Friday, December 21, 2007

The Unusual Suspects

suspectmachine



This morning, Gadfly Lad and I had a conference-visi-phone call with Eyeful Ethel. The investigation is really chugging along. And it's about goddamn time, too! Lallor's Solstice Season is almost done, and with it, my "undercover" job as Santa.

The mysterious chemical in those bottles that dropped out of the getaway zoom-lorry? A contraband, extra-dimensional fluid known as "Suspendium." And it just so happens that several bottles of Suspendium were reported stolen from the Space Museum's Gallery of Liquid Curiosities. The fingerprints collected from that crime scene match the ones on the bottles. And sure, the perps had used a Fingerprint Scrambler (another fine product from BrainGlobeCorp) but we still managed to decipher them! We now have four "persons of interest" in this case. Three of them have long criminal records. And all of them have been "off the grid" for years!

suspectstarfinger



No Ah*: Rimborian career criminal. Worked as a henchman for Grimbor, Doctor Regulus, Pulsar Stargrave, and multiple Starfingers. Skilled fighter and sous chef. Flunked out of grade school, beauty school, and clown college.

suspectxenon



Karel Henrick Van Schoonhoven: Native of Xenon, where by pure coincidence, all the names sound Dutch. Explosives expert, adult film director. Must wear bubble helmet that simulates atmosphere of home planet, but is addicted to "huffing" oxygen. Never blinks, due to lack of eyelids.

suspectkaffar



Drogann: Kaffarian voyeur. Freak accident imbued him with uncontrollable power of super-vibration. He can shift his molecules through walls, but he ruins every photo he's in.

suspectmess



Meyer Qayd, a.k.a. "The Mess": "What, me bathe?" This hapless yokel has no prior convictions. That said, we have discovered that he grew up in a trailer pod over which the Mall of Lallor is sitting, this very instant! Y'see, Lallorian construction companies rarely bother to demolish condemned buildings. They'd much rather build the new structures off-site, and then just drop them on top of the old ones! Gentlemen, we have a motive!

But who are they all working for? I mean, if it turns out that the Mess is some kind of mastermind, I'll eat my hat. (Admittedly, this wager is a win-win situation for me. Even if I lose, I'll have an excuse to go hat-shopping!)

*Edited to fix punctuation error.

6 comments:

Chawunky said...

The henchman behind No-Ah seems surprised that his robot disguise has jettisoned:

(PWANG)

"I-AM-A-RO-BOT...h-huh? Awp! Er...Y-yeah! We aren't actually robots, that's right! Fooled y-"

(gets shot)

lurkerwithout said...

Does Lallor have a version of Krampus, Santa's evil opposite?

I mean look at the guy. How evil would a Future Space version be?

Johnathan said...

Maybe the Lallor-Krampus just gives folks a comforting pat on the back after Santa's done with them. They probably need it, after all.

Blockade Boy said...

Chawunky: Haw! Once again, I like your version better than the actual comic.

Lurker: What th'--?! It's a Stan Winston Christmas!

Jonathan: And then he'd offer them a tissue.

Bill S. said...

If The Mess had been wearing the suit you designed for him, he wouldn't have left fingerprints!

Blockade Boy said...

Good point! Really, there's no reason for anybody to not wear the costume I designed for them. We can only achieve true universal peace once everyone wears exactly what I goddamn well tell them to wear! GAH! *shakes meaty, furry fists at the uncomprehending heavens*