Monday, June 26, 2006

Booblivion

The other day I asked Jeremy just what the hell he was thinking when he bought "Oblivion" #1 (Comico, August 1995). He just shrugged and said, "Art Adams cover." I thwacked him on his forehead with my thumb and forefinger and asked him if he'd even glanced at the interior before he'd bought it. He said "No." So of then course I had to punch him in the arm really hard. But he didn't even flinch, the l'il trooper!

Well, it doesn't surprise me that Jeremy didn't look through "Oblivion" before he bought it. "Oblivion" is a comic about perfectly awful people doing perfectly awful things to one another, and Jeremy only likes that on reality TV. Okay, so he used to enjoy Warren Ellis but he got sick of that guy about five years ago. And "Oblivion" author Jack Herman is no Warren Ellis.

But of course, what I find most offensive about this comic is the costuming.

While I applaud the idea of a gold-plated handgun to go with gold satin boots, I'm just not buying this as a military uniform. Winged knees do not authority confer. (I think Sun Tzu said that.) Then there's the busty chest plate, which lifts and separates the holy hell out of her breasts. Doesn't look comfortable. And I'm pretty sure she stole the facemask thingie from 90's-era Jean Grey. Do you think the collar is a mite wide? The guys in this comic get even wider collars. Their heads are practically swimming in the damn things. I bet penciller Andrew Dimitt had a problem with people touching him on the neck.



Oh, come freakin' on. How long does it take these women to get suited up for battle? Three hours? I remember an old "Project Runway" episode where some guy had designed a swimsuit with less straps than this and neither he nor his model could remember how to even get into it the second time. Plus, you have to love how after all that strappy foofarah there's still several square yards of skin exposed. Well, at least their knees are well protected, huh?



Of course she's the commander. Isn't fishnet the universal symbol of leadership? You can't see it in these panels, but the fishnet is also the only thing covering her ass. Aaaannnd the whole get-up is backless! Jibbidy. You know what I'd like to see? A remake of "Gettysburg" where all the combatants are clad only in leather jockstraps. And their preparation for the big battle would involve a lot of scented oils.

But wait! "Oblivion" finds other ways to objectify the female body!



If they'd only stay little 'til their Carters wore out, huh? Osh-Kosh B'HOLY SHIT! And what precisely is keeping her breasts inside that thing? Is it just exceptionally cold in there or what? And the even stupider part is, she's still in the same dress in a battle scene at another location later on in the comic. Yipes.

I want to personally bitchslap every single person involved with this comic. Even Bill Willingham, who created some of the characters but had absolutely nothing to do with the actual production of this particular issue. Just because I like to be thorough. I might have to bitchslap all the people who worked at the printing plant and the distributor and the UPS drivers who delivered the comics. And then the people who worked at the comic book stores that sold it.

Sure, it could take a while, but it will be totally worth it.

7 comments:

Steven said...

First you'd have to bitch slap the consumer, i.e. Jeremy, for buying this piece of crap in the first place.

Before you pointed out that they were leather straps, I really thought the commandos were wearing tiger striped unitards under their armor, which wouldn't be stealthy or nothing but wouldn't cut off blood flow neither.

A remake of "Gettysburg" where all the combatants are clad only in leather jockstraps. And their preparation for the big battle would involve a lot of scented oils.

Well, not Gettysburg, but any version of the battle of Thermopylae would look a lot like that. Manliest battle in Western history, and it started with ritual hairdressing.

Anonymous said...

Winged knees may not confer authority but they do twist your legs around at awkward angles, apparently...

Chawunky said...

^^^Yeah. And personally, I wouldn't dress so top-heavily if I had all those extra vertebra .

Justin Garrett Blum said...

The Commander of the Golem troopers looks like she raided Aeon Flux's closet, but had to tailor one of those outfits up to make it even more trampy.

Blockade Boy said...

Steven: I think our sweet little Jeremy has been through quite enough just having to read the comic. A bitchslap would be redundant.

Anonymous and Chawunky: I think she was born with extra kneecaps...

Justin: And she swiped one of Dream Girl's wigs! (Oops -- just spilled another Legion secret! Totally by accident, I swear.)

Scipio said...

""Oblivion" is a comic about perfectly awful people doing perfectly awful things to one another"

And Marvel didn't snap it up?

"A remake of "Gettysburg" where all the combatants are clad only in leather jockstraps. And their preparation for the big battle would involve a lot of scented oils."

I'll mail you my copy on DVD. Look for me in segment six, I'm "Lieutenant Lunge".

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