Nineteen Hate-y Four

So I bought the first issue of the new Eternals comic yesterday. And I used one of Jeremy's credit cards, which means I also treated myself to a pedicure and a massage and brunch at a nice restaurant. Really, I made a whole day of it! Anyway, when I saw John Romita Jr.'s depiction of Sersi, with the Suzanne Somers bangs and the great wads of mascara, I suffered a flashback to my very own Vietnam -- namely the X-Men comics he drew over twenty years ago! The feminine portion of the X-Men have always been burdened with god-awful costumes, and Junior was responsible for more than his share. How many different costumes did he design just for Rogue? Twenty? Three hundred? And each was fuglier than the last. That's quite an accomplishment. Let's take a glance at a few frightful designs from John Romita, Jr.'s Galleria of Horrors.



(From "The Uncanny X-Men" #177, January 1984.) You think my fashion criticism can be merciless? At least I don't kill people. I wonder if Wolverine dispatched her with an 80's movie-style quip, like "Disco is dead. *snikt* And so are you."

To be perfectly honest, this isn't Wolverine; it's Mystique. And it isn't Kitty Pryde, either; it's one of Arcade's Murderworld robots. So I don't know if Kitty really had an outfit like that, or if it's something a guy in an oversize novelty bowtie thinks she might wear. (He's right on the money if you ask me.)

Oh, and inside the comic the costume is colored a reasonably tasteful blue-and-white. But yellow, magenta and brown is also a fine combination. If you're a chocolate cupcake.



(From "The Uncanny X-Men" #282, June 1984.) It's Rogue-y the Flying Squirrel! I suppose that blinding orange is to keep hunters from shooting at her. How do you know when a woman doesn't like people to touch her? When she's wearing a cowl neck over a turtleneck. It makes her sweater look like it's been circumcized. This ensemble also features two of Romita The Lesser's favorite things, like, ever: tights and a sash. Lotta tights in the 80's X-Men comics. Ditto for sashes. This sash isn't as brazenly huge as a Dave Cockrum sash, but it's still grandly pointless. The down side? If Rogue flies backwards it snaps up and smacks her in the kisser. Although she's really kind of asking for it.



(From "The Uncanny X-Men" #189, January 1985.) It's Rachel Summers in "The Trampiest Gun In The West!" Hey look, a sash. What complimentary things can I say about this look? Er... um... at least she doesn't have her signature mullet. Okay, I'm done. The part I cropped out had Amara "Fire Crotch" Aquila wearing nothin' but lava, and Selene in her insanely slutty "Black Queen" costume (leather bondage gear, approved whole-heartedly by the Comics Code Authority.)

Wait a gol-dang minute... I thought Rachel had a buzzcut! What's with the sensible "farm wife" 'do? Is this a continuity error? Nope! It's all a hallucination.



See, this is what Rachel dreams of wearing. Kind of like how Jeremy dreams of having a 32" waist. Can somebody explain the sash to me? Because I don't understand the point of it. At least on Rogue's get-up it cinched that gargantuan sweater she was wearing and gave her an hourglass figure, but with Rachel the color doesn't coordinate and it interrupts the lines on her bodice without providing an interesting contrast to them. In fact, it's like she doesn't even realize she's wearing it. Maybe it's police tape, and her vagina is a crime scene.

That concludes our tour of the Galleria. The exit is to your left, and please take care not to slip in the vomit of your fellow patrons as you leave. Good day to you all!

Secret Wardrobe 2: Part Three Of Infinity

Ever wonder what a Marvel Zombie visualizes when he's masturbating? Yeah, pretty much someone like that guy. Only sometimes with boobs. Sometimes.

This is how the Beyonder first appeared when he came to our universe in "Secret Wars 2" #1. Y'know, I was scratching my head, trying to figure out what the big white ponytail was emulating and then it finally hit me: it's Storm's hair! No wonder he switched bodies; Storm probably spends forty hours a week, minimum, keeping that huge mass o' hair looking all glossy and fabulous. (*knock knock knock* "Storm, it's Angel! Can I just squeeze into the bathroom with ya for a few minutes? I gotta touch up my highlights!" "Keep out! I'm conditioning!")

Two things I absolutely adore about this panel:
1. It's never explained how the couch got like that, or if it's even the Beyonder's fault. As you can see, the Molecule Man's pad is kind of a dump anyhow . Observe the cracked plaster on the back wall. Maybe the Molecule Man is apologizing to the Beyonder for his furniture's general crappiness. Or maybe the Beyonder was just exceptionally windy that day. And his farts glow!
2. "I'm not sure he's ready for Laverne and Shirley." This line is so wrong, it's Zen.

In "Secret Wars 2" #7, the Beyonder chills on a beach..



...where he pairs one of his trademark flared-shoulder tops with clamdiggers. No wonder he looks depressed. If I saw my reflection and realized I was wearing that outfit, I'd probably want to kill myself. Luckily, his suicidal reverie is interrupted by Wolverine's blonder, fatter cousin. Or maybe it's Tubby from the old "Little Lulu" comics, all grown up and furry-chested and livin' large!



My memories of the 80's are a mite hazy -- I'll have to go visit them again sometime! -- but was every single shirt collar turned up back then? 'Cause that's my impression from reading this series. What, was there an overabundance of starch in that decade? Was gravity less influential? Honestly, I'm flummoxed!

So here we have two guys wearing (allegedly) stylish clothing, in a tropical paradise, in the 1980's. I think it's safe to assume they're starring in a detective show.

Let's see... who else was a bloody car wreck when it came to 80's fashions? Oh, I know!



Rachel Summers! But of course. Braided mullet, check. Tights with suspenders, check. Boots of a clashing color and noncommittal length, check. Rachel's so preoccupied that she doesn't notice an angry, fashion-conscious mob is pelting her with debris. "Your top shouldn't match your pants!" they holler at her. "And do something about your hair! What are you, twelve?" But she pays no heed. She just fluffs up her forelock and busts out her Bangles' "Walk Like An Egyptian" dance. In the background, Cannonball is so unnerved that he starts to keel over sideways, his fists clenching anxiously. Shadowcat and Dazzler, having run out of things to throw at Rachel, decide to just tackle her and pummel her senseless.

Sounds like a good plan.