In "Strange Adventures" #22 (July 1952) Adam "Captain Comet" Blake attempts to enliven his dull civilian job as an information clerk by dishing out wholly spurious information to gullible young nerds. And if that doesn't work, there's always the completely edible suit he's wearing. The jacket and trousers? A delicate black truffle mousse. The shirt? Stitched together from only the finest cuts of veal. And the tie? A salmon. Blocked by Captain Comet's knee (um, that is a knee, right? I know he's a mutant and all, but GODDAMN!): the salmon's head, which still has the skin on it, and which gazes balefully out at the knickers-wearing preteen loser before it, knowing full-well that the moment the kid sets foot outside the library, a bottlecap beanie-wearing ruffian will punch him in the gut and steal his milk money.
Despite his best efforts, Captain Comet allows his futuristic mind to drift away from the situation at hand, and reminisce about the exciting events of the previous day, when he was summoned by a bunch of wizened old extraterrestrial men in floor-length blue robes.
Screw jeans and Hawaiian shirts! This is a what I call "Casual Fridays", my friend! Plus, they've installed a small roller derby rink in the middle of the room. Too cool! And do those desk chairs look comfy or what? I bet they recline.
I understand they've already instituted the robe policy at the headquarters of American Express. Floor-length robes for everybody! Whoo-hoo! The only downside? If a guy chooses to "go commando," it leaves a funny smell on the chair. Check out the orange guy's hat. Nope, he's not wearing a backwards baseball cap. Although I admit that would be kind of awesome. Let's look at another one of those charming chapeaus, in more detail.
Remember that hip-hop trend of wearing a sun visor backwards and upside-down? This is kind of like that. (Side note: is this still a trend in your time period? I can't always keep the fashion trends straight, what with me being a time traveler and all. Say, have, tall, pointy wizard hats become popular for men yet, in your era? No? Oh, right, that's next year. Something for you to look forward to!)
On the icy world of Lukan, the only natives we ever see are fully grown, male, and shirtless. Yay! And they're all made out of some crystalline substance. Boo! In a grand old sci-fi tradition, there seems to be a planet-wide uniform, and it's black underpants. The guards wear the tighty-blackie numbers you see here, while the leaders wear longer, baggier versions. I guess instead of asking for your rank, a Lukanian crystal man might demand, "Boxers or briefs?!"
Side note: I can understand that if you were a crystal man and you saw a fleshy pink alien creature rushing towards you, that you'd feel a mite anxious. But really, dude, did you have to pee your pants like that? I mean, that puddle is freaking huge! How many cups of coffee did you drink this morning?
Belly shirt sighting! In 1952, yet! Okay, so it's not quite the same thing, but still. This is a little closer to the get-up Lana Turner wore in "The Postman Always Rings Twice." Check out the high-water panties. Don't want to expose the belly button, now do we? That would be utterly pornographic. Just imagine if Jim Balent had designed this outfit. It would look like about three strands of mint-flavored dental floss.
In the exciting climax of the story, Captain Comet takes one look at the metal circlet on Radea's head and says, "Oh, honey... no. Just... no. You look like a Renaissance disco nightmare in that thing. Here, allow me...!"
See, there's bad jewelry, and then there's really bad jewelry. But you scoff. Who ever heard of a piece of jewelry that could control someone's behavior? *rolls eyes* Such a thing exists in your own time! It's called a wedding ring, people! Gah! (Not that it's foolproof, I'll admit.) Okay, now that Captain Comet got that circlet off Radea's head, I really want to do something about her hair. Oh, well.
Back at the library, Captain Comet has to deal with an antagonistic blonde. Lucy Lane's cousin, perhaps? As you can see, the haughty hottie has been engaging in the ancient Chinese practice of hand binding. Her right paw is now utterly useless, but I'll be darned if it isn't a tantalizingly delicate little thing. Do you think these two might secretly have a thing for each other? I mean, they did decide to coordinate their wardrobes that day. (Just like Weight Wizard and I used to do. *bittersweet sigh*) On the other hand, check out Captain Comet's expression. His words may be casual, Hugh Grant-style dithering, but his face says, "I don't care how many flowers you stick in that bleached-blonde rats' nest you call your hair, it still ain't gonna distract people from the mustache, bitch."
4 comments:
>>Remember that hip-hop trend of wearing a sun visor backwards and upside-down? This is kind of like that.
Did You Know...
That trend originally began as a way to collect rain water and store it against global warming? It's true! The problem was that since it was on the back of your head, you couldn't really access it, and if you tried to take it off, it would all spill. I wrote in to Source magazine once, and suggested adding a little straw, like the Fremen had on their suits, but they said that would look stupid. The trend finally died off after some of the less intellectual 17 yr old thugz, spinning around and around frantically to get at the precious liquid, ended up in traffic and got hit by cars. Most of them were fine, but it knocked the gold caps off their teeth, putting a happy end to that trend as well.
In all seriousness, how did the visors replace the French Foreign Legion hats? The Foreign Legion hats had dash! I really liked those.
"Eskosa venitu!" is my new favorite phrase.
AND my drag name.
That poor nerd is at a disadvantage. Here the Second World War is all won, and his mom is dressing him like a Depression-era newsie for crying out loud.
Meanwhile, on top of all the other progressive innovations in that cosmic guardian command center, you just know that it has excellent stress-relieving acoustics and sound-muffling. When charged with the maintenance of celestial mechanics throughout the galaxy, you can't have too few distractions.
Constantine: Man, I learn all kinds of cool facts on the internet! And not to worry; the French Foreign Legion hat will come back in vogue around 2008. But just for women and toddlers, for some reason. Enjoy your wizard, hat, though!
Scipio: Haw! You'll be guaranteed top billing with a name like that!
Chawunky: Yeah, I'm mystified by the Knickers Knerd. Maybe he time-traveled from the Depression to 1952 -- in a sweetly poetic, Ray Bradbury-esque, metaphysical kind of way, of course. Something involving a calliope, maybe.
Either that, or he's not even wearing knickers, but he's just too stupid to figure out that your socks are worn underneath your trouser legs and not the other way around.
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