Friday, April 28, 2006

My Most Daring Fashion Intervention Yet

new barber

"New barber?" "Short?" Who on God's green earth could that sniper be referring to?

wolvie dress casual

This is from "Wolverine and the Punisher" #2 (November 1993). Way-out artistic interpretation of Wolverine by Gary Erskine.

So the mutant healing factor provides no defense against bad hair days, huh? If Wolverine was a real person -- and haven't we all masturbated about that? -- I suppose this is how his hair would be. Greasy, tangled, and reeking of cigar smoke. None of those achingly dated "animal ear" points. (Wolverine won a Timberwolf Scholarship to the Cain And Abel School of Cosmetology!)

But seriously... Wolvie! Er, may I call you Wolvie? No? Fine. And please move your claws away from my jugular vein. Many thanks. Seriously, Mister Wolverine, you're a mess. Run a brush through that rat's nest and apply some product. Or at least tie it back in a ponytail -- I'm pretty sure I've seen you do that before. And stop slouching! It looks like you have a hump. And about your clothes -- when you're short and stocky, loose-fitting clothes are a huge no-no. They make you look a good fifty pounds heavier. Look at yourself here. You look fat! You're not fat. You've got washboard abs, for Pete's sake! Not that you can tell in this little ensemble. And the whole "civilian clothes over superhero costume" thing just ain't workin'. Not when you can see the costume poking out. You don't see painters wearing tanktops over their coveralls, do ya? Or Marines wearing cut-off jeans over their crisply pressed dress trousers. I know you know this. It's like you're just stumbling around in a daze here. SNAP OUT OF IT!

heat image

Yeah, that and the hair.


Anonymous said...

Oh, GOD!! What is going on here? I have literally seen hairy ass Wolverine covered in sewage and blood looking better than that! I have seen Wolverine wearing Oakley wraparounds and a wife beater with enough gel in his hair to turn his 'ears' into two little poo dreads, sweating his way across Mexico, looking better than that. Naked Wolverine with wires coming out of his eyes looks better than that. Even the yellow costume...well, I'll think about that one.

What's happening with his facial hair? Those aren't muttonchops. It looks like he was going for the full-on cavalry whiskers (which I admit would be dashing) but then his upper lip got hacked off by Lydy Dythstryke or whatever that mad slapper's name was. By the time it grew back, that's what he was working with. Criminey, Logan!

You know who he looks like in this third panel? Nixon. Stare at it for a second, it'll come to you.

It's one thing to dress like you don't give a damn, Logan, but really not giving a damn just leads to catastrophes like this. God, put on a Hawaiian shirt! It'll make you look more dignified!

I can't look. BB, you will be doing us all a great service if you take Mr. Howlett down to Petco Land and have him groomed. Tell him if he's good, you'll buy him a squeeky toy.

Anonymous said...

Indeed. I have no words.

Anonymous said...

The clothes provoke and disturb. The hair defies explanation. The gloves implore me to break the dance. And still I rise.

Please redesign 3-D Man. He is my god. My hurtin', but hurtin', god.

BTW- I like lemonade. What flavor is blockade?

Jeremy Rizza said...

Constantine: You smacked down Richard Milhouse Wolverine's fashion choices with even more humor and straight-up ruthlessness than I did! Bravo, good sir!

Chawunky: Maybe Wolvie's look was especially intended to stupify his foes. Like, Sabretooth would try to pounce on him from a rooftop but he'd get so distracted by Wolverine's bizarre get-up that he'd fail to stick his landing and wind up crashing head-first into a dumpster.

Oh, and the laminate floor turned out great, by the way!

Anonymous: Check out my September 4, 2005 post and you'll find out exactly what kind of artificially-flavored drink mix I'd be. I'm not kidding. I wish I was kidding, but I'm not.

Anonymous said...

You weren't kidding.
I had no idea you would be so cute in green.
Fruity-licious, thy name is Blockade Boy!

Anonymous said...

Huzzah! But own up, BB. Youse busted some futurey space floor technology on your pal, huh?

And the more I look at that outfit, stupefaction is paramount, but then I see the fingerless gloves and just get angry. I was gonna say something about how Wolvie doesn't wear yellow shirts but remembered he often wears a yellow COSTUME (however often I choose to ignore it)...

Jeremy Rizza said...

Anonymous: *blush!*

Chawunky: Okay, you got me. At first I was worried about warping the course of human history but when I saw how many square feet we'd have to cover I decided, "Fork it, let's turn this puppy out" and then it was off to my time bubble to fetch the nanobots. Got that floor installed in 7.85 seconds. Now, my actions somehow will cause the United States to be ruled from 2018 to 2054 by the tyrannical Dictator-For-Life Kevin Federline but I think it was worth it. Popo zao!