He's not dead. He's resting.
In "Superboy" #61 (April 1999) the troubled and occasionally tiresome teen bounces around Hypertime in a hi-tech/lo-fashion atomic-powered jacket. Superboy wears it with the collar up. Of course. Because he's kind of a twerp. I'm sure he'd roll up the sleeves, too, if they hadn't been reinforced with circuitry and isotopes and whatnot.
He runs into a bunch of other Superboys, some of whom are shown on the cover.
At center left, there's the Clark Kent Superboy, of course. He's the guy in the inoffensively boring -- ow! Quit pelting me with your HeroClix, fanboys! -- okay, make that "classic" costume. On the bottom is Superboy-as-Robin. And I think it's funny that the only costume elements I hate are the ones taken from the Kesel Superboy design. All those lame-ass straps, for instance. I do like this color scheme better than the one on the actual Robin costume. Huh. Between the Clark Kent and Robin Superboys is the DC One Million Superboy, all OMAC'd out. Now, I understand what Kirby was going for with that ridiculous hairdo but it still looks dumb. Doesn't look any better on Superboy, either. Nice shoulderpads, though. You know me; I loves me some good shoulderpads. (I bet his don't have any storage capacity for snacks, though. Me, ten points, Superboy, zero!) The blonde teen queen to the southeast of Superboy Proper is... wait for it!... Supergrrrl. Cue musical stinger, played on a trombone. Wah-wah-wah-WAAHHHH! Jesus. As if this book wasn't dated enough. One word of advice, "Supergrrrl": don't take hairstyling advice from Rachel Summers. I'm just sayin.' All armored up behind Clark Kent Superboy and the Kamandi-esque, Tarzan-ish Superboy is squire Superboy, also seen below next to Cowboy Superboy. Or "Supercowboy." Or whatever. I dunno.
Say...! Sir Kal is hot! Somebody needs to teach him the proper way to tie a tie, though. (Seriously, what the hell is up with that? Does he work at Chippendales?) Cowpoke Superboy is more nattily dressed than squire Superboy -- although he's pushing it a little with the fringed boots.
And lest we forget, there's the villainous Superboy! No, not the stammering whiner from "Infinite Crisis." The other one.
Oh, he's so terrifying, so unmistakably evil, I -- I -- heh... BWAH HAH HAH HAH!!! WOO! *wipes away tears* Oookay, "Black Zero." Here's the deal. The breastplate thing, based on Mike Mignola's designs for battlesuits from that old miniseries he did with John Byrne? That's terrific. Love it. Combining it with a black bodysuit? Classic. Looks great. The scribbly Byrne Doodles, meant to evoke Byrne's costume designs for Jor-El and his kin? Not good. They never were good. They're just another example of Byrne being lazy, like when he decided Wonder Woman's tights only needed two stars on 'em instead of dozens. Also? They kinda look like pubes. So thumbs down. The sunglasses? No. In fact, make that hell no. I know Superboy used to wear 'em a lot, but big effin' deal. They're a trendy, casual accessory and they take away from your aura of menace; they don't add to it. You don't see Darkseid strolling around in a Panama hat or Doctor Doom with one of those big rapper-style diamond necklaces that spells out his name. The only villain I can think of offhand who wears sunglasses as part of his regular costume is Doctor Octopus, and he's a fat guy with a bad haircut. If I looked like that I'd wear sunglasses, too, STORM BOY. And then there's the soul patch. Those things are always dicey. And to be frank, the rest of your look isn't hep enough to pull that thing off. Not with that Fantastic Sam's haircut, it ain't. Shave your head, ditch the sunglasses, and get back to me.
Well, that's a weird coincidence, Superboy. I was also going to suggest you "lose the jacket."
But not because it was explosive.
8 comments:
Hey,Super-Cowboy? Did you know that in a parallel universe there is a Supergirl who has a horse named Comet? Yes, and it magically turns into a cute teenage boy who's in love with..its...owner... Um, maybe I shouldn't have said anything. Hi-yo Comet, up up and away!
The burly, half-naked Superman (and his tie) are from one of the few decent Elseworlds specials, set in medieval England, in which Kal-El forges a suit of armor from the metal of his rocket ship to defeat the evil Baron Luthor. I can't remember the title -- I believe it was simply "Kal." Good stuff, though.
'Course, now I want to see a line of casual accessories for the cosmic megalomaniac. I know Luthor has a FABULOUS collection of power ties, but Darkseid is in need of a new hat, and Doom might not want a chain, but what about a crunk set of new grillz? Really complete the look.
Can you put together some concept sketches, something to show the sales reps? I think we can really synergize, get a good buzz going, maybe a viral campaign, and change the paradigm for the whole "Today Metropolis, Tomorrow the World!" set.
What? That's a great idea.
Actually, in the first issue of Sovereign Seven (don't ask) Darkseid is seen sporting a big ol' fedora and trenchcoat. See, he was stopping by the cafe the comic was set in for the great coffee they make there and--eugh.
Anyway.
NuSupaboi has an elaborately annoying costume, but it's the utterly superfluous yellow thigh band that makes me want to hit things. Bad flashbacks of those terrible early '90s X-Men redesigns that everyone inexplicably loved. I mean, say what you want about Rogue's '80s togs, at least they were frickin' color-coordinated.
Sorry.
In retrospect, "SUPERfluous" may have been what they were going for. Bing!
Anonymous 1: Super-Cowboy and Comet--! Heh. And a thousand slash fictions are born!
Anonymous 2: No kiddin'? Wow. And tell me true: does he really have that skinny New Wave tie in that comic, too? Or is it more of a kicky scarf?
Steven: Haw! I could at least see Doom schlepping around a jewel-bedecked pimp cup.
Chawunky: Yeah, I remember that scene. Not that I bought the comic but just skimming it burned it into my brain. He was holding a dainty little cup, too. I don't even like Darkseid, but... freakin' Claremont! I mean, I'm sorry the man is in ill health right now and I hope he gets better soon, but that doesn't mean I have to like his writing. Anyhow, maybe Byrne will get around to retconning that Darkseid away as a "Darkbot." Or Desaad in a holo-disguise, maybe. Anyway, I'm sure he won't stand for it. Er... what were we talking about? Fashion or sumpin'?
BB,
Yeah, the fun part of Hypertension was that each world he visited was an already established Elseworlds setting. So if you wanted to know more about Super-Squire and Cow Super Boy, or at least the world they come from, you can pick up the book.
Chawunky,
You should know that Superboy's original look was intentionally bad and Marvel-esque. I believe the original instuction was "like Gambit, but worse."
Like the Eradicator and the Cyborg, he was intended as an example of what was popular at the time but what Superman should not be, to better highlight Superman and Steel. I'm guessing that he wasn't intended to survive the Return of Superman story (at one point he saves Metropolis but gets blowed up good) but the writers liked him too much to get rid of him (he survives but doesn't contribute any more to the story).
Unfortunately, when they gave him his own series, they didn't give him a better costume so he was stuck with a purposely dated costume till Superboy #75.
Steven--you're right; I'd forgotten about that. Trendy uber-Supeses as an contrast/explication was actually a great touch.
Although I gotta say, if "Gambit but worse" was the mandate, they didn't quite nail it. Not an easy thing to nail though. ;) I mean, really, what was he wearing? It looks like something nobody other than the average Shi'ar would wear.
Forgot to add: yeah, I heard about Claremont. Hopefully he's on his way to wellness.
Also, I peeked at a few of his latest X-Men a month ago or so, and while about what one might expect, they weren't beknighted by his worst writerly excesses. It was almost nostalgic!
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