Thursday, December 28, 2006

Spider-Woman's Super-Disguise Kit!

bbwhitestachehead With Michael Fleisher as writer, Marvel's "Spider-Woman" series took on a very DC-esque tone. Namely, it turned into a cross between the "Supergirl" and "Jimmy Olsen."

sw21flower

Incog-NEATO! So that bent, bedraggled old lady was really the shapely Spider-Woman! Let this be a lesson unto you, young (straight) men: any old woman you meet could turn out to be a foxy super-babe! So take time to check them out. Really, give them a thorough going-over. Don't be afraid to peek under their hems for telltale signs of spandex. Pinch their bottoms to see if they're padded out. For reals. It could be totally worth it. But how on earth did Spider-Woman come across this fantastic disguise?

sw21shop

Oh. Okay, so I feel a bit cheated, but I'm sure Fleisher will make good on his promise to tell that wonderful story. Hmm? What's that, Jeremy? He never did? Huh. Well. Now, of course, I'm going to have to kick his ass. *makes beeline for time bubble*

sw23hooker

*emerges from time bubble with a blackened eye, a dislocated jaw, and a pronounced limp* That could have gone better. Er, where were we? Oh yes. Here's Spider-Woman disguised as a cheap trollop. Or maybe Marcia Wallace. I'm not quite sure. Oh, and by the way, I think I saw that exact same ensemble on Tommy Tomorrow. I liked it better on him.

sw23momo

Fishnets and a blonde wig? It doesn't get more DC than this, folks! Except for the next page, where Spider-Woman goes on a date with a smarmy creep while wearing her Spider-Woman costume.

Also: "Momo?" The hell-?!

sw24zoot

Sometimes Spider-Woman would disguise herself as a man! In a zoot suit! As part of a zoot suit-wearing gang. You see what I mean about how "DC" this all is? It's like they escaped from an old "Green Arrow" or "Black Orchid" story.) "I'm dreadfully sorry I had to let them get so close to you and your wife, Mr. Ambassador...!" Thank God she wasn't following a masher, huh? ("I'm so sorry I had to let him fondle your wife...")

sw25lindsay

Once, Spider-Woman disguised herself as supporting cast member Lindsay McCabe, masquerading as Spider-Woman. My brain is bleeding just thinking about it. Luckily, nobody noticed Spider-Woman's man-hands.

sw26vanna

Such ravishing muttonchops! Er, but I digress. That vacant pile of boobery in the background is none other than Spider-Woman! I call this look "Vanna Frost": part ditsy "briefcase babe" and part icy ballcutter. With barrettes!

sw27curator

Ack! Another man-guise! You can't tell me your stomach didn't jump back up your throat a bit when you saw that panel of her lifting that screaming man-head off her comely visage. Okay, so you could tell me that, but I wouldn't listen to you. In fact, I have my hands over my ears and I'm humming a jaunty little tune this very instant. La la la la la...

And in my last example, the tables get turned on Spider-Woman when somebody disguises themselves as her.

sw27sororal

Apparently the carpet didn't match the curtains! Because the whole roll of it got returned to the warehouse. Why are you snickering? What did you think I meant? Why, that's filthy! For shame. Let me start over.

Woo-woo! It's Spider-Woman's very own Etta Candy, complete with a "Spider-Woman" sorority. Which we never got to see, goddamn it. You'd think the follow-up writer, Chris Claremont, would be all over that shit. Except he'd make them mind-controlled ninja assassins or somethin'.

6 comments:

Kon-El said...

"Let this be a lesson unto you, young (straight) men: any old woman you meet could turn out to be a foxy super-babe! So take time to check them out. Really, give them a thorough going-over. Don't be afraid to peek under their hems for telltale signs of spandex. Pinch their bottoms to see if they're padded out. For reals"

Ok But I don't have to do that stuff I got X- ray vision AAAAAAAAHHHH!!! My Eyes!!!!!!

Chawunky said...

Wow, after the Spider-Woman fan club, I started expecting to see gorillas or tiny 5th-dimensional Spider Woman analogues next.

Randy Jackson said...

I have a sudden desire to pick up Essential Spider-Woman now.

Damn you Blockade Boy! (shakes fist menacingly at nothing at all)

The Fortress Keeper said...

Michael Fleisher's Spider-Woman wasn't exactly the high point of Jessica Drew's existence.

I much prefered Gruenwald's alienated weirdo over Fleisher's cross-dressing shrinking violet.

(And no, that's not a dis against Shrinking Violet.)

Darth Nepharia said...

Actually, I think my significant other would really like the blonde wig and fish net stockings....come to think of it, it's probably something I would wear. It's just kinky enough.....

Scipio said...

"Incog-NEATO!"

That totally made my year.