Monday, February 12, 2007

Rescue Me: Commander Kraken

bboy07head Greetings from the 30th century! I have good news and I have bad news. What's that? You want the bad news first? Man, are you a downer! Alrighty then. The bad news: due to time constraints (i.e. my old/new boyfriend Weight Wizard is insatiable) I have to reduce my posting to once-a-week. The good news: every post will feature a new costume redesign. I have a huge backlog but I'll get to every one I promised I would.

By the way, how do you like the new muttonchops? They're even bigger and muttonchoppier than the old ones! And the hair? It's eminently mussable. And Weight Wizard loves to muss it, believe you me! And I love the red. I decided to splurge and get myself a professional coloring job -- from Color Kid, natch. The man is an artist.

Okay, okay, enough about me. For now! Let's get down to business. Last summer (your time) I started redesigning the costumes of every supervillain ever killed by Scourge, based on my theory that they would have been spared by the vigilante and gone on to live rich, fulfilling lives, if only they'd dressed better. This week, I solve a problem called "Commander Kraken."


Kraken was a modern-day (your time) pirate. Just by definition he should have been cool and boss and rad as heck, but no dice. He was just a goober with complicated facial hair (quiet, you!) and a pathetic little three-pronged prosthetic hand. On the plus side, he also had a squid and said things like "Squeeze, my beauty -- squeeze!!" But take away the squid, and what do you get? A big, hairy, three-pronged zero.

So here's how I would have spruced him up.


You all know how much I adore historic costume -- waistcoats and thigh-length boots and tricorner hats and trapeze dresses and hoodies and such -- but that solution would have been too easy. So instead I went high-tech. The modest li'l prosthesis is gone, replaced by a way-cool robotic squid-arm with lashing tentacle action! (Insert lascivious comment from Scipio here.) Instead of pirate garb I have an ocean-themed wetsuit. I added a few traditional outlaw elements, like the Zorro mask-scarf-thing and the hair. When the Commander reappeared, in an issue of "The Cat," he had a squid-like beard, but I trimmed that down to a long, dangly biker 'stache so it wouldn't distract from the suit. Or the squid!


Scipio said...

Oh my!

Do you have his number?

Anonymous said...

Pretty distinctive. The cyberlimb is an intriguing piece of design. It would be fun to illustrate in a Cap'n Kraken story, I expect!

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

I dig the squidlimb, too. I would have kept the original boots on the guy though, but that's just me. I'm a sucker for pirate boots.

Bully said...

I'm diggin' the new design. But..."updated every Monday"? Awwwwwwwwww!

Jeremy Rizza said...

Scipio: Yes, actually, but he only communicates via two conch shells connected by a length of twine.

Chawunky: Thanks! I think the Commodore could grab a good guy's noggin in that device and really eff him up.

Jon: I hear what you're saying about the pirate boots -- it's just that I wanted to go in the opposite direction from that. But yeah, I love pirate boots. In fact, I own seventeen pair of them!

Bully: Sorry! I wish I had the time to do three blogs -- mine, one with Manny and Lenny and one with the Empathoid -- but I could barely keep up with this one. At least this way, I can give you all costume designs on a regular basis. And now that I'm home, I can dish all the 30th Century gossip! (Dream Girl? Trannie. But you didn't hear it from me.)

Anonymous said...

Looks good. I'm a big fan of bringing back the older characters and giving them an update. Creates continuity.

Dean Trippe said...

Your Kraken should face off against Paul Maybury's Namor! :D

But is it a super-battle or a walk-off? IT'S A WALK-OFF.

Nepharia said...

As i have told you on several previous occassions, you look fetching no matter what you wear. Although I do especially like the red hair and green eyes. And the mutton chops just add to the *yum* factor.