Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Letters From A Henchman, Part Two: Evil On Parade


Dear Gladys,

I ben in prison again for two hole months now and you never come seen me or wrote me or nothing so I am writing you a new letter to say how come. Maybe you never got the last letter I sent you so to sum up, since I got outta prison I racked up some pretty heavvy gambeling debts but then I gotta job to pay them off only the job was for this supervillain named "Meeraj" and he was gonna kidnap the Thing from a hospitle but it turns out Meeraj ain't that good a supervillain and long story short we got caught and I'm in prison again. Also I asked you to send some mackaroons for me and my cell mate Fabian cause it turns out we both like mackaroons. But in case you DID get my last letter then you remmember how I said I would tell you what happenned when I was in that big supervillain army that was in all the papers so here goes.

Like I told you before Daredevil was beating the holy hell outta us henchmen but then Meeraj decides he is gonna take him on singlehanded and he uses his illuzhun deal to make dooplickets of himself so I elbow this other guy Charlie and I say "This hole jobs gone south so whaddaya say we make a break for it" and Charlie says "Thats a pretty good idea." So we take off those dumb head gear things Meeraj made us wear and we just stroll around the corner easy as you please trying to disguise our limps and trying to make sure none a the bloody teeth Daredevil knocked loose fall outta our mouths and also we pass a supply closet so Charlie and me slip in there real quick and put on some operating pajamas over our bad guy outfits and next thing you know we are near the front door. Oh and meanwhile a bunch a other crap is going on like Thor fighting the Mole Man so its not like people are paying any attenshun to us anyway. But right outside the front doors is four cops with guns and me and Charlie deside to double-back but then this guy in a black catfish mask or something knocks them all out with a gas grenade and we figger he's gonna walk right in thru the doors but instead he blasts a hole in the wall NEAR the doors and walks thru THAT which is just stupid. And then he gets punched in the kisser by Ant Man and then ants attack and he runs away. And then Ant Man flies off so we finally can make it outside and I am thinking we are home free but then we run smack dab into this guy named "The Melter" who right away can tell we are henchmen so he pretty much orders us to join his supervillain army. And I know what you say Gladys about how I shud stand up for myself more but I was really stuck there, I mean I don't got no super powers and the other guy was named "The Melter" which told me right then and there that if I did'nt do what he said he was gonna melt something offa me like maybe an arm or even my head. So the Melter marches us thru a alley to a old department store that nobody was using and it is filled to the gills with bad guys. I see a lotta guys I seen on teevee before like the Constrickter and the Rhino and the Beatle and Blacklash plus that one guy with the big giant head and the Pete Rose haircut, M.U.R.D.O.C.K. or whatever. And also my cell mate Fabian was there! Only I did'nt know it at the time since we had'nt met yet and also he was in a suit of armer and he called hisself the Meckano Marawder. Anyway some a them had already got their tails kicked in the hospitle but they figgered strenth in numbers so why not just head back down there in a mob? So we did.

Dork Parade

Well I wish I could say we were a scary site but to tell the truth a lotta the guys were kinda chubby and out a shape espeshully the Constrickter and even the ones who were halfway fit were dressed like freaking circus clowns like Blacklash and that dumb green Judy Jetson ponytail of his or the Melter and his two-tone stripey pants and teeny helmet or even my pal Fabian who had a suit that made him look like a robot version of our nations capital. And then the women were'nt even hot or nothing they were wresslers I guess so they had man sholders and these huge fat asses and I swear that one lady Poundcakes even had what looked to me like a shlong. Oh and the only skinny one was Screaming Mimi but she was even dressed EXACKTLY like a clown with the face paint and the ruffly skirt like Cyndi Lauper and you know how much I valew our merrage Gladys so let me confess right here and now that yes I was thinking about putting the moves on her but then it ockurred to me how much I love you and also she came off as kinda twitchy and crazy and like a real ball cutter if you know what I mean so I left well enuff alone. So anyway we are marching down the street and me and Charlie are stuck in the back with the Mole Man's guys plus I have to walk right behind the Rhino who smells like our Naugahyde couch after that one time when your brother Freddie got drunk and peed hisself so already I can tell this whole mess is not going to turn out good. And alla the people on the sidewalks are pointing at us and gabbing and they look real ecksited but they do'nt look scared or nothing cause like I said we ressemballed a parade more than a army. That one guy M.U.R.D.O.C.K. even FLOATS like a Macy's Thanksgiving Day balloon. If I remmember it rite I think one kid even yelled at us and wanted to know why we were'nt throwing any candy. And then we don't even make it back inside the hospitle cause there is a ekwally big army of superheros waiting for us right outside the doors and then we all throw down.


There were some good guys I reckognized like Captin America and the Fantastick Four but also a bunch I never seen before or at least if I did I do'nt remmember which cud be from all the times they knocked me in the head. Like there was this metal guy in red hip-waders and this furry blue guy with a devil tail and also the HULK was there if you can belive it even tho I still ca'nt cause I did'nt even know the Hulk WAS a good guy since he mainly just runs around destroying shit and also is'nt the US GOVERMENT looking for him rite now? I mean it'd be like if the cops in London were shooting at some bank robbers and then the Irish Republickan Army shows up and says to the cops "Hey can we help?"

So in the fight a couple a our guys get taken out right away like Meeraj OF COURSE and also the Melter which is just sad since the whole clusterfuck was HIS IDEA IN THE FIRST PLACE but by then we are in the middle of it so we ca'nt just turn tail and run. Me and Charlie are just doing our best to stay out a the way, ducking and dodging and shit and then Thor nails Fabian right in the belly but he manages to get a few shots off which is cool but the only fighters he took out with them are the Mole Man's guys so that's like minus points for our team. Now I am not one hunderd percent positiv this next part happened like I saw it so bear with me but I coulda sworn Spider-Man shot a web outta his CROTCH and rode the Rhino around like a bull at a rodeo, anyways thats what it looked like from my angle. Also this short hairy-armed guy in a ugly orange and brown outfit is fighting Blacklash using KNIVES on his hands so I guess he's another villain who got confused like Fabian did. I bet his face is read now! The last thing I remmember this orange Bigfoot guy I never seen before lifts some robot guy I never seen before over his head and then M.U.R.D.O.C.K. shoots a squiggly laser outta his noggin and lifts the Bigfoot guy offa the ground and tosses him like twenty feet thru the air and guess who he lands on? Yours truly. Not to menshun the Bigfoot guy got knocked out so I'm trapped underneath him with his knee-length pubes in my mouth until the cops show up.

So now I'm in jail again. Gladys I know we had our problems but I miss you and to tell you the truth what scares me most is how much I DO'NT MIND seeing no women around here. Fabian is great and we can talk for hours and hours or sometimes we just look at each other which is nice too since he has these really good looking eyes and a nice smile and his back massahges are the BEST but you are my wife and we will always have that. So please come and see me here real soon okay? I love you.

Your faithfull husband,

P.S. Don't forget the mackaroons.


Bully said...

I for one would so totally buy a Lenny ongoing series.

"I coulda sworn Spider-Man shot a web outta his CROTCH" made me snort milk out of my nose. And I wasn't even drinkin' milk!

Anonymous said...

Oh dear me that was awesome.

gorjus said...

This is arguably the best thing ever written.

Anonymous said...

Blockade Boy, this rocks! Both of the letters from Lenny have made me laugh out loud. I love the "outsiders view on ludicrous superheroes and supervillains" theme. So much good stuff...MODOK as MURDOCK and him floating like a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon, the Melter getting beat down early even though the whole thing was his plan, etc. Great stuff! Keep it up!

BTW, I've read commentary on Mirage's outfit saying it looks like a legal pad. Too true!

Maybe Havok, the High Evolutionary, and Mirage should compare notes...they both have had the whole "handle on head" look going on.

Scipio said...

"Spider-Man shot a web outta his CROTCH and rode the Rhino around like a bull at a rodeo"

That is so totally hot! Marvel needs to hire Tom of Finland.

So ... was there a real reason these 9th rate villains decided to throw themselves into heroes' fists instead of robbing something and running away, like any sensible crook?

Was this like Marvel's answer to the Secret Society?

Jeremy Rizza said...

Aw, gosh! Thanks again, guys! Since you all enjoyed these last two posts so much, I can guarantee future letters from Lenny with more accounts of his adventures in henching and more of his down-to-earth "fashun crittisism."

And Scipio, no, there wasn't a real reason why those 9th rate bad guys decided to march en masse into a crowd of good guys. Just like there was no reason for Shellshock to incapacitate the four cops guarding the doors to the hospital and then blast a hole through the wall, which he could have done at any part of the building. Writer Tom DeFalco was trying to be humorous for many parts of this story but I don't think all the logic holes were intentional. Some of the blame may lie with artist Ron Wilson, who drew characters in the villain army who had previously been show getting their asses kicked inside the hospital, with no indication story-wise of how they could have escaped. It's still a fun comic, but it doesn't necessarily make any sense.

Anonymous said...

M.U.R.D.O.C.K! Spider-man's crotch! BWAHAHAHA

Steven said...


Lenny's not a real person? His letters are made up by Blockade Boy, fugitive from the 30th Century and amateur costume critic? What kind of Frey-scam are you trying to pull?

Next you'll tell me Storm Boy's not real either, or Barney's not really Postmodern, or there's no big monkey selling comics in Georgetown! What else have you been keeping from me?

My world has been SHATTERED.

< finds couch. assists self to it. >


Jeremy Rizza said...

Steven, I just got another missive from Lenny!

"Blockade Boy you tell that crumbum Steven I AM TOO real and if he do'nt think so I will track down the version of him what exsists in my own univers and if he ai'nt a mutant or nothing I will give him what for. And also if anybody is wondering why I let some future guy print my letters to Gladys its because I think it will make a nice historicle record like those one books that collect letters from Lord Byron or to Penthouse Forum and also Gladys ai'nt never wrote me back YET so what wood she care so theres a perfeckly logicle explanashun for it and no funny stuff is going on okay?"

I hope that clears things up.