Legion of Substitute Costumes: Dynamo Kid

Hey, everybody? Come here. No, closer. Shh, shh... be cool! Be cool! Wait, don't-- Storm Boy's looking. Just act natural. ...Okay, he's gone. Listen, we have to keep the subject of this post under our collective hats. Why? Because today I'm designing a costume for Storm Boy's ex-husband.

Like Storm Boy, Dynamo Kid tried to con his way into Legion membership by hiding a special device on his person. He didn't count on the presence of Saturn Girl and her power of super-symbolic-emasculation!

And as Storm Boy told you, the Kid turned out to be a money-grubbing asswipe, so he probably never had it in him to be a proper hero. Still, it's not unheard of for that type of person to make a go of it. So if Dynamo Kid ever feels a whim to do something selfless, he can start on his heroic journey by purchasing this costume from me:

I took my design cue from that stupid girdle of his and repeated the cylindrical motif elsewhere on his uniform. That's not Pac-Man licking a light socket on his belt... that's the Interlac "D"... and it's about to get killed by a lightning bolt, I guess. Or else it has a really bad headache. I dunno. The belt, gloves, boots and mask all feature ribbing, which conceals the wiring for his electro-shock weaponry. (The mask shocks anybody else who tries to remove it.) Instead of a cape, I went with a scarf, just like one of my "Enchanter" designs, and just like the original version of Ms. Marvel. It's stuck to his shoulders using Colorforms technology, so nobody can cinch it tight and strangle him with it... no matter how much they might wish to! That said, the Kid can peel it off when necessary and use it as a weapon. When a special contact plate on the scarf touches another contact plate in Dynamo Kid's glove, it can be electrified for locker room towel-snapping action! And the scarf provides a loosey-goosey visual element to contrast with the rigidity of the rest of his costume. The colors are faded into one another, to keep him from looking like Marionette of "Micronauts" fame. And the horizontal shape of his punky haircut is mirrored by his sweet tailback goatee. By the way, don't worry about his ears being covered by the mask. Plenty of heroes have covered ears on their cowls, and they hear just fine. So back off, man. ...Sorry. I'm just a little wound-up lately. You understand.

Oh, and speaking of loosey-goosey, I'm experimenting with a freer, more calligraphic inking style. As you can see, I'm not quite there yet. Maybe next time!

Hot Town, Cimmerian In The City (Part Two)

Concluding Conan's time-traveling misadventures from "What If" #13 (February, 1978).

First panel: Conan looks down at the dog and thinks "Hey, dinner!" Also? It's nice to see that even the most jaded, hardened Greenwich Village hipster isn't above wearing a tasteful string of pearls. Hey... wait a minute! Those are my gramma's! Stop! Thief!

Second panel: the mellow musical stylings of GROPE! Honestly, Roy Thomas and John Buscema (Ernie Chua, you're just the inker so I'll leave you out of it) -- "punk rock?" I think not. I'd buy "glam" but in no universe do these pretty boys and their frilly frocks qualify as "punk." And I doubt any punk rocker tried to intimidate a rival with a "double-hex whammy smile." Christ, Conan himself is more "punk" they are.



See?

Anyway, that's what happens when middle-aged folks try to depict a current musical fad, Madonna. Or to put it another way, Grope is the Marvel equivalent of Ernie Bushmiller (of the comic strip "Nancy") drawing any and all hippies with ukuleles and flower necklaces.

Whoa. Looks like the alley cat got to the dog before Conan did! (New York is rough.)



Too bad this story wasn't in-continuity, huh? 'Cause I really wanted to see Conan wearing that beret in, like, every story published after this one, forever. I wanted to see Arnold Schwarzenegger wearing a beret in the Conan movies. I wanted to read Conan novels that described the character as "black-haired, sullen-eyed, sword in hand, a thief, a reaver, a slayer, with gigantic melancholies and gigantic mirth, and a kicky little beret." Is that so much to ask?

I leave you with this piece of advice:



Never offer to help Conan move. He'll be stressed out and drunk and belligerent before you even get there, and to top it off he won't even spring for pizza afterwards. (Conan the Dickweed!)

I Like Bee Belts And I Just Can't Lie: The Red Bee

What's his deal:
D.A. Rick Raleigh fought crime during the early 40's with the aid of trained bees secreted in his belt buckle (first appearance: Hit Comics #1, July 1940). He had no superpowers, but he was a good fighter and detective, plus he had a small, red, armored car with which to tool about. Originally a brunette, he mysteriously became a redhead later on. Just like Lucille Ball! His finest moment: trapped and freezing in a Limbo-like dimension, he scammed Animal Man out of his jacket by pretending to cry (Animal Man #25, July 1990.)


Crimes against fashion:
Mainly? The gauzy, billowing pink sleeves protruding from a turtleneck vest with flared shoulders. And the yellow-and-red striped leggings didn't help matters.

Our meeting:
I was on the hunt for cravats in WW2-era Superior City when I "accidentally" walked into the wrong changing room (broke the lock in the process). There, I discovered the aforementioned godawful costume inside a briefcase (broke the lock in the process). Then Rick himself showed up. Long story short: my face is still a little puffy from all the bee stings, and I promised to make things up to him by redesigning his costume. We met again over drinks in a swanky nightspot.

My presentation:
"Rick, as I've done with all my clients, I've created two different options for you.

"With the first, we butch you up so folks will take you more seriously. The puffy sleeves and turtleneck are gone, replaced with a leather pilot's jacket. It's emblazoned with a bee insignia of my own creation. I made your belt a lot larger, and the buckle is now shaped like the cell of a honeycomb. I downplayed the stripe motif by moving it from your legs onto your boots. I also added gloves with rolled-down cuffs, which are all the rage nowadays. Your old domino mask is a keeper, except I made it blue to balance out all the red. Voila. Now you fit in with all the other mystery men.

"And here's my second option, where we just go nuts.

"Let's face it, pal, your modus operandi is quite frankly bizarre. So why not play into that? You like to wear a turtleneck, Rick? Fine, now it goes up to your nose. You're keen on stripes? Swell, now you're covered in 'em. Check out those pointy pixie toes on the boots! And the big flared gloves! The front of the buckle is made of green tempered glass, just like the goggles. The wings are silk, stetched over intricate metal frames. They're hinged, so that any sudden movement -- like a dramatic jump from rooftop, for instance -- will cause them to flap upward and hang there for a few seconds. The crowning touch? The haircut, which anticipates the punk rock movement by a good thirty-five years. (The what, you ask? Don't worry about it.) Now, this means that in your civilian identity, you'll have to wear a wig. Don't gripe at me; if Supergirl could do it, so can you. (Who's that? Don't worry about it.) The one downside with this outfit: you won't be able to get into it without the help of a second person... or at least a trained bee."

Rick's response:
He muttered something about "mulling it over," made an excuse about running to the men's room, and never returned, sticking me with the check.