Gender Reassignment Challenge: Looker to ????

Sometimes I like to challenge myself to redesign an existing costume for a different purpose or gender. In the "gender reassignment" challenges, I take a very feminine superheroine costume and butch it up for a male hero, while still trying to retain as many design elements as possible from the female version. In other words, it has to obviously look like the "brother" of the original costume.

Probably one of the most infamously unattractive costumes in the last three decades belongs to the psionic-powered superheroine, Looker. Let's take a gander at her, shall we? (You may wish to don welding goggles or perhaps view the image through one of those pinhole boxes folks use to look at solar eclipses, as the sight of Looker's costume has been known to cause retinal damage.) Okay, is everyone prepared? Here we go.



How about that, huh? A bow and a chain. Give to me your leather; take from me my lace. Plus there's the massive collar, the huge white nipple pads or whatever the heck those things are, and the asymmetry, MY GOD, the asymmetry. It's also unabashedly, almost ridiculously girly. So I wondered if I could find a way of doing that same type of costume for a man. I think I figured out a way to do it. I was even able to retain the color scheme, believe it or not.



Looker, from her name onward, was meant to be a devastatingly beautiful woman. I tried to imagine what the male version might look like. I decided to make him look like something off the cover of a romance novel. The pink tights made me think of old-timey circus performers so I designed the look around what a trapeze artist in the early 19th century might wear. The cloak is of a type favored by some military men (like Napoleon), where the arms go through slits beneath the top layer. And because my guy is supposed to be from a romance novel, he's barechested. (Notice how I made sure he's covering his nipples this time. You're welcome.) That's why I gave him long gloves that cover most of his arms. When he's wearing the cloak, it gives it the feel of a complete coat, with sleeves. Looker's bow is echoed in the guy's sash. I had no use for the chain, so I didn't use it. I simplified the boots, as you can see, but they're soft-soled, like a circus acrobat might wear. And for the most part I ditched the asymmetry, because that shit had to go.

I'm just having trouble deciding what to call this guy. "Looker" sounds too girly. I was thinking of "Dreamboat" maybe. But I'm still not sure. What do you guys think I should call him? Lookie-Lou? The Crotchinator? Baron Hunkmeyer Von Prettypants? I'm up for suggestions!

Stupid Moments In Fashion: Avengers #222 (Part Two)

So, the guy's sitting up there in a green metal harness, and it's only when he takes off the chauffer hat that the Wasp figures out he's not her regular driver. That can mean only one of two things: either the Wasp is frightfully stupid, or she dresses her servants in some pretty bizarre get-ups. My theory was the latter. And it was confirmed (yay, me!) when I snuck into -- er, make that visited the Van Dyne compound. Here's a list of some of the other positions in and around the Wasp's mansion, along with which Marvel Comics villains their uniforms most closely resemble:

1. Butler: Doctor Doom
2. Footmen: Annihilus
3. Valet: Ultron
4. Head Housemaid: Titania
5. Maids: the Enchantress
6. Cook: Magneto
7. Pastry Chef: the High Evolutionary
8. Wine Steward: Baron Zemo
9. Gardener: Thanos
10. Poolboy: the Wendigo (either that or he had a lot of back hair)

Hmmm.... come to think of it, this would also confirm my first theory of the Wasp being frightfully stupid. I win again!

And now, for no reason whatsoever, here's Tiger Shark enduring history's most painful beer fart:

Stupid Moments In Fashion: Avengers #222 (Part One)

Can anybody explain the Wasp's line of thinking here? The She-Hulk is around six-foot-six. How is her figure flattered by putting her in genie pants and puffy sleeves? Is it really imperative that she look bulkier? And if so, why bother with all that fancy sewing? Why not stick her in a burqa, topped with a big, floppy sun hat? Or a beekeeper's uniform?

The She-Hulk obviously hates this costume, and I respect the hell out of her for tempering her response. 'Cause God knows I wouldn't have. The Wasp defends her sorry creation in the next panel: "You're an unusual woman, Jennifer! Your clothes should say that!" (The green hair and skin not doing it for you, honey?) "We want a complete image that'll drive men wild at the sight of you!" (And that means concealing as much of your body as humanly possible!)

The Wasp shows the She-Hulk exactly where she fits on her list of priorities (i.e. down at #732, between "Look in the Yellow Pages for a good chimney sweep" and "Get that Plantar's wart looked at") when the Masters of Evil attack. The She-Hulk rushes off to battle but the Wasp flies in front of her just as she's about to rip her way out of the puffy-yet-restrictive garment. "That outfit is an original!" snaps the Wasp. "Tear it -- and I'll never speak to you again!" So while Moonstone and the Scorpion are pulverizing The Mighty Thor, the She-Hulk has to carefully get out of her ensemble...



...and join the fray in her lacy unmentionables.



Think about it: some poor Korean gal had to wax a full square yard of bikini area. I hope she got a decent tip.

Tomorrow: more fashion-related fun from Avengers #222!

What Typhoid Mary Is Trying To Protect Her Shoulders From

1. fists
2. knives
3. gunfire
4. cannon fire
5. torpedoes
6. catapults
7. baseball bats, both wood and aluminum
8. boomerangs
9. arrows tipped with the poison saliva of rare Amazonian tree frogs
10. karate chops
11. the laughter of popular adolescent girls
12. that one really cool lightsaber in that one Star Wars movie, you know the one I'm talking about
13. sensual massage
14. the harsh rays of the sun
15. laser pointers
16. cat o' nine tails
17. pillow fights
18. grappling hooks
19. piggy-back rides
20. whatever Russell Crowe has in his hands at the time
21. spikey maces and/or extraterrestrial energy weapons
22. birds pooping on them

Number One With A Mullet

Yeah, I'm pretty sure somebody gave me a candy heart with that written on it. Probably from Storm Boy, after we made out that one time and then I made fun of his dorky glasses. "But I designed them myself!" he told me. What the hell ever, Storm Boy.

Annnyway, the image above is a great profile view of the most noble, pure-hearted mullet haircut ever to exist, and of its owner, Longshot (from "Longshot" #6, Marvel, February 1986.) Longshot only has four digits on each hand and his skin has the texture of leather (if his girlfriend is to be believed) but his most deformed feature is that haircut.

Haircuts can go out of style with astounding speed, so even if a superhero's costume is timeless, he or she might still be seen parading around with last decade's coiffure. And the mullet? Back in 1986, everybody and his brother had one of these numbers. Including, I might add, Jeremy Rizza (snicker). But soon enough the mullet moved out of the world of high fashion and into a nebulous redneck timewarp where a man can have the same haircut for two decades or more. And then he passes said haircut onto his own sons. And so on. And then the mullet haircut somehow materializes on their family crest.

It's a real shame, too, because the mullet is truly one of the most unfortunate hairstyles ever to be invented. Right down there with the "rat tail." (Rizza had one of those, too! Haw! What a jerk!) "Business up front, party out back?" Sure, if the business is selling shrunken apple-head dolls from a folding table on the side of Highway 50. And if the party is taking place in an abandoned tool shed, and it gets busted by the FBI because the deejay is a meth dealer.

And here's the kicker: Longshot not only has an ugly, wretchedly out-of-date hairstyle, but it's implied in his miniseries that his hair just naturally kind of grows that way. So he's screwed.

Naw, I'm sure he could get a better haircut if he wanted. I'm sure he's just way too busy fighting evil right now. See, Longshot? I was just givin' ya guff back there. It's what guys do to each other. (Well, it's one of the things guys do to each other. Heh.) So what do you say? Friends?



Criminy, what a drama queen!