So Im sitting here in my cell downing the last of my speshal eggnogg which I make myself out of rubbing alcahol and half-and-half and Im thinking "This is the worst Christmas yet I mean ever since Gladys up and left me for that crumb-bum lawyer of mine Larry Larkspur I been really down in the dumps and of course she dont send me no mackaroons no more which is insult on top of in jury." And then like a Christmas meericle who shood mateerialize in my cell but Blockade Boy hisself although I have to say he dont look too good on account of his hairs all white like he seen a ghost I guess it must a been quite a scare. But he says his readers been clammering for more of my stories and he gives me a pen and paper and so here goes.
This story is from the time I was on the lam after that time I was working as a teachers assistent for the Taskmaster and we were oporating out of a CIRCUS TENT if you can beleeve that shit and anyways the whole thing fell apart but I managed to aktuwally EXCAPE for once and Im just trying to lay low and mind my own bizness and keep my nose clean but I gotta keep moving of course and so finally I wind up in CALIFORNIA. And anyhows Im working in this burger joint and these two guys who are reguler custamers "Slim" and "Whiskers" they called themselves on account Slim is really skinny and Whiskers has whiskers we kind of strike up a friendship we seem to have a lot of the same interists like watching TV and drinking beer and ogling at ladies with big tits so its like we been best pals FOREVER oh and also they gave ME a nickname "Jeff" on account I kinda look like that actor guy Jeff Daniels appearantly. And its after my shift and they ask me if I want to have a little fun so of course I say "Yes" and I hop in theyre car and I guess they want to go to the dogtrack or something and I say I aint got no dough on account I work in a burger joint. And they look at eachother with this kind of knowing look and I probbly shood have gotten out of the car right then and there. But I dont and they stop at this gas station and we walk inside and Whiskers says "We can take care of your money troubels here" and I say "What are you high this aint no bank" and Whiskers says "The hell it aint!" and then he pulls out a gun. And I wish I cood say I was shocked but to be honest I been a crimminul for so long I just kinda shifted into ottopilot and I helped them rob the place. And as were making a break for it we pass this huge green lady in a ripped dress and I guess I shood of been more alarmed but hey it was CALIFORNIA.
And then Slim and Whiskers deside to totally FUCK ME UP THE ASS by taking off in the getaway car WITHOUT ME. So of course I have to take the next availabul veehicul which had the gas nozzul still stuck in it even but frankly I was in no mood to worry about particyoolers.
And Im thinking if I ever see those two slimeballs again Im going to clean theyre clocks BUT GOOD and so with revenge on my brain I of course am taken COMPLETELY BY SOOPRISE when the huge green lady leaps OVER THE CAR STOPS ME AND RIPS THE DOOR OPEN. And then I rembember where I seen her before which was on the news and they called her the Rampaging Hulk Girl I think and anyway I love me some hot curvasyhush ladies dont get me wrong but somehow when theyre seven foot tall and green and pissed off it stops being sexy and moves into the relm of TERRIFYING. And Im thinking shes just gonna pull my sorry ass outta the car and haul me off to the cops but NO.
She shoves me over into the passenjer seat and hops behind the wheel HERSELF and she takes off after Whiskers and Slim just like I was gonna do and I mean she FLOORS it. And I know it werent too manly of me but Im screaming my head off like a goddamn SISSYMARY but she dont pay no mind to me at ALL.
So were running stoplights and knocking over falaful venders and those guys with the maps of the stars homes and a anti-nucular power protestor or two and theres drag queens getting throwed to theyre asses left and right and I can hear SIRENS but Hulk Girl dont give two shits she just keeps driving. And its no sooprise to me that she catches up to Slim and Whiskers and then guess what. NO GUESS.
SHE LEAPS OUTTA THE GODDAMN CAR! And she was driving! And I get like a A-1 perfect view of her ass and she aint wearing no panties niether but hey Im a profeshunnal I still manage to grab the wheel and I slow down and get behind Slims and Whiskers car because I know some REAL BAD SHIT is about to go down.
So Hulk Girl climbs on top of the other car and shes stradduling it like shes gonna RAPE the damn thing and then she rips out the hole engine block! And Im thinking its a good thing I aint near the car no more cause that cood do me some real damage thats for goddamn sure and so of course...
...she throws it BEHIND her and now a engine block is bounsing down the assphalt right TWOARD ME and I know you aint gonna buy this for a minute but I swear as God is my witness the sound it made was "SKANK."
No kidding engine block. No kidding.