Sunday, April 01, 2007

Me Am Here!

btothead HI! HI! HI! Me am BLOCKADE TOT! Me am awesome super-baby living on moon! Me am three years old! Me not especially good with personal pronouns! Me am from many many years in PAST! Funny man in purple robe SNATCH me from day-care on moon-colony! Him plop me down here on planet Earth in front of future-self's computer to see what me do because he am avid reader of future-self's blog and him think it BORING right now! Me not know where future-self is but me think me am SWELL REPLACEMENT!

What can me tell you 'bout me? Me like: macaroni and space cheese, rainbows (though me never actually see one), horsies, rubbing mommy's feet. Me hate: moon rover sickness, Winath sprouts, daddy's "friend" Justine. Me have super-power! Me can turn into three-foot by three-foot steel wall! Mommy use me as PET GATE sometimes so old limping half-blind space-terrier Spaat not get into trouble! Me have to stand at top of stairs for HOURS! Sometimes mommy and mommy's friends am in next room playing Cosmic Mah-Jong and drinking Orando Slings until they DRUNK and mommy FORGET about Blockade Tot! Then it morning again and she want feet rubbed and she holler "WHERE AM that damn kid?" And me say "Here mommy! Here!" Then she say "Oops!" and she apologize but me not sure she really mean it! Me think she am kind of SCREWED UP! Me still love her though!


Other name is "Phyl Staad" but that am lame! So me INSIST mommy and daddy and day-care lady and other kids call me Blockade Tot! If mommy and daddy and day-care lady forget well there not much me can do 'bout it! (Mommy say Daddy forget WHOLE BUNCH OF THINGS sometimes! Like where him live and who him married to!) But if KIDS forget then me punch them on arm REAL REAL HARD or me push them down or me grab kids' feet and drag them 'cross gravelly part of playground! Them all learn by now! All except best friend Weight Novice!


Weight Novice am shrimpy kid! Other kids all pick on Weight Novice except him am always hanging around me! That am because me am MUCH BIGGER than other kids! Because me am only kid on whole moon-colony from planet Amadus! That am also why me only kid in day-care with hairy legs!

Weight Novice like to TEASE ME and TEASE ME! Him call me "Phyl" and "Phylbert" and "Phyl-ly Cheese Steak" and "Cum On Phyl the Noize" (which am Amadus planetary anthem) and him NEVER call me "Blockade Tot" and me get SUPER-ANGRY! So me shove him on ground and me just lay on top of him for real long time yelling "Say name! Say name!" until him CRYING! And then me roll off him. And me and him get giggle fit! Ha, ha!


One time Weight Novice make himself super-weightless and him start to float away but me grab Weight Novice's foot with big hairy hand and then me just carry him 'round all day like him am HELIUM BALLOON! That pretty funny too! Weight Novice no longer wear
red or yellow or blue no more because me sat him down and TOLD him he not look good in primary colors! So now him only wear purple and orange! Just like me! Me also responsible for Weight Novice getting more flattering haircut! Mommy and Daddy think me spend WAY TOO MUCH TIME over at Weight Novice's house! ME think Mommy and Daddy spend way too much time over by liquor cabinet! Ha, ha!

Funny man in purple robe say this am enough already! Him say me am kind of DOWNER so him am sending me back in time again and also to moon-colony! Me want to STAY and read some of future-self's blog! Like ALREADY me see that someday me have a ROBOTIC DINGUS which me am pretty sure am kind of wild doggie from Australia! So THAT am cool! When me all growed up, me ride robotic dingus every day! Oops! Funny man in purple robe am just shaking head! Him say "Time's up!" This am it! BYE-BYE EVERYBODY! BYE-BYE!



Michael said...

Wow, this looks SO much better directly on your page than it does reading it via Bloglines. All I saw there was just plain ol' black text.

Bye bye, Tot, see you next year!

Bully said...

Where can I buy Blockade Tot merchandise!?!?

Jeremy Rizza said...

Christ, I spend one weekend on Femnaz so I can visit the Interplanetary Sportsbra Museum and research styles for my Titania redesign, and when I come back all hell has broken loose! The funny thing is, I don't remember this happening to me at all. Huh.

Michael: Bloglines? Whee, exposure!

Bully: That's an excellent idea! Sadly, there's no official Blockade Tot swag in your dimension or era, but if you pick up any Hobbit doll you're more than halfway there.

I'll post the Titania design tonight (and if I do say so myself, it's a-lookin' fiiiiine.)

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Aw, Blockade Tot is so cute.

Scipio said...

Tell the Time Trapper I owed him one for the laughs!

Currently I'm trying to picture YOU on Femnaz. I want the story of what happened...

Jeremy Rizza said...

Jon: Yes, I was a gorgeous child. Mom entered me in the moon-colony's Beautiful Baby contest when I was two (although it took a ton of paperwork to convince he judges I was really that young) and for a few blissful months I thought I'd have a future on the pageant circuit. Then Skyylab introduced a new flavor of vodka and Mom's energies were focused elsewhere.

Scipio: When I first read the phrase "funny man in purple robe" I just assumed it was you, Scip!

Scipio said...

I should slap you with a corn-dog for that, BB!

Anonymous said...

You don't remember this? So, it can be assumed that your memory has a...five year gap?

Ow! The joke hurts, but I had to make it!

Jeremy Rizza said...

Scipio: Ah, shades of my high school "Spring Fling" dance at the Space Carnival. (Gold Boy, I forgive you!)

Crowded House: I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about. *wink* Sorry, I seem to have something in my eye.