Dreamgorks

[Fade in on the cavernous and sparsely-populated headquarters of "Mercenaries, Incorporated." Tub stands,facing a glossy 8x12 "glamor shot" of Batman, while General Angst and Doctor Moon watch Tub.]

Tub [points at photo]: But I don't hate him!

[General Angst nods at Doctor Moon. Doctor Moon silently moves across the room and pulls a giant lever. In response, the bland fluorescent lighting of "Mercenaries, Incorporated" dims, and is replaced by a slowly spinning kaleidoscope of lights, with a blue-white spotlight falling on General Angst. Music rises in the background.]

General Angst [sings]:And... I... am... telling you
Fuck up Batman
You're the best man I'll ever hire
No way Bats can make me retire
No, no, there's no way
No, no, no, no way
I'm living in Arkham
I'm not living in Arkham
No, I'd rather be freeeeeee
I'm staying
I'm staying
And you
And you
You're gonna help meeeeee
Oooooh, ahhh
You're gonna helllllp me
And I am telling you
Fuck up Batman
Even though you are dumb, I'm sure
I'll make it good, good for you
I'll give you some ice cream
Some cherry-vanilla
And maybe some sprinkles
And I'll pour some fudge on
And time to time
I'll take you to the fair
No, no, no, no, no, no way
I'm not waking up tomorrow morning
And finding that the Batman is there
Tubby, there's no way
No, no, no, no way you're not fighting Batman
You'll be stomping his head in
With your, with your bare-ass, smelly feet
Please just go away to the
Reservoir
Reservoir
Go, go and fight him, AYAYAYAEAH
Go, go and fight him, AAAAHOOO
Please, go and fight him
You're so big
Fight him, mister
Fight him, mister
I know, I know, I know you CAAAAAANNN
You're like a spastic, yeah
Full of plastic
You can take what he'll bring
And not feel a thing
Tear both his ears off
Bitch-slap his belt
He's not gonna dent ya
But you'll leave a welt
AAAAAAANNNNNDD IIIII AAAAAMMM telling you
FUUUCCCK up Batman
You're the best man that I can see
Plus our only remaining employee
No, no, there's no way
No, no, no, no way you won't fuck up Batman
'Cause you will fuck up Batman
You will fuck up Batman
I'm just sick of his face AAAAAAAAYYAYAYEAH
He's going
He's GOOOIIINNNG
And you
And you
And you
You're gonna help me
AAAAAAYYYEAH
You're gonna HEELLLLPP me
Yes you are
Yes you are
AAAAAAY
Tubby
Help me
Help me
HEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLPPPPPP
You're gonnnnna hellllllllllllllllllllllp
*gasp*
MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

[The music rises to a crescendo, and then it fades. The lighting returns to normal.]

Tub [looks up from a calculator he'd been playing with]: Oh, I'm sorry. Were you talking to me?

[Fade out.]

Fa La Lallor La

Blockade Boy explains all about the Solstice Season on Lallor.

Call Me Madman

Because I based my clearance event salespitch on "Can You Use Any Money Today" from the Irving Berlin musical "Call Me Madam" and then let Storm Boy deliver it... as a rap.

The Life Blockade Boy Leads

Weight Wizard's been acting all pissy lately, shirking his chores and back-talking me, which would be understandable if he was fourteen and not twenty-two. So I sat him down for a talk. By which I mean I made him listen to me sing a song about a proper space pirate: me! (With apologies to the Mary Poppins soundtrack.)

You Can't Fly!

And so the saga of Gravity Girl draws to its inevitable (for 1961) conclusion. Superboy, would you care to sing us the story's moral to the tune of "You Can Fly" from "Peter Pan"? Thank you.

Think of the burn on your arm
And of boulders doing harm
Think of splinters, think of pain
Worst of all, your stupid brain
If you only were a guy--!

You can’t fly! You can’t fly!
You can’t fly! You can’t fly!

Soon you’ll walk all around the town,
Keep your feet upon the ground
But a bicycle is no fuss
Or if riding trolleys make you cuss
Take the municipal bus

You can’t fly! You can’t fly!
You can’t fly! You can’t fly!

Fly with a belt on your waist
Crash and turn your ass to paste
Don’t take the job of a man
You can’t do what the fellas can
Now go make me a pie

You can’t fly! You can’t fly!
You can’t fly! You can’t fly!

Some People--!

Me: Spider-Man of 1986, if you had a nightclub act about your black costume, how would it go?

[in the distance, a piano vamp begins -- softly at first, but steadily growing louder]

Spider-Man: Well, y'see, I'd pretend I was home getting dressed for patrol. I'd take some mousse and mousse my hair. I'd take some web fluid, smell it, and put it in my web shooters. And then I'd spot the audience!

[a full orchestra kicks in as he sings, to the tune of "All I Need Is The Girl" from "Gypsy"]

Once, my look was garish.
That shit? Fanboys* cherish.
Reds so bright they glow,
Blues that shock you more than Electro.

So I had to update,
Maybe yellow -- but wait!
Spider-Woman 2
Has class up the wazoo.

Goodbye red!
So long blue!
Black and white's the thing to do!

Now I'm stylin'.
Chicks are smilin'.
I'm a 5'10 dream-come-true!
And the Black Cat
Says I'm "all that."
Sure, the first try turned out to be a symbiote;
That's been my luck since I was a zygote.

Spandex:
What I used next.
If you ask me, it's a beaut!
And fanboys*
Often lack basic hygiene, style and poise

Which makes all of their insults moot.
All I really need's my black suit!

This isn't a popular opinion, I know, but I really hate Spider-Man's red-and-blue suit. It's just too busy. All those webs? It's an ugly mess. That's why I prefer his old black-and-white number from the pre-Venom 80's. It has the most important costume elements of the original -- Mexican wrestling mask eyeballs and the spider logo -- and scraps all the extraneous detail. (Why the hell would a spider have webs on its own body? That'd be like Hawkman covering his costume with little nests.) And the bright colors didn't help support a recurring plot-point in the book: that many New Yorkers describe Spider-Man as "creepy" or "inhuman-looking." Really? The muscular wisecracking guy in the bright red-and-blue costume is "creepy?" (I hope the Silver Age Atom isn't reading this; he's already feeling bad enough about himself.) Whatever, people. At least the black-and-white suit looks a bit more grown-up and intimidating. (Cue up clip of Spider-Man emerging from behind a changing screen, wearing his black-and-white number for the first time, mask in hand, and catching his reflection in a full-length mirror. His lips curl in a tentative smile, and then joyful tears begin to stream down his face. "I'm handsome--!" he gasps. "I'm a handsome superhero, Marvel...!")

By the time "Web Of Spider-Man" #17 (August, 1986) appeared in stores, Spider-Man had gotten rid of the alien symbiote and had taken to alteranating between a fabric reproduction of the alien suit and his hideous old duds. I'd hoped he'd finally decide to stick with the black-and-whites. But then David Michelinie put an end to the costume controversy with the "nuclear option" of plotlines: creating a supervillain who wore the alien version of the costume, and then having him assault Mary Jane. So much for Peter Parker ever wearing black again, huh? (Jeebus. It's like a candidate in a Presidential debate using a shotgun on his opponent.)

Of course, the Spider-Man franchise has had myriad problems since the late 80's *coughCloneSagacough* so an ugly (yet inexplicably popular) costume really is small potatoes when compared to all the rest of it. Still, I really miss that costume.

*Not you guys! You guys are great!