Thursday, December 21, 2006

Next of Ken

blockadesantahead In "Secret Origins" #8 (November, 1986) Doll Man grapples with a serious shrinkage problem. For starters, what's he going to wear?

dollmanupset

Wow, male back-al nudity in a DC comic! And he's not even Doctor Manhattan! I'm just not sure how the sight of a miniature adult male in a diaper is less upsetting than the sight of a miniature adult male in the nude. Let's just hope his fiance doesn't get wind of this! Oops. Too late.

dollmansmakk

As we all know, a chaste kiss sounds like "SMAK" while a deep, throat-vacuuming French-style kiss sounds like "SMAKK." It's the vibration of the tonsils as they're probed by an alien tongue that produces the additional "K" sound. Say, maybe at the wedding Doll Man can just be tucked into the best man's pocket. Or pants, just to give the kiss at the end of the ceremony some spice. "You may now kiss the bride..." *jazzy electric guitar and drum machine music begins to play as the church is lit up by red strobe lights*

In panel two, the prospective father-in-law hastily excuses himself. Because he's more comfortable watching this sort of thing through the slats of a Venetian blind.

Okay, so the idea of marrying a curio-sized man might seem exciting... to some people... at first. But that kind of relationship can't last. I mean, sure, it's kind of thrilling when you learn that the hot robo-gladiator pilot you had your eyes on is from Imsk, and the two of you invent all kinds of fun new activities in the bedroom, but soon enough you walk out of the shower and find him on top of your dresser, humping your cybernetic toe prosthesis, and you get so angry that you grab him with one hand and you squeeze him and you squeeze him and then you're holding a dead Imskian in your hand and you don't know what to do with the body because trash pickup isn't until Monday. We've all been there, right?

...No? Oh. Er, anyway, let's see how Martha copes, shall we?

dollmanoutfit

Check out panel three. This is the origin of Doll Man's costume. Nobody had any idea of him being a superhero. Nope, Martha sewed that for him to wear as his everyday outfit. I think that's her way of telling him she wants to break things off. "And just imagine, dearest, once we're married you can wear hotpants, a muscle shirt, pixie boots, and a cape, every single day! Won't that be marvelous? Unless... you would want to 'take a break' from the engagement and reconsider your options... I'd totally understand, I mean, this whole doll-sized thing, that's got to be pretty stressful and you'd want to spend some time away from it all, thinking about where you're going with your life... and maybe you could even date some other women just to make sure that I'm really 'the one'... and, and, y'know what? Maybe I should date some other men, too! I mean, as long as you get to have some fun, why shouldn't I? Why is it that you get to do whatever the hell you want while I have to stay here at home like a nun with nobody but my fat four-eyes of a father to keep me company, huh? I mean, what the fuck?! You think I'm going to just stand around and do nothing while you stick your toothpick-sized pecker in every clap-ridden whore in the tri-county area? Is that what you think?! God, you can be so selfish sometimes! I HATE YOU!" *flees the room, weeping*

Or maybe she's just not very good at sewing pants or sleeves.

4 comments:

Justin Garrett Blum said...

Geeze, why did she even bother? Couldn't she have just swiped the clothes off of a G.I. Joe or something? Clearly she's sending a message with that sideshow performer's outfit.

SallyP said...

Yes, sad to say, but even Ken dresses better than this.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

I guess when you call yourself Doll Man and you wear pixies boots, that means something.

Couldn't he call himself Action Figure Man?

Scipio said...

That final kissing panels is one of the most disturbing things I've even seen in a comic book.

And I have the entire run of Justice League Detroit.