Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Worst. Legion of Substitute Heroes Member. Ever.


She has the power to give anybody "perfect posture" for up to half-an-hour. Bad Apple Boy showed me the holo-vid of her Legion of Super-Heroes audition from a few years back -- somebody dug it up, slapped some dance music over it, and put it on UniversoTube. At first, I was going to just ignore Bad Apple Boy, due to the manner of his address. ("Yo yo yo! B-B! Check it out! This ho is wack!" ...AAAGH.) But I have to admit, the holo-vid was a knee-slapper. Posture Queen suffered from the old "M-my power--! I can't control it!" syndrome, so the Legionnaires wound up with their spines bent backwards. Sun Boy's scalp was practically touching his ass, which I found delightfully symbolic. Anyway, Bad Apple Boy goes off on a rant, liberally peppered with "street" lingo, all about how Posture Queen looks like a "straight-up skank" with a "broke-down booty", but admitted that he'd also "like to hit that." And so of course, we hear somebody clearing her throat and we turn around and there's Posture Queen herself (cue musical "stinger" on a phlegmy trombone) because she's Eyeful Ethel's latest hire! Posture Queen is apparently Ethel's new "personal assistant", which turns out to mean that she has to sit at the receptionist's desk while Ethel does Who Knows What in her office with the actual receptionist, Phantom Lad.

Yeah, Phantom Lad. I know. It'd be like making out with a shrunken apple head doll.

But it's not like he's cheating on his girlfriend. Not exactly. I guess Phantom Lad and his paramour (and co-worker) Frigid Queen have been on the skids even more than usual lately. She booted his ass out of their one-bedroom pod, and have settled into a routine where Phantom Lad goes on the town and "gets hisself some" (to quote Bad Apple Boy) while Frigid Queen stalks him and is glimpsed through windows and binoculars, making threatening gestures with a melon-baller.

And in a month or so, they'll switch.

Hey, bonus!


Looks S-H-O-D-D-Y and D-A-N-G-E-R-O-U-S!

It's only $1.98 for the whole set, plus another $5000 to warranty against the dolls coming to life and murdering you in your sleep. (With the warranty, the worst they'll do is smack you around a little.)

...And with that, I'm taking a short break. Undercover space-detective stuff. I'd explain it, but then I'd have to travel back in time and kill you all.

Don't fret! I'll be back on the blog job, next Monday!


Gus Casals said...

Noooo! don't leave us for a whole week!

Anyway, at least you left us Posture Queen, and I have to tell you, she seems like a natural for a team up with you. Whenever you are trying a new design for these super-slackers, a little PQ magic, and presto!

As for the doll house....if you look closely, the girl in the back is already stuck to it. Fried!

Bill S. said...

First thing I thought when I saw the model was: Candy Darling meets Marlo Thomas. Interesting. You're sure Posture Queen isn't a dude?

Whatever will we do without our recommended daily allowance of Vitamin BB? (Probably more work!)

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Make sure those dolls are set to good not evil.

Kon-El said...

I thought all dolls were evil.

And why is the doll house glowing? is it radioactive? Demonic? Maybe the dolls are eating those kids souls? Would explain why that one kid is smiling evilly while the other one has a face of total terror.

Skeleton Munroe said...

Is that an accurate depiction of her costume? Is Posture Queen running around without pants on?

Word verification: instyak, the instant yak. From the makers of instgnu and instgazelle.

Jeremy Rizza said...

Gustavo: Maybe the E-L-E-C-T-R-O-C-U-T-I-N-G doll house has a remote on/off switch, for use by bratty younger brothers.

Bill S.: I can see the headlines now: "Nation's Productivity Mysteriously Rises For A Few Days".

Jon: That's always good advice.

Kon-El: As per the special effects in a 1980's horror film, glowing = evil!

Jonathan: And that's how I know Posture Queen isn't a dude.