Saturday, August 19, 2006

I, Robed

*sigh* Late again, but I have a good excuse. I'm recharging the batteries on my time bubble, which takes forever. So, for want of anything better to do, I drove down to Arkansas with Jeremy, his brother Steve, his sister-in-law Sarah, and his 3-year-old niece Olivia to visit Jeremy's folks. They have internet access, but one mustn't be rude... so I couldn't do any blogging until almost midnight, when everyone had fallen asleep... at which point I needed a little shut-eye myself. Fun fact: on the car ride down there, we learned that Midnight Oil's "Beds Are Burning" is Olivia's new favorite song. So, spurred on by Steve and Sarah, Jeremy busted out a spot-on impression of the lead singer (multi-talented, that boy). Olivia's reaction: eyes squinched shut, lips pursed like she'd just eaten a lemon, and her hands over her ears. Everybody's a critic! Okay, that's enough chit-chat. Let's blog!

quiltedkingpin

Remember that bathrobe of Doctor Strange's that I thought was just the bee's knees, as the kids in the ghetto say nowadays? Well, my feelings for this one are quite the reverse. Those unlucky dopes (like Jeremy) who bought "Web Of Spider-Man" #6 (September, 1985) got the above image as the splash-page: hot telephony action starring the squeezably corrupt Kingpin, who has inexplicably decided to highlight his major figure flaw by wearing something even more padded than himself. While I simply adore the color combo, something about this robe just gives me the creeps. Because it's being worn by the Kingpin. I have the feeling all that magenta silk is covering a rigid, intricate framework of suspenders and corsets. And it's probably bulletproof. And reeks of cigar smoke and bratwurst. And the color-coordinated sandals are a bit much, huh? Hell, why not some fluffy bunnyslippers? He's the Kingpin, for fuck's sake; who would dare to make fun of him? To his face, I mean. I think the Kingpin should wear the bunnyslippers and an old-timey floorlength nightgown with a floppy, pointed cap. Like Ebenezer Scrooge. All the time. Because he's a dick, and it would therefore be hilarious.

I guess all the excitement on this splash page comes from wondering what this important telephone call could be (and whether or not the Kingpin is cinching that belt or -- *gag* -- disrobing). Here were some of my guesses:
  1. Custom pizza order made directly to the C.E.O. of Little Caesar's.
  2. Prank call to Silvermane.
  3. Request to local radio station that they play Starship's "We Built This City" -- or else.
  4. Colecovision technical support.
  5. Conference-call phone sex with the Enforcers.

Your turn!

4 comments:

Michael said...

Isn't that robe almost the same color scheme as your costume? Just wondering, that's all.

Tim O'Neil said...

Actually the call is from an underling to tell him that the Beyonder just turned an entire building in downtown Manhattan into solid gold. Which is really just about as silly as your other suggestions.

Bully said...

He's phoning Orkin to get rid of the infestation of indicia under his floorboards.

Blockade Boy said...

Michael: Just what are you implying, my good man?

Tim: "Silly" is relative when it comes to the Beyonder.

Bully: Booyah! Now, that's what I'm talking about! Awesome! Thank you very much!