Lastikman's Checkered Past

According to the International Heroes website, one of the most popular heroes in the Phillipines is that stretchable sleuth, "Lastikman"! (Not to be confused with the Longatedman or Isterfantastik.) All kidding aside, I think he's kinda cool! Oh, not to worry, though. This isn't going to be one of those "mildly amusing" posts where I compliment something. Well, not just that, anyhow. Indulge me until about halfway through, when I get to the movie costumes! YEAHHH, BROTHER! *rubs hands together in anticipation*

Awright! This costume breaks several of my own rules for costume design, but it somehow still works. Normally, I'd hate that it...

1. Has "overpants", i.e. trunks worn over tights.
2. Exposes the hands.
3. Uses a strong color like red in seemingly just one location. (I can't find a color picture of the boots in the costume.)

What ties it all together, for me, is the black. There's just so danged much of it! Seriously. I'm all agog! But by using a strong neutral (like black or white) for the majority of your costume, you can get away with using primaries (unadulterated red, yellow, or blue) as your accent colors. Plus, the go-go chex of the top give this costume such a fun, Silver Age feel, I just can't stay mad at it! In fact, I wanna give Lastikman a big ol' bear hug! C'mere, you! ...Hang on. Whaddaya want, Gadfly Lad?

...Oh.

Gadfly Lad just informed me (with excruciating detail) that Lastikman's costume is "a part of him" and "he can't remove it." Which means there's zero chance of my ham-like hands snaking their way underneath it, to toy with his nipples. Hell, it means he has no nipples! ACK! Excuse me, I feel a tad queasy.

...That's better.

A bonus of the checkered pattern is that it looks great in black-and-white! Yes, even when escaping Playskool's My First Jail, Lastikman is the very picture of super-hero casual chic!

Recently, Lastikman appeared in a one-shot that gave him a fresh new look:

Holy cats! Did I design this? *racks brain, comes up with nothin'* Yeah, probably not. I LOVE THIS COSTUME. Kicky boots? Yup! Pants instead of tights? Damn skippy! Nifty belt? Hells yeah! Short-sleeved top with a strong geometric pattern! Sweet? Mussable, two-tone hair? Yes, please! A mask that-- okay, so I'm not really fond of the mask. I wanna put it in a terrarium and make it fight Kyle Rayner's mask. To the death. But I like the idea of it, and I get the sense that maybe it's mobile, and changes shape to match his expression. So I'll give it a pass.

Okay, enough fawning. Let's get to the part where I spray my contempt all over something.

Make way for... MOVIE COSTUMES! Oh, and I know this won't do a damn bit of good, but I'd like all the folks who are complaining about the "Watchmen" costumes to remember these crap-ass Lastikman outfits, so they can get a sense of GODDAMN PERSPECTIVE. I know, I know. Like I should give a shit about what other people think. And normally, that kind of purse-lipped fanboy aesthetic priggery makes me laugh, but the fact that folks are so up-in-arms over what seem to me like some very well-designed outfits... well, it just gets in my goat's craw. I have news for you, fanboys: no super-hero movie is ever going to meet your expectations. It's impossible. So don't watch them! Don't read articles about them. Don't write blog posts about them! Just accept that no studio or director is ever going to film your exact vision of what your favorite hero should be. Don't wallow in negative energy. Move on, get out of the house once in a while, and live! LIVE, DAMN YOU! I'm saying this to you because I care. You're like sons to me! *slaps your bottoms, playfully* Now get outta here, you lugs! Kidding. Come back! I have more things to say! I'll stop lecturing you. Honest. I feel better now. Just had to vent.

ONWARD!

Be honest. If you saw this picture with no context, you'd think it was from a menswear catalog. From 1964. Admit it. He looks like he's wearing a cardigan! And it was knitted by an aunt on his wife's side, and he actually hates the damn thing, but the wife is making him wear it because they're visiting the aunt today, in another town, and it's a five-hour drive, and it's like 72 degrees outside, and he's burning up, and the wool itches like crazy, but the wife insists he wear the sweater for the duration of the car ride, just in case one of her friends sees them, and he can't turn the a.c. on, because she's wearing shorts, and he tries to remember a time when she wasn't a controlling harpy, but he can't, and he starts to wonder if he was just so goddamn horny during their brief courtship that he didn't even notice, and suddenly he's seized by an impulse to drive the car off the side of a cliff.

...I've been told I may have "intimacy issues." BALDERDASH! *flop-sweats*

Saved by the Bell: the Filipino Years!

See what I mean about movie costumes? And this top doesn't even have as much patterning as the original! On a teeny comic panel, you can get away with go-go chex a-plenty, but on an actual human being, it makes the eyeballs burn. But my main problem is with his haircut. It's really pretty amazing, as it's both unflattering and makes him look like a douche. The Schrute-tastic styling of the bangs giganto-sizes his smooth forehead and says, "Let's hop in my Trans-Am!" while the mini-mullet in the back says, "Only we can't actually go anywhere 'cause it's up on blocks. In my front yard."

And finally, we have the best of a tragically bad lot:

Well, he's in better shape than the other two guys. I'll give him that.

I don't care that they made the checks blue, to tone down the contrast. There's still too damn many of 'em! But mainly, I hate the mask. It's too big! And the way it's designed, it makes his face look like it's all squished down on his head. *takes a good, long look at it* Oh, wait. His face is all squished down on his head! My bad. But still, that's why he should have gone with a smaller mask.

Golly, but that costume looks familiar.

Huh.

Home Planet Movies

My cousin, Phyllis, sent me a holo-vid of a big Staad "family reunion" they held back on my home planet of Amadus! Naturally, I couldn't attend. I mean, I'm currently evading a U.P. law by posing as my own (fictional) twin brother, and I didn't want to have to explain that to about two hundred grumpy, hairy people. There's also the little matter of my hating the entire lot of them. So that's problematic.

I don't want to bore you by showing you the entire vid. And besides, your pathetic 21st-century eyeballs (and brains) wouldn't be able to perceive the holo-dimensions, anyway. But still, I thought I'd post some 2-D screengrabs. It'll give you a nice glimpse of what my people are wearing nowadays (1,000 years from now, in another dimension) and consequently, both why I became a fashion designer and moved the hell away from there.

This is my favorite sequence on the holo-vid, by the way. Because there's violence!

Storm Boy! Play something appropriately jolly on your electric sousasaxotimpanibone, will you? How's 'bout the "Amok Time" theme from "Star Trek"? ...No, screw you! And why are you pointing at me with your pinky finger?! You've been doing that a lot, lately. ...OH, FOR--!

...He says "Pointing at people with your pinky finger is the new pointing at people with your index finger." GAH. I think I liked him better as a miserable wreck. Okay, so not really. But this "sassy queen" routine of his is working my last nerve.

Where were we? Aw, yeah! The holo-vid!

I wish I could tell you those were "party hats." But no. The Staads just really like their "bling." (Actually, I think somebody did order one party hat. From Orando. They used it as the refreshment tent.) From left-to-right, those are my cousins Byll, Gyll, and Wyll. Their branch of the family doesn't get outside much, which explains the pasty complexions. Byll has a home business, selling homemade "steampunk" riding mowers (they're about as big as one of your SUV's) on the intergalactic intraweb. Gyll is a professional ghost writer for insult comics. And Wyll lost his eyebrows in a smelting accident, so he's on disability. He draws them on with a magic marker nowadays.

At this point in the holo-vid, there's been a dispute over who was supposed to bring the Jell-o salad, and Gyll is hurling professional-strength barbs at...

...my Uncle Dylbyrt, formerly a stuntman for the Bismollywood film industry and currently a raging alcoholic. (On the edge of the frame, my Aunt "Big" Ethyl struggles through her space-Valium haze to perceive what all the kerfuffle is about.)

And then Gyll says something about Dylbyrt's back hair (as in, he doesn't have enough of it) and then it's on.

MAN, THIS WAS SWEET--! A good ten-dozen Staads wound up getting drawn into that scrap. It was so cool! For realsies... think of the coolest "bar fight" sequence from your favorite Western or Lifetime Original Movie, marinate it overnight in pure testosterone, and multiply it by a trillion. That's what it was like. By the end of the donnybrook, everybody's noses and limbs are busted, and they're all laid out on the ground in an orderly pile, like in that scene from "Gone with the Wind."

And then my weird, body-waxing cousin Olyvyr shows up (late again!) and starts dancing.

Featuring Angelina Jolie as the Abomination

Oh, and the other guy is the Chilean super-hero, "Capitan Jupiter." But who cares? I just can't stop looking at that monster's mouth! For some reason.

Capitan Jupiter is actually some dude named "Rex Vane." Which doesn't sound terribly Chilean to me. In fact, I'm pretty sure I've dated a Rex Vane. If it's the guy I'm thinking of, he told me he was a fashion model, but it turned out he was really an exotic dancer. I had to have a long talk with him, which ended with me asking him to move in with me. The whole thing ended in tragedy (after, like, four days) and I still can't look at a pair of leather chaps without getting all teary-eyed. Not that I've ever actually cried. I haven't! SHUT UP! *pounds on table for emphasis* But if "Rex Vane" doesn't sound like the name of a Chilean native, that's okay; he actually lives on Easter Island! ...Well, that's where his "secret headquarters" is located, anyhow.

Capitan Jupiter's origin is along the same lines as Green Lantern and Insect Queen, where space aliens dish out a powerful device to some dumb shmoe. In el Capitan's case, he was abducted by natives of Jupiter. After a thorough probing (I assume), they gave him a super-power belt, with six buttons on it:

1. Invisibility
2. Super-hearing
3. Professional-strength force-field. Saunter through a nuclear reactor with no noticeable side-effects!
4. Laser-beam eyeballs
5. Flight, up to light-speed, and he doesn't even get crushed down into a singularity or whatever the hell normally happens to something going that fast. Cool, huh?
6. Invulnerability to hostile environments, like outer space, the bottom of the sea, or a used-car lot

Okay, I'm going to be brutally frank, here: I REALLY WANT A BELT LIKE THAT. Storm Boy! Make me a belt like that! I need it by -- oh, let's say "Friday."

...Balls. He's not even looking up from his desk! Maybe he didn't hear me. HEY! STORM BOY! I said, make me -- aw, hells naw.

The husky li'l queen just flipped me the double space-bird! I'm going to have to cut this post short, now, to allow myself more time to slap the snot out of him.

See y'all tomorrow! *balls up fists and stomps away*

The Incredible Journal

*dashes into bedroom, giggling excitedly; then hops on fur-strewn granite slab (my bed) and lolls about with a big grin; then plucks from the floor a massive tome, bound in leather and edged in razor wire; flops on belly with legs kicking lazily; begins scribbling in blank pages of the book*

Dear Space-Diary,

You'll never believe this, but I've found a NEW (imaginary) boyfriend! Tee-hee! Deep booming laugh! His name is "Mihura" and he's from SPAIN. Look how sexy he is!

See? Ours is a true love that will last until the universe collapses in on itself, only he doesn't know I'm alive, but there's a PROBLEM, space-diary! Mihura lives in another dimension and ALSO a thousand years ago, which BITES. Pout! Brood! Oh, if ONLY I could steal borrow another time-bubble, like I did that ONE time, but my dumb JOB doesn't give me any time to get away! It's so STUPID! Maybe I can do it when I get my two weeks paid vacation this summer, but that's FOREVER from now! I want Mihura and his sexy sexy body RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND!

Mihura is JUST SO COOL! For ONE thing, he works at the CIRCUS! As a "strongman"! They call him "El Hombre Mas Fuerte Del Mundo", which means "the hardest man in the world"! Or so I'm told! I didn't think anybody could beat ME out for that title, but if Mihura did, I want a piece of THAT action! Giggle! Raspy chortle! I love Mihura's hair! Even the dumb Liefeld-esque braids! Maybe because the rest of his hair is so long, they don't stand out as much! I dunno! But mostly I love his beautiful beautiful bearded face and his big muscle-y body! He needs to stop waxing it, but I could take care of THAT. Mihura LOVES to drink V-8 vegetable juice from industrial-sized drums, and he even invented a special can-opener that he wears on his arm for just such occasions! He's like Sugyn minus the gut! (Not that there's anything wrong with that.) Also, Mihura farts the souls of the damned, which is like the ULTIMATE in bad-assery.

SOMEDAY, space-diary, Mihura and I will bask in the light of a beautiful sun. Preferably a red one, since that highlights my complexion to best effect. MARK MY WORDS. The only obstacle I can see are THESE losers he hangs out with:

Especially the nun. At that Amadan monastery my folks sent me to that one summer ("Our Brother of the Immaculately-Trimmed Mustache") the monks would thump you on the head with their canes if they caught you jerking off in the mens' room to Omnicom porn. But they sure as hell didn't wield FLAMING SWORDS. What the HELL? Also, what happened to her EYEBALLS? She's CREEPY.

I want Mihura HERE in my BED RIGHT NOW. I WANT HIM! And he's so far away! It makes me want to cry punch something!

That's all for NOW, space-diary! I'm going to Tusker's now to play video games. He has Ocarina Hero 2, which sounds KICK-ASS! THEN we'll eat some cheesecake and do each other's hair!

BLOCKADE BOY OUT!

Wheatcake Headache

Hurts like a punch in the nads, don't it? Next time, go easy on the syrup.

I'm thinking of a number... one box-office hit that got ripped off by some jerkwad in the Phillipines, in 2004. And that rip-off was called "Gagamboy", which translates into "Spider-Boy." You connect the dots. According to my sources, Gagamboy "can exude an orange goo which he can transform into any form he chooses." Just like a spider can! If I were him, I'd mainly create Cheetos. But not circus peanuts. Because that would be evil.

He's kind of a dink, isn't he? Still, I have to admit that the costume doesn't look half-bad! In fact, I like Gagamboy's cowl a lot better than Spider-Man's. It has a nice Flash Gordon/Prince of Space feel to it. And the overall color scheme is nice. Check out that detail on the spandex! I wonder if they screen-printed it, like with the Spider-Man movie costume? Hmm. Let's get a better look at it!

BWAH! Fishnet? What's his mission? Going undercover on the set of the Duran Duran "Wild Boys" video? Feh. I take it all back. Screw you, "Gagamboy"! You're dead to me now.

Y'know, I think Storm Boy had a shirt like that. I say "had" because I made him throw it out.

...Okay, so I was the one who threw it out. And I would have gotten away with it, too, if he hadn't returned home earlier than I'd expected. I don't know what he was so angry about. After all, his new outfit* is quite the hit at the office and at a certain gay moopsball league he joined, and now he's getting dates out the ass! Er, so to speak. And that outfit was all me, baby! I even changed up his hairstyle! Why can't he see that it's just best if I design all his clothes for him...? If I design everybody's clothes for everybody? WHY IS THAT SO HARD FOR PEOPLE TO UNDERSTAND? *rubs beard in consternation*

*Which I swear you'll get to see very soon. Also, his date with Darzil Hek is this next weekend. So let's all wish him luck! I'm also working on a costume redesign for Zagor, and I promise to show you that "Tom of Finland"-type picture of me(only it'll be "safe for work") that Gustavo suggested, sometime this month.

Art Transplant

Guess who got his computer illustration program back up and running again?

(Hint: it's me!)

That means more slick-looking computer illustrations, and less -- if any -- watercolor-and-ink jobs. My first order of business was to draw myself, natch. I'm working on something for Dr. Tectonic, next, as well as that picture of Storm Boy in his twink-tastic new costume that I designed for him. My scanning software is still jacked-up for the time being: I can still crop to any shape I desire, but it will only let me scale to pre-set photo sizes. That's because it's a pared-down version of my original software, which is not available for the latest version of my computer's operating system ("Omnicom Vidi", as opposed to the older model, "Omnicom Expo"). WHAT'S THE POINT OF UPGRADING MY O.S. IF IT FORCES ME TO USE CRAPPIER SOFTWARE?! GAH!

*sexfully broods for about ten minutes, while occasionally emitting bestial grunts and growls*

...Where was I? Oh yeah. So my point is, I'm not sure how that's going to affect my coverage of that Batman vs. Tub story, but maybe I'll figure out something. Or not. To be honest, I was kind of getting sick of it. Maybe you guys were too. I dunno. I'll probably finish it later. But don't hold your breath. Fair enough? Sweet.