Tea Disservice

Man, am I ever behind on this blog! So... on last week's "America's Next Top Model," it's Norelle versus Japanese culture. Japanese culture wins.

With Nicole's completely unjustified booting, the remaining contestants are moved out of their Tupperware "Stuffables" storage containers and into an actual apartment. There are two suites for five contestants. The trio of squabbling pseudo-lesbians get one suite, while Amanda and Ya Ya share the other. All five ladies are taught how to perform a traditional Japanese tea ceremony. Norelle, to nobody's surprise, looks completely lost. In an interview, Norelle says, "Japan or anything Japanese to me is like space." I think she means outer space and not the ample space inside her bug-eyed noggin, but who knows with her? Ya Ya seconds the notion that Norelle is uncomfortable in foreign settings, and is not as worldly and sophisticated as herself. She goes on to brag about how humble she is and that logical paradox causes sparks to shoot out of my head, just like the androids on that one "Star Trek" episode. Amanda is so taken with the beauty of the tea ceremony that she cries. Eva thinks this qualifies as "diva" behavior. Shut it, shorty. The contestants take turns performing the tea ceremony before an unsmiling panel of experts. One of the judges is a middle-aged lady in a kimono, and her hair is seriously freaking me out. It's a gravity-defying pixie cut that makes her look like a cross between Amelie and Pippy Longstocking, with just a smidgen of the "Dick Tracy" villain, Flattop. Eva keeps glancing sideways at the judges, like she's on the lookout for tea ninjas. Ann is stiff and tense, just like she is in every situation, every hour of every day. Amanda is quite serene, which for some reason is interpreted as "emotional shutdown." Ya Ya forgets part of the ceremony but she answers one of the judges' questions in Japanese, so, you know. Bonus points. (Bitch.) Then it's Norelle's turn. Annnnd... cue the circus music! I swear, this show is edited with all the subtlety of a WWE match. It's a shame Ya Ya couldn't hear the circus music while she was being filmed, because I think that would have been a tremendous help. You hear circus music, you know you're doing something wrong. Crazy Hairdo Lady is diplomatic: "Norelle didn't do very nicely, actually." Haw! Ya Ya wins again, dad blast it. She shares the prize of a visit to a hot springs spa with Amanda. Amanda says that with a smaller number of contestants left, "You're finding out who's real and who's not." Ya Ya is "real?" Ow! Sorry, sparks are shooting out of my head again.

That night the ladies go to a restaurant. Eva is miserable because nobody likes her. Tyra shows up, goads the women into complaining about one another, and leaves. She doesn't exit through the door -- she wraps a cloak about herself and dissolves into a cloud of vampire bats. Ann brings up Eva's anti-Norelle comment once again. Ya Ya jumps into the fray because no one is paying attention to her. Eva looks like she's going to cry. She apologizes to Norelle, but Ann keeps going after her and I still haven't figured out how this is any of Ann's business. Eva fights back by pointing out that Ann thinks Norelle won't win because her hips are too big. In an interview, Norelle says, "I was so confused." Really, you could have put that snippet of video into any episode of this show and it would never be out of context.

For the next challenge, the women have to pose with a mobile phone while wearing a kimono, a goofy wig, and kooky Kabuki makeup. Eva takes Norelle aside and apologizes again, "from the bottom of [her] heart." Norelle, bless her, accepts the apology with gusto and gives Eva a hug. When it's time for the shoot, Tyra demonstrates how the contestants should pose and God DAMN is she good. Even with a ridiculous Tina Turner fright wig she manages to look sexy. Needless to say, the demonstration makes nary a dent in how the contestants pose. Amanda keeps spinning around like if she does it enough times she'll turn into Wonder Woman. Jay warns Ya Ya, "Don't lose your neck!" Sound advice, that. I once lost my neck for a whole week and it made it really hard to drive. I finally found it wedged behind the refrigerator. Norelle's turn is scored with more circus music. She's utterly clueless about posing. Ann is a disaster. Jay tries to get her to think of poses by referencing movies: "Did you ever see My Fair Lady?" NOPE. Heh! Sorry, Jay, but if you're going to reference an Audrey Hepburn film with Ann, you'd have better luck with The Children's Hour. Eva does a good job. Suddenly Naomi Campbell rushes in, grabs the mobile phone from Eva's hand, and uses it to beat everyone senseless. Okay, not really.

Panel time! The guest judge: Kyoko Higa, a.k.a. Amelie Longstocking. For their test, the women have to walk in a "high fashion" manner while wearing a kimono and holding the mobile phone. Ya Ya does well. Amanda does a good job, too. Janice tells her, "You look beautiful like a bonsai butterfly." I think somebody finally balanced her medications! CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP. Why, it's Ann! And she's walking like a pissed-off Clydesdale! Norelle's walk is a sickly little shuffle while she uses one hand to hold an invisible tray of invisible watercress sandwiches. Alright, she's actually holding the phone. But the first time I saw it, I couldn't even see the teeny little phone and I thought that Norelle had finally lost her mind. Eva still looks shell-shocked. Tyra asks her if it's because of the competition. I don't know why, but Eva says that it is and she doesn't mention Ann. When the judges deliberate, Tyra says that she loves Eva less because she's depressed. Gah! Ouch! Stupid sparks!

Amanda gets first place this week and Ya Ya gets second. Eva gets third. Ann wins fourth and she's so thankful that she cries. (Tyra is furious!) In an interview, Norelle says, "I will be a model. I will be America's next top model!" Apparently no one bothered to explain to her that she was kicked out of the contest. Wouldn't it be awesome if she kept showing up?

Next week (okay, okay, this week): Eva can't understand why there is so little English signage in Tokyo and Ann is made up like a clown. A sad clown.