Tuesday, August 05, 2008

"This Is Mad, Mad, Mad!"

My one-man corporate retreat is really helping me to relax! I decided to "kick it" (as Karate Kid likes to say) on the Planetoid of Peril. It features a five-star luxury hotel (the Citadel of Doom) but other than that shocking pink abomination? No other buildings. Anywhere. No, sir... it's nothin' but trees and deadly predators, as far as the eye can see!

Although I treasure my elaborate grooming rituals, it's been a pleasant break to live aw-hells-yeah-naturale out under the high blue sky, man. Just relaxing my mind and letting my beard and my pelt grow as wild as they darn well please; gorging my belly on berries and cacti juice and tubers and mushrooms and deadly predators; walkin' around all naked and nude (with no clothes on!); communicating only in grunts and howls; leaving my (big) footprints in the soft clay...! Occasionally, some venturesome tourist will snap my picture with their visi-phone -- usually while I'm in mid-shamble and my head is turned towards them -- but I do this trick where I shake my body a little at the last possible second, so the image is all out of focus. And then when my scent hits 'em, they topple over backwards in a faint, and I go over there and SMASH ALL THEIR STUFF! And then I might pee on 'em a little leave them a strongly-worded note. (Heh.)

So anyway, I'm living off the land right now, as simple as a Luddite. Except for my hand-held interbloggamunicator. I mean, I'm not an animal. So that's how I can relate the news from my friend at the Time Institute that your very favorite super-hero dimension -- the one where all the villains are psychotic mass-murderers; all the heroes are vicious, sniping, self-pitying crybabies; and half the population is lacking one or more of their limbs or eyeballs -- is about to absorb the Mighty (or "Archie") Comics dimension. It's a rare and beautiful timeological event!

keerectbig


(Gloriously huge version found here.)


I'm guessing that means you all can look forward to a painfully-mutilated Shield, a sex-addicted Fly Girl, and a Comet who wets the bed. ("Kee-rect!") ENJOY!

10 comments:

Gustavo said...

And of course, expect Fly-Girl providing the cold in a refrigerator after the nwxt big-ass crossover event.

Bill S. said...

I the future, even animals keep blogs.

That's the kind of ad that makes me want to read more comics. It's so dynamic and colorful and goofy, just how I like my comics! (And my men.)

LurkerWithout said...

Nah, I think you and Again With The Comics have figured out pretty well that the Web will be the one to be em-darkened to best fit in with the nouveau DC. By snapping and murdering his "ex" wife...wc

Johnathan said...

Ina perfect world, the Archie heroes would show up as an alternative to the DCU's grimness. The Mighty Crusaders could be idealistic and non-grim (except for the Comet. And the Hangman. And sometimes the Black Hood). Or they could turn out to be aliens or something, and the Shield is a baby-eater, I don't know.

captain koma said...

They did do a new grittier version of these heroes.

Black Hood - was a line of people who by some coincidence happened upon the black hood which gave them strength and agility.

The Comet - was a kid whose body was switched with an aliens

The Fly - I can't remember

The Sheild - I still can't remember.

Then there was The Web which was an international agency policing the super powered beings

Johnathan said...

Yeah, I hope it's the classic versions that we'll be getting...

Dean said...

See, when you mentioned vicious, sniping self-pitying crybabies, I thought you meant the Marvel Universe. And the DCU totally needs a character called Fly Girl.

Blockade Boy said...

Gustavo: And her costume will feature a belly shirt.

Bill S.: You sound just like one of my dates! Especially with the "animal" comment.

Lurker: ...before turning the gun on himself.

Johnathan: Hey, don't give them any more ideas!

Captain Koma: I remember that -- especially the scrumptious "daddy bear" in the Web. They tried to make it darker when they canceled their initial batch of titles and decided that the Comet was a villain, but I'd say it still didn't match up to the blood-soaked pap churned out by the current administration over there.

Johnathan: You're an optimist; I like that.

Dean: Heh. But that's been DC's problem since the 60's: they've abandoned any attempt at creating their own style (in their super-hero mags, anyway) in favor of doing bad imitations of Whatever Marvel Is Like Right Now.

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