Wednesday, February 07, 2007

The Breakup

bbwhitestachehead Last night I met with Jeremy at the nicest restaurant in Wichita (the Pizza Hut Italian Bistro on south Ridge Road) and we had a good long talk. Jeremy's not mad at me anymore, and we both agreed that I'd overstayed my welcome. With me underfoot all the time, it was hard for Jeremy to get anything done. For instance, he'd just been able to afford to buy Quark Express 7 for his computer, and with me monopolizing it all the time he would never have time to teach himself how to use it (and eventually parlay that into some extra income). Plus there are a lot of other things he needs to do to get out of this rut he's in, and I was "cramping his style" (such as it is). And the feeling was mutual, believe you me. Jeremy's not exactly a party animal. So we both decided it was time I was on my way. At the end of our talk, I grabbed his hand from across the table, looked directly into his eyes, and whispered, "Become who you are."

Yeah, I don't know what that was supposed to mean either.

But enough about Jeremy. What about my needs? I'm going to go look for my future boyfriend, ValXan, and that goofball worldship of his. And I think I'll grow out my muttonchops again, and ditch the 'stache. And dye my hair red. I just can't decide what style I want to wear it in. If you have any suggestions for a hairstyle that looks good with muttonchops, I'm all ears. Like Antennae Lad! The dumb jug-eared bastard...

Oh, and as a gesture of goodwill, Jeremy loaned me the oldest comic book he owns: "Star Spangled Comics" #36 (September, 1944). Yeah... he's never getting that back. Say, let's take a look!


Nobody could rock lemon-yellow jodphurs like Liberty Belle. She was tall enough that it didn't make her ass look big. And her hair was always gorgeous. It's just a shame about her face, huh? She was often mistaken for a thoroughbred Creamello filly, which explains the time I saw a policeman mounting her in Central Park.

You'll notice she doesn't wear a mask. Which makes zero sense, considering she doesn't wear a wig or glasses or nothing in her civilian identity. I think we can thank Roy Thomas for the mask idea. (Finally, something I can thank Thomas for.)

Golly, but her face sure looks familiar. Where have I seen it before? That harsh, bony face, that mane of blonde hair...


Holy shit! It's Super Ann Coulter!

Gah! Let's move on. And quickly!


The Star Spangled Kid's "manservant"* (WINK!) Stripesy also never bothered to wear a mask. I guess his secret identity depended upon there being a surplus of Frankenstein-skulled, slab-like, redheaded goons with bad haircuts in his hometown. (I'm guessing he lived somewhere in Minnesota. Saint Paul, maybe.)

*Yeah, yeah, comic nerds. Technically he was the Kid's chauffeur. So he really knew how to handle a stick... shift. Ye Gads, I am in a positively filthy mood today.)

Case in point:


Here, private detective and closet pervert Penniless Palmer uses a stakeout at a taxidermist's to indulge in some Furry fun. I love how his assistant is all like, "Why do I have to be the walrus? (Again?)"

And now for a snack. *reaches into glove compartment of time bubble*


Aw, yeah! Nothin' like a candy bar from World War 2, I tells ya. They're good and good for you. Just check out the label! In fact, that's the problem with you kids today -- or I guess I should say "back then" since I'm currently speeding through the 2480's -- anyway, that's the problem with you twenty-first century folks.

Not enough dextrose.

Tomorrow: more Star Spangled goodness, and I'll let you know how it goes with ValXan!


Sleestak said...

Belle ripped off a robot's arm and beat it to spare parts with its own appendage?

I'm in love.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Rich in dextrose? Yum yum!

Oh yeah Sleestak's right, beating that robot with its own arm is way cool.

Scipio said...

I swear you are the only person, other than my dog, who can make me laugh out loud on a daily basis.

Bill S. said...

Actually, I thought she was Super Katherine Hepburn. Or at least Super Cate Blanchett.

"Become who you are"? I love that!

Anonymous said...

"Super Ann Coulter" just freaks me out! Dammit, now I'll never be able to look at dear Liberty Belle the same way again!

Jeremy Rizza said...

Sleestak and Jon (isn't that a folk-rock duo?): Geoff Johns' depiction of her daughter in the current JSA makes a lot more sense now, doesn't it? Liberty Belle: violent hottie!

Scipio: High praise coming from you, pal!

Bill S.: I can see the Cate Blanchett thing. Totally. And the "Become who you are quote" I lifted from "Stella" so I can't really take credit for that. But I loved the line so much, I just had to use it!

mark_question: The Ann Coulter thing is even more apparent in the story, where she's a propagandizing reporter (although she's railing against Naziism so I can't get mad at her).