Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Oh, As IF (an editorial by guest columnist, Storm Boy)




Blockade Boy and Tusker and I took our lunch breaks over at the Time Institute the other day. We have a friend who works there, and he sneaks us into the restricted areas, so we can spy on folks in alternate timelines. It's such a hoot, you guys. This one time? We saw a timeline where Princess Projectra was a giant snake? Which makes total sense if you think about it. Oh, and in this one, the Legion clubhouse was actually a guy? Only I had a hard time believing that one, because the building he turned into was only about the size of a potting shed. What. EVER! But seriously? You should check out the Time Institute if you ever get the chance.

Oh. That's right. You totally won't! Tough luck, bitches!


Our friend whispered to us that a new timeline had popped up, one where people who were just jerks or losers in our timeline were straight-up psychotic, and also, like, every third person in existence had been horribly maimed. Blockade Boy was all, "We gotta check this shit out," and before you could say "doodly-doodly-doop", we were kicking it in one of the Institute's private screening rooms! Our friend started the popcorn machine, while we got our minds blown.

In that timeline, Tusker was a big, gray monster with unbreakable bones and a cool haircut, although even that version still had a broken tusk, which? Made us all laugh our asses off! Even Tusker! Blockade Boy punched him in the arm and called him a "dumb jerk", only in a brotherly way? And Tusker shot back, "Bring it, Grape Ape! I'll smash you with my unbreakable bones!" and it was just so great, you guys, especially thinking about what a self-conscious loser he used to be. (He's still kinda dumb, though. I'm not being a bitchy queen here; it's just an honest observation.)

Alternate Rainbow Girl was just as pushy and annoying as ever, but her powers didn't work the same at all. They were tied into something our friend called "the Skittles Force" version of the Green Lantern Corps. Whatever that means. He seemed awfully contemptuous of the whole idea, though. I guess it's an "insider" thing.

Alternate Eyeful Ethel? Was a schoolmarmish weirdo with her hair in a bun and these cartoonishly-oversized glasses like Jackie O. by way of Charles Nelson Reilly.

Alternate Blockade Boy? We never saw him. And our Blockade Boy got worked up into a real hissy-snit over it. Our friend pointed out that this jacked-up alternate timeline didn't seem to have an Alternate Gadfly Lad, Alternate Dentata Damsel, or an Alternate Nightmare Boy. But Blockade Boy just stomped out of there, nominally to go smoke his pipe, but? Everybody knew he just wanted to stew in his own stinky juices.

Which leaves us with Alternate Universe Me.

Hmmm.... what can I say about Alternate Universe Me?

For starters? Kinda handsome. If you're into guys with skinny forearms. The blue contact lenses? Interesting choice. And the scars are surprisingly rugged. But the hair? Has got to go. For you 21st century dudes? I'd call it "very Kenny G." Or maybe "very 'the lead singer from Quiet Riot.'" But either way? It's not good.

But here's what really chaps my ass (and not in a good way) about Alternate Universe Me:

He's a melodramatic crybaby douche-nozzle.

I mean, listen to that drivel. He had a whole shitload of anesthetic-free radical surgeries because why? He didn't pass his Legion try-out? That's it?

Lend me an ear, Alternate Universe Me. That is, if you haven't already paid some quack sawbones to lop the damn thing off. Just listen, and listen good.


Grow some balls! Or, failing that? Borrow some other dude's. (They'll let you hold 'em, if you ask real nice.) I've been where you are. Feeling inadequate, and all that nonsense. I actually tried to kill myself one time! And I became an alcoholic! The difference is, I actually had some decent fucking motivation. I was bankrupt and homeless, and my marriage had imploded.

What you're dealing with? Ain't shit.

If I were you -- and thank the Luck Lords I'm not -- I'd cancel my next surgery, I'd pay for a more flattering outfit and a decent haircut, and then I'd get my bony ass to the nearest time bubble and fade the fuck out of your screwy dimension.

That place ain't healthy.


Nate said...

Damn. I wish I had a chance to give advice like this to my alternate timeline duplicates.

I'd tell that one that became a state governor that no poontang is worth $4500.

And I'd tell that alternate me that went from being an undercover cop in a high school to being a pirate that dorags+eyeliner does not equal the manly effect he was hoping for.

LurkerWithout said...

I've seen this universe. That broken tusk still baffles me. He's got unbreakable bones. And a broken tooth. I think someone needs to send them a dictionary with the definition of unbreakable highlighted...

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

That alternate Stormboy there has got some issues.

LurkerWithout said...

Though on the plus side for Crazy-Emo Time-line? The Subs? Bad. Ass...

Johnathan said...

They do kick a lot of ass while completely disregarding their own safety. It's a very well-written version of the Subs that doesn't make them a straight-up joke (not that they don't make a pretty funny joke, truth be told).

Jeremy Rizza said...

My hands are covered in space-hives right now (allergic reaction) so I might not post for a little while, but I did want to reply to your comments, so...

Gyuss: I thought that guy looked like Alternate You!

Lurker: Alternate Tusker's teeth are like little pieces of chalk. Will Farrell has to regurgitate all his food for him.

Jon: Him, and the author.

Lurker: They did have a nice Bob Burden quality, didn't they?

Jonathan: I agree with you about the Subs, definitely. However, I can't think of a single reason for Color Kid to have been blinded, other than Geoff Johns' hard-on for cruelty. What with all the maiming going on in Geoff Johns books, it's like torture-porn for comics geeks. It's not "edgy" to me anymore; it's just tiresome.

Dave said...

"They were tied into something our friend called "the Skittles Force" version of the Green Lantern Corps. "

This made me flash on an image of Hal Jordan, gussied up in a rainbow version of his Parallax duds (Skittelax?) presenting a fist full of muti-colored rings and growling, "Taste the rainbow, m**therf*cker!"

For some reason, this makes me giggle uncontrollably.

MaGnUs said...

Oh, and did you see Ethel growing eyeballs from her boobs?

Blockade Boy, I've got a couple of Uruguayan heroes for you: Alpha and Atlas. I can translate their info, if you want me to.

Jeremy Rizza said...

Dave: You and me, both! Haw!

MaGnUs: I'm definitely curious about them. (Er, the super-characters, not Alterna-Ethel's eyeboobs.) Did the blogger create them, or are they published heroes that he just wanted to draw, himself? Are there any scans out there of actual comic panels or covers? The costumes actually look really good to me, so I can't snark on 'em, but if you have any other "dirt" about them, I could maybe come up with something. E-mail me. I'm tantalized!