Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Prank You Very Much

Yesterday morning, the usual gang of idiots over at the Citadel of Doom had their "brunchtime premiere" for "Space Movie."

It didn't exactly go like they'd planned. (Haw!)

Everything went down around 9:00 in the morning. Most of the actors and guests had partied all night, so they were already tuckered-out and totally plowed. Hours before, I had infiltrated the Citadel, to make my preparations. I lurked up in the catwalk and the ventilation system. Like the Phantom of the Opera. Only cooler. (For instance, I don't think the Phantom of the Opera ever sucker-punched bulky, floating security droids.) The whole operation was surprisingly easy, what with all the chaotic reveling going on. And the only person who sensed that something was amiss was one buxom gal who mused, "What's that smell--?"

The crowd of drowsy drunks shambled into the Chemical King Memorial Ballroom, pausing only to take the gift bags proffered by the Citadel's bright-eyed staff. Some of the guests lurched over towards the buffet tables, while others greedily pawed through their gift bags. It was this latter group who first felt my hairy wrath, as their fingers were assaulted by (formerly sleeping) leechbeetles. By this point, the folks over at the buffet had discovered that the enormous mound of kono fruit-flavored yogurt was actually a cave-protean. (They're like regular proteans, only larger, less-evolved, meaner, and randier!) This seemed like as good a time as any for me to release the crater vipers. And once everyone was herded into the center of the room, I dropped the enormous stink-wasp nest on top of them.

Keeping to the shadows, I made my way up to the Citadel's roof. I watched the angry mob of guests and hotel staff surge out the doors and onto the rocket pad (which is where I'd laid all the flesh-tearing cones from the local razorpines). Let me tell you... those guys were pissed. The guests were angry at the hotel manager, and they threatened lawsuits galore, while the hotel manager (quite rightly) blamed me. Not that he had any idea yet about who I was or even my real reasons for doing all of this. He claimed he had called in a "specialist" who would, and I quote, "put the kibosh on this caveman once and for all." (And yes, we still use the word "kibosh" 1,000 years from your time. It just sounds a lot prettier in Interlac.) This "specialist person" is supposed to show up some time today.

What the hell ever, manager guy.



Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

I can't wait to see the whole brouhaha reported on Infotainment Tonight.

LurkerWithout said...

I'm trying to remember if your 'verse HAS a family of monster hunters. Would the hotel manager have access to a Cross-Dimensional Mercs R Us line? Because I wouldn't want to have to fight Ancient Cranky Elsa Bloodstone. I mean, shes mean NOW much less after living for thousands of years...

Oh well. Maybe they'll contact..the Space Rangers? Do you have those? I can't remember...

Jeremy Rizza said...

Jon: Ah, so that's why Mary Hart 5 and her camera guy keep showing up in my cave.

Lurker: We have rangers, and occasionally they'll travel in space, but I'm not sure we have actual Space Rangers. (Also, a big fur-bearing HAW! to your concept of Ancient Cranky Elsa Bloodstone.)

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