I'm baaa-aack! (Whee! I'm a hacker!) I just wanted to stop by and rub some of my incredible success in Blockade Boy's sullen, slab-like face. Time for a fun fact! We all know that Blockade Boy is a lumbering, musclebound drama queen with a vicious tongue and no discernable talent at fashion design. But! Did you also realize that he has never seen one of his superhero costume redesigns all the way through? Even on the rare occasions when he sells one, like he did to that nutjob, the Black Condor, he manages to throw a tantrum and quit at the last minute before he's even done sewing it! Hee! What a loser!
Now, I, on the other hand? I've redesigned simply scads of superhero costumes -- ones you've seen in comics for, oh, years, now! You just didn't know it yet! Say, let's look at one that should be fresh in all your minds! Here's the original:
Bleh. Boring. I selected this panel because it was drawn by Scott Kolins. Don't you just adore Scott Kolins? I know I do! He makes everything he draws look like it came off the box to an Intellivision cartridge. And that is, like, my whole aesthetic! Anyway? You can see how simple and unadorned everything is. I think I just fell asleep just thinking about it! In fact, I'm sure I did, because there's suddenly a really rank taste in my mouth, and one of my eyes is crusted shut. Now! Let's take a look at how I improved it!
See what I did there? That was the main problem with the old Nova costume... it wasn't pointy enough! Now everything on it is pointy! I even made the little four-pointed star thingamajig on the mask pointier! And that took some creativity because it was plenty pointy enough already, believe you me! I like how it makes him look like he has a bird beak now. Also? I instructed him to scream a lot. I wanted to make sure that even if somebody just saw him in their peripheral vision, they could tell he was pissed. 'Cause he's a badass! 'Cause he's pointy! The other thing I did was to install those little disc-shaped "Tap Lights" all over his costume. You know the ones I mean. They have commercials for them all the time, and they're only like $2.99 each. It's a real cheap way to spruce up any costume! The only bad part is you have to keep tapping them to keep them activated, so if you have a lot of them it makes it look like you're doing the Macarena.
Well, I'm off! For now! (Hee!) I understand the Blackhawks could use some new costumes. Not to worry, fellas! Storm Boy is on the case!
5 comments:
I could get mad, and rightfully so, but I'm not going to give you the satisfaction. Still, how can I express what I feel right now? Ah! Here goes: I know that art is subjective, but I think I'm being sufficiently dispassionate when I say that your costume designs suck donkey balls. There, better.
I think I just fell asleep just thinking about it. In fact, I'm sure I did, because there's suddenly a really rank taste in my mouth, and one of my eyes is crusted shut.
Storm Boy, I think we both know that when you get a bad taste in your mouth and "crust" on your eyes, it's probably not from sleep. Let's just hope Richard Rider remembers to call you in the morning. I know how heartbroken you were when you never heard back from Timber Wolf.
The Spork's back?
Feh, you know he just dumped that design on Rich Rider after Star-Lord turned it down.
I think Nova just surpassed the Darkstars for the "Costume Most Likely To Put Your Own Eye Out".
If he has a very pointy thing on his right elbow, does he have one on his left elbow? And if so, is he not digging it into his inner-thigh there?
It would explain the expression on his face.
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