A one-act play by Blockade Boy, adapting a scene from "Amazing Spider-Man" #195 (August, 1979) by Marv Wolfman and Keith Pollard.
Curtain rises on the exterior of Empire State University's cafeteria building. Ned Leeds leans pensively near the door. He checks his watch.
Ned: Where on earth can my wife be? It's not like her to be late!
Betty Brant Leeds enters from off-stage, walking briskly, a smile on her face. As she nears her husband, she pats and smooths her hair to make sure no follicles have slipped out of place.
Ned: There you are! What in blazes took you so long? You know I told you to meet me here at exactly twelve o'clock!
Betty: Oh, dearest, I feared my tardiness would anger you, but I did it for us! I just came from the beauty parlor! Don't you just adore what I've done with my hair?
Ned: To be frank, Betty, I don't adore it! It makes you look like Prince Valiant's nancy-boy cousin! And you know very well that any and all decisions about your personal appearance are to approved by me beforehand!
Betty (tearing up): I-- I only wanted to make you happy, Ned!
Ned: And you failed miserably. Oh, don't start sniveling now. I want us to practice one last time what we're going to say to that loser, Peter Parker. It is vital that we present a united front! Why, the poor fool thinks you're still in love with him!
Spectacularly, the set rotates, to the vigorous applause and orgasmic sighs of the audience. A massive chandelier descends upon the crowd, then rises again while a helicopter swoops overhead. Weirdly-costumed dancers swarm over the audience, fondling them, then vanish in a cloud of noxious vapor. When the gas clears, we can now see the interior of the cafeteria. Peter Parker kneels awkwardly over a dropped tray in front of the cashier. Harry Osborn and Flash Thompson point and jeer.
Harry: Hey, Flash -- it's Mr. Grouch of 1979! (giggles)
Flash: Christ, Harry, it's not that funny. And quit laughin' like that. That squeaky, nasal titter of yours always creeps me out!
Peter: Knock it off, Harry... I already apologized for missing your party!
Harry: I know what you said, Peter. It's just that I had ice-cream cake and pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey and everything.
Ned and Betty enter the cafeteria.
Ned: There you are, Parker! Your landlady said you'd be here.
Betty: Remember what I said, Ned -- don't get angry!
Peter: Ned Leeds?
Betty: Peter! What happened to your arm?
Peter: I broke it avoiding a cat!
The lights dim and a spot appears center stage. Peter emerges from the darkness and takes his place in the spotlight.
Peter: Oh, if only I wasn't leading this accursed yet wholly necessary double-life! If only I didn't have to spin this spider's web of lies! If only I could tell Betty that I was the swashbuckling-yet-sensitive hero Spider-Man and that I broke my arm chasing after a sexy cat-burglar with a great rack plus she totally has the hots for me.
Peter returns to his place in the scene. The lights go up.
Ned: All right, Parker-- we're going to end this game right now. Tell my wife you'll never see her again!
Betty: You don't have to, Peter... tell him you care about me...
Peter: Hunh?
Flash: Hey, Betty! Don't look now but your hair-do is eating your head!
Harry: Yeah, Betty, what's with the bouffant? Are you auditioning for the Shirelles? (giggles)
Flash: Once again, Harry, it wasn't that amusing. And teach yourself a new way to laugh. You sound like a freaking child molester.
Ned: C'mon, Parker-- I'm getting sick waiting for your answer! Are you going to stand between Betty and me? Are you going to break up our marriage!?? (He grabs Peter's busted arm)
Betty: Ned! For goodness' sakes-- stop it!
Peter (wincing): No! He's grabbed my bad arm! The pain!
Peter swings at Ned with his good arm. Ned lurches back, out of harm's way.
Peter: That tears it, Mister-- get your hands off me-- now! You want an answer. I'll give you one! I don't wanna see either of you loonies again!
Betty: What do you mean, Peter? We... we care for each other!
Peter (in another aside to the audience): Now's my chance... if I'm a heel, Betty will go back to Ned. I can never be the kind of husband Betty needs. Besides, that new hair-do of hers makes her look like a crazy person. Like a brunette Suzanne Sommers on coke! It's like she's wearing a snood made out of hair! No, she's better off without me and with a rage-filled, possessive lout who could get brainwashed into becoming a supervillain.
Peter takes his place once more.
Peter: Care? Don't make me laugh, Betty... even though that "Bettie Page meets Moe Howard" hairstyle of yours is a real rib-tickler... no, you were just convenient... You showed up when Mary Jane jilted me. Besides, I can tell your first love is a limp-wristed hair burner who's sucking your wallet dry while he gives you the ugliest hair-dos in all creation!
Betty (sobbing): No! You can't mean that!
Peter: Don't bet on it, lady!
Betty stares at Peter in disbelief for a moment. Then she slaps his face.
Betty: How could I have been so wrong about you? How could you say what you did?
Peter: Take a good look in the mirror, honey. That is, if you can see past the three pounds of mascara you have on right now. (to himself) Oh, now I'm overdoing it.
Betty: I-- I came to you as a friend... oh, what a fool I've been...!
Betty storms out the door.
Flash: Well, there goes another girl Parker's wiped his ass with and flushed down the toilet.
Harry: A journey through the New York sewer lines can only improve that mess she calls a hair-do! Am I right? High-five! (giggles)
Flash: Don't talk to me anymore.
The curtain falls.
5 comments:
Oh, Betty.
Just because a look is "in" doesn't mean it's the right one for you. Not everyone's Toni Tennille, love.
BB: Four stars for your mastery of '70's Peter Parker dialogue! Funny funny funny!
Betty: a disappointing 2 stars for the look. The pageboy makes you look dowdy. You're much too pretty for that. What are you hiding from? I expect you to have a pair of those gigantic '70's pink-lensed glasses on. Also, your suit is the same color as Tony Stark's highlights. 'Nuff Said.
Take a look at Betty's thumb in that picture.
It's pointed down.
Try to slap someone--or even backhand them--with your thumb down. Best you can manage is a smacking tap.
Betty pulled her punch. She's still in love with Petey!
And I thought that
love would keep them together.
Sob.
Chawunky: Toni Tennille! God, thank you! I knew I'd seen that hair-do on somebody during the 70's (besides my sister) and it was driving me crazy trying to think of names.
Constantine: Thanks! Some of it's pure Wolfman, natch, but the whole scene with Betty and Ned outside the cafeteria is all mine and then I scripted about half of what was said inside the cafeteria.
Bully: I think you're right! Man, now we're analyzing Peter and Betty like some folks do with Jim and Pam from "The Office." Fun, but also... yikes.
Scipio: Rather than platonic or romantic, I think Peter and Betty share a Muskrat Love.
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