Soles of the Damned

It's Batman vs. the Spook, in my dramatic reading of a scene from "Detective Comics" #435 (June-July, 1973). Thrill as the Dark Knight defeats the Ghost Who Walks (On the Ceiling) by... getting him to brag about his shoes? Then, brace yourselves for the twist ending!

Live, From Lincoln Center, an All-Star Tribute to "the Tub's" Calculator

If I didn't know better, I'd almost think he did that on purpose.

Check out the shoes! That heel! That buckle! ...In between panels, the balding hipster douchebag who grabbed Tub's calculator must have handed it to a metrosexual Pilgrim/Luddite. With height issues.

It was awfully nice of the Thirty-Something Gang to spread themselves out behind Tub, so widely and evenly. (Although, they could have used two more members, for Stripey Tank Top Guy's side.) This panel would have made a good George Perez cover. Crisis on Infinite Calculators!

...Aw, jeebus. This is going to turn into a musical number, isn't it? Before we know it, the gang is going to start swaying back-and-forth, and slowly raise their arms in the air, as Tub hoarsely brays an elegiac "power ballad" to his busted toy. And more and more background characters are going to join in, with people doing somersaults, and flipping themselves off of lamp posts, and doing the Charleston atop moving cars... and then the Gotham P.D. swoops in with their helicopters, thinking it's a riot, and tear-gasses the whole lot of 'em.

D-List Monsters of Super-Hero Land: The Spook, Part Three

Sure, anybody can pull off this trick with suction-cup shoes... plus hollow bones, steel rods running from their ankles up to their neck, and a total disregard for the law of gravity.

Or maybe the "startling discovery" is that the Spook forgot to close his robe! (Talk about scary--! I have it on good authority* that the Spook's junk resembles an unbaked brioche.)

The Spook loves to create spectacular illusions that depend on maneuvering Batman into just the right place at just the right time. Conceptually, this is already a bit goofy, but it just gets stupid when these illusions occur in public places. In this story, the Spook rigs a trap door in the middle of Gotham's version of the Triborough Bridge, and a spring-loaded platform in the floor of that museum he's robbing in the above panel -- plus he gimmicked the building's roof! Not to mention, he somehow manages to replace a section of wall in a private home's courtyard -- a wall that borders a street, no less -- with a large section of painted "self-sealing" rubber. ('Cause you can walk right through that shit. If this story is to be believed.)

So to sum up, the Spook breaks into a bunch of places to set up intricate magic tricks, and then he goes back later and robs the joints.

And they say the Riddler is messed-up.

But then, the Spook's ultimate scheme was to subliminally brainwash Batman into wanting to kill him! And then... well, it's complicated.

Yeah, I'd say the Spook is having an "unparalleled episode," alright. He's practically foaming at the mouth! Spook, you're dealing with The Gol-Danged Batman! Didn't it occur to you that he might have outsmarted you by pretending to die before you could? Why are you giving a full confession? Quick, feel up his "corpse" for recording devices! No, really. Give it a good, thorough grope.

*i.e. Storm Boy.

Fresh From the Coven

"Why so depressed, Pamela? Is the weight of your gigantic medallion making it hard for you to stand up? We all wear them, Pamela! It's traditional! And you can use it to open bottles and change tires! No, Pamela, I don't care if you're a size 0 and can't wear any fabric heavier than organza for fear of bone fracture... you're not allowed to wear a daintier medallion! Hmm? There's something else? What-- your shoes? Well, of course they're orthopedic! Why wouldn't they be? They symbolize our great demon lord Azazazazel's fallen arches! Now put on your neckbrace and stovepipe hat so we can start the ceremony!"

Captain Universe: The Hero You Don't Deserve To Be

Wow, is this late! It's all Jeremy's fault. He saw "Dreamgirls" last night and he kept me up 'til 4 AM talking about it. I learned a lot about "Dreamgirls!" Did you know that Dreamgirls will help you to survive? That's what Jeremy says. They'll also, apparently, keep your fantasies alive. I take it they're some sort of elite search-and-rescue team. Also, according to Jeremy, Jennifer Hudson's big show-stopping number "And I Am Telling You" is about fourteen hours long and may have been guest-directed by Peter Jackson. Not everybody in the theater made it to the end of "Dreamgirls." Several of the older patrons collapsed, and had to be treated for exposure and malnutrition. Jeremy recommends that if you want to see "Dreamgirls" that you take along a thermal "space blanket," water purification tablets, high-protein foods like peanut butter and beef jerky, and a change of underwear.

Great planets, where was I? What? "Captain Universe?"

Aw, Christ.

Captain Universe -- "The Hero Who Could Be You" (But Probably Isn't) -- is the casual slacks of superheroes: good-looking, somewhat durable, and suitable for any occasion, but also really, really boring. I know the silhouette is a lot like the Silver Age Atom's costume, which a lot of intelligent, tasteful folks adore, but I personally can't stand it. So sue me. (And yet I like the Ryan Choi Atom costume. Why? Three words: big shiny backpack! Whee!) The Captain Universe costume is actually worse, because there's so much white space, and the molecular connect-the-dots pattern gives me a migraine.

That said, Captain Universe's creator, Bill Mantlo, really brought his "A" game for "Marvel Spotlight" #10. In this issue, the cosmic "Uni-Power" energy bestows the Captain Universe powers upon twin sisters -- one a kick-ass (yet sexy) private eye and the other a "meek housewife." It's the kind of dual role Donna Mills or Stephanie Powers would have played back in the day.

Let me take you through it. Clare Dodgson is the crime-busting detective (prone to dropping handguns out of her sleeves) and Ann Dodgson Stanford is a homemaker with two kids. Ann's husband Edward is a crusading D.A. on the trail of the crime boss known as "Nemesis." After Edward helps convict two of Nemesis' associates, some gangsterish types grab him and hustle him into a car. Clare, meanwhile, heads to Ann's house for dinner but spies a mysterious hand through the window. Just then, Ann sends her twin an extremely vague telepathic warning. So Clare busts through the window and starts shooting the gangsters to death. ("That dame's a crack shot!") So Ann sends the kids to the neighbor's house alone and goes to help her sister. Uh-oh! There's another gangster outside! I hope the kids are okay! Because Ann, a.k.a. their mother, isn't thinking about them at all by this point. Y'see, the gangster on the lawn is pointing his gun at Clare!

How do you like that "B-but I'm just a housewife!" line? You don't like it? Me neither. But that's too bad, since there's way more where that came from. There's also:

• "Is this my meek housewife sister?" - Clare
• "Despite my super-powers, I can't help thinking and acting like an ordinary housewife!" - Ann
• "I-I'm only a housewife, a mother! I don't know what to do!" - Ann

Yikes. On the plus side, the comic ends with Ann realizing she'd depended far too strongly on her husband, and she resolves to be a stronger person.

Also, it looks like the Uni-Power is into stiletto heels. Who knew? (And wouldn't it have been kind of awesome if it had put those heels on the Captain Universe costume it gave to its previous beneficiary, teenager Steve Coffin? Finally, he would have had something to discuss with the school counselor!)

Tomorrow: Ann cleans house!