Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Marvel Super Hero Uncomfortable Cocktail Party Of Champions, Part Three


So there I was, kidnapped to floating, space-bound "Exposition Arena", and none of those stuck-up Marvel super-bitches would give me the time of day. Eh, screw 'em. I'm perfectly happy just wandering around and eavesdropping. Perfectly happy! And I'll fight any man who says otherwise! *fists clench anxiously*

Even a youngster like Kitty Pride can detect the smoldering sexual undercurrents in the conversation between Colossus and... whoever the hell that other guy is. I'm thinking it might be Major Ursus, a.k.a. Ursa Major, the Russian guy who turns into a big bear-monster. (Dang it, I forgot to ask for his number.) "Perhaps I feel I can best serve the Motherland by serving the world... as an X-Man!" Oh, kind of like how American freedom is somehow protected by bombing the holy bejeezus out of a foreign land. When I was younger, I really liked Colossus' original costume, but later on I decided it was too busy. Especially with those three random triangle-things on the knees. I liked the John Romita, Jr. red-and-white redesign better -- although it could definitely use less buckles. But it was the 80's. All new super-hero costumes were required to have a minimum of eight buckles. It was in the Comics Code! Kitty is wearing the old, boring original X-Men uniform, which I kind of hate, but I see she's tried to spice things up by flat-ironing her hair. Not that it worked too well. It's about a half-percent change in humidity away from sproinging back into its normal shape. In the background, Texas Twister (sweet handlebar!) lights a celebratory cigar after giving Razorback a thorough, blood-spattered rogering behind the refreshment stand (Razorback's ass gets so much action he might as well give it a velvet rope and a couple of bouncers). Texas Twister's costume is flashy but I think it works for him. It's hard to go wrong with an Old West theme. Ursa Major (or is it?) is wearing the Marvel version of a standard Soviet military uniform so it doesn't count as a costume. So I shan't speak of it.

Hey, Captain America! Do you interrupt all foreign monarchs, or just the African ones? If you read my "Miss America" post way back when, you'll recall that I utterly loathe Captain America (mock my whiskers, will ya! Grrr...!) so I'm not going to talk about his costume, either. I've always liked the Black Panther's duds -- simple, but classic. It's got a good silhouette, too, which is important. In the background, there's muy macho Gorgon, whose costume I like just fine, although I'm mystified by the horned chrome goggle things on his forehead. Can he see though those? And if so, does that make Gorgon one of those tools who walks around with their sunglasses pushed up on their foreheads, even when it's overcast? Well, that would explain the sweater tied around his neck. I think that's the Torpedo in the back, between Black Panther and Cap. The Torpedo had a cool helmet but that was about it. Plain blue super-suit, no logo or styling of any kind on the chestal region, and the goofiest jet-gloves I've ever seen -- and I've seen a lot of jet-gloves. (I'm from the future!) And in the far right corner of the panel... the Silver Banshee?! But she's from DC! And she wasn't even created yet! And why is she wearing a Saturn hat? Hang on, Jeremy is tapping me on one of my brawny, muscular shoulders. What's that, child? Hmm? ...Oh. He says it's actually the Night Rider. Yeah, I never heard of him.

Why, here's Spider-Woman, who has one of the best super-hero costumes ever designed, and Spider-Man, who has one of the worst (although many would disagree, right, Steven?) As you can see, Spider-Woman's glider-wings (which have the magic power to appear and disappear from one panel to the next) have chosen to remain invisible. They're quite fickle, those glider-wings. Oh, and on a more vulgar note: that's not a web line.

The Son of Satan and Doctor Druid are swapping eyebrow-shaping tips! They should have asked Sasquatch. He's considered an expert by those "in the know." Actually, Daimon Hellstrom's eyebrows are naturally Satanic -- he gets them from his dad! Doctor Druid resorted to a mystical bargain to achieve those awesome Spock-brows. The price? The rest of his hair. There's a shadowy demi-god out there right now with a thick, wavy pompadour. It was totally worth it, though. I mean, who's going to hire a magician who has eyebrows like Whoopi Goldberg?


Anonymous said...

Yeah, he's the Night Rider aka Ghost Rider aka Phantom Rider. He's on everyone's favorite team of superheroes from the American southwest, the Rangers. Incidentally, the same team the Texas Twister is on. He's one in a long line of Phantom Riders stretching back to the old west. I think he looks like the original White Tiger dressed up like a cowboy.

Blockade Boy, I'm surpirsed you didn't comment on the shapely waist of the Black Widow, just barely visible underneath the chin of Colossus. Hey, how come Ursa Major isn't giving HER grief for not serving Mother Russia? Maybe because he knows he can get away with it with Colossus, because the big tin guy is basically a nice dude. Black Widow is a trained spy and assassin and if Ursa tried that nonsense with her, he'd probably end up wrapped in a tarp and dumped in a landfill somewhere.

Your comments about Hellstorm and Doctor Druid were absolutely hilarious, by the way.

I can't wait until you get to some of the other howlingly awful international heroes like Arabian Knight and Collective Man. I'm sure they pop up at some point in Exposition Arena. The dubious honor of most stereotypical goes to Shamrock, I think. The only way they could have made her worse is to give her a lepruchaun for a sidekick and a magic harp.

Anonymous said...

The dialogue in these panels is totally putting me in mind of the stilted cadence of awards-show presenters' banter.

Anonymous said...

How the heck does Ursa Major know who Colossus is? He walks right up to him and knows his name and hometown. Does every Russian know every other Russian, or what? Were they childhood friends or something? You can see the gears turning in Kitty's head as she ponders the same question. Colossus, of course, is too thick to wonder about it.

My word verification: zubok. Surely there is a Jack Kirby character somewhere with that name.

Steven said...

Ya damn RIGHT I disagree.

I'm surprised everyone is still, you know, just milling. Like, they are all mildly curious why they've all been kidnapped, but NO ONE seems to be actually doing anything about it.

If you were back home and this happened, don't you think Batman and Mr. Terrific would IMMEDIATELY be going into detective mode, analyizing Exposition Arena while Flash runs recon around the entire place and Superman organizes the crowd for their eventual escape attempt.

Anonymous said...

Spider-Woman's costume is pretty much a Comics Code-approved revamp of Vampirella's costume.

Scipio said...



I swear, some times I couldn't care less WHAT you're saying because I'm so entranced with HOW you say it...!

Bully said...

Somewhere off in the distance the Beyonder is watching and slapping his forehead and thinking "Guh! If I ever kidnap Earth heroes to battle for fabulous cash prizes against each other, I'm not going to bring all these freakin' second stringers."

Jeremy Rizza said...

Anonymous: Dang, I had meant to include the Black Widow in my comments but I done plumb forgot. (It was going to be a joke about how her placement in that panel made it look like Colossus had a Captain Lou Albano beard.)

Chawunky: Genius. The contest even has the heroes looking for sections of a "Golden Globe."

Anonymous: It's the Magic of Comics, my friend!

Steven: Excellent point about the milling. I guess Marvel characters are just used to standing around and wondering about things.

Anonymous: Huh. I still like Spider-Woman's better.

Scipio: *blush*

Bully: Plus the Beyonder had the good sense to make a toy tie-in deal with all the heroes and villains involved. He's still living off the royalties!