Monday, June 12, 2006

No Huggy No Kissy 'Til I Get A Disintegrator Ring

So, I've been reading Jeremy's copy of "The Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe" Volume 2, #8 (July, 1986) and I feel I need to point out a major error. The descriptions of what the Mandarin's rings do are totally incorrect. It's clear to me that the writers were just pulling this nonsense out of their asses. Thank heaven I'm here to set things right!

We'll just go down the list, starting with the left column.

Left Hand

Little finger:
OHMU says: "ice blast"
I say: "materializes a set of novelty store hillbilly teeth for a quick, easy disguise"

Ring finger:
OMHU says: "mento-intensifier"
I say: "spritzes Elizabeth Taylor's 'Diamonds and Sapphires' perfume. Contains notes of ylang ylang, lily of the valley, rose, jasmine, and spice. Aim it at your foe's eyes or apply some to your pulse points for a romantic evening with that 'special henchman.'"

Middle finger:
OMHU says: "electro-blast"
I say: "instantly pickles anything, from cucumbers to millionaire playboy industrialists."

Index finger:
OMHU says: "flame blast"
I say: "gives your opponent 'hogdog fingers.'"

OMHU says: "white light"
I say: "so-called 'earring ray' can actually pierce any part of your enemy's body, from their eyebrows to their scrotum."

Right hand:

Little finger:
OMHU says: "black light"
I say: "makes pancakes! But it usually burns them."

Ring finger:
OMHU says: "disintegration beam"
I say: "Post-It Note ray is helpful for reminding yourself of evil errands you need to run."

Middle finger:
OMHU says: "vortex beam"
I say: "lobs a frisbee at your enemy's head. Can be countered with: a bandana-wearing golden retriever."

Index finger:
OMHU says: "impact beam"
I say: "hypnotizes anyone into writing a long, boringly academic blog entry about Starro the Starfish Conqueror."

OMHU says: "matter rearranger"
I say: "don't tell anyone, but... it's a clitoris."

There you go!


Anonymous said...

Genius. Reading this was a great way for me to start my day. The golden retriever thing almost killed me.

The Mandarin has got to be the most accessorized male villain ever. Probably why he doesn't get a lot of respect in the Marvel Universe, but I always thought he was a cool character.

Anonymous said...

Great, now I'm imagining The Mandarian riding in the back of a pickup truck singing "Gotta little change in mah pocket goin' jingle-a-ling-a-LEEE-ing!"

Still, clitoris power is not to be sneezed at.

"Lobs a frisbee at your enemy's head. Can be countered with: a bandana-wearing golden retriever."


Anonymous said...

Ack. "Mandarian?" That's a fourteen-year-old's intarweb mistake.

And on further reflection, it is dawning on me that your take on what these rings actually do make them surprisingly effective, and certainly more interesting...

Jeremy Rizza said...

Aw--! Thanks, guys! Reading your comments made my day!