Me Am Here!

HI! HI! HI! Me am BLOCKADE TOT! Me am awesome super-baby living on moon! Me am three years old! Me not especially good with personal pronouns! Me am from many many years in PAST! Funny man in purple robe SNATCH me from day-care on moon-colony! Him plop me down here on planet Earth in front of future-self's computer to see what me do because he am avid reader of future-self's blog and him think it BORING right now! Me not know where future-self is but me think me am SWELL REPLACEMENT!

What can me tell you 'bout me? Me like: macaroni and space cheese, rainbows (though me never actually see one), horsies, rubbing mommy's feet. Me hate: moon rover sickness, Winath sprouts, daddy's "friend" Justine. Me have super-power! Me can turn into three-foot by three-foot steel wall! Mommy use me as PET GATE sometimes so old limping half-blind space-terrier Spaat not get into trouble! Me have to stand at top of stairs for HOURS! Sometimes mommy and mommy's friends am in next room playing Cosmic Mah-Jong and drinking Orando Slings until they DRUNK and mommy FORGET about Blockade Tot! Then it morning again and she want feet rubbed and she holler "WHERE AM that damn kid?" And me say "Here mommy! Here!" Then she say "Oops!" and she apologize but me not sure she really mean it! Me think she am kind of SCREWED UP! Me still love her though!

Other name is "Phyl Staad" but that am lame! So me INSIST mommy and daddy and day-care lady and other kids call me Blockade Tot! If mommy and daddy and day-care lady forget well there not much me can do 'bout it! (Mommy say Daddy forget WHOLE BUNCH OF THINGS sometimes! Like where him live and who him married to!) But if KIDS forget then me punch them on arm REAL REAL HARD or me push them down or me grab kids' feet and drag them 'cross gravelly part of playground! Them all learn by now! All except best friend Weight Novice!

Weight Novice am shrimpy kid! Other kids all pick on Weight Novice except him am always hanging around me! That am because me am MUCH BIGGER than other kids! Because me am only kid on whole moon-colony from planet Amadus! That am also why me only kid in day-care with hairy legs!

Weight Novice like to TEASE ME and TEASE ME! Him call me "Phyl" and "Phylbert" and "Phyl-ly Cheese Steak" and "Cum On Phyl the Noize" (which am Amadus planetary anthem) and him NEVER call me "Blockade Tot" and me get SUPER-ANGRY! So me shove him on ground and me just lay on top of him for real long time yelling "Say name! Say name!" until him CRYING! And then me roll off him. And me and him get giggle fit! Ha, ha!

One time Weight Novice make himself super-weightless and him start to float away but me grab Weight Novice's foot with big hairy hand and then me just carry him 'round all day like him am HELIUM BALLOON! That pretty funny too! Weight Novice no longer wear red or yellow or blue no more because me sat him down and TOLD him he not look good in primary colors! So now him only wear purple and orange! Just like me! Me also responsible for Weight Novice getting more flattering haircut! Mommy and Daddy think me spend WAY TOO MUCH TIME over at Weight Novice's house! ME think Mommy and Daddy spend way too much time over by liquor cabinet! Ha, ha!

Funny man in purple robe say this am enough already! Him say me am kind of DOWNER so him am sending me back in time again and also to moon-colony! Me want to STAY and read some of future-self's blog! Like ALREADY me see that someday me have a ROBOTIC DINGUS which me am pretty sure am kind of wild doggie from Australia! So THAT am cool! When me all growed up, me ride robotic dingus every day! Oops! Funny man in purple robe am just shaking head! Him say "Time's up!" This am it! BYE-BYE EVERYBODY! BYE-BYE!

Purple And Orange Make Lame: Blockade Boy

Hello, fashion lovers! Look who got himself a time bubble and a degree in computer hackery! That's absolutely correct... it's me, Storm Boy! You may remember me from Adventure Comics #301, when I tried out for the Legion of Super-Heroes. It, um, didn't go so well.



Oh. MY God. Would you look at my hair? What was I thinking? So yeah, I wasn't allowed entry into their little club, just because I have no natural super-powers. So? B.F.D., Cosmic Boy. (Prick.) I'd invented a machine that allows me to control the very elements themselves but NO, they keep me out and let Bouncing Boy waddle right in. Jerks. Not that I'm still holding a grudge or anything. Anyhow? The whole incident led me to two big decisions: ONE, to devote myself full-time to my first love: EYEGLASS FRAME design! And TWO: to stop bothering with exercise, which freed up more time for eating space donuts.

So then? Some jackass goes and invents anti-gravity lenses, making eyeglass frames obsolete. I'm at my wits end! UNTIL I happen to spot something totally fascinating in the historical archives of the super-hero exhibit in the Space Museum. The following is a panel from the illustrated biography of 20th century hero Mister Terrific, from volume 19 of "Sensation Comics" (July 1943), in the chapter titled "Party Crasher From The Year 3000."



Okay. Even with the primitive coloring techniques? I'd recognize that dye job ANYWHERE. See, this guy I know, a pompous hairball with rage issues, calling himself "Blockade Boy," had disappeared about a year ago and nobody knew where he'd gone. Or cared! Heh. Turns out he'd swiped a Legion time bubble and was traipsing around the multiverse. Well, anything he can design, I can design better. So I invented a device to make myself invisible to Legion security measures, snuck into their dopey clubhouse, slipped behind the controls of a time bubble and HERE I AM!

It turns out a lot of super-folk need my fashion advice, DESPERATELY. And nobody moreso than the guy who begged me for an honest critique of his deep-kissing technique, and then got all pissy and insulted my eyeglasses when I gave him an honest answer. That would be History's Greatest Monster: Blockade Boy. Here we go!

What's his deal:
Blockade Boy is a hulking, square-headed dickweed with gross curly hair on his shoulders and no fashion sense whatsoever. His super-power is nominally the ability to turn into a person-sized steel wall. But if you ask me, his real power is throwing temper tantrums and acting like he's better than everyone else.

Crimes against fashion:



Blockade Boy has a lot of costumes, all of them hideous, but this is his favorite and, coincidentally? The absolute WORST. There's the garish color scheme, the completely pointless "forearm pads" (although he DOES like to get down on all fours, if you know what I mean and I think you do) and the ear warmers. Really, the whole shebang is just a mess.

Our meeting:
The first time I met Blockade Boy was at a fashion show on Mars, sponsered by socialite whore Paris Spiffany. It was standing-room only and we were squeezed right next to each other. We wound up talking, making fun of all the haute couture abortions sashaying down the runway, and I honestly thought he was kind of funny, even if his breath was ripe. I bumped into him later at one of Element Lad's rave parties and Blockade Boy was wearing this kind of see-through tank top which did him no favors if you ask me. I mean, for the love of GOD, man, get yourself some electrolysis! But I was pretty drunk and so was he and the very next thing I know we're making out behind the abandoned android factory in the bad section of town and he gets all mushy and practically sobbing, saying shit like "I just want to please you! If there's anything I'm doing wrong, please tell me!" And like an idiot, I do tell him. In the nicest possible may, mind you, but I had to do something. It was like being french-kissed by a lamprey eel. Seriously. It was just.. ew. Ugh. I hate even thinking about it. And then he gets all indignant and says "Well, your glasses look stupid!" And I'm thinking, "What are you, five?" What the hell EVER, Blockade Boy.

I haven't met him since I got my time bubble, but I've prepared some great new costume designs for him, just in case. It's not for him so much as it is for the general public. Nobody should have to see the crap he likes to wear.

My presentation:
If we meet, I'll say something like this: Blockade Boy, we should let by-gones be by-gones. As a peace offering, here are some costume designs you should really think about wearing.



The first is a nice, simple, classic outfit. Nothing fancy. Not a lot of trim. It has the standard features: heavily insulated diapers, shoulder ruffles and a bubble helmet. Y'know. Business casual. I know how much you're attached to purple and orange, so I kept the color scheme but I muted it somewhat because it's frankly horrid the way it is now. No offense. There's your name right on the front and a little picture of a steel wall. And yes, I suppose it's very reminiscent of designers like Plastino, Papp, and Forte, but that's what makes it so timeless. The next look is very fashion-forward.



Now, this is the latest look where we come from. I saw designs like this at a runway show by Cockrum & Grell. It has a castle motif on the collar and the beltless buckle. (You'll be all set for your hot date with Grimbor the Chainsman!) I think the green will better complement your "natural" red hair *snicker* and it shows a lot of skin, so, y'know. Sex appeal. One thing, you'll have to shave that sheepskin rug you call your chest hair for the whole thing to really work. But it'll be worth it, believe me. Your current goatee is pretty sweet, but the new thing is to grow it longer, let the ends fork, and add a big handlebar moustache. It's quite simply luscious. Not as nice as my fearsome fu-manchu. But still.

Blockade Boy's response:
Who knows, but I can't wait to find out! Hmm. Maybe he'll notice I hacked onto his website and he'll post something. Here's hoping!