Gown Syndrome

In "The Incredible Hulk" #262 (August, 1981) Bruce Banner washes up on a Malibu beach, clad only in his trademark tattered purple slacks. He's resuscitated by a gorgeous, pigment-free woman in an evening gown, mink stole, and opera gloves. Then he passes out again. When he returns to consciousness...



So basically, it's implied that the mysterious woman took Bruce Banner's measurements while he was passed out! "Dang it, I'll have to measure that tricky inseam again! Well, the eleventh time should be the charm! Tee hee!"

Do you think Bruce was disappointed that the pants weren't purple? I can just see him having a flop-sweating, forearm-scratching, junkie-like reaction to all that white. "Um, don't get me wrong, I'm grateful you saved my life 'n' all, but... are you sure you don't have any "Rit" dye around here anywhere? Or even some food coloring?" And then he'd wind up hunched over in a corner of the house, rocking himself back and forth, muttering, "No purple, no purple...!"



Glazier is my favorite Hulk villain because she wears a gown and opera gloves -- and she does it pretty much all the time. I think all the best Hulk villains wear gowns. The Leader, the Abomination, General "Thunderbolt" Ross... what?! Well, I didn't say they wore gowns on panel. Anyway, Glazier's homelife is like my daydreams. She lives in a beautiful home on the beach, she's always attired in expensive garments, and she's surrounded 24/7 by men, men, men! She also has a big white dog named "Snowstar" -- a moniker that makes me suspect the canine is either a frequenter of internet bulletin boards or a tertiary X-Men character. Or a coke dealer.

Now, about those "lifelike" statues of men... have you guessed what the "big twist" climax of the story will be? (I guess I kinda halfway spoiled it by saying she was a villain.) If you haven't figured it out yet, consult your Big Book Of Fantasy Plot Cliches. Or any book on Greek mythology. But I digress. Bruce shacks up with this woman for a whole month, until this happens:



Oh, dear. Well, now we know why she wears the opera gloves all the time. Bitch needs to moisturize! In a roundabout way, that also explains why she wears the evening gowns. I mean, what else goes with opera gloves? Opera gloves minus evening gown plus any other type of clothing equals? Miss Piggy.

By The Way, You're Welcome

I'm baaa-aack! (Whee! I'm a hacker!) I just wanted to stop by and rub some of my incredible success in Blockade Boy's sullen, slab-like face. Time for a fun fact! We all know that Blockade Boy is a lumbering, musclebound drama queen with a vicious tongue and no discernable talent at fashion design. But! Did you also realize that he has never seen one of his superhero costume redesigns all the way through? Even on the rare occasions when he sells one, like he did to that nutjob, the Black Condor, he manages to throw a tantrum and quit at the last minute before he's even done sewing it! Hee! What a loser!

Now, I, on the other hand? I've redesigned simply scads of superhero costumes -- ones you've seen in comics for, oh, years, now! You just didn't know it yet! Say, let's look at one that should be fresh in all your minds! Here's the original:



Bleh. Boring. I selected this panel because it was drawn by Scott Kolins. Don't you just adore Scott Kolins? I know I do! He makes everything he draws look like it came off the box to an Intellivision cartridge. And that is, like, my whole aesthetic! Anyway? You can see how simple and unadorned everything is. I think I just fell asleep just thinking about it! In fact, I'm sure I did, because there's suddenly a really rank taste in my mouth, and one of my eyes is crusted shut. Now! Let's take a look at how I improved it!



See what I did there? That was the main problem with the old Nova costume... it wasn't pointy enough! Now everything on it is pointy! I even made the little four-pointed star thingamajig on the mask pointier! And that took some creativity because it was plenty pointy enough already, believe you me! I like how it makes him look like he has a bird beak now. Also? I instructed him to scream a lot. I wanted to make sure that even if somebody just saw him in their peripheral vision, they could tell he was pissed. 'Cause he's a badass! 'Cause he's pointy! The other thing I did was to install those little disc-shaped "Tap Lights" all over his costume. You know the ones I mean. They have commercials for them all the time, and they're only like $2.99 each. It's a real cheap way to spruce up any costume! The only bad part is you have to keep tapping them to keep them activated, so if you have a lot of them it makes it look like you're doing the Macarena.

Well, I'm off! For now! (Hee!) I understand the Blackhawks could use some new costumes. Not to worry, fellas! Storm Boy is on the case!

Doomstruck

Okay, forget the dumb ol' patches. There's just so much more fashion fun to be had within the pages of "The Doom Patrol." For example, the colorist sometimes liked to "mistakenly" make the white portion of Elasti-Girl's costume flesh-toned instead of white. Which made her look like Vampirella's perky cheerleader sister.



Doom Patrol also had what I think was the most irritating case of artistic license ever: Negative Man's bandages.



I chose that panel expecially for Dorian. Anyway, the way they drew him has always bugged the living bejeebus out of me and I guess it'll continue to do so, since they've gone back to drawing him like this.

You can see his face in excruciating detail through the gauze. I defy anybody to fanwank this into anything even close to being logical. "Really thin gauze," you say? Well, for one thing, the gauze is meant to contain Negative Man's awesomely deadly radiation, so I have trouble believing it would let light pass through it. And anyway, why can't you see his ears? Are they like, really really really radioactive, so they have extra layers or sumpin'? And for Pete's sake, you can even see the inside of his mouth!



Must... not make... Cialis joke...

Aw, look at this! Major Matt Mason is dressed as a salt shaker for the school play!



Y'know, if my choices were either missing out on the transcendent wonder of exploring the moon or looking like that? I'd stay inside the space capsule and hope somebody brought along an InStyle Magazine I could read.

I'll leave you with your ultimate Doom Patrol masturbation nightmare. Ta!

What The World Needs Now Is Embroidered Cloth Patches

From "Doom Patrol" #123 (March/April 1973):


I presume this is the sort of thing the average comics fan of 1973 would wear... on his or her bongwater-soaked jean jacket, of course. A few random points:

1. The advertiser certainly tried to cover a wide demographic base, by including both a "Black Is Beautiful" emblem and the Confederate battle flag. They're the Switzerland of embroidered cloth patch distributors!
2. Does the "Help! I need lovin'" patch actually work? Yes, but only if the other person is "Budweiser Powered."
3. I count no less than five peace symbols and one specifically anti-war slogan among the patches. And yet the world is still wracked by military conflict. Obviously, the damn patches are defective. I want my money back.
4. It was 1973 and they were still selling Woodstock patches. What, had they run out of patches commemorating the 1893 Chicago World's Fair? Also, where's my Altamont patch?
5. I'm tickled by the notion that somebody wearing the "pollution" skull-and-crossbones patch would probably get their heads dunked in the High School boy's room toilets by somebody wearing the regular skull-and-crossbones patch.

The Country Louse And The City Louse

"Ghost Riders Crossroads" #1 (of one, thank God -- November, 1995) pits the wheelie-poppin' duo against a pair of lame 90's style bad guys. Here's the first one:



Who knew the inner monologue of a serial killer with a potato sack on his head could be so boring? Not to mention, cloyingly cute? And precisely how "moist" can wet metal be, anyway? And which credited writer can I track down and punch in the nads over this? Howard Mackie for "story" or Ivan Velez, Jr. for "script"?

Ah, but I'm supposed to be talking about fashion! The Scarecrow's costume has one "hook" for me, and that's the jack o'lantern mouth on the cowl. It's fairly unique and I'd even go so far as to say it's the one iconic thing about him. The rope around the neck? Boring and impractical. Why walk around wearing something that could be used to instantly kill you? He might as well wear a huge guillotine that he has to drag around everywhere. Or a poncho made of a drift net entangled with jellyfish and medical waste. Hey, Scarecrow, I've designed some shoes where your toes fit between sharp spikes that have been coated with cobra venom; maybe you'd like to wear those.

The rest of his outfit? Instantly forgettable. The color scheme is ugly and bland. It could have been perked up by some patches in a brighter color or a more interesting pattern, but nope. Failing that, the costume could have been saved by making the overall silhouette more eye-catching. Again, no. Hell, at least Jonathan Crane had the good sense to wear a hat.

Here's some dialog from the next page: "His voice... like ground glass against tender skin... making me afraid. No. That's not right. He should be the frightened one. I'm the Scarecrow. I eat fear."

No, you suck balls.

The other villain in "Ghost Riders Crossroads" is Mephisto's son, Blackheart. (And boy, does he ever get some ripe Kelsey Grammaresque dialog! It's like the baby from "Family Guy" minus the intentional stabs at humor.)



Lookin' good, Blackheart! Been workin' out? It suits you! It helps to make up for the fact that you barely have a face to speak of, are completely lacking genitalia, and have a long, prehensile tail. (Like a lot of the guys I meet at the gym!) Still, I wonder what you'd look like with a makeover. Trim up the spines a little bit, get you in a tailored suit with some nice Italian shoes...



Oh, for--! That's a twelve hundred dollar Baroni Uomo suit and you just put your quills right through it! Didn't we talk about getting those things waxed? And where is the tie I bought you? And your hair--! That is not the length I requested. What do you mean, "second thoughts?" You know what? Forget you. I don't need this. You don't want to take my advice? Fine. You look like a licorice Johnny Depp. Congratulations.



Um. Heh. Kidding! You know me and my wacky sense of humor! You look great, honest!

Please, don't kill me.