Friday, August 04, 2006

Blockade Boy Needs You!

I'm sure many of you are wondering -- although none of you have asked -- how I can get away with my sweet-ass goatee and muttonchops when I'm travelling in an era that frowns on such follicular extravagance. It's really quite simple. I just make sure my civilian identity comes from whichever walk of life justifies big, bold facial hair. Here are some of the aliases I've used, along with the time period in which I've used them:

  • The Vicomte Bloque-DuBoise, a nobleman (1937-1949). Accessories: monocle, top hat, enormous medal-bedecked sash. Accent: French.
  • Bucky Attaboy, 4-F character actor specializing in cowboy sidekick roles (1941-1945, 1950-1953). Accessories: plaid shirt, boots, cowboy hat with the front of the brim bent straight upward. Accent: nearly unintelligible.
  • Doctor Blake Boyd, high-priced psychoanalyst (1948-1982). Accessories: tweed jacket with patches on the elbows, straight-stemmed bulldog pipe, thoughtful expression. Accent: Connecticut.
  • Blockade Doggie, tormented beat poet and occasional surfer (1959-1967). Accessories: sweatshirt, bongos. Accent: mumbled Southern Californian.
  • "Bulky" Boynton, motorcycle enthusiast and professional bouncer (1968-present). Accessories: leather jacket, sunglasses, WWI German army helmet, sneer. Accent: Midwestern whiskey-throated growl.
  • Bob Kane-Hoyt III, trustfund radical (1969-1973, 1988-present). Accessories: pants woven by Central American Marxists, copy of Das Kapital, platinum American Express card. Accent: never really settled on one, since I spent most of my time sighing and making disgruntled clucking noises.
  • Boris "The Steel Wall" Arkady, professional wrestler (1976-1989). Accessories: leopard-skin tights, satin cape, bullhorn. Accent: Russian.
  • Bill K. Poindexter, Nasa engineer (1977-1985). Accessories: hornrimmed glasses, short-sleeved white dress shirt, clipboard, bad posture. Accent: nasal Floridian.
  • Blox-Boi, struggling Nu-Metal keyboardist and cube-gleaming sk8er (1995-2002). Accessories: baggy pants, tuke, the stench of failure. Accent: whiny Brookline.
  • Bollocks Kapow, snooty techno DJ (1993-present). Accessories: hoodie, mirrored shades, busted glow stick. Accent: really bad faux-Swedish.

I hope that clears things up. And now for the matter at hand: It's been just over a year since I took over Jeremy's blog, and I think it's time for a makeover. (For myself; not for the blog.) For starters, I'm going back to my natural hair color. I know that sounds like no big deal to you folks, but my hair has been dyed some color or other pretty much continuously since I was six years old -- not counting that unfortunate business with the Super-Stalag of Space. And now I have to do something about my facial hair. Since it was dyed to match my hair I'll have to shave it off and regrow it. Which is fine by me, since I feel like switching to a new style. And that's where you, my charming and handsome and/or beautiful friends come in! You see, I can't make up my mind! I've narrowed it down to four styles:


A. The "Doctor Strange"

B. The "Dum Dum Dugan"

C. The "Wolverine" and...

D. The "Highfather."

I need you guys to vote for which style you'd like to see me adopt. Use the handy mini-poll box located over the links section. (You can vote as many times as you want; it's cool by me.) Whichever look gets the most votes by 10 PM Central Standard Time on Monday, that's how I'll wear it for the forseeable future. Through the magic of time travel, I'll be able to show you my new look, along with a brand new costume, on Tuesday's post!

Full schedule for next week:

  • Monday: Rescue Me: Bird-Man
  • Tuesday: My new costume and facial hair!
  • Wednesday: Rescue Me: Steeplejack
  • Thursday: Time-Travel Challenge: Grunge to Rockabilly
  • Friday: I present two costume redesigns to the Mighty Thor.

Have a great weekend!


Anonymous said...

I totally called the High Father!

Go for the Doc Strange. The dugan make you look like your about to attack somebody with an umbrella while yelling how the young are stupid. The Wolvie makes you look like a lumberjack, and lord knows we don't need anymore of those.

Anonymous said...

To a certain extent, which new style is best depends on the nature of your new outfit! That said, I agree that the Dr. Strange is the one to go with out of the field presented. Otherwise you risk comparisons with harrumphing Victorian toffs, gleefully brutal hillbillies, or C. Everett Coop.

So "A". Definitely.

Anonymous said...

How can all of you vote for the Highfather when it completely obscures BB's Captian-America-esque square jaw!? It's the Wolverine for me!

Scipio said...

"Bollocks Kapow, snooty techno DJ (1993-present). Accessories: hoodie, mirrored shades, busted glow stick. Accent: really bad faux-Swedish."

Uh-oh. I dated you one weekend in '95...

Anonymous said...

I have to go with "The Wolverine," as there is NOTHING more glorious than muttonchops.

(One of my greatest shames as a man is that my sideburns don't connect to my hairline, which tragically means that I will never, ever, EVER enjoy the glories of sideburns; ergo, I have to live vicariously through the facial hair of others.)

Do me proud, Blockade Boy! I'm depending on you!

Anonymous said...

Definitely A.

BTW, I have a Gender Reversal challenge for ya -- Woman-Thing!

Devon Sanders said...

The Highfather!

Jeremy Rizza said...

It turns out the "Highfather" took the prize, and quite handily. Enjoy, Devon!

Scipio: That was you? Sorry about what I did to your couch. And if it's any consolation, I'll never be able to hear "The Maple Leaf Rag" again without crying.

Anonymous: "Woman-Thing?" *alarmed yelp* Sorry, but I'm too squicked out just imagining what the mouth would look like.