Friday, May 12, 2006

Farrah Fawcett Grampa

hulk 248 cover

In the Marvel Universe, there is a family of timeless, god-like beings called the Elders of the Universe. Among these is the Gardener. The Gardener dresses simply, in a robe and sandals. Ostensibly it's because he's a deeply spiritual man who is One With Nature... but if you ask me, he's just trying to put even more visual emphasis on his spectacularly feathered hair. I mean, look at that glorious mop! Sure, he pulls the old "humble hermit" act when he's around other people, but you just know the moment he's alone, out comes the hairspray, a brush, and a hairdryer that runs on the Power Cosmic. Better yet, he accessorizes with Adam Warlock's soul gem and a bird with an identical hairstyle! (Lookalike pets... what is this, a Marvel comic or a Hanna-Barbara cartoon?)

And now, a completely imaginary romance between the Gardener and the Incredible Hulk, hastily cobbled out of random panels from "The Incredible Hulk" #248 (June, 1980).

first love

Angry sex! Yes, Gardener, the Hulk really knows how to work over a guy's "staff." The Hulk and the Gardener were quite the couple after that. They went everywhere together -- quarreling constantly but just as often stealing away for more furious lovemaking. The Hulk moved into the Gardener's ashram and took to wearing (tattered) hemp pants and restricting himself to a macrobiotic diet. He'd only eat whole, live deer and yaks and manatees and such. For his part, the Gardener started going around shirtless, and he learned to appreciate the simple pleasures of leaping over the Grand Canyon in a single bound, pounding military vehicles into unrecognizable lumps of steel, and referring to himself in the third person. But such volatile romances rarely last. Annoyed by the Hulk's absolute refusal to either do his share of the housekeeping or to go out and find a damn job, the Gardener accepted Xemnu the Living Titan's invitation to join him in a glamorous ski vacation, and summarily kicked the Hulk out on his ass. The Hulk was devastated, and even contemplated suicide.


The Hulk couldn't go through with it, however. Because he weighs 1040 pounds and has skin like rhino hide, so the rope just snapped in two. Still, he was mopey for a long while. Love had died in his heart.

back together again

Aw! A happy ending! Turned out Xemnu had also invited Quasar and the Living Tribunal on that ski trip, and was apparently expecting some kind of "four-way" to occur. The Gardener was humiliated. Finally, he returned to the Hulk, because he knew their love was meant to be. Also because he's an enabler, and in some dark corner of his mind he gets off on taking care of someone who doesn't appreciate him.

(Okay, so maybe the ending's not that happy.)


joncormier said...

Man I didn't know anything about The Gardener before this, except he made a funny Civil War banner.

Blockade Boy - Funny AND informative.

gorjus said...

I must shame myself by speaking about soul gems. I think that the Gardener doesn't have Warlock's soul gem, but instead has his own, as do all of the Elders of the Universe.

Aside from my continuity-idiocy, I just can't parse what a big piece of green-behemoth meat like the Hulk sees in the Gardener.

Steven said...

"I just can't parse what a big piece of green-behemoth meat like the Hulk sees in the Gardener."

Did you see the Gardener's staff? It's bigger than he is. Of course the Hulk is a size queen.

Jeremy Rizza said...

Jon: Aw, shucks! 'Tweren't nothin'!

Gorjus: In "Hulk" 248, the Gardener recounts how he had expended the life-giving power of his own soul gem, and so he abandoned it on the Moon. Later, he took Warlock's soul gem right off the poor dope's grave, which is where the Avengers had left it.

As for the Hulk's imaginary infatuation with the Gardener, I guess the Hulk is into "daddy" types (with great hair!) or maybe Steven has it right, and he's just looking for a dude with a huge "staff."

Steven: Could be, could be. Plus, in this particular comic, at least, the staff is colored a bright, angry red. Yikes! Plus it's barbed. Don't know what that symbolizes. (Phallus Dentata!)

Scipio said...

This made me laugh so hard the nurse had to bring oxygen!

When the told me BB was dangerous, I didn't realize they meant... you!