Saddle Eyesore

In "Marvel Team-Up" #97 (September 1980) Spider-Woman blows into New Mexico, all gussied-up in her tightest slacks and her loosest sleeves.

Yes, she'd sincerely wishes she could help stop the Hulk's destructive rampage. If only she was some sort of superhero! Ah, well. Maybe Paladin or Devil-Slayer is available.

I know, I know. I'm being unfair to Spider-Woman (and Paladin and Devil-Slayer). Why should she drop everything to chase after the unstoppable Hulk? She is technically on vacation. And she's not going to let anything ruin her one opportunity to visit the grave of the world's first astronaut chimp, in Alomogordo! She bought some candles and silk flowers just for the occasion, and she's going to make the daring simian's tomb look grander than Jim Morrison's!

Kidding. She's actually there to track down a criminal in her job as a bounty hunter. So of course she's not going to waste her time with the Hulk. That nonsense doesn't pay jack. Also, she'd have to pry herself out of those pants, and that takes a good three-and-a-half hours (and two economy-sized jars of Miracle Whip). Say, let's get a better look at her duds.

Ouch. It's not exactly Dale Evans, is it? It's not even Katherine Hepburn. Kate Jackson? Maybe. In other words, it's a mite mannish.

Yes, she's turning heads. Oh my yes. Sadly, they're the heads of potbellied gun nuts who are startled to realize they have those very same buckskin pants in their closets. And the matching vest! Maybe their eyes linger on the hot pink satchel, and they realize how fetching it looks with the tan leather and the cranberry plaid, and they wish they had the cajones to pull that kind of thing off. And they know in their heart of hearts they don't... not in public.

And then they run to the local Woolworths to search for a pink satchel.

Spider-Woman's Super-Disguise Kit!

With Michael Fleisher as writer, Marvel's "Spider-Woman" series took on a very DC-esque tone. Namely, it turned into a cross between the "Supergirl" and "Jimmy Olsen."

Incog-NEATO! So that bent, bedraggled old lady was really the shapely Spider-Woman! Let this be a lesson unto you, young (straight) men: any old woman you meet could turn out to be a foxy super-babe! So take time to check them out. Really, give them a thorough going-over. Don't be afraid to peek under their hems for telltale signs of spandex. Pinch their bottoms to see if they're padded out. For reals. It could be totally worth it. But how on earth did Spider-Woman come across this fantastic disguise?

Oh. Okay, so I feel a bit cheated, but I'm sure Fleisher will make good on his promise to tell that wonderful story. Hmm? What's that, Jeremy? He never did? Huh. Well. Now, of course, I'm going to have to kick his ass. *makes beeline for time bubble*

*emerges from time bubble with a blackened eye, a dislocated jaw, and a pronounced limp* That could have gone better. Er, where were we? Oh yes. Here's Spider-Woman disguised as a cheap trollop. Or maybe Marcia Wallace. I'm not quite sure. Oh, and by the way, I think I saw that exact same ensemble on Tommy Tomorrow. I liked it better on him.

Fishnets and a blonde wig? It doesn't get more DC than this, folks! Except for the next page, where Spider-Woman goes on a date with a smarmy creep while wearing her Spider-Woman costume.

Also: "Momo?" The hell-?!

Sometimes Spider-Woman would disguise herself as a man! In a zoot suit! As part of a zoot suit-wearing gang. You see what I mean about how "DC" this all is? It's like they escaped from an old "Green Arrow" or "Black Orchid" story.) "I'm dreadfully sorry I had to let them get so close to you and your wife, Mr. Ambassador...!" Thank God she wasn't following a masher, huh? ("I'm so sorry I had to let him fondle your wife...")

Once, Spider-Woman disguised herself as supporting cast member Lindsay McCabe, masquerading as Spider-Woman. My brain is bleeding just thinking about it. Luckily, nobody noticed Spider-Woman's man-hands.

Such ravishing muttonchops! Er, but I digress. That vacant pile of boobery in the background is none other than Spider-Woman! I call this look "Vanna Frost": part ditsy "briefcase babe" and part icy ballcutter. With barrettes!

Ack! Another man-guise! You can't tell me your stomach didn't jump back up your throat a bit when you saw that panel of her lifting that screaming man-head off her comely visage. Okay, so you could tell me that, but I wouldn't listen to you. In fact, I have my hands over my ears and I'm humming a jaunty little tune this very instant. La la la la la...

And in my last example, the tables get turned on Spider-Woman when somebody disguises themselves as her.

Apparently the carpet didn't match the curtains! Because the whole roll of it got returned to the warehouse. Why are you snickering? What did you think I meant? Why, that's filthy! For shame. Let me start over.

Woo-woo! It's Spider-Woman's very own Etta Candy, complete with a "Spider-Woman" sorority. Which we never got to see, goddamn it. You'd think the follow-up writer, Chris Claremont, would be all over that shit. Except he'd make them mind-controlled ninja assassins or somethin'.

Empowered Tool

Remember when I said that there was no villain so lame that he needed to be killed off? I take it all back. Because I had forgotten about the Grinder, from "Spider-Woman" #26 (May, 1980).

I don't know if the Grinder is dead. Probably not, since it's doubtful he appeared anywhere after this issue. He still pisses me off, though. I mean, look at this idiot! The Grinder is the kind of supervillain people who don't read comics imagine people who do read comics would like. He's farcical. He's "Inferior Five" material. I don't get it. Marvel already had a villain who uses rotary saw blades, and his name is Whirlwind, and y'know what? None of the spinning blades were on his head. And the Skittle-fied color scheme! Yikes! Normally I'd blame something this garish on early-80's Marvel colorist Don Warfield, but nope. The credits indicate it's actually old standby Carl Gafford, or, as he's listed here, "Gaff." Yeah, that sounds about right.

It gets worse. This issue was written by Michael "Dave Sim is my homeboy" Fleisher, so the Grinder actually presents a challenge to poor, pathetic, woman-y Spider-Woman. To quote her thought balloons: "Blast it! I was too self-confident! If I'd waited till I'd moved in closer, I could've probably hit him in a spot he couldn't protect with that shield! Now it's going to be another hour before I'm sufficiently recharged to unleash another venom blast! He's leaving the way he came! It's not going to be easy to catch him-- because he's equipped with motorized flight, while all I can do is leap and glide! But I've got to try!" Darn that feminine self-confidence! Bah. If I want to read about a superhero who's a whiny little bitch, I'll pick up a Spider-MAN comic, thank you very much.

Thankfully, Spider-Woman pulls herself together in time to defeat the Grinder with one of his own blades, and from the ground, no less.

"H-HALP!!!" Ah, so he's the father of the little girl in the Shake 'n' Bake commercials.

Is there a way the Grinder could have worked? I can think of two, actually. The first and most boring way is to simply move the blades off the top of his head for God's sake and onto his arms where they'd look cooler. The downside is that he winds up as a very generic 90's-style villain. And nobody in their right mind wants another one of those. The second option was inspired by the following panel:

The Grinder's "shield" which Spider-Woman mentioned previously was merely the top of his bladed beany-copter. But what if... those blades were there in place of his head? What if he was this freaky guy with a sawblade (or three) floating over his headless body? Maybe he could be a cyborg with his brain in his chest, Arnim Zola-style, huh? (Only without the dopey TV screen. That thing looked ridiculous.) And maybe he could talk via the spinning blades, and he'd sound kind of like that surgeon Cenobite from the second Hellraiser movie. You know. Kind of like, "NNNNNwhooooooowaaaannnnntsmoooorecremmmmmebruuuulllleNNNN?" Er, only he'd say something cooler than that. Or maybe he could just talk like the "Slingblade" guy. What do you think? Too Grant Morrison? Too DC? I dunno. How would you improve the Grinder?

Tomorrow: more costume-foolery from Michael Fleisher's Spider-Woman. Friday: a letter from Lenny!

Clothes Make The Menace: The Best Costume Of All Time

This has been my number one favorite costume ever since I saw it back in the summer of 1980, in "Spider-Woman" #31. And as you can see, it's been a big influence on my work.


Why do I love the Hornet's costume?
1. The color scheme: purple and orange. Eye-catching and weird. But it works. I still don't see this combination used very often in super-costumes. Of course, I had to use it for one of my own costumes.
2. Depending on what the colorist felt like doing in a particular panel, it had an Aquaman neckline. Show off those hunky shoulders, Hornet!
3. None of that "underpants on top of spandex" business.
4. The arrow motif. Striking but not too busy. It also works as a subtle tie-in to the similarly winged Janet "The Wasp" Van Dyne. Janet loved using arrows on her own costumes back then. And just like the Hornet, she made sure that every single arrow on her costume pointed directly at her crotch! I believe that's called "playing to your strengths."

The Hornet was really Scotty McDowell, a criminologist who was temporarily mutated and hypnotized into becoming a bad guy by one of Spider-Woman's enemies. This was especially hard on Spider-Woman given that he was the only member of her supporting cast. He was back to normal by the end of issue #32 and disappeared completely from "Spider-Woman" (and from comics in general) not long after. It's a real shame, too, since he had one kick-ass costume.