In a Single Binding

Spawn called; he wants his cape back.

...And yes, all you "Superman scholars" (bless your Cheeto-clogged hearts!), I know that it was "canon" for Kal-El's cape to possess elastic properties. For example, he used to muffle explosions with it. But this nonsense belongs in the "trap villains under a rapidly-expanding S-shield" category of inane powers that briefly materialize because the writer is bored and/or high.

Also, you'll note that although the Legion Rejects are all being crushed to death, they're drawn by a young Mike Grell, so their legs are still in that wide-open stance favored by baseball pitchers and the cast of "The Hills."

That's Not What Guys Mean By "Bros Before Hos", Superboy

Mon-El first grew suspicious when he awoke to find a greasy, S-curled pube in his mouth.

Invalid Response

Curse that Blockade Boy Revenge Squad! A space-pox on them, I say! Pernicious fuckwads--!

They broke into my bachelor pod Sunday morning, while I was passed out drunk at church! I returned to find the place ransacked, and Cootie gnawing on the severed foot of one of the perpetrators. (Before I could take the lonely appendage to the crime lab, Cootie had swallowed the entire thing. Dang it.) At first, I just thought the Revenge Squad had stolen a few items, like my kangobronc trench, and my fifty-liter drum of Bubble Helmet Cologne For Especially Manly Men. But that night, when I went through my regular "handsomifying" routine (in front of a picture window, natch) I received a horrific shock! No sooner had I slathered my fur-bearing form in moisturizing creme, then all my body hair fell out onto the floor, with a tinkling sound one usually associates with the sickly tree from "A Charlie Brown Christmas." The Revenge Squad had replaced my lotion with a depilatory! I immediately collapsed to the floor, deathly ill, and weak as a kitten. I swear I saw a flashbulb go off in the distance. I've been laid up on my stone slab of a bed since then, while my pelt grows back, even thicker and more alluring than ever before. Klup and Ox have been most comforting, and the gang back at the detective agency sent me a basket of imported space-wines and soylent sausages. It was a real sweet gesture.

I'm sorry I haven't been able to blog in the last three days, and blogging might be spotty for the next week, but I should be back up on my furry feet real soon.

Stay hairy, guys!

Gender Reassignment Challenge: Gravity Girl to Gravity Guy

(Sorry about the delay... my internet was on the fritz from Monday evening to about forty-five minutes ago.)

From the article “Am Me Ever Peculiar!” in the mini-magazine “Funny Book Purgatory!” by cartoonist Nedra Scott on Earth B-1234)

The Supergirl of Miniberg!
Exploit Comics # 285 / NPP / June 1961 / a: CURT SWAN / s: LEO DORFMAN
Lanford Lang (who in reality is Gravity Guy) foils yet another attempt by Kendra Clark to reveal his secret identity. Kendra’s convoluted scheme – involving the town square’s “painted waters” (intensely dyed and probably toxic) fountain, a trained pigeon and a pinhole camera – meets swift retaliation, as Lanford uses his “magno-wind” powers to knock her flat on her ass in front of (apparently) Miniberg’s entire population. Kendra is humiliated (“My shirt is torn! Why, everyone can see my midriff!”) and dashes home to change clothes. She finds herself running faster and faster until she flies up into the air! She reports this event to her parents, who respond with not one, but two life-changing revelations:
1. She’s adopted.
2. She’s most likely from outer space.
Gobsmacked Kendra is informed that her mom and dad discovered her as a baby in the wreckage of a rocketship but since she resembles a human being they love her anyway. The Clarks surmise that puberty has activated “some alien organ”, allowing her to fly. Kendra declares in the very next panel that she will embark upon a career as a crimefighter, a decision which her parents support whole-heartedly. Ma Clark sews for her an ugly blue suit with red granny panties on the outside, (what might be history’s very first) go-go boots and a cape. Kendra adds a papier-mache “princess” mask to the ensemble by way of protecting her identity, modestly dubs herself “Supergirl” and flits through an open window, into her first adventure! Uh-oh! There’s a robbery in progress! Kendra discovers she has quite a large (and random) collection of superpowers. She uses “super hearing” to eavesdrop on a police scanner, “x-ray vision” to find thieves who tunneled into a bank vault, “heat vision” to melt through the door, “invulnerability” to make the robbers’ bullets bounce off her chest, “super strength” to clobber them senseless, “super breath” to blow them through the air to the police station and “super-ventriloquism” (you heard me) to make it seem like they’re confessing. Gravity Guy finds out! He’s perfectly livid. (“This ‘Supergirl’ sounds like a real wildcard! Will she use her tremendous powers for good? Or evil?”) Supergirl lends Gravity Guy a hand in tackling numerous bad guys and disasters. He ever-so-grudgingly accepts her help, all the while searching for her weakness.(“Crimefighting is a dangerous business for a girl! Even a Supergirl! If she’s not careful, she could be hurt!”) Soon enough, Supergirl starts screwing up, falling from the sky over a rock quarry and dropping a priceless emerald because it feels “hot.” Gravity Guy finds chunks of a similar green mineral in the rock quarry and deposits them in a chest, which he tricks Supergirl into opening. She yelps in pain! Immediately she passes out and starts to glow a sickly green. Gravity Guy removes her mask. Looking even smugger than usual, he flies her unconscious body to the Clark home. With zero prompting on Gravity Guy’s part, the Clarks tell him everything they know. Gravity Guy calls for his “friend” Professor Lang. The professor relates his latest discovery: the supposed emerald and the other green rocks that injured Supergirl were in fact meteorites which have a “poisonous effect” on whatever the heck species Kendra belongs to. Gravity guy gives the Clark family a good stern lecture. (“Suppose a criminal found one of these rocks and used it on Supergirl while she was saving someone! More than one life could be lost!”) Professor Lang has another surprising discovery! It’s another meteorite, only gold, and he theorizes it could remove Supergirl’s powers without (otherwise) harming her. Ma and Pa Clark give the Professor the go-ahead. (Kendra is still knocked out.) It works! Gravity Guy uses his powers of “Magno-Amnesia” (magnesia?) to re-order the blood flow in Kendra’s brain. It gives her “a tiny stroke” and wipes out her memory of the last few days. Kendra wakes up! She wants to know why she’s wearing that strange costume! Everybody laughs.

(With apologies to the great Scott Saavedra, whose writing style I kind-of, sort-of, tried to mimic there, after a fashion and in a way. It was tough, too. For one thing, I swear way more than he does.)

In a gender-reversed universe, “Gravity Guy” would be just as much of a tool as Superboy. He’d also be the big fish in his little town – the original hero – and so he wouldn’t wear a mask. “Lanford Lang” would be a bespectacled coward with bad posture and the dull-witted population of “Miniberg” wouldn’t think to draw a connection between the two 5’9, red-haired and freckled sixteen-year-olds. (Also, the mask was already ultra-masculine and it was homely as hell.) I didn’t have to do much to Gravity Girl’s costume to make it suitable for a Silver Age boy hero. The skirt is now trunks, and they’re admittedly a tad longer than Robin’s, if only because I personally loathe the combination of bare thighs and covered arms on male heroes. Still, I think I made the trunks short enough to be plausible for that time period. I don’t know what the hell that black thing on Gravity Girl’s chest was supposed to be and I don’t care to know, so I altered it into a more attractive symbol. I’m still not sure what it stands for – an atom? Some kind of road sign? The overhead view of a 19th Century Utopian community? – but it certainly looks nicer. I framed the symbol in thick black lines to make it clear that the top is a one-piece and not that effed-up “twin set” or whatever the hell Lana was wearing. And to balance the top, I added black trim to the trunks, cape, gloves, and boots. I changed the red on the belt to green; I figured as the star of his own comic, Gravity Guy wouldn’t be wearing a superpower-bestowing accessory that called attention to itself.

You Can't Fly!

And so the saga of Gravity Girl draws to its inevitable (for 1961) conclusion. Superboy, would you care to sing us the story's moral to the tune of "You Can Fly" from "Peter Pan"? Thank you.

Think of the burn on your arm
And of boulders doing harm
Think of splinters, think of pain
Worst of all, your stupid brain
If you only were a guy--!

You can’t fly! You can’t fly!
You can’t fly! You can’t fly!

Soon you’ll walk all around the town,
Keep your feet upon the ground
But a bicycle is no fuss
Or if riding trolleys make you cuss
Take the municipal bus

You can’t fly! You can’t fly!
You can’t fly! You can’t fly!

Fly with a belt on your waist
Crash and turn your ass to paste
Don’t take the job of a man
You can’t do what the fellas can
Now go make me a pie

You can’t fly! You can’t fly!
You can’t fly! You can’t fly!

At Last, None of It Comes Together

The belt can't repel wood? Like, for instance, a whole big pile of it? And she was able to snap the rope that tethered the balloon (with super strength!) because why, precisely? Listen, I'm not trying to be a jerk about this (although it does come naturally to me) but would it have killed them to at least honor the continuity within their own story?

Also, the belt is a rare artifact from a now-extinct and possibly extraterrestrial civilization but Professor Lang the archaeologist (who discovered the damn thing) thinks it should be destroyed. He's probably gonna head back down there right now and blow up the giant chia pet, Taliban-style!

Be Healed!

Is he going to rub the table back together, too?

From the Archives of the "Skartaris Times-Tribune":

THERA MOURNS LOSS OF HIGH PRIEST
As the week-long funeral ceremony of popular Theran High Priest Seraphos comes to an end, the citizens of that city-state are still baffled as to the cause of his death. The cleric was found dead in his office on May 3rd in what local guardsmen are terming a homicide. In a statement given to scribes yesterday, Chief Guardsman Brutalos said that his department had no leads in the case as of yet, and that the crime scene showed no signs of forced entry, save for a small hole in the ceiling, a second one in the floor, and a third running the length of Seraphos' body. With no official answer, conspiracy theorists are actively circulating their scrolls, including one that claims Seraphos was felled by a "magic missile sent down by a capricious boy-god and an orange-haired gorgon in a metal mask."

In his all-too-brief career, Seraphos dedicated himself to ridding Thera of the strife and poverty that had plagued it for centuries. He brokered peace treaties among warring local tribes, raised funds for schools and hospitals, ended the local custom that allowed any victim of a bad break-up to punch his or her ex-lover in the face up to three times without reprisal, and freed all ponies from servitude. He was especially hailed for his "Puppies for Orphans" program, in which suitably adorable orphans are given equally lovable dogs. The orphans may then use the canines for companionship, transportation, racing, gladiatorial combat, or food.

Theran law dictates that Seraphos be succeeded by Thera's Archdeacon Deimos, who made his first public address this morning. (See related story in crumbling yellow parchment scroll 6F, "Theran High Priest Promises 'New Skartaran Order.'")

Now We Play the Weighing Game

Aaaannd in the final panel, Satan's unholy legions emerge from the steaming pit, bringing about the Apocalypse. The End!

*heavy sigh* If only!

Here's where the story starts to fall completely apart. (And believe me, this yarn's gonna wind up making less sense than a David Lynch film.) In this panel Superboy tells Lana "I figured you wouldn't realize that although the metal ball had been super-compressed, it would still weigh two tons!" And yet Lana had said as much, out loud and right in front of his smug face, two panels earlier:

Superboy (the comic book)... what the hell? Explain yourself, mister! No, don't bother. I can see what's going on here! It's gotta be one of two possibilities.
A. Our Hero was preoccupied with his internal gloating and couldn't pay attention to Lana (quite likely), or...
B. The offices of 1961 DC Comics were practically swarming with dope fiends who were too krunked-out on the chronic (as you young people say) to remember their own names, much less recall what had transpired on the same page of the comic book they were producing. (Those same people are currently in charge of continuity at Marvel.)

The way this story will nosedive into sheer incomprehensibility, I'm leaning towards "B."

Next: things fall apart; the centre cannot hold.

Compressed Dare

Lana--! Don't tell him how you're going to-- and you're admitting that you're going to your own house?! (What, you can't think of anyplace else in Smallville that might have a freakin' microscope, of all things?!

(I guess you were right... you are as smart as Superboy!)

Actually, Professor Lang's house just might be the only structure in town with a microscope. Shortly after the broadcast of a documentary about those little creatures that live in people's eyelashes, Smallville's current town council and school board have both outlawed the devices, claiming they are "abominations" and "the devil's work." Why, just the other day they held a big rally and burned Anton van Leeuwenhoek in effigy. In really tiny effigy.

Challenge of the Superdick!

She's onto you! Quickly, into the escape pod!

Also, not enough super-heroes call one another "silly." It doesn't have to be an affectionate "silly" either. The Hulk once called Wolverine "silly" and it caused the latter to pee himself (just a little bit).

He Could At Least Say "Excuse Me"

Yeah, Superboy often lets one during his "feats of strength." And they typically smell of sauerkraut.

Maybe You Should Put a Tap on Her Phone

Well, this is a pleasant turn of events! Superboy is going to use his friendly and sympathetic personality along with the respect he's garnered as a longtime crimefighter to approach Gravity Girl in an open and honest manner and persuade her she--

Oh.

He's going to use deceit. Of course. What the hell was I thinking?

And the trickery begins when, Superboy? Because you just stated exactly how you feel about her. Only it's out loud, for once. Truth = Falsehood! How Orwellian!

Yes, Clarkie Dearest

Hey, I once spent an entire weekend playing "Kaboom!" Let me have a crack at those things!

Remember that scene from the "Take Your Daughter to Work Day" episode of the Office, where Toby's preschool-age daughter Sasha asks the Party Planning Committee if she can help them, and Angela says, "No thanks. We'd have to explain everything; it's probably just easier if we do it ourselves." Yeah. Superboy is like Angela. He could have somebody helping him take care of the non-stop crime and natural disasters that seem to plague Smallville on a daily basis and maybe he'd then have more time to relax or develop a social life but NO. Because he has this sick need for everything be freaking perfect he drives everybody away. No wonder he winds up living alone in an arctic wasteland.

What? Me?! Oh, hells no. I'm not nearly as uptight and demanding as Superboy. Why, I have lots of friends nearby right now! ...All of whom I, er, happen to, uh... pay.

Aw, shut up.

(Side note: Weight Wizard once gave me a "glancing blow." So I yanked on his hair and demanded that he try again and put some freaking effort into it.)

Gravity Girl Vulnerability Checklist:
1. Wood (like the Golden Age Green Lantern and most other super-heroes)
2. Fire (like the Martian Manhunter and most other super-heroes)
3. Rock (again, just like every superhero who doesn't possess some level of decreased vulnerability, such as a tough hide or a forcefield -- which is to say, most superheroes)

By the way, Storm Boy isn't happy with some of your responses to his new costume, so now he wants to post a rebuttal. So you might want to brace yourselves for that.

Do Not Attempt to Adjust Your Computer Screen

My scan is perfectly fine. The problem is that you forgot to take off your 3-D glasses after reading "Action Comics" #851.

Yeah. That's the problem. *flop sweats*

Anyway... as you see here, the speed of Lana's stimulus-response mechanism is on par with Frankenstein's.

Gravity Girl Vulnerability Checklist:
1. Wood (just like the Golden Age Green Lantern)
2. Fire (just like the Martian Manhunter! And Batman, and Green Arrow, and most of the Legion of Superheroes, etc.)

Baby Steps

It would sound more like an idle comment if he wasn't looking directly at her ass, wouldn't it? Superboy has that goody-two-shoes reputation to uphold, but every so often his true bitchiness seeps out. The thing to remember about Superboy is that on any given moment, he's this close to sounding exactly like a catty Southern debutante.

Not that Lana comes off much better here. Her big and utterly myopic plan is to move people from one part of the Rolling Inferno to another section of the same coaster. Which in a Chuck Jones cartoon would cause them to roll back into the flames. How's about just getting them completely off of the roller coaster, Lana? No? That would be too emotionally jarring for them? They need to "decompress"? Huh.

(Future headline in the Smallville Gazette: "Gravity Girl Unwilling to Set Deadline For Pullout of Passengers From Burning Roller Coaster.")

Bonus Post: The Fortress of Mirth

And now, for no good goddamn reason at all, an expansion on a scene from the Gravity Girl story, written in the style of Edith Wharton:

As Kent stepped out of the basket he saw Chief Parker, tall and re-splendent, leading the troubled Hank Handley away in hand-cuffs; and heard Handley say, as he beamed on the law-man with his large painted smile: "But I've often reflected that on another world you should be a criminal yourself, or some manner of ape, or even a woman--." Behind them, waiting his turn to inspect the now-earthbound balloon, Kent noticed Willaby Fenton, the youthful voyeur whom he had once discovered behind a crape myrtle at Professor Phineas Potter's. As Mrs. Lang remarked: Fenton carried between his freckled temples and under his rude shock of chestnut-brown hair, a register of most of the scandals and mysteries that had smouldered under the unruffled surface of Smallville Society within the last eleven years. When he chose to, he could wield this knowledge with a surgeon's skill, excising whom-ever he wished from Smallville's good graces. The wonder was that he chose so seldom.

Kent felt a touch on his arm and saw Miss Lana Lang looking side-ways at him from the pure eminence of yellow cotton and a black velvet hair-ribbon. "It was good of you, dear Clark, to take my place in the basket while I attended to my books. I told Gravity Girl she must really come to your rescue."

He was aware of smiling at her vaguely, and she added, as if condescending to his natural chauvinism: "I've never seen you looking manlier. Pete Ross thinks you the handsomest boy in the town."

He was silent, and they walked on a few yards without exchanging a word. Finally he said: "I shan't begrudge Gravity Girl my admiration for her promptness -- and yet I confess I had rather hoped to see Superboy in her place; one can always be assured that Superboy will set matters a-right, while Gravity Girl's efficacy remains yet to be proven. Indeed, I shudder to think what weaknesses she might conceal -- and I daresay it's a mistake for Gravity Girl to be flitting over the town square in her abbreviated skirt, at the crowded hour."

Miss Lang's face looked pale and apprehensive, and Kent feared her rejoinder might disagree with his own fine opinion. But she said nothing.

They passed the rest of their stroll without further conversation.

The Vanishing

Nobody cares, you two! Although I'm sure if this took place in your selfish era, Lana would be the first Smallvillian with a Twitter account. (SnoopSistah Excused self to get a drink of water. less than 10 seconds ago from mobile web)

And if this was a Cary Bates story? Superboy would somehow construct a giant hemorrhoidal pad. Maybe using a bunch of cotton t-shirts and a tanker truck of witch hazel.

I'm just sayin'.

One charming aspect of this story is in the rare moments in which Superboy and Gravity Girl are depicted as equals, doing the same thing at the same time. Besides this panel, there's also the splash page, which depicts both Clark and Lana "disrobing for action" (stop snickering) on either side of a brick wall... much like the classic "Flash of Two Worlds" story which appeared the same year. But the ultimate point of this story is that Gravity Girl is far inferior to Superboy and should just stay at home and make him a goddamn cheeseburger (or sumpin' like that). So these nicer moments are pretty rare.

Beware of Log

And thus begins the slow, painful end of Lana's superhero career. You're right, Superboy, she'd better be careful! If word of this gets out, criminals might start hoarding Lincoln Logs to chuck at her. Or worse yet, her arch-enemy could end up being the Floronic Man!

Gravity Girl Vulnerability Checklist:
1. Wood. Just like the Golden Age Green Lantern!

Thanks, But I'd Rather Plummet To My Doom

But nobody knows that you're Superboy, Clark! And don't you want people to think Clark Kent is a pathetic screw-up anyway? I think you can handle a pretend social emasculation.

What really impresses me here is how Lana can tow the balloon downwards from one side without causing the basket to tip over and dump Clark out on his ass. (Tactile telekinesis? You decide!) And from the begrudging tone of his thank-you, I bet she really wants to.