Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Um, We Can Still See Your Entire Head

More techno-woes at Jeremy's creepy little bachelor apartment. After his Pre-Cambrian Macintosh had its little meltdown, I decided to "borrow" his wallet and buy a fancy-shmancy new PC with all the trimmings! Including a 21" flat-panel widescreen monitor. Which worked great for about a week. But last night, it decided to stop taking any input from the PC and just do its own thing instead. Which was to rest. A lot. As soon as I pressed the power button, the monitor would flash the message Monitor going to sleep now for about half a second, and then it would slip blissfully away into energy-saving mode. (I've dated a few guys like that.) The good news is that the manufacturer's technical helpline was fantastic and they'll be sending me a new monitor in just a few days. The bad news? Right now I'm having to use the old 13" CRT Macintosh monitor, and the computer's in "widescreen" mode, so it's like watching a Cinemascope movie from about two miles away. I think I'm slowly going blind just typing this post. I need to use super-magnifying goggles and a tweezer to operate the mouse. But it'll be totally worth it, I promise! Now, on to business. Space Ranger! What's his problem?

What's wrong with this picture? (Besides the walking affront to human decency that is Cryll; I'll get to him in a moment.) Give up? The dialog makes it clear that "Space Ranger" is a secret identity -- of shipping heir Rick Starr, to be precise. And yet the helmet is see-through. I'm baffled! Does Rick know the helmet is completely transparent? What the heck is going on here? Some theories:

1. Someone is playing an elaborate "Emperor's New Clothes" type practical joke on Rick.
2. When Rick ordered the helmet at the space-haberdasher's, he requested one-way glass. But they put the mirrored part on the inside by mistake. Rick's effectively blind as a bat, but he does get to admire his Clooneyesque visage all day long! Sweet!
3. Rick's drunk off his ass right now, and on a lark dumped out a bowl of pretzels and put it on his head. In fact, he's so hammered that "Cryll" is merely a nightmarish hallucination. (If only, huh?)
4. It's a giant contact lens.
5. In the future, draconian health codes require all citizens to wear individual "sneeze guards."
6. Rick's honestly just kind of stupid.

The rest of the costume is pretty blah. Too dull-witted to think of an icon for your chest, Rick? Yeah, I thought so. The baggy Firestorm sleeves are a charming touch, but Rick'd be better off loosening up the fit in the crotch region where it could do him some good. Because the fabric down there is stretched tighter than Saturn Queen's facelift ("32" my ass, honey) and it's definitely a case of "move along, there's nothing to see here" if ever I've seen one. Dude's package is smooth. Like, "post-Photoshop Brandon Routh" smooth.

And then there's a hero's ultimate fashion accessory, his sidekick. Selected and costumed properly, a sidekick is a miniature version of oneself, dressed in a complimentary color. Space Ranger, on the other hand, has Cryll. Who is deeply disturbing. I don't know what that obscene protuberance on his puss is and I don't know what it does (besides talk, which is bad enough) and you know what? I don't want to know. And to top it off, he's wearing underpants. For, I presume, modesty. Jeezum Pete! What new horrors could be lurking under that electric blue spandex? Oh, he's just awful! He's like a highly sexualized scoop of strawberry ice cream. I think I once saw a scanning electron microscope photograph of him, lurking in a cow's eyelashes. I bet he makes squishing noises when he walks. And he smells like a vinyl patch kit. You know what? I hate him. I've never even met Cryll, but I loathe him with every atom of my body. And I hate Space Ranger for associating with him. At least the Martian Manhunter's imbecilic sidekick "Zook" looked cute. Providing you think a naked dwarf version of Chameleon Boy with Bat-Mite eyeballs and a Beatle's wig is cute. Cryll, though... eeugh. I don't feel so good. Kind of urpy, really. I'm going to take some Alka-Seltzer and have a little nap.

Blockade Boy going to sleep now!


Kevin said...

Okay, Space Ranger is taking off his belt and Cryll lips are pursed in a very suggestive manner. What shape is he going to assume "for laughs- or to help" Space Ranger?

Chawunky said...

Frankly, Kevin, I'm afraid we're already seeing it--Space Ranger knows what Cryll's obscene facial protuberance is, and what it does.

Chawunky said...

And speaking (as of your last entry) of Who's Who, have you seen this Rick Starr guy's entry BB? He looks like a new and unprecedented sort of dweeb. It's not even that outfit--just the look on his face and his stance in those little booties makes me want to give him a swirlie--USING that chilled salad bowl or whatever on his head....

Blockade Boy said...

Guys, are you trying to make me lose my lunch? Please, have mercy!

And Chawunky, I do remember how pathetic Who's Who, made Space Ranger look. That wheedling little smile on his soft-chinned face--! Bah! Peter Snejbjerg made him look much handsomer in "Starman" though.