Friday, May 05, 2006

Gown Syndrome

In "The Incredible Hulk" #262 (August, 1981) Bruce Banner washes up on a Malibu beach, clad only in his trademark tattered purple slacks. He's resuscitated by a gorgeous, pigment-free woman in an evening gown, mink stole, and opera gloves. Then he passes out again. When he returns to consciousness...

just my size

So basically, it's implied that the mysterious woman took Bruce Banner's measurements while he was passed out! "Dang it, I'll have to measure that tricky inseam again! Well, the eleventh time should be the charm! Tee hee!"

Do you think Bruce was disappointed that the pants weren't purple? I can just see him having a flop-sweating, forearm-scratching, junkie-like reaction to all that white. "Um, don't get me wrong, I'm grateful you saved my life 'n' all, but... are you sure you don't have any "Rit" dye around here anywhere? Or even some food coloring?" And then he'd wind up hunched over in a corner of the house, rocking himself back and forth, muttering, "No purple, no purple...!"

so lifelike

Glazier is my favorite Hulk villain because she wears a gown and opera gloves -- and she does it pretty much all the time. I think all the best Hulk villains wear gowns. The Leader, the Abomination, General "Thunderbolt" Ross... what?! Well, I didn't say they wore gowns on panel. Anyway, Glazier's homelife is like my daydreams. She lives in a beautiful home on the beach, she's always attired in expensive garments, and she's surrounded 24/7 by men, men, men! She also has a big white dog named "Snowstar" -- a moniker that makes me suspect the canine is either a frequenter of internet bulletin boards or a tertiary X-Men character. Or a coke dealer.

Now, about those "lifelike" statues of men... have you guessed what the "big twist" climax of the story will be? (I guess I kinda halfway spoiled it by saying she was a villain.) If you haven't figured it out yet, consult your Big Book Of Fantasy Plot Cliches. Or any book on Greek mythology. But I digress. Bruce shacks up with this woman for a whole month, until this happens:

your hands

Oh, dear. Well, now we know why she wears the opera gloves all the time. Bitch needs to moisturize! In a roundabout way, that also explains why she wears the evening gowns. I mean, what else goes with opera gloves? Opera gloves minus evening gown plus any other type of clothing equals? Miss Piggy.


Anonymous said...

"...a moniker that makes me suspect the canine is either a frequenter of internet bulletin boards or a tertiary X-Men character."

Heh heh.

Although--Jean Grey's Phoenix costume does not equal Miss Piggy.But maybe she's the exception that proves the rule.

Steven said...

Yay! Supervillains in formal wear!

You know how much I love supervillains in formal wear!

Does she go shopping with Killer Frost? See the symphony with the Penguin? Get into cat-fights with Roulette over the latest backless number from Milan?

Um... I'm going to need a few minutes alone with that last thought. Excuse me.

Anonymous said...

I know this is my answer to everything, but a tiny splash of color would make all that white really pop out. I also like the gown. I don't think it would fly at the Oscars, but it's tasteful and elegant. It's like villains in tuxedoes, why not make evil an occasion?

I like the Bluebeard-esque "I've never been in this room before" line. Morrison teased something like this in ASS recently.
Is it just me or is all this a long way to go to set up the Incredible Hulk running amok in a house full of glass statues? Oh, well. Smashy, smashy!

Jeremy Rizza said...

Chawunky: Gosh, I hadn't even considered opera gloves with superhero costumes! I guess those are okay. I was thinking more along the lines of what Glazier would look like wearing the opera gloves with a t-shirt and painter's pants.

Steven: God, I'd love to see any of the scenarios you described in a comic book. Maybe they'll do a sequel to "Marvel Vs. DC."

Constantine: "Why not make evil an occasion?" Haw! And yeah, it would be a lot of set-up, except the whole story is only ten pages long. Then there's a brief interlude for the subplots to percolate a bit, and then there's another story with the "high concept" of "What if the Kents had adopted a Dire Wraith? (And what if the Hulk proceeded to beat the everloving bejeezus out of it?)" Anyway, with only ten pages, the Glazier story ends like this: Glazier grabs Banner, starts to turn him into a glass statue, he becomes the Hulk (in white pants!), Snowstar attacks, the Hulk throws it back at Glazier, Glazier accidentally touches the dog with her bare hands and turns it into glass, the glass floor shatters from the Hulk's weight, and the last we see of Glazier, she's a glass statue "beneath the waves off Malibu." I guess she touched herself! (Ew.)