Thursday, March 09, 2006

Don't Look Down; You'll Poke Your Eye Out

spiky collar

Oops! Too late!

Meet Stellarax, who battled (and was soundly trounced by) Captain Marvel in the final issue of that hero's comic book (#62, May 1979). I first saw this guy's costume when I was a mere lad and thought it was the coolest thing ever. But then I was also seriously into Grranimals, so what the hell did I know? It's only now, as a full-grown Blockade Boy, that I can recognize it for the overdone shitpile that it is. Stellarax, buddy? Let's talk about your costume and all the things that are wrong with it.

1. The bat wings on your helmet. Normally I adore that stuff, but they're such a weird size. Proportionally, they're just off. If they were tinier, like the wings on the Flash's cowl, or if they were bigger, like the wings on Thor's helmet, they would work. But this half-ass nonsense ain't cuttin' it.

2. The built-in eyepatch. It has a hole in it. So you can see out of it. What are you, an idiot?

3. The silver-plated conch shells, er, I mean, "shoulder pads."

4. That collar! Jibbidy Jesus, what in the name of all that is holy is going on with that thing? As you know, I'm all about practicality. So I ask you, Stellarax, just precisely what are those spikes meant to protect? Are you consumed with the fear that somebody might tweak your nipples? Or did the vet put that around you so you wouldn't lick yourself? Also, I think I figured out how you lost that eye.

5. The piping. Piping is a favorite tool of bad costume designers everywhere (see also Kolins, Scott). However, piping is not supposed to be made of actual pipes. And is the hot water on your right arm or your left?

6. The hairball pattern on the gloves, boots, and loincloth. (Loincloth?!) I have one of those little sticky roller things, Stellarax. I could clean that right up for you.

7. Annnd the mace. Let's take a closer look at the mace.

fluffy mace

Really went to town there on the spikes, didn't ya? FYI, honey, when the spikes are that close together, well, the damn thing might as well be made out of Nerf. What's that? It's actually an energy weapon? I didn't re-- hey, put that down! Let's not be rash, here. Well, of course I'll apologize! I learned 21st century Earth manners from the greats, like Santino Rice of Project Runway. How would he have put it...? Oh, yes. "I'm sorry you got angry when I explained how shitty your costume looks." Ow! OW!! Dammit, this is like the second time this week somebody's shot at me...


Jeremy Rizza said...

Hee! The ironic thing is, Kufrfangirl, underneath the helmet Stellarax has hair like Daniel V.

And Bored_yesterday, you're totally right about Stellarax being a trendsetter for the 90's. For the 80's too, I think. He dresses like he's Cheshire's crazy uncle.

Adam said...

You know, I've always been creeped out by Cpt Marvel's costume - it's the huge expanse of red and the high-cut blue bikini-brief pattern around his groin. Makes him look like one of those posing-pouch body-builders. Ew.

Jeremy Rizza said...

Aww! I actually kinda like it, which makes Captain Marvel's duds the sole exception to my "no underpants over the costume" rule. Of course, I hail from an era where Lightning Lad used to wear what were essentially ginormous belted Depends. So anything smaller than that looks practically nude to my eyes.

But I can definitely see where you're coming from. Body-builders...! *shudder* They all look like big, man-shaped piles of buttery dinner rolls.