Goodbye, Mister Teeny Eyeballs

Remember that alternate-universe Legion I glimpsed on my way back from the 21st Century? The one where everybody had taut, vaguely-English faces with tiny noses and tiny mouths and tiny eyeballs? Where everyone's hair was feathered (or else looked like Toni Tennille's) and nearly every female wore a belly shirt? Yeah, that one. It was horrific.

Well, a friend of mine from the Time Institute space-mailed me a snapshot of that Legion, and I have to say those poor shmoes seem to be pulling themselves together! For example, that Legion finally has an Invisible Kid whom I don't instinctively want to punch in the mouth (the better to wipe off that stoner smirk, y'see). My friend's letter quoted that Legion's new costume designer, one Mister Francis Manapul, as saying "I'm trying to simply rather than modernize. I think simplicity carries over and creates a timeless look." Amen, brother! Finally, that Legion has somebody working for them who shares my aesthetic. Not that it's a complete success, but still, it's a step in the right direction. Let's review...

• I'm pleased as punch my "off-the-shoulder" look for men is catching on, as Timberwolf is wearing... oh. Those are just orange patches on his shoulders which are blending with a crappy spray-on tan. My bad. It's still a pretty sweet costume. Love the bare toes! (Although I thought they'd be hairier.)
• No more belly shirt for Light Lass! It looks like a proper costume now! Huzzah! See what a difference it makes when you don't go for a trend... that expired eight years ago? Also, I love the longer hair on her. Very fetching.
• Alternate-universe versions of Triplicate Girl continue to be prudish frumps with Moe Howard haircuts, I see. And this one's cape still has that ridiculous cowl-neck... presumably so she can duck her head down into it like a turtle whenever the paparazzi show up. Ugh. Why is mine the only universe where Luornu is allowed to be sexy?
• Not sure why Shrinking Violet (or Atom Girl or whatever the frig they call her over there) needs hotpants. Whatever.
• Their version of Element Lad still looks like a complete tool.
• Is it just me, or does Colossal Boy (or Micro Lad or whatever) looks way better, proportionally, if you mentally erase the random-looking brown quilting on his arms, neck, and head? Also, who designed that thing? The Constrictor? He looks like he's part-armadillo now.
• Chameleon (Boy?) is dressed for Ye Olde Renaissance Faire and I have no idea why. It's not an unattractive costume; it's merely generic and blandly colored.
• Sun Boy's still in his "pants on fire" costume which does absolutely nothing for me. For someone with an allegedly "dynamic" personality he sure looks insipid and tacky.
• Brainy's tunic rawks. I heartily approve! Let's hope he doesn't still have those dumb Bedazzled cheeks anymore.
• Shadow Lass's costume? Still slutty. I don't care if you put a grandly proportioned cape on her. I've seen hookers with floor-length mink coats; it didn't stop them from looking like hookers.
• Star Boy and Karate Kid? Been there, done that. Big yawn.
• Ultra Boy's costume is an old reliable, but at least it's not boring. Not sure about the cut-outs on his forearms. Maybe his forearms need the freedom to expand in battle, like they get really huge, like Popeye's. Also, I'm sure he'll pass that kidney stone eventually.
• Interesting variant on the classic Lightning Lad costume. Simple, but it works. And I applaud the absence of white on this version. It's actually kind of refreshing. Assuming that's not a printing error. For example, the lightning crackling from his hand has been rendered totally invisible, and it's making Saturn Girl's thighs look all wrinkly. And with this much yellow, I wonder if the navy blue should have been replaced with black. Or maybe a deep red! That'd be cool.
• Saturn Girl's costume got a deep, gravelly, rollicking laugh out of me because although I like it, I couldn't help thinking that in a Grant Morrison/Frank Quitely universe all the white bits would be exposed skin.
• Princess Projectra is still in her Count Jugula get-up with the stupid collar on it. Feh.
• Phantom Girl... yikes. I'm sorry, but the sheer number and placement of those cut-outs are just sad (and desperate). Whenever a group of people is ignoring her -- which is often -- she whips out the scissors and cuts another chunk out of her leotard. She's fast approaching the point of "no return," where she'll just be walking around buck-naked clutching a few scraps of fabric to her bosom and ladycrotch.

Celebrity Dish From Lallorland!

Zap! Pow! Lights! Camera! Pow! Action! Zap! Are you getting sick of this yet? 'Cause I'm not! Pow! Zing! Zap! Roll 'em! Blam! Makeup! Whizzzzz! Fwick! Cut! Okay, I'm done. Television and Broadway star Charlie Brown has been cast as the title character in "Duplicate Boy," the latest project from the director of "Uzumaki" and countless Japanese music videos, Higuchinsky.

The film, written by "The Ring 2's" Ehren Kruger, features a little-known DC comic book character. Duplicate Boy, an alien superhero with the ability to mimic other superheroes' powers, first appeared in "Adventure Comics" #324 in 1964 and made occasional appearances in that and other comic books in the following decades.

At a press conference, Kruger told reporters, "I hope to have the same wonderful experience I enjoyed working on the "Ring" sequel, when the director barely spoke any English, and didn't try like that hack Gore Verbinsky did to mutilate my beautiful script into something that was enjoyable and coherent."

Through a translator, Higuchinsky added, "To be honest, I couldn't care less about the script. I just want to use a lot of slow meaningless dissolves and filters and quick jarring cuts and warped-out cartoony eyeballs plus I'll add a lot of jet sounds and elephant noises for no good reason."

A reputed Hollywood insider calling himself "Blockade Boy" opines that the casting of Charlie Brown in the role is "pure genius." Said Blockade Boy, "Duplicate Boy's Who's Who entry from September 1985 says, and I quote, 'He has no training in use of his powers, personal combat, or much of anything else.' You know you're pathetic when even the slimmest biographical profile is at a loss to name things you're good at. Listen, honey, I met the guy and I can tell you right now all the stories about him are true. He's just a good-looking lunkhead who skates by on a natural talent he never bothered to develop. He's like that guy who was a football hero in high school and ten years later he's a janitor. Not that Charlie Brown ever struck anybody as good-looking or heroic, but hey, he's still a lame-ass. Just like Duplicate Boy."

With this latest bit of news, the future looks uncertain for Guy Ritchie's planned Duplicate Boy film, which was to star "Loser" of "Whizzer & Chips" fame.

In a related story, Marcie is in negotiations to co-star as Duplicate Boy's love interest, Shrinking Violet.