Thursday, January 25, 2007

Double D for "Danger!"

bbwhitestacheheadSince Marvel's "Agents of Atlas' miniseries just wrapped up, I thought it was a good time to interview a personality who knew many of the protagonists intimately: the breasts of Suyan, granddaughter of the man known by certain white racists as "The Yellow Claw." Suyan's breasts were limited mainly to non-speaking parts, but Roy Thomas gave them their own thought balloon in "What If?" #9 (June 1978). Suyan's breasts retired from the world of shadowy intrigue in 1985, whereupon they immediately moved south. They now reside in The Shadow's Nose Memorial Home for Detective Story Body Parts in Boca Raton, Florida. I spoke with Suyan's breasts over tea on her graciously appointed lanai.

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Blockade Boy: Thank you again for agreeing to this interview, Suyan's breasts. And might I say, you both look gorgeous. You've obviously been taking good care of yourselves.

Suyan's breasts: Oh! Well, thank you, young man! And we're sure that you're only saying that to be polite. As a gay man, you probably never looked at a pair of breasts in your life.

BB: It helps if they're not attached to anything. Now, I'm sure my readers are eager to know... how did you get along with your "co-star" Suyan?

SB: Suyan was a great gal. We've know so many breasts in my life whose companions smothered them under layers of polyester or cashmere. Suyan almost always wore silk, which was very comfortable for us, and she often wore dresses with a "keyhole" cut-out that allowed us to see what was going on.

BB: What led the three of you to part ways?

SB: It was just time, y'know? We'd kept her company since she was twelve years old. And once she hit her fifties, it just became impractical for her to be lugging us around all the time. We think she felt that we were getting in her way. She was always fiddling with us, moving us around like we were bothering her. If you ask us, the problem was that she was starting to put on some weight. Those silk dresses began to get awfully constricting. we could tell it was time for us to part when she put on her first muumuu. Don't get us wrong -- it was nice to be able to breathe again, but we'd always sworn we wouldn't be caught dead in one of those things. Plus? We couldn't see a damn thing! We sat her down for a heart-to-heart talk and we agreed that it would be best if we went our own ways.

BB: What's your life like now?

SB: It's not as exciting as when we were dodging ray gun fire or bobbing atop exotic seas, but we try to stay active. We volunteer at the local suicide hotline, we sign autographs at comic book conventions, and... what else? Oh! Every Thursday we play Mahjong with Nancy Drew's hair, Sue Dibny's brain, and Pussy Galore's clitoris. Oh, hey! Here's a fun fact: according to Pussy Galore's clitoris, James Bond was actually a total gentleman. He never once laid a hand on it.

BB: Speaking of romance, would you care to comment on any of your old boyfriends?

SB: Goodness, you don't hold back, do you? I suppose enough time has passed it couldn't do any harm. The great loves of our lives were Jimmy Woo's hands. They were so sensitive and warm. If we were sad, those hands could make us sit up and say "Wow! It's a great day!"

BB: It's been rumored you had a fling with Marvel Boy's left hand. Is that true?

SB: Not exactly. I was just his thumb and his index finger.

BB: Any others you'd like to mention?

SB: Gosh... I suppose Gorilla-Man's muttonchops... and his tongue. President Eisenhower's forehead. Oh, and we had a platonic thing going on with the Great Video's eyeballs. Boy, I haven't thought about those times in forever! Golly. I-- I don't think I can continue right now. I'm feeling very emotional.

BB: So I see! In that case, I'll let you off the hook, Suyan's breasts. I've had a great time talking with you. On behalf of my readers, thank you very much.

SB: Thank you.

3 comments:

Steven said...

I'm surprised Suyan's breasts aren't more jealous of The Breasts of Venus, which not only stole the show for the first 3 issues of Agents of Atlas, but are also name checked in the "You're the Top" parody.

Devon said...

"Every Thursday we play Mahjong with Nancy Drew's hair, Sue Dibny's brain, and Pussy Galore's clitoris. Oh, hey! Here's a fun fact: according to Pussy Galore's clitoris, James Bond was actually a total gentleman. He never once laid a hand on it."


Just...

wow.

Darth Nepharia said...

You know, I really wondered what happened to breasts that were past their prime....