Clash of the Mediocre Titans

Yesterday I watched the Chiefs-Jaguars game --- or as I like to think of it, Kansas City vs. Trent Green. I wasn't sure what to expect, since they both came into it with middling win-loss records. Some notable moments:

• The show's opening montage fades in to the accompaniment of a familiar-sounding backbeat, and for a mind-blowing moment I think they're playing George Michael's "Freedom." No such luck.
• 1st quarter: QB Trent "Iron Skull" Green rockets a pass straight to WR Samie "Ray" Parker "Junior" who basically juggles the damn thing while running before he finally drops it. Dumbass. (Not that I could have done any better, but it's fun to judge people.)
• This is followed almost immediately by a Jaguars interception. Good one, Green.
• An announcer notes that the Jaguars' Maurice Jones-Drew is "so good... people are fightin' over which nickname to give 'em." My choice: "the Marquis Lilliput Von Flyspeck."
• And then, the greatest moment of my life: KC's Bernard Pollard blocks a Jaguars punt -- and when the ball lands near the goal line, he flings himself on it and makes a touchdown! (Admittedly, I lead a very boring life.)
• In the stands: some idiot in a red foam tricornered hat (I refuse to call it a "cheesehead" hat when it's not yellow) emblazoned with the name of his favorite comic book: X-Factor. Behind him: some lady in a "Skull Kill Krew" sombrero.
• 2nd quarter: Trent Green briefly sticks his fingers in his ears and wiggles them around, because he prefers his brains to have a frothy, mousse-like consistency. Or maybe he's signalling for "no huddle." I dunno.
• The announcers theorize that Jones-Drew's sheer shrimpiness makes him very hard to tackle. He gets pounded by like, half-a-dozen guys right after that.
• A late hit by Jaguars DE Paul Spicer nails Trent Green, knocking him on his ass. Green digs a loose shred of dura mater out of his ear canal and rallies.
• On a fourth down, within one yard of the goal line, KC coach Herm Edwards opts to try for a touchdown. (Kinglike, I nod approval from the remove of my cranberry red loveseat.) And it pays off! Additional credit goes to the great Larry Johnson, who has to accomplish it by launching himself over a pile of Jaguars, Batroc-style.
• Although when Johnson takes off his helmet, I'm alarmed by the sight of his hair. He has either a very audacious barber, or a frighteningly literate ringworm.
• In the third-to-last play before the end of the first half, Jacksonville QB David Garrard spends what feels like five minutes dancing around before finally making an incomplete pass. And by that time I'm screaming at the TV, "Just let go of the fucking ball already, you idiot!"
• A KC penalty with 0:00 left on the clock gets Jacksonville an extra, untimed play, and they use it to almost score a touchdown. Almost.
• At the start of the second half, the announcers lay out some statistics to explain that the Chiefs actually kind of suck compared to the Jaguars and that the early turnover is the only thing that skewed the game in their favor. I feel a thin trickle of pee run down my leg.
• On the first play of the second half, KC's Dante Hall gets crunched between a Jaguars player and KC player and he exits the field holding on to his right shoulder. Swell. *grumbles*
• Jacksonville has to start its drive from its own twenty-yard line, and right away KC's Ty Law picks off a pass to put KC at the one-yard line. As a mere formality, mind you, Larry Johnson makes the touchdown. Freakin' awesome. With the extra point, the score is 28-10, Chiefs.
• Jaguars coach Jack Del Rio pulls David "Not right now, I'm having a Montclair moment" Garrard off the field and replaces him with rookie Quinn Gray. Gray runs the ball in himself for a touchdown. Um... good choice. (Dammit.)
• A KC pass to Dante Hall falls way too short which one of the announcers blames on the wind (what, like a downdraft? The hell--?!) so Hall can't get to it quickly enough. Players from both teams scramble for it. One of the Chiefs finally lands atop the bouncing pigskin, and then two Jaguars pile themselves on top of him. Long after the play is clearly over, the Jaguars just stay flopped on top of the KC player, and I can see their fat, evil arms trying to dig the ball out from under the KC guy. Somebody needs to get a spatula and pry those jackasses off of him.
• A tackle bends Trent Green's leg under his body in an unnatural manner, but he manages to walk off the field... and let Damon Huard take his place for a bit! Holy Crap! An announcer notes somewhat ungrammatically, "Many in Kansas City feeling Damon Huard should have retained the starting position." Yeah, there's at least one guy in Wichita who agrees with them, pal. Now, I don't consider myself to be a kneejerk, fair-weather type of guy. I have no problem with Green. I'm just going by the opinions of some former football players I've seen on TV who think that Green needed to spend more time recuperating before trying to play again. (Doctors, shmoctors!) I admire the NFL creed of playing with horrendous, bloody, life-threatening injuries but a concussion is pretty much brain damage and I think that merits a "better safe than sorry" attitude. Of course, when your brain has ricocheted around your skull like a racquetball, life-and-death decisions aren't going to be your strong suit.
• Within minutes of entering the game, Huard throws to Kennison for a fifty-eight-yard reception. Then Johnson runs it in for the touchdown. With the extra point, KC stays in the lead, 35-17. Hey, Green? You just sit there for a while. (If I sound like I think Huard is better than Green? I really don't. It's just for comedic purposes. Honest!)
• "Anthony" Quinn Gray runs the ball in himself, again, for another Jaguars touchdown! He even holds the ball out from his body the last few yards. Just to taunt me. Oh, it's on now, Gray. Prepare yourself for a barrage of anonymous hatemail like you've never seen.
• Trent Green is back in the game! Huzzah. *weakly waves a little Chiefs flag* ...Aaaaannnd Jaguars OLB Daryl Smith intercepts a Green pass. And there wasn't a Chiefs player even near Smith. On the sidelines, Huard locates his Trent Green voodoo doll and twists the legs around some more.
• Fourth quarter: the Jaguars start a play at least two seconds after the play clock has run out but that Quinn Gray is such a charming, adorable cutiepie, I guess, that the officials let it slide. No penalty! Oh, isn't he just the dickens?
• The second time Gray pulls that crap, the officials manage to catch it. Yeah, you ain't that cute, Gray. Also, I know what I'm getting you for your birthday: a watch.
• On a forty-three-yard punt by Jacksonville, Dante Hall advances the ball a mere three yards after getting bulldozed backwards by the Jaguars. Flat on his back, he comically wiggles his head to-and-fro and then he launches the ball straight upward, killing a meadowlark.
• With less than eleven minutes left to go in the game, one of the announcers breaks the news that Jacksonville has been knocked out of the playoffs. So if they win this game, it will purely be out of spite. I wouldn't put it past 'em. Bastards. *mentally drafts first installment of anonymous hatemail to Quinn Gray*
• More good news: Larry Johnson has just set the alltime season rushing yardage record.
• Trent Green, meanwhile, can't figure out who he wants to throw the ball to, panics, starts to run backwards, and then fumbles the ball, whereupon it's pounded into the ground by three Jaguars players. Goddammit, Green, you go to your corner and you stay there.
• Quinn "Cummings" Gray throws three incompletes and then an interception, finally, but it's nullified, and all because KC's Jared Allen (who resembles a slightly less hairy version of one of the animatronic figures from Disneyland's Country Bear Jamboree) does this kind of flying, rolling tackle where at one point Allen's entire body is on top of Gray. And then Allen dry-humps him a few times. Well, too freakin' bad, Gray! Suck it up and be a man! *doodles caricature of Gray in diapers and a baby bonnet on a napkin*
• Jacksonville touchdown makes the score 35-30, KC, with five minutes left. My stomach starts to cramp up. But when its time to make the extra point, Gray drops the snap. Haw! Oh, the healing power of derisive laughter.
• Green runs the ball for a first down after a flag lands on the field. I'm sure he didn't see it but it still came off as a pissy, selfish maneuver to me. Because I've dedicated myself to being massively unfair to Trent Green. Anyway, the penalty is declined and it stands as a first down.
• The boring, nondescript announcers talk about Larry Johnson tying a rushing attempts record (and I'm sorry, but big fucking deal) while the camera shows a very special guest in attendance: Wildcats bad boy, Grifter! Blonde hair, red bandana... I'm pretty sure it's him. Although the breasts throw a wrench into my theory. Huh. Maybe it's She-Grifter.
• Larry Johnson breaks the rushing attempts record! And yet I feel nothing.
• 2:08 left in the game, and a fight breaks out. Jeebus. One of the generic announcers mush-mouths, "Some timbers are flaring." Timbers?! Well, hell, screw the officials, then. Get Smoky the Bear on the case.
• 1:16 left in the game. KC has the ball. As KC's line shifts from one formation to another, Jaguars DE Bobby McCray rushes forward. Flag on the play. The officials rule KC's maneuverings as legal, it counts as a first down, and that's the game. KC's still in it, and they're playing the Colts on Saturday. Sweet!

I know I haven't blogged about football much lately. I wish I could, but my problem is, it takes so long. I have to record the game and then pause it every minute or so while I type something. And I try to keep from finding out the score until I get a chance to watch it. That makes timeliness a problem. And if it's a night game, forget it! I'm not staying up all night blogging about a game when I have to be at work in the morning. But I figure I can just blog about an afternoon game I'm not necessarily invested in if one of "my teams" is playing at night. That way I can still have up-to-the-minute knowledge about the Chiefs and Steelers and blog about the other game when I actually have time. Not that there are that many games left in the season, huh? Oh, and I'm thinking about subscribing to the NFL Network. Since they air classic games throughout the year, I figure it could be a good way to catch up on some football lore. (Plus more football blogging!) I saw a NFL Network game on one of the INHD channels this last Saturday. It was the one where Tiki Barber managed to drag the Giants to victory after they started screwing up in the second half (like they always do). Bryant Gumbel was one of the announcers, and while I've heard he's kind of a snippy tightass I really liked him as a football announcer. He was kinda witty and seemed to be pretty good-humored. Do any of you have the NFL Network? And if so, do you think it's worth it?

Dumb Kind Of Monster

Last Thursday's "supersized" episode of "The Office" finally brought the Stamford staff into the Scranton office. For me, the happiest surprise of the night was the blossoming of Ed Helms' Andy Bernard into one of the best characters on the show. At Stamford, Andy was mainly a pathetic annoyance, with alternating bouts of a capella singing and temper tantrums. ("The game is over... I'm going to kill you for real," he tells Jim, after Jim's woeful performance in a "team-building" office video game.) His manager Josh seemed to ignore Andy's attempts to score brownie points. At Scranton, however, Andy immediately ingratiates himself to the clueless Michael through "personality mirroring" and "name repetition." And his aggressive personality has put him at odds with heirarchy-conscious Dwight, who shares his refusal to be the first person to "break off a handshake." Thus, when the two meet and quickly run out of things to say to each other, they wind up just standing there, still vigorously shaking hands. In fact, the demented duo clashes continuously throughout the episode. Andy even charms Dwight's frosty secret squeeze Angela. Noting her love of cats and costumed babies, he wins her good will in one fell swoop by selecting as his new screensaver a photo of a kitten wearing a pink cowboy hat. I anticipate a battle royale between Andy and Dwight over the coming weeks. In fact, the handshake scene inspired me to draw a cartoon of the two combatants. Initially it was just going to be a simple caricature, but the singular shape of Ed Helms' cranium led me to recast the duo as those legendary foes, Frankenstein's monster and the Wolfman.

Hey, speaking of flattened noggins, today I watched Trent Green (who only a few months ago suffered a concussion that turned his skull into a Lotto tumbler) return as KC's starting quarterback in the Chiefs/Raiders game.

• KC gets a turnover in the first three minutes. Sweet! Even sweeter: Larry Johnson scores the first touchdown of the game. Which means, given Kansas City's luck, he'll be killed by a meteorite tomorrow.
• Oakland's secret weapon? Well, from the looks of him, they hired former Doobie Brother Michael McDonald as their defensive coordinator. God help us all if they get Patti LaBelle.
• In the stands: a Chiefs fan indulges his Furry tendencies with a wolf costume. And his wife told him he didn't have the balls to wear it in public...!
• Tony Gonzalez is on the sidelines due to his shoulder injury. But his brain is perfectly fine. Couldn't they have transplanted Gonzalez' brain into Green's body? That makes sense, right? C'mon, where's their team spirit?
• I know this is a commercial but I just have to get it off my chest... hey, Lipitor! "Inventor of the Jarvik artificial heart Dr. Robert Jarvik" my ass! That guy's obviously Clint Howard and you and I both know it.
• 2nd quarter: announcer Rich Gannon notes that Green can "ill-afford" another shot to the head so he's not going to hold onto the football for too long. Well, thank God Herm Edwards put him back in the game, huh? What, couldn't he find a quarterback with hemophilia or brittle bone disease?
• With 19 seconds left in the first half, the Raiders get their first touchdown and lead KC 12-7. And the Raiders are entirely too excited about it. Hey... group celebration! Group celebration! That deserves a penalty! I'm making a citizen's arrest! And of course they get the extra point after that. Of course.
• 3rd quarter: Gannon says that Green's forte is to "get back there in the pocket, spin his head around...!" Wait, I thought that was the problem.
• Midway through the third the Raiders' Gallery is injured, and for a while he lays on his stomach with his calves sticking straight up in the air, and he kicks them around in such an oddly casual way he looks like one of the teenage girls in the telephone number from "Bye Bye Birdie."
• 4th quarter: KC's Tynes has a chance to tie the game with a field goal. Doesn't happen. Goddamn it. Oakland doesn't score on their next possession but they take five minutes off the clock while not scoring, leaving KC less than five minutes in the game to even tie. To update an old Lithuanian proverb, the Raiders are stupid like a pig but clever like a serpent.
• Still, KC pulls it off, making the score 16-13 in their favor with 1:32 left in the game. And it's due in large part to Trent Green, who makes a lot of stunningly precise passes. Oh, and Larry Johnson helped too. Extra point? Sure, why not! So KC leads Oakland 17-13. It's a great day!
• ...Until a 40-yard reception places the Raiders at the 8-yard line with 32 seconds left in the game. Motherf--! Oh, we're screwed!
• But wait! KC's Page intercepts the ball in the endzone! Aw, HELL YEAH! I love this game!

Cat Yack Fever

On Sunday morning, one of my cats vomited into my cable box (through the ventilation holes) so I missed seeing the Chiefs lose to the Dolphins. And now Tony Gonzalez is sidelined? With the number of injuries the Chiefs have sustained, I'm starting to wonder if the NFL commissioner is actually Dan Didio. (Next week: Anttaj Hawthorne-Prime punches Damon Huard's head off!) Monday afternoon I waited in line with a bunch of check-bouncing losers down at the cable company so I could exchange my vomitty old cable box for a not-so-hurled-upon new one. The swap went smoothly and I was able to catch Monday night's "popamatic" Buccaneers/Panthers match-up. (I'm thinking some prankster filled the ball with Mexican jumping beans. It had a mind of its own!)

• Tony Kornheiser's combover is revolting on a quantum level and the sheer ridiculousness of it makes me angrier by the week. At this rate, by the time the Superbowl rolls around, the merest glimpse of it will transform me into a Hulk-like creature.
• Astroturf now comes in plaid, and Michelle Tafoya is wearing it.
• In the stands: a freaky Panthers fan in something approximating a sky-blue wizard costume (assuming the wizard is named Don King) and... an angrily thin blonde Lady Of A Certain Age. Ann Coulter? Or just an upended rag mop with some bite marks on the handle? Also, there were enough freaky panther-people in the stands I started to wonder if I'd accidentally tuned into the premiere of a new Andrew Lloyd Weber musical on Bravo. And speaking of musicals...
• 1st quarter: a lost football results in a bizarre "standing pile" (I just made that term up. You're welcome.) where a bunch of players from both teams form a perfect circle shape that looks like the beginning of a Busby Berkley routine. All it needed was Ruby Keeler rising from the center of it on atop a giant football.
• Near end of 1st half: Ronde Barber's interception is followed by a "group demonstration" penalty because maybe three or four guys half-heartedly rocked their elbows back and forth.
• 2nd quarter: Kornheiser pronounces the word "dispirited" as "de-spurted" which makes me think of depleted ball sacks or, similarly, Kornheiser's head. Effing Kornheiser...!
• In last four minutes of 4th: Carolina's Steve Smith makes a decisive touchdown, helping the Panthers to win the game, 24-10. Not bad considering he'd been puking with frightening regularity on the sidelines for most of the night. Bulimic wide receivers... tomorrow on Springer! (Just stay away from my cable box, Smith.)

This weekend I rented "Doppelganger" because it was directed by Kiyoshi Kurosawa, who'd directed one of my favorite horror films of all time, the original "Pulse." Not to be confused with last summer's crappy Kristen Bell version. (That's right; she both wrote and directed it. No-talent hack! Kidding. You know what I mean.) "Doppelganger" was marketed as a horror film, right down to the DVD menus, but it's really not. It's just kind of goofy and boring, instead. The premise is good -- a driven but introverted man's life is invaded by his duplicate, who acts upon impulses the original would never dare to. There's a scene where the main character watches hunkered down in his car as the double suddenly grabs the arm of a woman who had a crush on him, and drags her off for God knows what. Not much else in the film has that level of suspense or horror. In the final act, the film transforms into basically a screwball comedy with gunplay and beatings, which isn't nearly as entertaining as it sounds. Needless to say, I felt ripped-off. However, I strongly recommend renting "Pulse" a.k.a. "Kairo" if you get the chance.

Also this weekend, I went to a company function at a bowling alley and got roped into entering a karaoke contest. (I think I had a decent shot, but I was outsung by two squeaky belters who were like the pre-makeover Clay Aiken. Kudos, Poindexters!) My repertoire included "Brick House," "Bad To The Bone," "Losing My Religion" and "Love Potion Number Nine." Like Ralph Wiggum, I was a pop sensation! Also, some unidentified person signed me and some other guys up to sing "American Pie" without asking us, and the only part of the song any of us knew was the chorus. And that's one long-ass number! We were trapped in front of that microphone for what felt like an hour with our eyes glued to the lyrics scrolling up on the monitor and trying to remember how the goddamn melody even went. ("Mmmn, um, mmph, uh, la la laaa la mmph mm AND THEY WERE SINGIN'! BYE BYE MISS AMERICAN PIE! (ten seconds later) THIS'LL BE THE DAY THAT I DIE-YI-YIII! Hmmm, mmmph, um, la la la...") Hear me now: If I ever find out who did this to me I will stone-cold murder their ass.

Your Cheatin' Hair

Monday night's game had a strong match-up between the New York Giants and the Dallas Cowboys, and entirely too much Hank Williams, Jr. and his "Just For Men" dye job. (Fifty-seven years old and nary a gray hair? I don't think so.) The differently-hideous Tony Kornheiser, meanwhile, either forgot to have the spray-on tan applied to his pasty pink scalp (plainly visible beneath the few wispy strands of hair in his combover) or else he's inordinately fond of wearing sunhats. I didn't have a favorite team in this game, so I decided to root for the Giants on the sole basis that I find the Cowboys to be aesthetically displeasing. Especially the cheerleader uniforms. All that fringe! Tacky! And now for my extremely spotty and easily-distracted play-by-play:

• Dallas fans aren't happy about their quarterback, Drew Bledsoe, starting. Or even playing at all, I guess, since some of them are brandishing signs reading "We want Romo." Looking at Tony Kornheiser makes me want bromo, so I can sort of relate.
• New York's #18, Jeff Feagles holds the NFL punting record (1457 at the start of this game) which is even more impressive to me, since based on his headshot, he's apparently crosseyed. His first punt rolls up to the goal line. Dallas is forced to play with Bledsoe standing in the endzone, and the Giants' #55 Lavar Arrington sacks him for the first safety of Arrington's career (and the first one I've ever seen, or at least paid any attention to).
• One of the most horrifying announcements I could ever imagine (on par with "That wasn't Mountain Dew" and "I have everything on videotape"): "When we come back, Hank Williams, Jr. joins us in the booth." Oh please God no.
• An announcer deems Bledsoe "not a very mobile individual." Maybe a Hoverround would help. Four-and-a-half minutes into the second quarter and Bledsoe had been sacked four times. Seriously, he spends more time on his back than Paris Hilton.
• Kornheiser talks about that "all-star" version of "Are You Ready For Some Football?" that HW Jr. recorded, and then he asks him if he thought about getting Pink in there. *shudder* I know that guys who look like Kornheiser think about gals who look like Pink, and I also know there's nothing inherently wrong with it; hell, 99.9% of the U.S. population is pretty sorry-looking, myself included, natch... it's just that I don't want to have to think about Kornheiser lusting after Pink. Is that so terribly shallow of me?
• Hank Jr.: "I got a case with a lotta awards in it. The greatest award in the world is that ten-year-old that looks up and says 'Oh my gosh! You da man from Monday Night!'" Wait, so Hank Williams Jr. has a ten-year-old in a case?! Does John Walsh know about this?
• Late in the second quarter, Arrington gets carted off the field with a torn Achilles' tendon. Aw, now who's going to sack Drew Bledsoe? Oh yeah... everybody.
• Bill Parcells replaces Bledsoe with #9 Tony Romo for the second half. Romo immediately throws an interception... which the Giants turn into a touchdown, making the score 19-7, Giants. Dallas fans scramble to make new signs.
• With 2:33 left in the game, Giants #35 Kevin Dockery intercepts a Romo pass and runs ninety-six yards for a touchdown. Sweet! Giants win, 36-22.

Narrow Win Stadium

Holy cats! Now, that was a football game! I'm referring (of course) to the Chiefs/Chargers game yesterday -- tied up 27-27 with 5:10 to go in the fourth, and that deadlock only broken by Lawrence Tynes' career-long fifty-three yard field goal with 0:06 left on the clock. So KC won, barely, 30-27.

• Turns out San Diego's deep back is named Michael Turner. I'm surprised he has time for a football career in between drawing all those ugly JLA covers. I also wonder if the woman who models for him really does look like an extruded version of Angelina Jolie... with her spinal column surgically removed.
• KC has suffered four veteran losses this season (so far). Here's the rundown: Trent Green (concussion), Willie Roaf (sting ray attack), John Welbourn (toenail fungus), and Tony Richardson (alien abduction -- kidding! It turns out he actually died fifteen years ago). I think KC really should have seen that last one coming.
• First quarter: we get a glimpse of Trent "Astroturf For Algernon" Green as he decides to start eating a felt tip pen. CBS cuts away before Herm Edwards runs over and slaps it out of his hand.
• An announcer, about two Chargers passes that led to fumbles: "Phillip Rivers looked high and uncertain on both of them." Well, that explains all the Grateful Dead decals on his helmet.
• First quarter: Tynes saucily hikes up his knickers to show off a little kneepad. Brazen!
• Second quarter: Fantastic fifty-seven yard pass completion by KC's #88 Tony Gonzalez, who kept pushing down the field even though three Chargers were mobbing him and had even spun him around so he was facing away from the goal. He was running backwards! He was moonwalking to victory!
• A Chevy ad: a doughy middle-aged farmer or hunter with a truck full of dogs, accompanied by the text, "This is our spokesman." That's odd; I thought their spokesman was a little cartoon boy urinating on a Ford logo.
• The Chiefs took their second time-out with 0:34 left in the second quarter. QB Damon Huard used that respite to consult with Edwards. Meanwhile, Trent Green began to lick his laminated play sheet. At a post-game press conference, he reported, "It tastes like peanut butter!" (Yes, I know this concussion=stupid gag is getting tired. Will I cut it out? ...ummmmmmmmmmNOPE.
• Announcer Rich Gannon keeps referring to players as "hats" and quite frankly he's starting to freak me out. I don't like Dadaesque play-by-play, Gannon! Also, Boo Radley called; he wants his haircut back.
• Third quarter: I'm no expert, but it seems to me that if you're going to pass the ball to a guy, it should be somebody who doesn't have his back to you, Damon Huard.
• Third quarter: Despite the Chargers' Marlon McCree signalling to the contrary, the refs rule for a KC touchdown. Man, I love it when the players try to tell the refs what to call. Honestly, has that ever worked? "Pass interference, number forty-nine, offense, five-yard pen-- what? No? Well, if you insist..."
• Fourth quarter: the Chargers' #21, LaDainian Tomlinson has the ball and fends off the Chiefs' #35, Lenny Walls, by barely touching him and yet somehow sending him flying backwards. In fact, the first time I saw it, the angle was such that it didn't look to me like Tomlinson had touched Walls at all! I was thinking, "How the hell did he do that... mind powers?!" Or maybe Walls has a greater resistance to Earth's gravity.
• On a related note, I'm thinking of changing my first name to JereMainian.
• Just once, just for a change, I'd like to see a player make a touchdown and point downwards. ("Thank you, Satan!")

Retractable Field, Retractable Victory

Sooooo... how about that game...? The football game, I mean? Bears-Cardinals? Well hell yes I mean the one three nights ago! I don't care; I wanna talk about it now! Sooooo... how about it?

• The shiny new University of Arizona Stadium has a retractable grass field! (Wouldn't it be awesome if they retracted it in the middle of a game? Like when the score is 20-0 in favor of the Cardinals, just for a random example? And if beneath the field there was a big open shark tank, or maybe a pit filled with bobcats and stalagmites and landmines?) Also, the stadium has a roof that can slide open and which makes it look like a Celestial's bedpan.
• Michele Tafoya is wearing a neutral blazer, a persimmon-colored blouse, and more gold chains than Mister T.
• Announcer: "The big stage does not intimidate [Cardinals quarterback] Matt Leinart!" I agree. I once saw him in an off-Broadway production of "Dubarry Was A Lady" and he brought the house down! He had five curtain calls! Five!
• Leinart is wired for sound, so every so often we're "treated" to his on-field remarks. Let's just say he's no Dorothy Parker. Example: "YeeeeeEEEEEAAA*voice cracking in the middle of it*AAAAAAAHHHhhhhhhh WOO!" Money well-spent!
• Cardinals kicker Scott Player's "single bar" helmet is one of the dorkiest things I've ever seen... and I frequent comic book stores! And the bar isn't even up around his mouth! Apparently Player has a deep-seated fear of being punched in the Adam's apple. And after seeing him in that helmet I want to do just that.
• Monday Night Football suddenly turns into "People Magazine" with a montage of quarterback/female celebrity couples: Leinart/Paris Hilton (ew), Tom Brady/Bridget Moynahan (who?!), Troy Aikman/Lorrie Morgan, Terry Bradshaw/Jo Jo Starbuck, and Joe Namath/Ann-Freaking-Margret. Namath wins.
• Less than 3:00 before the half, the score is 17-0, Cardinals. Booth guest Charles Barkely thinks the Bears can still win it. Tony "My First Combover" Kornheiser thinks he's out of his mind. I realize that I'm beginning to hate Tony Kornheiser. He strikes me as a know-it-all weisenheimer who isn't nearly as funny or clever as he thinks he is. And I can't stand looking at him. Get a decent haircut already!
• Leinart, wired for sound: "Are you ready for some footBAAALLLL?" I'm ready for you to shut the hell up, is what I'm ready for.
• Even though they make a turnover within twenty yards of their own goal, the Cardinals are kept from making another touchdown by both the Bears and a heaping portion of their own incompetence. They have to make do with a field goal. The score is 20-0.
• Barkley (a Cardinals fan): "I'm gonna make a prediction. Twenty ain't gonna be enough to win this game." Kornheiser is graciously indulgent with the poor, deluded Barkely.
• Third quarter: Scott Player gets knocked down by a Bear and briefly assumes the pose of an Odalisque before getting back up again. Quit showboating your ass, Player! And lose the dork helmet!
• With two seconds left in the third quarter, the Bears make their first touchdown. With the extra point and a previous field goal, the score is 23-10, Cardinals.
• According to an announcer, Cardinals #32 Edgerrin James went to his managers and insisted the team be given black shoes instead of white shoes. (Unless they're playing before Labor Day.)
• Fourth quarter: Cardinals #25 Eric Green tackles Bears #87 Mushin Muhammad by smashing into him from behind (what are you snickering at?) and the instant replay has a beautiful slow-mo view of the two of them falling on their asses at the exact same time.
• Fourth: the Cardinals intercept a pass at the start of a play. #90 Darnell Dockett gets the ball and is immediately sacked, but he manages to land on top of Bears #81 Rashied Davis, pops back up and takes off down the field seventy yards for a touchdown. He picks up an entourage of five more Cardinals before he makes it to the end zone, the bizarre spectacle looking for all the world like the finale of "The Music Man" -- but it turns out most of the Bears weren't all that keen on chasing after him because they saw his knee had touched the ground. The Bears make a challenge. Touchdown denied!
• Bears #54 Brian Urlacher scoops up the ball after teammate Charles Tillman pulls the ball away from the Edgerrin (Edward G. Robinson voice: "Where's your black shoes now? Myah!") and the Bears get another touchdown and the extra point, so the score becomes 23-17, Cardinals.
• A Bears fan in the stands has a big glowing neon circle on his chest. I bet he models for Ethan Van Sciver.
• With 2:58 left on the clock, an astounding 82-yard punt reception by Bears #23 Devin Hester ties the game. Chicago makes the extra point, but of course. Note to self: ask Charles Barkley for some good stock tips.

Ben There, Won That

Today I watched the Chiefs/Steelers game. Since those are the two teams I decided to follow at the start of the season, I had mixed emotions. By dint of location I'm obliged to be a Chiefs booster but I really like the Steelers. So I'm happy that Pittsburgh flattened KC, cartoon steamroller-style, 45-7. But at the same time I'm a little bummed out. Oh, and there won't be many comments about the announcers because Dan Dierdorf and Greg Gumbel were pretty straightforward and serious, and there won't be any comments about wacky fans because the Pittsburgh fans carried themselves with relative comportment. It was probably too cold for body-painting.

• The Titans/Redskins game ran long so CBS didn't switch over to the Steelers/Chiefs matchup until well into the first quarter, by which time the Steelers were already ahead by seven points. Which was on their first possession. According to one of the announcers (much later) this sealed up the win for them. Well hell, just turn off the lights and send everybody home already. I'm sure Ronnie Cruz would have appreciated that.
• The announcers described the dynamic between the two teams as "Blitzburgh vs. L.J." BLITZburgh? That RAWKS! Speaking for myself, I grew up in "MAULstead." (It was brutal!)
• First quarter: Steelers #97 Arnold "Plan C" Harrison tackles LJ himself, which is pretty good considering he's actually subbing for the injured James Harrison, who was the backup for Joey Porter, who's out with a "high ankle sprain." (Tripped over a bong!)
• With 0:50 left in the first quarter, the Steelers' Big Ben Roethlisberger makes his first touchdown pass of the season. Sweet!
• Second quarter: Steelers #39 Willy Parker has the ball and is making a heckuva run for it when he suddenly slips and falls, breaking a heel, and then Leatherface catches up with him but CBS cuts to a commercial before we can see what happens next.
• Big Ben enjoyed some big, beautiful pockets today. I swear, one of them was so big he probably could have eaten a sub sandwich and finished it off with a Big Gulp before he had to get rid of the ball.
• Here's a good example of how lost KC's defense was: in the second quarter, the Steelers' Najeh Davenport only had to avoid a single KC player and then he was flying down the field at a million miles an hour for a forty-eight yard gain, and it took KC defensive end Jared "Barry" Allen to finally tackle him. Considering the distance Allen had to travel to accomplish this I'm surprised he didn't arrive covered in FedEx stickers.
• Third quarter: LJ "tackles" Steelers #43 Troy Polamalu by grabbing a fistful of Polamalu's pretty, pretty "Jill Thompson character" hair and dragging him to the ground. Which it turns out is perfectly legal -- but after a near-scuffle between both teams and some frantic discussion by the refs, KC earns a fifteen-yard penalty for LJ's "unsportsmanlike conduct." The announcers explain shortly afterwards that it wasn't for the hair-pulling -- and good luck tackling Polamalu without touching his hair, I guess! -- but for "taunting." Maybe the fact that Johnson still had his fist tangled in Polamalu's locks when both men had gotten back off the ground has something to do with it. I saw that and I thought "Jeezum, let go already!"
• A chart detailing the eating schedule of the Steelers' Ryan Clark reveals he has a "second dinner" at 10:30 P.M. Apparently his nutritionist is Pippin Took.
• Steelers coach Bill Cowher must be practicing his napkin-folding skills, because when he'd throw a flag on a play it looked like an origami swan.
• With 1:12 left to go in the fourth quarter, the Chiefs' Ronnie Cruz is laid out with a knee injury. So he's spread out on the grass, the various doctors are hovering over him, they've brought out the cart since apparently he doesn't think he can make it off the field under his own power, and then... "Love In An Elevator" starts blasting over the speakers. Oh, for--! Wasn't the man in enough pain?

Muddy Night Football

Holy shit, do I really look like that?! Yikes. Er, anyhow, I watched the Denver/Baltimore matchup on ESPN's Monday Night Football. Which, judging by the opening credits, takes place in Dark City. Are ya ready for some tuning? With no previous emotional or intellectual investment in either team I decided to root for the Broncos because I kind of hate the Ravens logo. I suppose they were going for something old-school but to me it just reeks of manufactured nostalgia, and it's just plain ugly to boot.

• The show began on a titillating note, as a drop of water on the camera lens had me convinced for a half-second that they were blurring out someone doing something mind-bendingly obscene on the football field.
• And then it was time for that godawful Hank Williams Jr. production number, which I swear to God gets longer every single week. And of course, one of the announcers says "Can you hear that and not hit the 'up' arrow on the volume?" Which cracked me up since I'd just fast-forwarded through it.
• Nice twelve-yard return by Broncos #27 Darrent Williams (Jr.! HEEYAH!!!) with some awesome zig-zagging footwork. In fact, if you measured it by how much ground he covered, it was more like a seventy-yard return!
• Since it was 39 degrees and raining, the Broncos cheerleaders were covered head-to-toe and their wearing parkas and baseball caps. With the sex appeal removed, they just looked like they were a mob of ladies waiting to pick up their kids at school, and just by some strange coincidence, they had all had gotten drunk beforehand and started dancin' around.
• Broncos QB Jake Plummer's headshot looks like a yearbook photo... from a penitentiary.
• Tony Kornheiser to special guest James "Desperate Housewives" Denton: "I'm under the impression that people watch this show for the hot women! Who, exactly, is watching for you?" That question is ignorant on so many different levels it's actually kind of impressive. It's like a tirimisu of stupidity.
• I'm pretty sure Darrent Williams got the design for the sides of his haircut from the back of a McDonalds placemat.
• 3rd quarter, Broncos #24 Champ Bailey intercepted a touchdown pass. Sweet!
• Michelle Tafoya was dressed sensibly this time, but her compatriot Suzy Kolber was attired in a jacket that made her look like she was in the middle of transforming into a My Little Pony.
• Announcer: "[Baltimore's] Clayton catches, and goes down very quickly!" Well, that's one way to become popular.
• One ref seems to be wearing an onion on his belt. ("...which was the style at the time..." - Grampa Simpson)
• With the constant rain, the players were slipping and sliding all over the field, the funniest instance being when the Ravens' B.J. Sams caught the ball and the mere impact of it caused him to fall on his ass before he could even take one step forward.
• The game was tied 3-3 from halftime up until 1:55 left in the fourth quarter, when Denver finally made a touchdown, and then the extra point. So that decided it, 13-3. Just to rub it in, they intercepted the ball back from Baltimore with about half a minute left. It was an exciting game! I laughed, I cried, it became a part of me.

My Most Disjointed Football Post Yet

Jeremy here again. I got the scanner to work, so woo-hoo! Oh, and Blockade Boy showed up around dinnertime (like usual), covered in dust and stinking of rawhide, mesquite, sasparilla, pomade, and exotic massage oils. As a souvenir of his trip, he brought me a picture... of himself. I guess he'll post it tonight (late) which is also when he'll tell everybody about a "very, very slight" format change for the blog "which kind of already happened, months ago, really" whatever the hell that means but at least it doesn't sound worrisome. I'll find out what it is with the rest of you! Right now, BB is wolfing down baked beans, right out of the pot, with a big wooden spoon. And it's 6:30 in the morning! Gross. He never used to do that before. Huh. Why, it's almost as bad as the time he came back from Asgard craving salted cod.

...So, how 'bout that football game last night? (That's the kind of thing I can say to my coworkers now. And do. Even on Wednesdays!) Yesterday I was faced with one of those "wisdom of Solomon" dilemmas because the Chiefs and the Steelers were playing at the same time on different channels and I only really have time to watch one whole game. I chose the Chiefs since I'm apparently morally obliged to be a Chiefs fan, if you ask anybody in this state. I recorded it (in hi-def) so's I could watch it in the evening. So you can imagine my surprise and slight nausea when it turned out to be the Jets-Jaguars matchup instead. Oh, the "info" button on the remote still told me it was the Chiefs game but that sure as hell wasn't what I was seeing. It wouldn't have been so bad if I'd at least given a crap about either team.

My notes:

• Ref Tony Corrente needs to join "Toastmasters" so he can get better at public speaking. He just doesn't have any conviction. Sorry, Tony, but the way you said it, I'm just not buying that #95 was offsides.
• Bizarrely random comment from Dick Enberg (is he always like this?) on Jaguars #27, Rashean Mathis: "...With a long hair-do and... one of the outstanding players in the league." That's not edited. He really did put a Shatner-esque pause after "and."
• The Jaguars' Brian Williams' interception in the first quarter made me holler "YEAH!!!" and crystalized which team I wanted to root for. Um, the Jaguars, that is.
• That Meester guy on the Jaguars (#63) has a serious case of Dan Spiegle face: double chin, fleshy lips, teensy eyeballs and strait, bushy brows. Also known as George Tuska Syndrome, this facial deformity afflicts two in five NFL players.
• Enberg on Jaguars #32, Maurice Drew-Jones: "Only 5'7 but weighs 210. We asked him, "How big are those thighs?" He said, "about 40 each." I'm 5'8 and I used to be close to 210 pounds but I sure didn't carry the extra poundage in my thighs. Mainly my belly and my ass.
• Always an easy source of gay inuendo, that NFL: in the first quarter the viewers were treated to a rear view of the Jaguars defensive line, all crouched down with their asses in the air, and bing-bang-bong, red, numbered circles appeared over three select posteriors. Announcer Randy Cross: "Here's three... tight ends." (He learned all about nonsensical pausing from Enberg.)

Near the end of the first quarter, the recording suddenly switched over the the start of the second quarter in the Chiefs game. Only it wasn't in hi-def. "My team," the Jaguars, had been leading the Jets 14-0. Now my team, the Chiefs, was trailing the Cardinals 0-14. WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?!

• A retrospective of 1st career starts for Hall of Fame quarterbacks elicits this comment about Dan Marino: "And Dan had a tremendous head of hair as well!" What is it with NFL announcers and hair?
• Sidelined with a hamstring injury: the Cardinals' #11, Larry "The Wreck Of The Edmund" Fitzgerald.
• 2nd quarter: receiving a pass from Huard, Parker pretty much hurls himself backwards, into the waiting arms of professional ballroom dancer Louis van Amstel, and the two perform a simply electrifying cha-cha to "Do You Believe In Love" by Huey Louis and the News. Judge Carrie Anne Inaba gives them a 10! Okay, so I made some of that up.
• Note to the Cardinals player who tackled Dante Hall in the second quarter. Okay, he's flat against the ground and the refs have been blowing their whistles for like a minute now. Slide your ponderous bulk off the poor guy already. Seriously. You're practically teabagging the dumb S.O.B.
• Near the end of the 2nd quarter, Larry Johnson fumbles the ball while being tackled by a slew of Cardinals. Announcer on the play: "It will be reviewed." I give it "two thumbs down."
• Spotted on the sidelines on the Cardinals staff: Flea, of the Red Hot Chili Peppers! Or maybe it's some other short, gaunt, bug-eyed guy with angry pointy eyebrows and my haircut.
• Nice synchronized tumbling from the Chiefs' Kennison and the Cardinals' Green when they both dive for the same ball. Maybe they'll break out some ribbon dancing next.
• Cool "first": KC's Jeff Webb made a 50-yard kick return in the first time he's had his hands on a football in the NFL. Jeezum Pete, you'd at least think they'd let him practice with a real football. What'd he use before? A wad of newspaper held together with duct tape?
• Also cool: the longest reception of Larry Johnson's career, right before he almost got his entire head ripped off his body. Facemask penalty ahoy!
• KC squeaked out a win thanks to Tynes' late fourth-quarter field goal and also thanks to the crummy failed field goal attempt by the Cardinals kicker, y'know the one, the guy with the Slavic eyebrows who looks like he must have to shave three times a day (and that's just his balls). So it was KC over Arizona, 23-20. There were some serious problems with this game. For one thing, the football must have been extra-slippery because everybody kept dropping it. My solution: coat in in hairspray! Also, just about every play had a flag thrown on it. Sometimes two. Or even three! (I'm not sure how that last one happened. It might have just been a kicky neckerchief.) My solution: take away their flags! Flags should be a privilege, not a right. If they want to overuse their flag, we'll just see how they like it when they don't have any flags at all! In fact, send the refs home! Who needs 'em? We'll settle all disputes through armwrestling. That way there's no loss of action when a play is called into question. Or maybe they could just rig up all the stadium seats with "yes" and "no" buttons. Yeah, that'd work.

Booting Up...

Jeremy here! I got my computer back from Wherever and it's working! I'll spare you all the boring details, except to say when I phoned the service center last Tuesday to check on it, the guy had the gall to tell me that if I didn't have my warranty the repairs would have cost me around $350.00. And then he tried to sell me an extended warranty. Hey, here's a tip, pal: don't make me go to Hell and back trying to get my computer repaired a mere four months after I bought the damn thing and then act like you're doing me a favor by not charging me. (Needless to say, I didn't take him up on the extended warranty offer.)

Yesterday I was cleaning my apartment and under one of the love seat cushions I found a 150-year-old letter from Blockade Boy informing me he'd be returning from the Old West sometime today. Why, it's almost like he knew all along my computer would crash and that he'd have all this extra time on his hands! And then he somehow arranged for a letter to wind up in a love seat that was manufactured within the last year. No small feat, especially considering he wrote that letter in an alternate universe! The DC one, to be precise. Here's an excerpt:

The people of the DC Universe Old West are a fun bunch, although with my sweet-ass Donegal beard they keep mistaking me for an especially flamboyant Quaker. Last week I traded hair care tips with Hawk, Son of Tomahawk. Turns out natural dyes like beet root are just the thing for a fun, temporary new look. I beat him in a poker game, and one of the things I won off him was this killer little manny-pack. Hand-tooled leather and simply dripping with beads and fringe. I'm saving it for a special occasion. The other thing I won... well it wasn't exactly an object but let's just say he'll have to ride side-saddle for the next couple of weeks. Oh, and the other night I had a walk-off with Bat Lash. Girl can work it.

On the artistic side, I've been working on redesigns for the Legion of Substitute Heroes and various Legion Rejects. I've even found a way for Polecat to look good! (One word: pants.) Still kind of stumped about Double Header. Maybe just a burqa for him. And I'm also readying the first installment of the New Teen Titans/Fearsome Five moral reversal challenge: Nightwing/Shimmer. Plus, I've got Rescue Me redesigns for Titania, Commander Kraken, and the Wrench all worked out. I should be able to start posting some of this stuff within the next week. Not day after day, mind you, but still.

Wow! Sounds like he's been a busy little bee. Now I just have to get my scanner software working properly. (Don't worry. I'm on it.)

Now... are you ready for some (of last week's) football? As seen by someone barely familiar with the sport? Well, too bad, 'cause I'm posting about it anyway.

10/1: I watched the Chiefs/49ers game. As a Kansan I'm somehow required to be a Chiefs fan, but I don't mind. Especially when they crush SF 41-0. My observations:

• Looking at the mugshots -- er, headshots of KC's defensive line, I'm pretty sure their heads were all warped horizontally by Kai's SuperGOO. Somebody on the production staff has a cruel sense of humor.
• An announcer, quoting SF's Jeff Ulbrich on his team's linebackers: "When they see a hole, they have to hit it up in the hole." Oh, I have a filthy, filthy mind.
• Remember those shiny leggings designed by Jeffrey Sebelia in the "Black & White" challenge on Project Runway? A lot of the players appeared to be wearing those... on their arms. Still fit, though.
• The crowd noise in Arrowhead Stadium was like listening to a jet taking off, so it made it hard for the players to hear the refs' whistles. Which led to that great moment in the first quarter when a Chiefs player knocked the ball loose from a 49ers player's hands, creating a mad, confused scramble that ended with a Chiefs player wandering around, holding the ball out from his chest like he's just won an icecream cake at a raffle but he can't eat it because he's allergic to dairy.
• An instant replay at the end of the first quarter began with a row of cheerleaders in the upper portion of the frame, with everything above their crotches cropped out. Special guest cameraman: Howard Chaykin!
• A freaky moment in the second quarter: the Chiefs' Derek Johnson basically twirls the 49ers' Alex Smith down at the 40 yard line... horizontally. When Smith hit the ground it looked like he'd been put on a rotisserie.
• 49ers kicker Andy Lee looks like the love child of Gareth Keenan and Dwight Schrute.
• Remember at the start of the third quarter when SF's Maurice Hicks fumbled the ball after a fifty-three yard return, and KC's Jared Page recovered it? I just about lost my mind, I was so pumped about that. It felt like I was personally responsible! And I was just sitting on my ass eating a pizza!
• Commentator Chris Myers on the Chiefs' Trent "My Brain Hurts" Green: "Said he tired of sitting around at home, wrote up some plays and gave them to Herm Edwards and offensive coordinator Mike Solari and they told him 'These are actually crayon drawings of you riding a unicorn. Why don't you go back home and just stay there for a few more weeks? 'Kay? Bye.'" Alright, so part of that quote may have been fabricated.
• How sweet was that sixty-yard put return made by Dante Hall in the fourth quarter? I have no wiseass remark here; I just thought it was hella cool.

10/2: The Eagles beat the Packers, 31-9. I wasn't rooting for either team especially, but my early sympathies were with the Eagles, since they have that nice soup-loving Donovan McNabb. Plus he had to prove he could still lead his team to victory without the controversial T.O. Morrow or whoever that was. Although I later felt kind of bad for the Packers' Bret "The Grizzled Old Prospector" Favre. He's a sassy senior! Now, get off the field, wipe the excess Ensure off your lips, turn off your blinkers for God's sake and finish filling out this AARP form. Some additional thoughts:

• Somebody was actually paid money to make Tony Kornheiser's hair look that way. Try wrapping your mind around that.
• Spotted in the stands: the Hulk's evil future identity, the Maestro! (Bulky guy with a bald green head and a massive white beard. Pretty disturbing, really.)
• Green Bay's fifty-four yard field goal in the second quarter: effing sweet.
• Not precisely football related (not that it's ever stopped me before) but I really have to get this one off my chest: judging from their commercials, Bud Light's key demographic is dull-witted, smarmy asswipes, ages 18-34.
• Michelle Tafoya's jacket was handcrafted from the skin of Ernie from Sesame Street.
• I did not know they were allowed to do that: in the third quarter, Donovan McNabb slid to the thirty yard line. Then he checked Bret Favre into the boards, slam-dunked the football over the goal (nothing but net!) and drove off the field in a stock car.
• One of the announcers -- the scratchy-voiced one, Theisman maybe? -- on Brian Dawkins: "[He] becomes Weapon X when he gets on the football field." I have to wonder if he even knew he was referring to an X-Men concept when he said that. Or maybe Dawkins really does slash at opposing players with adamantium claws while wearing a big chrome hairdryer with telephone cords sticking out of it.
• Missed the ironic contrast by this much: an announcer said "The Eagles suddenly look very healthy in this game" about three seconds after the camera cut away from a mob of morbidly obese fans.
• Oh, so that's a "pump fake", Steven: McNabb's "the hell with it, I'll just run the damn ball myself" maneuver at the start of the fourth quarter.

Well, that's enough babbling from me. I have to work on the scanner thing. I don't anticipate any problems. And I guarantee there will be weekday posting for the foreseeable future. Hooray!

Does Not Compute

Hey. Jeremy here. *dolefully* How's it goin'? *wan, Gwyneth Paltrow-esque smile*

My computer is still a useless lump of metal. The "official" recovery disks arrived two days earlier than the manufacturer's service folk said it would. Yay! These disks encountered the exact same error screen that my own recovery disks did. Boo! The manufacturer's solution? Send more recovery disks! I told them NO. They reassured me that these new, new disks would be at no charge! Sorry, still NO. It took several more phone calls to talk to somebody in the hardware support department. And it took two more phone calls after I was promised that would happen for them to actually transfer me. See, every time I called I would up with a different person, each of whom would ask for my case number, allegedly review the case, and then ask me to try some "fix" that two or more previous people had asked me to try. And then they'd have me run some kind of test that would take about two hours and then I'd have to call back. And I'd get somebody else. And even though I'd say I'd been promised a chance to talk to somebody in hardware they'd put me off (as in "Yes, but have you tried doing THIS?") or they'd just flat-out ignore me. Criminy. The hardware guy actually had way more on the ball than all the other service people, and he had me run some more (lengthy, excruciating) tests that told him my hard drive was fine but my motherboard was effed up. Which means it has to be replaced. So now I have to send my computer to God Knows Where using a prepaid box that they've promised to send me... and which hasn't arrived yet. But I can keep track of it on their website! Only there's no tracking number yet. Even though it supposedly shipped out last Friday. Unfortunately I can access their website on my work computer but Blogger is blocked. (Wise move!) And I don't have any friends in town who'd be willing to let me monopolize their computer for several hours a night. Go figure. Anyway, this whiny tirade is just meant to explain why I haven't been able to post in a while and why I probably won't be able to post again very soon. Dang it.

So, no Blockade Boy for the foreseeable future. He's vacationing in the Old West, or so his note says. But that doesn't mean this post is all self-pity and excuses! Are you ready for some football... commentary? Well too bad, 'cause here it is anyway.

Last Sunday I watched the Steelers-Bengals game. The Steelers is one of the two teams I'm rooting for, so this was another opportunity to tear my hair out in frustration. (The Bengals won by 8 points.)

• Pre-game trash talk from a Steeler's player (#55, didn't catch the name): "I ain't never had a problem with a bagel!" That last word is [sic], naturally. Sure sounded like "bagel" though.
• Note to self: to express frustration without saying a word, merely undo your chinstrap.
• Other note to self: purchase a chinstrap.
• With 3 seconds left before the half, according to the announcers, "Chad Johnson's going in early." Probably to touch up his roots.
• 3rd quarter: Steelers incurred a fifteen-yard penalty for "double celebration." I think I ordered that once at a Chinese restaurant.
• The announcers on Big Ben (I call him that now because we're like this) and how he throws the ball: "It doesn't come out of his hand real clean." *insert filthy joke here*
• Actual plays? I though the Steelers' reverse play in the 1st quarter was pretty cool, and also that time in the 3rd quarter when the Steelers' James Harrison managed to hold the Bengals drive to the 14-yard line. Wasn't too fond of the Steelers' Colclough bobbling a catch and then kicking the damn ball away from himself when he tried to fall on it. (Yeah, like I could do better!)

And then last night I watch the Saints pretty much destroy the Falcons, 23-3.

• An announcer on the Falcons' Michael Vick: "When he enjoys himself, we enjoy watching him!" Football, the sport of voyeurs! Also, ew.
• The Star Spangled Banner was stirring. So was the imagery of a waving American flag on those cool wraparound screens. The flag would have been even more inspiring had it not been bracketed by Budweiser ads.
• Note to self: to express happiness without saying a word, point in a random direction, swing arm around about 35 degrees, waggle my finger, and high-step like a high school drum major.
• I'm pretty sure one of the guys in the stands was also in the HBO documentary "Smashed: Toxic Tales of Teens and Alcohol." I'm glad the coma didn't stick, dude! Woo! Now put down the beer before you kill somebody.
• I'm kind of blown away by the fact that the Falcons' #5, Morten Andersen, is forty-six. Oldest player in the NFL since 1975! I'm thirty-seven, so I still have nine years to get my NFL career on track. Go, me!
• According to the text on the screen, ref Ed Honchuli is in his "17th year in NFL (15th as referee)". The first two years? Towel boy. Also, for somebody that old and leathery-faced, Ed spends some serious time in the gym. I guess that's so no angry fans try to mess with him. Me, I'd just make do with a can of mace and a rape whistle.
• Among about thirty bajillion ESPN anagram signs in the stands: "Excellence + Sean Payton = New Orleans." And lets not forget his little brother, rookie Eli Payton! ... What?!
• I didn't have a horse in the race, so to speak, so while I'm glad for the beleagured people of New Orleans that the Saints won I also feel kinda sorry for the Falcons. Especially Michael Vick. I really wanted to enjoy watching him enjoying himself.

Well, God only knows when my computer will be fixed but I'll still try to check in on Tuesdays until I can get things up and running full time. Have a good one, guys! I miss you!

Fashion No-Show!

That's me, Blockade Boy, since Jeremy's computer crashed on Monday morning. The big fancy computer company's service center blames Jeremy for not creating his recovery disks soon enough. So they're charging him for shipping out new ones, which probably won't get here until Friday. Probably because they're coming from India. No, seriously. Maybe. This is my last chance until then to work on an internet-capable computer (don't ask) so I wanted to just say "Sorry about the delay." I had a nice little post planned with red carpet coverage of a Dazzler concert, featuring the return of a superheroine outfit nobody wanted to see again. It'll have to wait, now. And I'd like to give an especially sincere "sorry" to Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator because that e-mail you sent me got destroyed in the crash with everything else and I had only skimmed it before that happened. So I'll need you to send it to me again after the computer is fixed. (Dang it.) Sorry. I'll let everyone here know as soon as we get things back up and running. So, no pictures today. As a kind-of consolation prize, I now turn things over to Jeremy the Football Newbie and his coverage of Monday night's Steelers/Jaguars game. Rock it, J-Man!

Thanks, Blockade Boy. I had decided at the start of the season to root for the Chiefs and the Steelers so last night was freaking horrible. The Jaguars stomped the Steelers 9-0, making it the lowest-scoring game in the history of Monday Night Football. If I understood the announcers right, it was also the first time the previous season's Super Bowl champs were shut out since the Raiders in 1981 (it happened to them three times that year! What, did the entire team contract Epstein-Barr Syndrome over the summer?) Still, it was cool to see Ben Roethlisberger in action (first time, for me) -- impressive even though he was playing with a 104-degree fever! Some random notes:

• According to the announcers, the game drew a "sellout crowd!" Yeah, I liked that crowd a lot better before they went all commercial. The phonies.
• Thank you, NFL, for showing me why comic book artist are still designing superheroine costumes with out-of-fashion belly shirts. It's because all the cheerleaders are wearing them.
• Playing left tackle for the Steelers was #77, Marvel Smith. Sidelined: Valiant Juarez, Fantagraphics Davidovich and Kitchen Sink Kaufman, as well as twins Red Circle and Impact Al-Bashir. (Now there's an obscure reference!)
• In the first quarter, ESPN showed a detailed graphic of Roethlisberger's inflamed intestine. Three months from now it will be swiped by Greg Horn for a She-Hulk cover.
• The announcers said Jaguars' #18 Matt Jones has "a five-inch advantage" over Steelers' #24 Ike Taylor. I know sports fans love their stats but isn't that kinda personal?
• Nobody commented on the fact that one of the refs was wearing the Living Eraser's bracelets on his hands. Nor did the fact that the silvery robot doomsday device from that old Star Trek episode was flying ominously over the field.
• On a sign held aloft by a Jaguars fan: "Every Steelers Possession Nullified." My visceral reaction: "How dare you, good sir! *slaps fan with white linen glove* We shall meet on the field of honor. Pistols at dawn!" On the other hand, maybe the fan was a Catholic priest and he was just being helpful.
• Other signs spotted by the camera at the end of the game: "Every Steelers Player's Nightmare" and "wE Spare Pittsburgh No pain." Damn, my dueling schedule is going to be packed. Just as well. It's not like I'm going to be doing any posting for the next few days. *grumbles*

Wish me luck with the computer, pals, and I'll post again as soon as it's fixed!

Hey, Nerds! Football!

Hi, guys! It's me, Jeremy, the football newbie. I didn't think it would make any sense for me to barge into Lance's post so I'm doing the football commentary separately. Yesterday I watched the Denver-Kansas City game. It was another close one. Tied 6-6 at the end of the fourth quarter, and the Broncos finally won with a field goal in overtime. I was pissed. (Hey, I am turning into a football fan! If a team I like wins next time, maybe I'll vandalize something. Or overturn a police car.) Some thoughts I scribbled down as I was watching:

• According to the commentators, the Broncos had "too many turnovers last week." Yeah, me too. Too many delicious, piping-hot apple turnovers with cream cheese icing. My lower intestine was like a Play-Doh Fun Factory.
• In the first quarter, KC managed to fumble the ball less than ten yards from the goal line and Denver grabbed it away from then. It was the most frustrating moment of the game for me. Until the second quarter, that is, when Denver took the ball away from KC when it was one foot from the goal line. Gah! And then, of course, overtime. *weakly shakes fist in the general direction of Denver*
• KC's fill-in QB Damon Huard spent 2121 days between starts. That's enough time for Kevin Smith to write two whole comic book scripts!
• I just noticed, when football players pull their helmets up and back and let them just kind of squat atop their heads like big inflated berets... that'd be a good look for Maximus the Mad.
• Second quarter, actual quotes from the announcers: "Smith is down!" "But the ball... squirts out at the end." Sounds like somebody forgot to wear a cup!
• In the third quarter, KC's Huard passed to Kennison, and Denver's Ferguson managed to push him out of bounds after essentially waltzing with him for about ten yards. It was freaky. They just twirled around and around for what felt like forever. I kept waiting for Bruno Tonioli to say something.

Clark Svent

I hear he used to play for the Vikings! From "Thor" #373 (November, 1986) it's the Thunder God's "secret identity," Sigurd Jarlson. Really, Odinson? That's the best you could come up with for a name? How 'bout Lars Kent? Bror Wayne? Hal Jurgens? Dierk Grayson? Jansen Storm, which gets bonus points for use of the word "storm"? Mike Hammer? No, wait, wait... I got it! Chuck Norse!

This is a very simple look for Thor. It was 1986, so I think he really could have worked a cream-colored Italian suit with a sky-blue t-shirt and some nice Nordic-themed silver jewelry. For a slight edge, I'd match it up with some alligator-skin boots. I'd also either keep the hair in the ponytail but slick the whole thing down with something appropriately greasy, or undo the ponytail and fluff the hair up into a perfectly 80's mane. He'd look just like those brawny, monosyllabic characters who work as bodyguards for the drug-dealing bad guys in 80's action films. Still, I suppose Thor is trying to not stick out of a crowd so the plainclothes thing is a good idea. Although I feel sorry for anybody who tries to help him with that duffel bag. 'Cause it has Mjolnir inside it! "Jeebus, Sigurd, what do you got in this thing? An anvil? I can't even pick it up!" "That's because thou be not worthy, mortal-- er, I mean, don't sweat it, buddy! I'll take the bag, you grab us a couple a' cold ones!" Which reminds me: apparently Thor can talk like a normal human being when he sets his mind to it. (I always knew he was a poser.)

Let's go to a close-up, shall we?



Yikes. I think he might need to cut back on the cortisone injections. Or the cheese fries. Say, fellas, here's some fashion advice I think you might find helpful: if you want to avoid a case of "fat face" like ol' Sigurd here (and you're not already fat everywhere else) try not to do all of these things at the same time:

1. Have a large, fluffy hairstyle.
2. Grow a big, bushy beard.
3. Wear enormous, cheek-covering aviator spectacles.
4. Be drawn by Sal Buscema.

In "comics nerd learns to appreciate football" news, Jeremy watched the Vikings/Redskins game. He decided to root for the Vikings since he liked their uniforms better. And they won, barely! Some of the adorable tyke's observations:

• When a Redskins player crumpled to the ground in a non-contact injury at kickoff, he said "That's why you don't wear five-inch stilletto heels in a football game."
• On the news that Minnesota starting safety Dwight Smith had been "deactivated": "Ah, so he's kind of like the Vision... if S.H.I.E.L.D. had caught the Vision doing something indecent to a lady in a stairwell."
• Darren Sharper, with his hyperbaric chamber, invited comparisons to Jack Of Hearts. And neither of us could figure out why the chamber looked like a cross between a sleeping bag and a cartoon race car.
• In the fourth quarter, Washington incurred a five yard penalty for an "incidental facemask." Which is a good description for this thing. Y'know, when the eyeholes are that big it renders the mask completely ineffectual, Schumacher.
• Going by ESPN's preshow graphics, certain players have the ability to glow radioactively and grow to half again their normal height, then shrink back down again, all in a matter of seconds. Jeremy hopes the league is testing their urine for Pym Particles.

NFL = Nice F'n Logo

Here's a funny story about Jeremy: never the sporty type, as a child he once tried watching a football game with his older brothers and was soundly laughed out of the room after he complimented one of the teams on their "nice costumes." Haw! What a jerk!

Here's another funny story about Jeremy: at the tender age of thirty-seven he's decided to become a football fan. Why? Because he wants to be able to talk about something else besides comic books and Broadway musicals. So why football? Because it's the most comic-booky of sports, with beefy, chemically-enhanced fellows pounding the living tar out of one another (am I right, Trent Green? Trent? Hello? Aw, don't worry about it; you just rest now.) while covered practically head-to-toe in colorful costu- er, uniforms. And he appreciates the strategy element of it, which apparently reminds him a little of "Vandal Hearts" on the PS1 from back in his gamer days. Although football players don't typically burst into noisy fountains of blood when they get sacked. ("SPSSHHH!!!")

Jeremy's tried this kind of thing before, by the way. His efforts in past seasons usually consisted of buying a "season preview" magazine in August, never reading it, and feeling vaguely guilty the rest of the year. Last season he made a decent start but within a few weeks he started to feel overwhelmed by all the teams and facts to keep track of and he gave up. He thought he'd try to go with baseball this summer but he lost interest pretty quickly. (Remember that A-Rod reference I made a few months ago? We haven't watched a single baseball game since then.) But this football season, or so he says, he really, really means it. I believe him. He seems pretty darned enthused about the whole deal. And to avoid burnout, he's going to concentrate on following just a few teams: right now it's the Kansas City Chiefs (because if you're a Kansan it's the closest thing to a "home team", which is kind of sad) and the second one is the Steelers, I think because he liked watching Bill Cowher kiss that one guy. Also, he's going to completely ignore college football because, y'know... baby steps. Someday, for sure, but not right now. And he seems to really enjoy the hell out of watching football games, like the Chief/Bengals match-up yesterday afternoon. And here's another example of how serious he is: he recorded the game before he watched it, and he made the mistake of reading the ticker during the Panthers/Falcons game and saw the Chiefs were down by seventeen points, and yet he still watched the game anyhow. The Chiefs still wound up losing, but at least it was only by thirteen points. That's something, I guess. Anyway, you should see him, hunched on the loveseat, armed with the "pause" button on his remote and his copy of Howie Long's "Football For Dummies", deciphering the abbreviations and initials and such that flash on the screen. He's like the Jane Goodall of gay comics nerds. And I've decided to help the l'il fella out. He'll watch at least one game in its entirety every day that they're telecast and on the following day's blog I'll post any comics-related football comments he made (plus anything else he said that I found amusing.) It connects football to an interest he already harbors. And the very best part? You, my wonderful audience, will know if he didn't watch any games on a particular day, because I won't have anything new to post. And then you all can give him hell. So here's the first installment...

• From what Jeremy understands from watching SportsCenter, apparently Terrell Owens and the Eagles were like Mento and the Doom Patrol, but the Cowboys say he's now like Hawkeye and the Avengers. Except for the "blowing up" part.
• Jeremy tells me the Tennessee Titans mascot is a raccoon (the hell?!) while the New Teen Titans' mascot was a kid who could turn into a raccoon.
• From the Chiefs/Bengals game yesterday: one of the announcers started to say a certain doctor had repaired "Carson's Palmer" but he caught himself at the last minute. Which prompted Jeremy to say that the same doctor had "enlarged Larry's Johnson." *cricket noises* ...Well, I liked it.

But where is the fashion, you ask? Right here! I couldn't help but notice that a lot of NFL logos would look perfectly smashing on various superheroes. For instance, the Bengals "B" logo would be great for the Bronze Tiger. Er... is he still alive? The Titans logo is just busy and faddish enough for a loser superhero like Triumph. The Broncos logo would work nicely for the Night Rider (western Ghost Rider guy)... if he wore spandex, that is. See, the horse seems kind of mean, and its mane looks like it's on fire. Spooky! The Chargers logo is a natural for any electrical-based hero, even it it also kind of resembles a big snaggle-toothed frown. The Cowboys logo would work for any of the Starmen or even Night Girl, although I suppose that's a no-brainer. The Bears' big orange "C" would have looked mighty fine on Cluemaster or Catman but they don't quite count as superheroes. Dang. Well, the big apeshit-crazy bear head would have been nice for Ursa Major, if only he wore a costume. Maybe he could put it on a wifebeater or some boxers or something. The Lions? Captain Britain, natch, although that's really a lateral move. Maybe that godawful "Lionheart" guy could use it. Green Bay's "G" is fine for any hero whose name starts with "Green" and it would be a fine team logo for the Global Guardians as well. The Falcons? Le Peregrine, but of course! The Panthers logo is perfect for the Black Panther, (no brainer) but since the symbol is severed at the neck it's just fine for Pantha, too. Any objections, Pantha? *silence* Yeah, I thought not. And the Rams have a great logo for the Olympian, given his connection to the mythical golden fleece, i.e. he's wearing the damn thing.

Alrighty, now it's your turn. What other NFL logo-superhero connections can you make? There are just two rules: the logo can't have a color that clashes with the hero's costume and the logo can't have any lettering that conflicts with the hero's codename (it's why I didn't use the Chiefs logo for Speedy or Arsenal or Arrowette, since it had those big "KC" initials.)

And to help our little Jeremy wrap his brain around the impossible vastness of the NFL, are there any comparisons you can make between the league or its players/managers whatever and comic books? *makes imploring Sally Struthers face* Please, he's counting on you.