Friday, December 28, 2007

Sweet Smell of Distress

I got a heck of a shock, this morning.

I suppose the whole thing started around 4 AM, when I stopped off at Ox's house for some krullers and space-java and three solid hours of violent, frothing-at-the-mouth sex. After showering, I noticed that Ox's musky scent was still lying heavily upon my person. Since I rather enjoy that singular odor, further ablutions were out of the question. So the smell of Ox isn't to everyone's liking! It's an "acquired taste." (And so is the way Ox's taste.) So what? It's really only noticeable to folks when they're within five or six feet of me.

I decided I'd have to nip my office-mates' objections in the bud. As soon as I strolled into the agency, I cleared my throat, and called everyone to attention.
Me: I'd just like to say something to you about the way I smell...

Frigid Queen (interjecting): OH THANK GOD. I thought you were never going to bring that up.

Me: Huh?

Nightmare Boy (grinning): It's no big deal, 'bro! We're pretty used to it, by now.

Dentata Damsel (barely audible): It's nice of you to finally acknowledge it, though.

Me: Wait, what are we talking about--?

Rainbow Girl: Your odor. Don't worry, I warned everybody about it when we first started working here.

Frigid Queen: Yeah! You know. Your odor. It's like a really old corned beef sandwich, heavily impregnated with rocket ship exhaust, and maybe a touch of sewer gas? That smell.

Me: I don't--! Wait a minute, you're saying that I've always smelled bad?

Tusker: Oh, no, no... it ain't bad, exactly; it's just that you don't expect a human being to smell that way.

Nightmare Boy: But hey! If you can't help it, then who are we to judge?

Me: Um. Thank you.
I stumbled over to my desk, past Storm Boy, who was laughing his ass off. He started to say something, but I growled "Shut up...!"under my breath, and he clammed back up. As I sat down in my chair, I could hear his muffled snickering.

I believe the way I feel right now can best be summed up by this panel from the Split-Man story in "Strange Adventures" #203 (August, 1967).



Anonymous said...

Did you do a lot of speed when you were younger? A friend of mine had a weird, lingering body odor and I always figured it was do to the massive crank habit he used to have...

Or possibly Pole Cat had you hexed by a Space Voodoun Witch from Planet Ayebabylon

Phillip said...

B.O.: You're Always The Last To Know.

Jeremy Rizza said...

Lurker: Haw! But honestly, I'm baffled. Maybe it's my cologne, Bubble Helmet (from the makers of "Stetson").

Phillip: I think I saw a public service holo-vid like that once. The tag line was, "Nobody is going to tell you that you smell like a really old corned beef sandwich." In retrospect, I shouldn't have laughed at that.

Nate said...

It's never too late to start wearing one of those pine tree air freshners around your neck. Glue a couple of swarovski crystals to it and call it bling!

Jeremy Rizza said...

Or I could hide it inside my beard! Nobody'd be the wiser.

Nepharia said...

BB, I love you no matter what you smell like. Can I run my fingers through your chest hair?

Jeremy Rizza said...

Aw...! You know I can't say no to you, Nepharia!