it really imperative that she look bulkier? And if so, why bother with all that fancy sewing? Why not stick her in a burqa, topped with a big, floppy sun hat? Or a beekeeper's uniform?

The She-Hulk obviously hates this costume, and I respect the hell out of her for tempering her response. 'Cause God knows I wouldn't have. The Wasp defends her sorry creation in the next panel: "You're an unusual woman, Jennifer! Your clothes should say that!" (The green hair and skin not doing it for you, honey?) "We want a complete image that'll drive men wild at the sight of you!" (And that means concealing as much of your body as humanly possible!)

The Wasp shows the She-Hulk exactly where she fits on her list of priorities (i.e. down at #732, between "Look in the Yellow Pages for a good chimney sweep" and "Get that Plantar's wart looked at") when the Masters of Evil attack. The She-Hulk rushes off to battle but the Wasp flies in front of her just as she's about to rip her way out of the puffy-yet-restrictive garment. "That outfit is an original!" snaps the Wasp. "Tear it -- and I'll never speak to you again!" So while Moonstone and the Scorpion are pulverizing The Mighty Thor, the She-Hulk has to carefully get out of her ensemble...



...and join the fray in her lacy unmentionables.



Think about it: some poor Korean gal had to wax a full square yard of bikini area. I hope she got a decent tip.

Tomorrow: more fashion-related fun from Avengers #222!

Clothes Make The Menace: The Best Costume Of All Time

This has been my number one favorite costume ever since I saw it back in the summer of 1980, in "Spider-Woman" #31. And as you can see, it's been a big influence on my work.


Why do I love the Hornet's costume?
1. The color scheme: purple and orange. Eye-catching and weird. But it works. I still don't see this combination used very often in super-costumes. Of course, I had to use it for one of my own costumes.
2. Depending on what the colorist felt like doing in a particular panel, it had an Aquaman neckline. Show off those hunky shoulders, Hornet!
3. None of that "underpants on top of spandex" business.
4. The arrow motif. Striking but not too busy. It also works as a subtle tie-in to the similarly winged Janet "The Wasp" Van Dyne. Janet loved using arrows on her own costumes back then. And just like the Hornet, she made sure that every single arrow on her costume pointed directly at her crotch! I believe that's called "playing to your strengths."

The Hornet was really Scotty McDowell, a criminologist who was temporarily mutated and hypnotized into becoming a bad guy by one of Spider-Woman's enemies. This was especially hard on Spider-Woman given that he was the only member of her supporting cast. He was back to normal by the end of issue #32 and disappeared completely from "Spider-Woman" (and from comics in general) not long after. It's a real shame, too, since he had one kick-ass costume.