E-Mail From a 30th Century Henchman

Dear Naa Mah,

Well it looks like Im going to miss spending Reverence Week with you and the boys this year due to me getting thrown in Takron-Galtos again so first off im really really sorry about that. Please be certin to tell Ham and Shem that daddy loves them and is away "on importent busness" or whatever excuse it is your giving them nowadays. Thank you I love you.

I should of knowen from the start that this latest job of mine was gonna go south on me as my employer in this case aint nobody big-time like a Starfinger or a Time Trapper or nothing but is instead some screwy kid who won a crapload of space-cheddah off an unauthorized "scratch and win" lottery or something. He calls hisself "the Mess" which is apprapoe because I dont think he never took a shower in his life I mean he could at least use some of that Atomic Ax Body Spray like the Perswader advertises on the holo-tube. Also he aint got no ambishun to be a crime lord he only wants to revenge hisself on the Mall of Lallor as it got depossitted onto the spot where he lived and he got trapped under there for a bunch of years living on the vast stores of snack pouches and soda drums he could scrounge outta the other trailer pods you know the ones where the inhabbatints already left or died or whatever and the radiashun from the ground soil didnt help none either so now hes all crazy in the skull and hairless to boot on top of already being kinda fat and pale and grubby plus hes addickted to home shopping and his "criminal headquarters" is cramped as all get out what with the nick nacks.

So anyway the Mess is really into these things they got on Lallor called "fallout globes" where its like a plasto-bubble filled with water and white plastic granyools and they got a minyatyoor reproduckshun of a famous Lallor monyumint in them and you shake the plasto-bubble and it looks like deadly radiashun is falling on the building just like it did after the Atomic Wars and still does sometimes if Im going to be perfecktly honest. And he picked up one of those globes on one of the rare ocayshuns he tunnels outta his den like a freaking maggot or some shit in order to buy more scratch-off tickets. Thats when he got the idea to sistermatickly shrink down the Mall of Lallor store by store by store and put it into globes only the globes are filled with this fancy-ass liquid they call "suspendum" on account it preserves stuff real good. Why he dont just shrink the whole mall down really really small and just get the damn thing over with all at once is beyond me or he could just put it in a bigger globe I dont know Im not an expirt. See the problum with doing it one store at a time is after a while the Mall catches on and then they hire ackshual SUPER HEROS to proteckt it. Like one time this crazy old homeless-looking fucker jumped on top of the get away car and then he changed hisself into a metal berrickade and I just narrowly got outta there with my life and then this other time this flying kid no bigger than my hand chases after us but Karel nailed him with a neurel granade. After that I wanted to shut down the whole operashun right then and there but the Mess wouldnt go for it and why would he I mean hes crazy but what threw me for a loop is how nither of the other guys would back me up! I think the problum was they aint been in the biz for near as long as I been and they still beleeved they were invinsibul well Ill tell you what when you been in the space-pokey as many times as I been you figyur out when to cut your losses. On the other hand you know this is the only work I can get and Im trying to put some money away for Shems and Hams collage fund and this "Mess" joker was only paying us the other half of our fees upon the jobs compleeshun so I felt like I had to stick it out a while longer.

So anyway it was Saturday nite and the Mess was bilding hisself a gingerbread pod only he was eating most of it so it was slow going and Karel was sitting in the corner all fucked up from too much oxygen and Drogann was watching like his ninth strate hour of that live streaming Omnicom program Whore Dorm and his eyes were kinda glazed over but who could tell really the way he shook and I was bored off my ass waiting around for something to happen so guess what happened then. No guess.

The front door fell in with a THUD and I saw this creepy broad (well she had a nice shape on her I must admit I mean I aint made outta stone) standing there and she spit the doors chewed-up hinges on the floor! And behind her was that homeless guy and he got the mini-kid on his sholder and behind them was this big walrus-man with dental tools which is co-insidently the reason why Im now missing both my front teeth so consider yourself warned I just wanted to prepare you before your next conjugal visit sorry thanks for understanding. And anyway praise the Luck Lords the Messes tunnels were so narrow cause all these super heros got jammed up at the door or else I woulda been done for right then and there.

The Mess shouted "Minyuns attack!!!" with gingerbread crumbs shooting out of his fat mouth and that term always pisses me off but hey he was paying the bills so I sucked it up like I always do. I fumbulled for my phaser-pistol and I got a few shots off but it didnt matter none as the homeless guy squeezed in front of the creepy gal and turned hisself into a steel wall. The teeny flying kid swooped down on me and snatched my weapon right outta my hand. Then the walrus-man pounced on Karel with his own phaser-pistol and Karel freaked out and whimpered "Dont phaser me bro!" and I saw the walrus-man hesitate which gave Karel enuff time to blast him with a spray of gas from the spare xenon gas tank that was sitting next to him and then the walrus-man kind of choked and staggered backward and losed his grip on the weapon. Drogann charged at the homeless guy who shots these force-field things at him from his wrists but they passed right thru Drogann who just kept barrelling forward and then he pinned the hero agenst the wall and his elbow was at his throat and I saw the homeless guy was starting to pass out but his big bushy beard ackted as a cushun between Droganns elbow and the homeless guys wind pipe so it was taking a real long time. And the hero was trying to grappel with Drogann but Drogranns non stop vibrashuns made him real slippery. Mean while I was fending off the lady and the kid. The curvy dame ran at me with her teeth nashing and her eyes just looking insane but I hit her with one of Karels blasting pogs and she went flying into the Messes collecters case of commemerativ sporks. The kid buzzed all around me like a winged wampus and he pummelled me with a teeny electro-mace but he made the mistake of getting too close so I grabbed him and plucked his fakey wings off and thru him on the floor and stamped on him also for good meashur. As for the Mess hisself well he was down on the floor with his wormy hands over his head crawling crawling crawling.

So it looked like were winning but that never lasts like it ought to if you ask me. The homeless guy kneed Drogann in his vibrating nads and while Drogann was reeling from that he headbutted him and punched him in the face a coupel times. Karel grabbed a blasting pog from his belt to finish off the walrus-man but the walrus-man blindly lashed out with his dental pliers and shattered Karels helmet and Karel freaked out for realsies this time saying "NO NO NO NO" only he was laughing the whole time and he got this big toothy smile and fell ass-backwards onto the floor stiff as a board. Too much oxygen. (I hear they got him in the hospitul ward now.) The homeless guy grabbed me by the coller and he smashed me and Drogann both into the table where the Mess was working on the gingerbread pod and our heads went CRACK just over and over and the creepy gal and the walrus-man got theyre electro-cuffs out to put us into custody and suddenly ZAP!

I dont think nobody knew what happened at first but as it turns out the Mess had set up the shrink ray and pointed it at us so everybody found themselves on the table top and really really small. I saw the Mess over by the ray and he was huge and really far away and he had this nutty smirk on his chubby hairless face. As for myself I was pissed off about the whole thing to tell you the truth but then the Mess aint never had to work the damn thing before so I guess he didnt know how to adjust the apperchur settings so maybe I need to show more understanding for my fellow man but on the other hand fuck that noise. So we started fighting all over again. Drogann and me ran into the gingerbread pod for sheltur and we lobbed gumdrops and salted nuts outta the windows at them but the homeless guy snagged a candy cane and used it like a battering ram to bust the door down. The creepy lady clobbered me with a lickerish whip and even tied my sorry ass up with it and the walrus-man laffed his goddamn ass off but then he got a look on his face I didnt like at all and then out came the dental tools. The homeless guy and Drogann went at it mainly wrestling I suppose and the homeless guy kept getting Drogann in this bear hug where Droganns ass was pressed smack dab agenst the homeless guys crotch and I swear it looked like the homeless guy was getting off on it you know what with all the vibrashun and such. After like the seventh time this happened Drogann panicked I guess and he vibrated hisself thru the table-top and thats the last I seen of him and I have this awful idea that maybe he over-did the vibrating and kept going right thru the floor into the ground and now hes stuck down there with the grubs and the fossils and he cant see or breeth none which means hes dead. Anyway right then we got hit with the reverse-setting on the shrink ray and with four full grown adults on the table it busted and we all ended up in a heap on the floor under slabs of mega-sized gingerbread and I wanted to make a brake for it only the now-gigantic lickerish whip was still sinched around me. And we looked around and we saw the dinky flying kid only now he was almost normal size and he was supporting his two smashed legs by leaning hisself on the shrink ray tripod and he looked nearly as pale as the Mess did and he was sweating like there was no tomorrow but he was grinning too.

And where was the Mess you ask well Ill tell you. The kid held up a empty jelly jar with the lid on and the Mess was inside cause the dinky kid shrunk him down! The kids smile went all wobbly and he started to faint but the homeless dude grabbed the dinky kid while the creepy gal snagged the jar.

Thanks to Lallors new "speed trials" I got convickted and sentenced in under thirty minutes of my arrival at the court house so they hustled my ass off-planet right away which is just fine by me as it is Solstice Season on Lallor and from what I hear the whole damn population goes apeshit with riots and mass-murders and line-dancing and such so Ill just kick back in my comfy cell if its all the same to you.

Your loving husband,
No Ah

P.S. Please come visit just as soon as you possibully can and dont forget to bring those soylent butter cookies those are always a treat thanks.

That One Time I Got Carjacked By Hulk Girl By Lenny Grist, Profeshunnal Henchman

So Im sitting here in my cell downing the last of my speshal eggnogg which I make myself out of rubbing alcahol and half-and-half and Im thinking "This is the worst Christmas yet I mean ever since Gladys up and left me for that crumb-bum lawyer of mine Larry Larkspur I been really down in the dumps and of course she dont send me no mackaroons no more which is insult on top of in jury." And then like a Christmas meericle who shood mateerialize in my cell but Blockade Boy hisself although I have to say he dont look too good on account of his hairs all white like he seen a ghost I guess it must a been quite a scare. But he says his readers been clammering for more of my stories and he gives me a pen and paper and so here goes.

This story is from the time I was on the lam after that time I was working as a teachers assistent for the Taskmaster and we were oporating out of a CIRCUS TENT if you can beleeve that shit and anyways the whole thing fell apart but I managed to aktuwally EXCAPE for once and Im just trying to lay low and mind my own bizness and keep my nose clean but I gotta keep moving of course and so finally I wind up in CALIFORNIA. And anyhows Im working in this burger joint and these two guys who are reguler custamers "Slim" and "Whiskers" they called themselves on account Slim is really skinny and Whiskers has whiskers we kind of strike up a friendship we seem to have a lot of the same interists like watching TV and drinking beer and ogling at ladies with big tits so its like we been best pals FOREVER oh and also they gave ME a nickname "Jeff" on account I kinda look like that actor guy Jeff Daniels appearantly. And its after my shift and they ask me if I want to have a little fun so of course I say "Yes" and I hop in theyre car and I guess they want to go to the dogtrack or something and I say I aint got no dough on account I work in a burger joint. And they look at eachother with this kind of knowing look and I probbly shood have gotten out of the car right then and there. But I dont and they stop at this gas station and we walk inside and Whiskers says "We can take care of your money troubels here" and I say "What are you high this aint no bank" and Whiskers says "The hell it aint!" and then he pulls out a gun. And I wish I cood say I was shocked but to be honest I been a crimminul for so long I just kinda shifted into ottopilot and I helped them rob the place. And as were making a break for it we pass this huge green lady in a ripped dress and I guess I shood of been more alarmed but hey it was CALIFORNIA.

And then Slim and Whiskers deside to totally FUCK ME UP THE ASS by taking off in the getaway car WITHOUT ME. So of course I have to take the next availabul veehicul which had the gas nozzul still stuck in it even but frankly I was in no mood to worry about particyoolers.

And Im thinking if I ever see those two slimeballs again Im going to clean theyre clocks BUT GOOD and so with revenge on my brain I of course am taken COMPLETELY BY SOOPRISE when the huge green lady leaps OVER THE CAR STOPS ME AND RIPS THE DOOR OPEN. And then I rembember where I seen her before which was on the news and they called her the Rampaging Hulk Girl I think and anyway I love me some hot curvasyhush ladies dont get me wrong but somehow when theyre seven foot tall and green and pissed off it stops being sexy and moves into the relm of TERRIFYING. And Im thinking shes just gonna pull my sorry ass outta the car and haul me off to the cops but NO.

She shoves me over into the passenjer seat and hops behind the wheel HERSELF and she takes off after Whiskers and Slim just like I was gonna do and I mean she FLOORS it. And I know it werent too manly of me but Im screaming my head off like a goddamn SISSYMARY but she dont pay no mind to me at ALL.

So were running stoplights and knocking over falaful venders and those guys with the maps of the stars homes and a anti-nucular power protestor or two and theres drag queens getting throwed to theyre asses left and right and I can hear SIRENS but Hulk Girl dont give two shits she just keeps driving. And its no sooprise to me that she catches up to Slim and Whiskers and then guess what. NO GUESS.

SHE LEAPS OUTTA THE GODDAMN CAR! And she was driving! And I get like a A-1 perfect view of her ass and she aint wearing no panties niether but hey Im a profeshunnal I still manage to grab the wheel and I slow down and get behind Slims and Whiskers car because I know some REAL BAD SHIT is about to go down.

So Hulk Girl climbs on top of the other car and shes stradduling it like shes gonna RAPE the damn thing and then she rips out the hole engine block! And Im thinking its a good thing I aint near the car no more cause that cood do me some real damage thats for goddamn sure and so of course...

...she throws it BEHIND her and now a engine block is bounsing down the assphalt right TWOARD ME and I know you aint gonna buy this for a minute but I swear as God is my witness the sound it made was "SKANK."

No kidding engine block. No kidding.

I Rembember That One Guy Stingaree By Manny Fodder, Profeshunal Henchman

Well whaddaya know Im a colunmist now! Blockayde Boy sez my letters to my dear Glynda gone over so well in the future in another dimenshun that folks over there are clammering for more and as I been thinking about riting my ottobiography anyhow I figgered why not and also when your locked up in the joint like I offen am and a guy whose way bigger and hairier than you are suddenly mateerialyzes in your cell and asks you to do something it dont matter what it is you just DO IT.

Well Blockayde Boy asked me if I ever henched for a mook name of "Stingaree"and it just so happens I did and then Blockayde Boy asked me if I wood rite down my impreshuns of working for him so here goes.

Its 1967 and me and Glynda are going thru a rough patch on account of me not being abel to spend time with Manny Jr. like a dad should on account of me spending about twennyfive percent of the year henching and the other sixtyfive percent in the slammer and as a result we got money troubels like you wouldnt beleive lemme tell you. So when I get out of prison that year I make up my mind to do rite by my wife and my kid and that means I gotta find me a SAFER hench job someplace there aint no superheroes like overseas maybe and also it oughta pay real good so I can set them outta that shack they been living in and set them up someplace more glammerus like Rockaway. So that means I gotta swallow my pride and ask that jerk Panama for a favor cause I know he got innernashunal coneckshuns up the wazoo. (Oh and I guess I should explain all us guys call him Panama cause he sure likes them hats and I hardly ever seen him without one like even in the clink he somehow finnaygled a way to wear one and the hacks dont allow no hats at ALL normally on account of that insident with Crazy Quilt and the warden and the skwirrel that got in here somehow and the bottle of rubber cement. And still somehow Panama convinsed them to let him wear a hat I guess cause he is a fast talker and hes got a lot on the ball only most of us in the hench game dont care for him cause hes a grade a knowitall and sure he talks a lot but hes mainly stating the ovvious and after a while you just wanna kick him in the nuts.) So anyhow I meet up with Panama in his "office" in the back room of this poolhall in Newark and hes all gussied up in this thing that looks like a Superman costume only it got a C on the chest instead of a S and hes wearing this gray helmet that looks like a welders helment kind of but of course the Panama hat perched on top gives him rite away. And I know he must of landed a real sweet gig this time cause hes cockier than ever and really lording it over me that I even have to ask for a job and I wanna take that stupid hat off his stupid head and cram it right down his stupid throat but what can I do I got a wife and a kid and I gotta do rite by them you know? So I grin and bare it and the next thing I know Im working for the famous crime syndicket CYCLOPS in HOLLAND and the pays pretty good I got more than plenty to send home to Glynda and Manny Jr. and still have some left over for hookers and booze on a Friday nite and if I had to complain about anything it would just be that the food aint all that good like everything is covered in cheese sauce wether you ask for it or NOT altho the coffee aint half bad oh and also this one time I went looking for a baseball mitt for Manny Jr. and when Id try to describe it to the stupid Holland store clerks they just looked at me like I was outta my goddamn mind.

So the Cyclops boss is this nut Stingaree dressed all in green with a manta on his chest and he has both a cape AND a tail and when hes talking to you the tail twitches around and lifts up the back of the cape like its trying to cop a feel on Stingarees ass and its just really distrackting. On the plus side as soon as Panama returned there with me and a coupel other new guys in tow Stingaree takes one look at that dopey hat of his and his tail SHOOTS OUT and knocks the hat right offa Panamas head and pins it to the wall and even tho Panama was wearing the regalashun gray helmet and I couldnt see his frightend puss I saw these little droplits of sweat pop out all over his fat neck. So that was pretty sweet. (And by the way? Panama was never a leader type or nothing I mean me and him essenshully had the same job title but that didnt stop him from trying to give the rest of us henchmen orders I dont know what was up with that other than him being a jackass.) After that they fitted me for a uniform and the queer little taylor guy from Armenia with the pensilled-on mustache got too touchy feely on the inseam part if you ask me but hey Id just got there I didnt wanna make no waves. Im a "go along to get along" type guy when I have to be. Oh and also they handed me the Cyclops oreentashun manyual which if Id been just starting out in the biz woulda depressed the shit outta me but beleive you me I seen it all before but if you guys in the future dimenshun are interested heres the jist of it quoted as near as I can rembember:

• Yes we are aware that the inspeckshun devise in the main coridor bares a striking resemblense to the male member. Any remark made by you about the simmilerities will result in your suspenshun or possibly death depending on what kind of mood Stingaree is in that day.
• Ditto for your brite red grapnel gun espeshully as it has that one part that looks like balls.
• Please do not play on beneath next to around or near the Liquidator tank robot it is not a toy.
• Do not make any puns involving the dikes and Stingarees sister.
• Stingaree reserves the rite to use his fearfull powers on you at the time and place of his choosing and without your consent.
• Always clean up after yourself in the breakroom your mother doesnt work here.
• Please refrayne from taunting the janitorial staff Holland hates us enough as it is and quite frankly the constent remarks about their acksents arent helping the sitchuashun.
• Even tho your face is covered up by a gray helmet Stingaree can tell when you arent smiling at him. Dont get him wrong he dont want you to get a boner or nothing but would it kill you to smile I mean its only common curtessy. And make it look sinsere.

Also I should probbly menshun my speerits werent ecksackly lifted when I got to my locker cause heres what I found written on the door:

Adelbert
Rolf
Gerardus
Pedro
Mikhail
Noushzad
Toshiro
Manny

Kind of a high turnover rate dont you think espshully when you consider they only been using that base for THREE MONTHS. And my guess is those poor saps didnt find no better job oppertunities or nothing they probbly got themselfs kacked by Stingaree.

Okay so I manage to last a hole five weeks without getting on Stingarees bad side (altho I swear maybe TWO DOZEN henchmen came and went in the meantime and Id say for sure Stingaree offed at least half of them if not more I know I persunally seen him do it on seven diffrent occayshuns) and I feel like Im really settling in there at the Cyclops base and Im making loads of dough so of course the base has to get infultrated by that weerd superhero Metal Murphy and also Elementary Girl who if you can beleive THIS used to be Stingarees FIANSAY! Dont get me wrong she got a shape on her and she kinda looks like Charro in the face but COME ON her hair is GREEN and her right leg looks like its made outta DOG SHIT plus she smells like that stuff they use to clean swimming pools but if you enjoy gallavanting around wearing a goddamn TAIL I guess your up for ANYTHING.

So anyhow we think the Liquidator will stop them but they bash it up real bad and finally the walls of the coridor close in on it and crush it while the two of them turn into smelly gas and excape and if I could just innerjeck here nobody bothered to tell ME the coridor walls were desined to do that like it aint even in the MANYUAL and youd think thats the kinda thing itd be helpful for your henchmen to know so they dont acksidennally get trapped or nothing Im just saying is all. And then Stingaree kind of halfway melts them using the sonic cannon but they ooze thru a grate and head for an air vent and Stingarees voice comes over the innercom saying "STINGAREE TO ALL UNITS METAL MURPHY AND ACKOMPLISS EXCAPING THE LAIR! THIS MUST NOT HAPPEN! EMURGENCY!" and Im standing there thinking "Yeah I know dumbass we been watching the hole thing on the survaylince cameras."

And this one guy who aint half bad Stumpy I think hes called he figgers out which vent theyre in so of course Panama yells "If we fail Stingaree will use his own fearfull powers on us! FIRE! FIRE!" and we all of us are shooting but theyre long gone by then and I turn to Panama and I say "You know what smartguy you coulda just started FIRING like the rest of us was already DOING instead of flapping your gums and then shooting a couple times after they was TEN MILES AWAY" and Panama gets all pissy and says "Dont make me pull rank on you Fodder" and I say "Oh cut the crap Panama! I dont care if you hooked me up with this gig your just a grunt like the rest of us and the next time you forget that Im knocking your goddamn BLOCK off" and I give him a shove for emfassis and it probbly woulda turned into a fistfight if Stingarees voice hadnt of come over the squawk box again telling everybody to fan out and search all the waterways and to rembember to take our grapnel guns or as I liked to call them the "shlong rifles."

So were all firing grappling hooks into the canals on the one-in-a-millyun chance we will ackshully HIT one of them but it turns out they was stuck like gum to one of the windmills the HOLE TIME and the only way we can tell THAT is cause a small plane flies in outta nowhere and Stingaree takes off after it in his fruity purple huvvercraft and Metal Murphy turns HISSELF into a grappling hook and flies offa the windmill and makes Stingaree crash. So Stingaree gives us orders IN PERSON for once and tells us to DESTROY Metal Murphy and I get that hollow feeling in my gut that I always get when I know the jig is up but I gotta go thru the goddamn motions anyhow and to top it off Panama the suck-up says "CYCLOPS commands! We obay!" and I just wanna smash his FACE in but I try to shake it off and just consentrate on switching the grapnel gun from grappling mode to flamethrower mode (the gun has something like twenny diffrent modes and you gotta work all these microscopick buttons and levers and dials and shit in just the rite order to go from one mode to another or else the gun EXPLODES honestly I dont know who desined the stupid thing but Id like to break theyr nose.)

So me and the rest of the boys are blasting at Metal Murphy but he unsticks himself from the windmill and turns into a big pink BOWLING BALL with SMOKE boiling out of it and he rolls RITE AT US and also his ugly mug keeps popping out of it and the weerd thing is I swear he was kind of EYE-RAPING me the hole time. But anyhow he flattens us just like I knew he was gonna oh and rite before he smashed into us Panama says "Our guns... they got no effeckt!" and Im thinking "Thanks for the news flash Walter Cronkite" and GODDAMN but that Panama works my last nerve. So I wind up lieing there with my leg BROKEN for like the forth time in as many years and I come to just in time to see Stingaree acktivate a speshul switch that destroys the dike and sends a wall of seawater rushing twoards us and again I'm thinking itd be nice if Id even known there WAS a speshul switch in the FIRST place and thank God Metal Murphy turns hisself into a bulldozer and rams the crashed plane into the destroyed part to plug it up. Afterwords Metal Murphy turns us all over to the local cops and after it all gets sorted out innernashunally I get my ass haulled back to America and I'm tossed into the pokey AGAIN and its like I aint never ever been away. Oh and I hear Panama got SEVERE BRAIN DAMADGE from being squashed by Metal Murphy the pink bowling ball and now hes in a home somewhere.

I wonder if he still wears the hat.

Manny's Worst Day Ever

Dear Glynda,

I am writing you from the prison hospitle. In France. I know thats probly a shock but I figger its best to just be out with it like rippin off a bandaid.

So heres what happened this time. You know that one guy Hap who used to hench for the Calculater well he told me last time I was in jail I oughta take me a electronicks class cause then I can get better paying gigs. And I did! And it was easy! Like I learnt COMPUTER LANGUAGE which is a breeze you dont have to worry about captilzashun or fancy-shmancy grammer or nothing. So then like two days after my releas I meet this guy Whitey who says hes rounding up tecknolodgical-minded henchmen for a big cushy job in some guys big floating fortress over in EUROPE and the airfare is free and they even take care of faking the visa and what-not so of course I say YES.

Well it turns out the boss is a one-armed NAZI name of "General Sal" or something ekwally stupid and Im thinking of cutting and running right there I mean even a old merc like mes got standards but I already signed the contract and I really need the dough so beggers cant be choosers I guess. In the plus collum I get to wear only the sweetest hi-teck supersuit like EVER. All shiny and red and silver and the arms and legs look like Slinkys and the guns are BUILT RIGHT IN and the helmet is so big they had room for some kinda machine that gives you a Japanese massajh now and then just for kicks. The teck part is top of the line like even more advansed that a Commodore Vic-20 if you can beleive it. Even better the suit was already detailed when I got there washed and waxed and the interior smells like pine needels so I guess other than the Nazi part that General Sal guy is a real class act.

There was maybe a couple hunnert henchguys there altogether so natchurly I seen a lotta famillyer faces. Smitty and Clubber and Freebie and Porky and Two-Tone and Nosey and Stumpy and Winks and probly even more I cant remmember right now cause the beating I took whapped some a the names right outta my skull. So after we all suit up we get devided into groups some a us have to invade some jerkwater country nobody likes called "Zandia" and some a us have to right away fight the New Teen Titans and some a us are put in "resserve" for later. Guess who gets put in resserve? You got it and Im thinkin GREAT no bonus for me but then MORE super guys attack only these ones are EVIL. So General Sal says "Sic em."



Evil guys dont play fair (and I should know) so I right away I know we are royally screwed. Clubber plows into this German guy who looks like the time Manny Jr. ate too much cotton candy and yakked it back up onto that quilt your Gramma made you and the German guy MELTS him. Just like that. Oh and by the way I cant help but notice one a the other groups appairently beat the Titans cause now the Titans are in a big Popamatick bubble deal being turned into cavemen altho I couldunt tell right away at first I thought maybe they were all just Italian or somethin.



Anyway like one second after Clubber bites it this freaky chick with big weird calligraffy eyebrows puts a whammy on Two-Tone and Winks and me too a little bit only I wasnt really paying attenshun to her so it didnt work too good on me like everybodys arms start to look like snakes and Im thinking "That aint right" so I shake it off but Ill tell you what Two-Tone and Winks sure got a load of it. The poor dumb shmoes start shooting at eachother like theres no tommorrow and they even wing me in the arm and the cassette drive whirs and the video screen prints out LEFT GUN MALFUNKSHUN and then Winks nails Two-Tone point-blank in the chest and then he turns on ME so what am I gonna do? I got no choice right? I gotta shoot Winks right in the head. And the hole time Im thinking of '66 when he got my back in that barfight we had with Ding Dong Daddys gang but now it was every man for hisself.



So the freaky chick dont do nothing after that she just stands there looking all proud a herself or maybe shes thinking up more stupid ways to drawn on her eyebrows so Freebie and Smitty and oh yeah this guy Id just met before named Sluggo we charge at this French guy whos in a fruity gold number and his head looks like its coming outta a lobsters ASS and Im praying to God his superpowers are as lame as he looks so of course he wiggles his fingers and the four a us are in SPACE. Yeah I know. WHAT THE FUCK. The visor starts to frost up and I feel like my eyeballs are gonna pop right outta my skull and I can see the other three just floating away but I was last and I reach out for whatever I can and by pure dumb luck I grab the edge a the hole Frenchie made and its SOLID. So I pull myself back thru into Earth again and hightail it for the exits cause contract or no contract Id had enuff of THAT shit. And the video screen is saying JYROSCPICK COMPENSATERS MALFUNKSHUNING and Im bumping into shit left and right but the hell with it I just want out. Oh and at this point the Titans had freed theirselfs so I have to worry about dodjing THEIR sorry asses. But whaddaya know I make it outside free and clear so guess what happens next. No GUESS.



That one Black Titan Cy Berg or what have you I guess hes Jewish like Sammy Davis Jr. is hanging off a the floating headquarters by one a his stupid Inspecter Gadjet arms and Im heading strate for him cause I cant mannoover too good no more and this OTHER sunuvabitch who they tell me later is Whitey the guy who got me INTO this mess is ALSO heading strate for him from the other direckshun and then ZOOP! Cy Berg yanks hisself up and we crash and the suit blows me to Kingdom Come and by Kingdom Come I mean France.

I wake up in a hospitle bed in prison and its worse than reglar prison cause its FRENCH PRISON and it smells like garlic and everybodys all snooty just cause I cant speak France and they alla them smoke like ALL THE TIME even when their showering I dont know how they do it. Also I been having them dreams again where Im that guy on that other Earth. The last one was the weerdest I was in a supervillain PARADE and it ended with me going to jail which is appropreeate.

So thats all the news. Take care and dont forget to jot down my new address and also if you can make me some snickerdooduls. I gotta craving for some snickerdooduls.

Your loving husband,
Manny

Letter From A DC Henchman

Dear Glynda,

Hello from prison. How are you today? I am fine. Eckcept I been having them dreams again abbout living on another Earth where Im still in the henching game only my name is diffrent and there aint no Superman or Bat-Girl or nothing like that and insted the superheros are all WHINY and MEAN. And you are there too also Glynda but your name isnt the same ether and your a blond which dont look too good on you but Im thinking may be your sister put you up to it cause shes always pulling that kind of busybody crap no offence.

So this time I got braught in by Green Arrow and Speedy who dont even run too fast so I dont know WHY they call him that. And it was all going real good at first before everything went south on us so I'm kinda heartbroke about the hole thing. See instead of just being a henchman where theres some sort of main guy who tells you what to do all the time and treats you like crap and pays you peanuts I joined up with the "Shark Gang" which is more like a group type deal where we take turns being the leader only its not communism so dont be getting any ideas. And it was even going to be my turn this week can you beat THAT? Anyway. I knew this guy Robbie from when we both henched for Captain Cold and Robbie was already in the Shark Gang and he rememmberd that one time Flash made a tornadoe come outta his ass and it flung me into the Central City kiddie pool which is like the size of Hudson Bay and I didnt drown at ALL which made an impresshun on him I guess. So he invited me into the Shark Gang! It was a pretty sweet deal all things considered since the costumes were comfterbul and easy to wear and you know how the shoe salemens always say I got a "high instep" whatever the hell THAT is and its real hard to find shoes that fit me but the boots and flippers and stuff I got to wear just fit like a glove and were real comfy plus I got to put on a green see-thru shark helmet which I wished I coulda kept cause it woulda made a swell Halloween mask at Halloween time but the policeman said no. Oh and the very best part of all was I got to drive around on a shark-mobile which goes underwater at about ninedy miles per hour oh Glynda it was the BEST.



So youd think we were set for life since the only heros in town were Green Arrow and Speedy and what the hell could THEY do underwater? We made our haul and got away from them lickety split but then HALF A DAY later those crumb bums show up AGAIN only now theyre all in a yellow submarine. A yellow submarine... A YELLOW SUBMARINE! And to top it off they got these cross bow deals like for harpooning DOLFINS or whatever and so it was "here I go again" once they started coming at us with the fancy gimick weapens.



First they shoot a cloud of ink or something at us and its probably honest to God octapus ink like harvested from the ink udders of ACKTUAL OCTAPUS and its worth like fifty gazillyun dollars if they got the dough to just haul out a blasted SUBMARINE at the drop of a hat. And just when I wrapped my brain around THAT they blind everybody with some kinda glow-worm arrow and everything is a white hazy blur but I can still see the gas gage on the shark-mobile dashboard jerk from "full" to "empty" cause even tho it looks sleek as all get out its really a peice of CRAP like probably made in HONG KONG for a dollar each for all I know so I tell Robbie on the speshul underwater radio mike that we need to turn sharktail and make a run for it and I hope the radio dont fall apart TOO like the shark-mobile is falling apart and THEN of course some NEW crap comes shooting out of the ink cloud. Guess what it was. No GUESS.



GLUE. So now the shark-mobile is all gummed up and Im sinking like a stone and I get my feet outta the stirrups but one of my boots comes off and a sunfish comes along and BITES my foot which Im thinking cant be a co-incidense like maybe Aquaman is hiding behind a rock or something and laughing his ass off but I shrug it off and swim up to the surface and as Im doing that I see the guys on the boat snagged Green Arrow and Speedy with these big ole fish hooks so Im thinking now everythings going to turn out great you know? But by the time I crawl up on the boat Green Arrow and Speedy have zonked everybody out with elecktricity and Jo-Jo is layed out on the deck with this huge welt on his face and Clancy is twitching and jerking like one of those new dance crazes the kids like so much only his eyes are closed so I knew something was wrong and Im pretty sure Dugan's HEART had STOPPED but I dont think Green Arrow and Speedy have noticed or maybe they don't care cause theyre all busy pumping theyr fists and saying "Woo!" and "Yeah!" and theyre belly-bumping eachother and then Green Arrow goes into this crazy dance thing where hes doing the DUCK WALK like hes Chuck Goddam BERRY and its just INSANE. And then finally the coast guard shows up and they take everybody whose still ALIVE back to jail and Dugan and Clancy are packed off to the morg and so now Im writing you this letter.

So its same old same old for me I guess eckcept for those dreams I just tole you about. Oh and also that one dream I have where Im Superman and I find the great big strawberry dackery but you already know about that one.



Please take care of yourself while Im gone and Ill get out of here as soon as I can.

Your loving husband,
Manny

Letters From A Henchman, Part Two: Evil On Parade

Dear Gladys,

I ben in prison again for two hole months now and you never come seen me or wrote me or nothing so I am writing you a new letter to say how come. Maybe you never got the last letter I sent you so to sum up, since I got outta prison I racked up some pretty heavvy gambeling debts but then I gotta job to pay them off only the job was for this supervillain named "Meeraj" and he was gonna kidnap the Thing from a hospitle but it turns out Meeraj ain't that good a supervillain and long story short we got caught and I'm in prison again. Also I asked you to send some mackaroons for me and my cell mate Fabian cause it turns out we both like mackaroons. But in case you DID get my last letter then you remmember how I said I would tell you what happenned when I was in that big supervillain army that was in all the papers so here goes.

Like I told you before Daredevil was beating the holy hell outta us henchmen but then Meeraj decides he is gonna take him on singlehanded and he uses his illuzhun deal to make dooplickets of himself so I elbow this other guy Charlie and I say "This hole jobs gone south so whaddaya say we make a break for it" and Charlie says "Thats a pretty good idea." So we take off those dumb head gear things Meeraj made us wear and we just stroll around the corner easy as you please trying to disguise our limps and trying to make sure none a the bloody teeth Daredevil knocked loose fall outta our mouths and also we pass a supply closet so Charlie and me slip in there real quick and put on some operating pajamas over our bad guy outfits and next thing you know we are near the front door. Oh and meanwhile a bunch a other crap is going on like Thor fighting the Mole Man so its not like people are paying any attenshun to us anyway. But right outside the front doors is four cops with guns and me and Charlie deside to double-back but then this guy in a black catfish mask or something knocks them all out with a gas grenade and we figger he's gonna walk right in thru the doors but instead he blasts a hole in the wall NEAR the doors and walks thru THAT which is just stupid. And then he gets punched in the kisser by Ant Man and then ants attack and he runs away. And then Ant Man flies off so we finally can make it outside and I am thinking we are home free but then we run smack dab into this guy named "The Melter" who right away can tell we are henchmen so he pretty much orders us to join his supervillain army. And I know what you say Gladys about how I shud stand up for myself more but I was really stuck there, I mean I don't got no super powers and the other guy was named "The Melter" which told me right then and there that if I did'nt do what he said he was gonna melt something offa me like maybe an arm or even my head. So the Melter marches us thru a alley to a old department store that nobody was using and it is filled to the gills with bad guys. I see a lotta guys I seen on teevee before like the Constrickter and the Rhino and the Beatle and Blacklash plus that one guy with the big giant head and the Pete Rose haircut, M.U.R.D.O.C.K. or whatever. And also my cell mate Fabian was there! Only I did'nt know it at the time since we had'nt met yet and also he was in a suit of armer and he called hisself the Meckano Marawder. Anyway some a them had already got their tails kicked in the hospitle but they figgered strenth in numbers so why not just head back down there in a mob? So we did.

Well I wish I could say we were a scary site but to tell the truth a lotta the guys were kinda chubby and out a shape espeshully the Constrickter and even the ones who were halfway fit were dressed like freaking circus clowns like Blacklash and that dumb green Judy Jetson ponytail of his or the Melter and his two-tone stripey pants and teeny helmet or even my pal Fabian who had a suit that made him look like a robot version of our nations capital. And then the women were'nt even hot or nothing they were wresslers I guess so they had man sholders and these huge fat asses and I swear that one lady Poundcakes even had what looked to me like a shlong. Oh and the only skinny one was Screaming Mimi but she was even dressed EXACKTLY like a clown with the face paint and the ruffly skirt like Cyndi Lauper and you know how much I valew our merrage Gladys so let me confess right here and now that yes I was thinking about putting the moves on her but then it ockurred to me how much I love you and also she came off as kinda twitchy and crazy and like a real ball cutter if you know what I mean so I left well enuff alone. So anyway we are marching down the street and me and Charlie are stuck in the back with the Mole Man's guys plus I have to walk right behind the Rhino who smells like our Naugahyde couch after that one time when your brother Freddie got drunk and peed hisself so already I can tell this whole mess is not going to turn out good. And alla the people on the sidewalks are pointing at us and gabbing and they look real ecksited but they do'nt look scared or nothing cause like I said we ressemballed a parade more than a army. That one guy M.U.R.D.O.C.K. even FLOATS like a Macy's Thanksgiving Day balloon. If I remmember it rite I think one kid even yelled at us and wanted to know why we were'nt throwing any candy. And then we don't even make it back inside the hospitle cause there is a ekwally big army of superheros waiting for us right outside the doors and then we all throw down.

There were some good guys I reckognized like Captin America and the Fantastick Four but also a bunch I never seen before or at least if I did I do'nt remmember which cud be from all the times they knocked me in the head. Like there was this metal guy in red hip-waders and this furry blue guy with a devil tail and also the HULK was there if you can belive it even tho I still ca'nt cause I did'nt even know the Hulk WAS a good guy since he mainly just runs around destroying shit and also is'nt the US GOVERMENT looking for him rite now? I mean it'd be like if the cops in London were shooting at some bank robbers and then the Irish Republickan Army shows up and says to the cops "Hey can we help?"

So in the fight a couple a our guys get taken out right away like Meeraj OF COURSE and also the Melter which is just sad since the whole clusterfuck was HIS IDEA IN THE FIRST PLACE but by then we are in the middle of it so we ca'nt just turn tail and run. Me and Charlie are just doing our best to stay out a the way, ducking and dodging and shit and then Thor nails Fabian right in the belly but he manages to get a few shots off which is cool but the only fighters he took out with them are the Mole Man's guys so that's like minus points for our team. Now I am not one hunderd percent positiv this next part happened like I saw it so bear with me but I coulda sworn Spider-Man shot a web outta his CROTCH and rode the Rhino around like a bull at a rodeo, anyways thats what it looked like from my angle. Also this short hairy-armed guy in a ugly orange and brown outfit is fighting Blacklash using KNIVES on his hands so I guess he's another villain who got confused like Fabian did. I bet his face is read now! The last thing I remmember this orange Bigfoot guy I never seen before lifts some robot guy I never seen before over his head and then M.U.R.D.O.C.K. shoots a squiggly laser outta his noggin and lifts the Bigfoot guy offa the ground and tosses him like twenty feet thru the air and guess who he lands on? Yours truly. Not to menshun the Bigfoot guy got knocked out so I'm trapped underneath him with his knee-length pubes in my mouth until the cops show up.

So now I'm in jail again. Gladys I know we had our problems but I miss you and to tell you the truth what scares me most is how much I DO'NT MIND seeing no women around here. Fabian is great and we can talk for hours and hours or sometimes we just look at each other which is nice too since he has these really good looking eyes and a nice smile and his back massahges are the BEST but you are my wife and we will always have that. So please come and see me here real soon okay? I love you.

Your faithfull husband,
Lenny

P.S. Don't forget the mackaroons.

Letters From A Henchman, Part One

Dear Gladys,

I know your sister says I'm a no good bum and you never should of merried me but I wanted to tell you I gotta job so there. And no its not exacktly on the up and up but you know with my record its dificult for me to find gainfull employment. Anyway to make a long story short I owed this guy Tommy a lotta dough and I could'nt pay him right away and he was gonna get the other guy named Ham-bone to chop off both a my legs but then he got this funny look on his face and he said that he knew this guy named "Meeraj" who was looking for guys to work for him and he was paying a pretty good finders fee and he said he knew I was strong and tough and all so he'd just kind of give me to him and take the money for hisself. So it turns out Meeraj is an acktual supervillain like you read about in the Bugle so that means I got to wear a fancy costume and everything.

To tell you the truth that was my least favorit part of the job because the costume is really kinda goofy and I'm glad you never seen me in it. For one thing it's got these little skinny stripes on it like a business man suit would have and I do'nt think that makes no sense on a supervillain suit at all plus the color of it is mainly a washed out orange like a nerf ball or something and the boots and the gloves are this BRITE BRITE blue and to see the two colors together at the same time makes my eyes feel bad. But the worst part of all is the head-mask-thing because it has handles on it. Handles! They go on the sides of my head and I do'nt even know what the hell they are suposed to be for unless Meeraj wants people to think we all have really big ears or maybe that we are the Human Pretzel Family. Also there is a third eye hole on the fourhead part so all that shows thru is skin and no eyeball. I told Meeraj I did'nt really unnerstand why we had to dress like that but he punched me real hard in the gut and said I needed to shut my fat mouth and he also said if I did'nt like the set-up that he could send my sorry ass right back to Tommy and Ham-bone and then I could be doing fashun crittisism with NO LEGS.

So Meeraj's big plan was to sneak us into the hospital where the Thing was and then we would "spirit him away" and hold him for ransome. I wanted to ask Meeraj how exactly the four of us were going to get a monster like the Thing out of the hospitle without nobody notissing cause he ways like a ton and a half plus he could probbly clobber us all to smithereens using only his pinky toe but then I remmembered about getting my legs chopped off so I shut up. So then Meeraj drives us to the hospitle and he uses his illuzhun doo-hickey to make us look like ambulence men and we just walk right inside like we work there and I'm thinking "Oh man I hope no doctors sees us and wants us to drive a ambulence." But so far so good and then when we are almost to the Things room Meeraj turns off the illuzhun for no good goddamn reason at all and then DAREDEVIL is there and he bounces his billy club off the wall right in front of Meeraj like a warning shot or something and THEN Meeraj tells Daredevil our whole plan and I figure out why Meeraj has to pay top dollar for henchmen. Because he's an IDIOT and nobody in their right mind wants to work for him. So Daredevil bounses off a window ledge and then he sproings right into us like we are bowling pens and knocks us silly. We get up and go at him again and he kicks one guy in the belly while I tackel him but then he does this kung fu move where he flips me and as God is my witness I swear it made this really strange sound like FWICK. And then the Mole Man drilled right thru the floor in another part of the hospitle and he had those scrawny little bug eyed guys with him and Thor was there so with everything that was going on we were able to scram out of there and regroup. Oh and then later I was in that supervillain army that was marching down the street back to the hospitle but you probbly heard about that but you probbly did'nt know I was in that so I will give you all the detales about it in my next letter.

Your loving husband,
Lenny

P.S. Please please bring more of those coconut mackaroons next time you come to the jail because me and my cell mate Fabian love those. Thanks your the best.