Joyeaux Nipple

As you know, I've been wearing the same old-timey Western outfit for several weeks and it finally occurred to me that I was being a bit ridiculous. So now I've decided to wear this Santa costume twenty-four hours a day!

Ho, ho, homoerotic! Who could have guessed that "Santa's beard" would turn out to be Mrs. Claus? Oh, I sleigh me! ...Sorry. I'll stop now.

I started with the silhouette -- I knew I wanted a reindeer head embossed in leather over my unjelly-like belly and I knew I wanted the top half of my torso to be exposed and to be framed by the white fur trim on the jacket. At first this design involved a big wrestling belt. But I've worn one of those before, so I modified it into a leather corset/unitard deal. I paired it up with tall pirate boots to help focus the eye on the reindeer symbol. The boots have a stylized Christmas tree with branches that mimic the reindeer's horns. I toyed with several different lengths on the jacket, but I settled on mid-length because, again, it wouldn't distract too much from the reindeer head. (I thought about matador-length, but dismissed it as too cutesy.) Instead of my usual goggles, I went with a domino mask. It doesn't obscure my gorgeous green eyes and it doesn't get in the way of the Santa hat. The gloves are flared in a 17th century Russian style.

And to finish the look, I "fell off the wagon" and changed my hair color. All my hair is bleached out to pure white now. You heard me. All of it. I had to get Jeremy to help me with some of the hard-to-reach areas. The poor lad passed out at one point -- presumably overcome by my raw sexuality, although I wouldn't rule out the bleach fumes or my gassiness from all that turkey I'd consumed... I sounded like a Phillip Glass score, played on a tuba.

Oh, and FYI I won't be posting again until Tuesday. Jeremy is visiting his folks in Arkansas this weekend and like usual I'm banned from using his computer while he's away. That's okay. I think I'll hop in my time bubble and go mess with Clement Moore's head.

Have a great weekend, everybody!

How To Duplicate Iron Man's Armor Without Really Trying

In "Iron Man" #1, a standard-issue mad scientist named Mordius (as opposed to Biff, Ernie, or Jo-Jo) manufactures some knock-offs of Iron Man's armor.

Ever go shopping for, say, a DVD player and wind up going with the Goldstar instead of the Sony because it's cheaper?

Yeah, this was kind of like that.

Other problems with the Mordius versions?

1. Sound effect made by the repulsor rays: "ZACHBRAAF!"
2. In some models, repulsor rays replaced by more economical but less helpful "delouser rays."
3. They're padded with comfy asbestos.
4. The shoulder joints utilize the finest in Snaptite technology.
5. No roller skates, but a unicycle pops out of the codpiece.
6. The helmets distort the wearer's voice so he sounds just like Paul Lynde.
7. Due to a flaw in the electromagnetic shielding, long-term use can cause brain damage. The symptoms: addictive behavior, priapism, and suddenly turning into a complete asshole for no good reason.
8. When you walk around, the segmented underwear makes a really loud "zhizzhh zhizzhh zhizzhh" noise, like corduroy pants do.
9. When disassembled, they somehow manage to take up even more space than before. They can't be stored in anything smaller than a steamer trunk.
10. If you have to pee, forget about it.
11. Can't recharge using American outlets unless you get the special voltage converter (sold separately).
12. One of the helmets stinks like rotten eggs. Probably because Mordius put an egg salad sandwich in there this one time and he forgot about it for like a week, man.
13. The boots all have a sort of low-rise heel and pointy toes that make them look a bit girly in my opinion.
14. Never feed them after midnight, and never get them wet.

On a personal note... since I'm from a far-flung era where all mankind lives in harmonious cooperation I don't celebrate this "Thanksgiving" everybody keeps talking about. So instead I'll be enjoying an intimate turkey supper at Clive Barker's house!

Legion Of Substitute Costumes: Animal Lad

Animal Lad was rejected for Legion membership right after Polecat (ouch) and even worse, he was rejected by Dynamo-Boy. You remember Dynamo-Boy, don't you? He's the kid who used a piece of technology to simulate superpowers. Which is against Legion regulations. Not that they bothered to check. Funny, they're usually so thorough about that sort of thing. And Dynamo-Boy didn't tell them, either. Why would he? He was evil! As a "mole" for the Space Pirate Pack he contrived to kick all the other members out of the Legion and start afresh with a 100% criminal roster. Eventually things got sorted out, but not before the Legion of Super-Villains (don't ask) stuck their nose into things. They banished Dynamo-Boy to the (even more) distant future, when Earth was uninhabited and the Sun was dying. Hardcore! So it was in the middle of all this hullaballoo that Animal Lad tried out for the Legion. It was horrible timing. And a real shame, too. Check out his powers!

You know, I also have the ability to transform a man into a Bear but it involves a lot more leather, free weights, and fatty foods. *ahem* Er, anyway, let's get to the reason why Animal Lad didn't make the cut.

Because he's too good! *swoon* Aww, the poor fella! I want to do something nice for him. Like redesign his costume. 'Cause the shit he has on now? Coveralls with a Dave Cockrum belt? Not doin' it for me.

But this is! It's workin' for me like an illegal Durlan. On Sunday, baby!

My concept? Animal Lad's powers straddle the line between man and beast. My design follows suit by contrasting the modernity of a figure-hugging spacesuit with barbaric fur elements. I think blue is a fine color for blondes so I kept it. I added a wolfish gray for the fur pieces. The clasp on the cape is a stylized "A" which intentionally harkens back to Aquaman's belt buckle. And the hard-edged "Lorna Dane" headpiece is softened by his bushy goatee and his tousled shock of hair.

Footnote: Yes, I realize that the loincloth violates my "no overpants" rule. I made an exception because -- unlike every other example out there -- it strengthens an underlying concept instead of just being superfluous. Okay, enough blather. I hope you all like it!

Legion Of Substitute Costumes: Fire Lad

As rejected Legion applicants go, Fire Lad actually has some decent powers, and they make for a neat visual; he breathes fire. The Legion turned him down because his power was "too dangerous and might cause accidental holocausts." I think that was just a nice way of telling him his costume sucked.

Designed by the Archduke of Squares, John Forte, Firelad's duds hit the viewer over the head with a "FIRE!!!" theme, including a fireball belt buckle that looks more like a pretty yellow carnation. My suggestion: dial that shit back a notch. Or two!

I've balanced out all that yellow, orange, and red with an equal amount of cool white. And I designed a nice, graphic torch symbol for him. I also like the contrast of the head-wrapping cowl and the punky haircut. It's an edgy look to go with his carnival sideshow powers.

Dumb Kind Of Monster

Last Thursday's "supersized" episode of "The Office" finally brought the Stamford staff into the Scranton office. For me, the happiest surprise of the night was the blossoming of Ed Helms' Andy Bernard into one of the best characters on the show. At Stamford, Andy was mainly a pathetic annoyance, with alternating bouts of a capella singing and temper tantrums. ("The game is over... I'm going to kill you for real," he tells Jim, after Jim's woeful performance in a "team-building" office video game.) His manager Josh seemed to ignore Andy's attempts to score brownie points. At Scranton, however, Andy immediately ingratiates himself to the clueless Michael through "personality mirroring" and "name repetition." And his aggressive personality has put him at odds with heirarchy-conscious Dwight, who shares his refusal to be the first person to "break off a handshake." Thus, when the two meet and quickly run out of things to say to each other, they wind up just standing there, still vigorously shaking hands. In fact, the demented duo clashes continuously throughout the episode. Andy even charms Dwight's frosty secret squeeze Angela. Noting her love of cats and costumed babies, he wins her good will in one fell swoop by selecting as his new screensaver a photo of a kitten wearing a pink cowboy hat. I anticipate a battle royale between Andy and Dwight over the coming weeks. In fact, the handshake scene inspired me to draw a cartoon of the two combatants. Initially it was just going to be a simple caricature, but the singular shape of Ed Helms' cranium led me to recast the duo as those legendary foes, Frankenstein's monster and the Wolfman.

Hey, speaking of flattened noggins, today I watched Trent Green (who only a few months ago suffered a concussion that turned his skull into a Lotto tumbler) return as KC's starting quarterback in the Chiefs/Raiders game.

• KC gets a turnover in the first three minutes. Sweet! Even sweeter: Larry Johnson scores the first touchdown of the game. Which means, given Kansas City's luck, he'll be killed by a meteorite tomorrow.
• Oakland's secret weapon? Well, from the looks of him, they hired former Doobie Brother Michael McDonald as their defensive coordinator. God help us all if they get Patti LaBelle.
• In the stands: a Chiefs fan indulges his Furry tendencies with a wolf costume. And his wife told him he didn't have the balls to wear it in public...!
• Tony Gonzalez is on the sidelines due to his shoulder injury. But his brain is perfectly fine. Couldn't they have transplanted Gonzalez' brain into Green's body? That makes sense, right? C'mon, where's their team spirit?
• I know this is a commercial but I just have to get it off my chest... hey, Lipitor! "Inventor of the Jarvik artificial heart Dr. Robert Jarvik" my ass! That guy's obviously Clint Howard and you and I both know it.
• 2nd quarter: announcer Rich Gannon notes that Green can "ill-afford" another shot to the head so he's not going to hold onto the football for too long. Well, thank God Herm Edwards put him back in the game, huh? What, couldn't he find a quarterback with hemophilia or brittle bone disease?
• With 19 seconds left in the first half, the Raiders get their first touchdown and lead KC 12-7. And the Raiders are entirely too excited about it. Hey... group celebration! Group celebration! That deserves a penalty! I'm making a citizen's arrest! And of course they get the extra point after that. Of course.
• 3rd quarter: Gannon says that Green's forte is to "get back there in the pocket, spin his head around...!" Wait, I thought that was the problem.
• Midway through the third the Raiders' Gallery is injured, and for a while he lays on his stomach with his calves sticking straight up in the air, and he kicks them around in such an oddly casual way he looks like one of the teenage girls in the telephone number from "Bye Bye Birdie."
• 4th quarter: KC's Tynes has a chance to tie the game with a field goal. Doesn't happen. Goddamn it. Oakland doesn't score on their next possession but they take five minutes off the clock while not scoring, leaving KC less than five minutes in the game to even tie. To update an old Lithuanian proverb, the Raiders are stupid like a pig but clever like a serpent.
• Still, KC pulls it off, making the score 16-13 in their favor with 1:32 left in the game. And it's due in large part to Trent Green, who makes a lot of stunningly precise passes. Oh, and Larry Johnson helped too. Extra point? Sure, why not! So KC leads Oakland 17-13. It's a great day!
• ...Until a 40-yard reception places the Raiders at the 8-yard line with 32 seconds left in the game. Motherf--! Oh, we're screwed!
• But wait! KC's Page intercepts the ball in the endzone! Aw, HELL YEAH! I love this game!