And in honor of Big Monkey, I want to relate my own "big monkey" experience. First off, I want to say that I should probably just stay the hell away from Central City, after the whole Abra Kadabra/Safeway incident and now this. So anyway, I was touring the Flash Museum. (I had to evade multiple security measures to get inside at 11 PM on a Sunday, but what can I say? I hate crowds.) I headed straight for the display of Flash's Rogues and got a deep, booming laugh from all the "fashion don'ts." Next thing I know, Gorilla Grodd smashed through a wall, in search of some weapon in the museum's collection. (And yes, wiseasses,I know gorillas aren't monkeys. Shut your pieholes for ten seconds and let me finish talking.) I flung off my $400 Kenneth Cole peacoat, revealing my kick-ass superhero togs, and shouted, "Stop, in the name of--" and then Grodd nailed me with a weird-looking raygun, and then this happened.
Say hello to Blockade Baboon. (Baboons are monkeys, see?) I think you have to admit that even with a prehensile tail, I was still pretty stylin'. I started hurling things at Grodd, like the replica weaponry on the Rogue mannequins. And the replicas were all fully functional. (When it comes to safety, those Central City folk... well, let's just say they're not the sharpest knives in the drawer.) So, I started battering Grodd left and right with electro-shock boomerangs and exploding yoyos, and every time he came after me, I just leaped nimbly out of the way or turned myself into a monkey-sized steel wall. As for Grodd's "mind powers," well what do you think the yellow things on my costume are for? Snacks? Okay, they're for snacks too, but mainly they're mental deflectors that bathe my whole nervous system in a warm, comforting blanket of anti-psychic energy. Plus the ones on my shoulders can each hold, like, three Milky Way bars. But I digress. I finally managed to take Grodd down with Heat Wave's flame pistol, but my monkey fingers couldn't work it exactly right. I was trying for "lightly toasted" but I ended up with "charbroiled." The smell of burnt gorilla dingleberries... not pleasant! I'd stopped Grodd, but his monkey raygun didn't have a reverse setting. (And frankly, why would it have?) And I couldn't talk, or even write legibly! When the Elongated Man showed up, I had to work my baboon ass off to seem adorable as freaking possible, just so he'd take me home with him instead of sending me to a zoo or an animal shelter. Three long, grueling months later, he and his wife took me with them on one of their interminable road trips, I got my monkey hands on a wish-granting Navajo totem, and ker-POW! So long, suckers! There's just one thing, though...
You know how when somebody loses a hand or a foot, they can still feel phantom pains? Sometimes... I can still feel that tail. [shudders]
6 comments:
Hello, Blockade Baboon!
Wait, so, three fun-size Milky Ways or three full-size?
Grodd's monkey ray somehow miniaturized my costume so it would fit me when it transformed me into a baboon. So, the Milky Ways were full-size, but then they got shrank down into fun-size... which in a way was more traumatic for me than the "turning into a monkey" part.
Man, Blockade Boy - you're really slow. Why not ask for suggestions from your readers and friends, if you're having trouble finding them. Scipio of the Absorbascon in particular, I'm sure, has an eye for this sort of thing. In the meantime, some I've noticed are: Manhunter, the original Atom, Antaeus, Aztek (that helmet is just too much), Cicada, the Crimson Fox, Killer Frost *coughslutcough*, and, come to think of it, just about everybody associated with Firestorm.
Hey, don't rush the man. Although, you've got a point about those Firestorm associates. Seriously, what's up there?
i feel your pain -- in sensurround! I wish I could post more often, jarlsberg's, but once or twice a month is all I can manage. I suppose I could do a few mini-posts inbetween the monster ones. At any rate, it's not a matter of not finding ugly costumes to re-do -- hell, Image alone must have a couple thousand of 'em. It's just that doing the artwork takes up the better part of a day for me, so it's kind of a big job.
I happen to like Aztek's helmet (just not the rest of his costume -- too boring!) but I agree with you about Cicada. I really hate most of Scott Kolins' costume designs. The man is a menace. And spot your freakin' blacks while you're at it! All it takes is an "x" to indicate shadow for your inker, and when you're so lazy you can't even be bothered to do it for the SHADOWS AROUND GRODD'S EYES, there's something wrong with you. Er, sorry, got a bit carried away there.
Oh, and phillip? Thanks for having my back. You're a pal.
I don't redesign villain costumes, but I know that a certain Legion-era acquaintance of mine (not Weight Wizard) will present an April fool's post doing just that.
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